Human Relationship Skills: Coaching and Self-Coaching (4th Edition)

280 Pages·2006·1.03 MB·English

by  R Nelson-Jones

Human Relationship Skills
Human Relationship Skills: Coaching and Self-Coaching presents a practical ‘how
to’ guide to relationship skills, showing how readers can improve and, where
necessary, repair relationships. This thoroughly revised and updated 4th edition
reflects the increased interest in coaching, showing how it can be applied to
everyday life.
In this essential book, Richard Nelson-Jones takes a cognitive-behavioural
approach to coaching people in relationship skills. These skills are viewed as
sequences of choices that people can make well or poorly. Covering a range of
skill areas the book assists readers to make affirming rather than destructive
choices in their relationships. It begins by addressing the questions of ‘What are
relationship skills?’ and ‘What are coaching skills?’, and follows with a series of
chapters which thoroughly detail and illuminate various relationship skills
including:
• Listening and showing understanding.
• Managing shyness.
• Intimacy and companionship.
• Assertiveness and managing anger.
• Managing relationship problems and ending relationships.
The book concludes with a chapter on how users can maintain and improve
their skills by coaching themselves.
Accessibly written and using activities, the book is appropriate for those
involved in ‘life coaching’ as well as general counselling and therapy. It will be
essential reading for lecturers, coaches and trainers as well as students and any-
one who wishes to improve their relationship skills.
Richard Nelson-Jones is a leading international author whose books have
helped train many thousands of psychotherapists, counsellors and helpers
worldwide. He has held university appointments in Britain and Australia, and is
a Fellow of the British and Australian Psychological Societies and of the British
Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
‘Many people do not possess the needed skills for positive interpersonal
relationships. This pragmatic handbook will allow you to help yourself and
others to gain mental health and happiness. I highly recommend this book and
hope that it is widely read.’
Jon Carlson, Distinguished Professor, Governors State University, Illinois
‘This excellent book comprehensively covers key human relationship skills.
During my workshops and lectures often I would recommend the earlier version
of this book as an aid to practitioners and their clients. This new revised
4th edition is even better, especially with its coaching and self-coaching
approach.’
Stephen Palmer, Director of the Centre for Coaching
‘Richard Nelson-Jones’s 4th edition will be my recommended text in my roles
as (tertiary education) lecturer, counsellor, and supervisor of mental health
professionals. His comprehensive skills training enables mastery and self-
reliance in this essential field.’
Meredith Fuller, Counselling Psychologist, Lecturer, and
Supervisor of Mental Health Professionals
‘Richard Nelson-Jones has produced another of his excellent skills manuals –
this time inviting us to self-examine and self-improve on all the dimensions
of relationships. Richard’s writing is enriched with significant breadth of
knowledge of the wisdom of the field, but he offers his own special brand
of invitation to think of skills, and to reflect and work on ways to improve
those skills. With extraordinary attention to detail he uncovers many aspects of
relationships – shyness, assertiveness, sexuality among others. The exercises for
self-examination are demanding, intriguing, and enlightening. Very worthwhile
for counsellors, life coaches, and indeed for anyone who would like to reflect on
and improve their relationship skills.’
Ron Perry, Director, Institute of Counselling, Sydney
Human Relationship Skills
COACHING AND SELF-COACHING
4th edition
Richard Nelson-Jones
First published 1986 as Human Relationship Skills: Training and Self-help
by Cassell, London and by Holt Rinehart and Winston, Sydney
Second edition published 1990 as Human Relationship Skills: Training and
Self-help by Cassell, London and 1991 as Human Relationship Skills by Holt
Rinehart and Winston, Sydney
Third edition published 1996 as Relating Skills: A Practicle Guide to
Effective Personal Relationships by Continuum, London and as Human
Relating Skills by Harcourt Brace, Sydney
Fourth edition published 2006
by Routledge
27 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA
Simultaneously published in the USA and Canada
by Routledge
270 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10016
This edition published in the Taylor & Francis e-Library, 2006.
“To purchase your own copy of this or any of Taylor & Francis or Routledge’s
collection of thousands of eBooks please go to www.eBookstore.tandf.co.uk.”
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
Copyright © 2006 Richard Nelson-Jones
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or
reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical
or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including
photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or
retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers.
This publication has been produced with paper manufactured to strict
environmental standards and with pulp derived from sustainable forests.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Nelson-Jones, Richard.
Human relationship skills : coaching and self-coaching / Richard
Nelson-Jones. – 4th ed.
p. cm.
Previously published: Relating skills: a practical guide to effective personal
relationships. London : Continuum, 1996.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-415-38586-5 – ISBN 0-415-38587-3 1.Interpersonal relations.
2.Social skills. 3.Personal coaching. I.Title.
HM1106.N45 2006
158.2–dc22 2005027114
ISBN13: 9-78-0-415-38586-2 ISBN10: 0-415-38586-5 (hbk)
ISBN13: 9-78-0-415-38587-9 ISBN10: 0-415-38587-3 (pbk)
Contents
List of activities vi
Preface viii
1. What are human relationship skills? 1
2. What are coaching skills? 17
3. Listening skills 36
4. Show understanding skills 55
5. Manage shyness skills 75
6. Choose a relationship skills 100
7. Intimacy skills 120
8. Companionship skills 140
9. Sexual relationship skills 159
10. Assertiveness skills 183
11. Manage anger skills 204
12. Manage relationship problems skills 221
13. End a relationship skills 241
14. Coach yourself 251
References 259
Name index 265
Subject index 267
Activities
Activity1.1 Translate everyday into skills language 10
Activity1.2 Send communication/action skills messages 12
Activity1.3 Assess my mind skills 13
Activity1.4 Group discussion: a relationship skills approach 16
Activity2.1 Use demonstration skills 28
Activity2.2 Use rehearsing skills 31
Activity2.3 Use negotiating homework skills 35
Activity3.1 Assess my barriers to an accepting attitude when
I listen 43
Activity3.2 Tune into another’s internal viewpoint 45
Activity3.3 How rewarding are my vocal messages when I listen? 48
Activity3.4 How rewarding are my body messages when I listen? 51
Activity3.5 Group discussion: listening skills 54
Activity4.1 Develop my paraphrasing skills 57
Activity4.2 Develop my reflecting feelings skills 61
Activity4.3 Develop my questioning skills 66
Activity4.4 Develop my challenging skills 69
Activity4.5 Develop my mind skills 72
Activity5.1 Assess how shy I am 77
Activity5.2 Develop my conversation skills 82
Activity5.3 Develop my making a date skills 84
Activity5.4 Develop my mind skills to manage shyness 96
Activity5.5 Group discussion: managing shyness skills 98
Activity6.1 Assess and implement my search and find skills 103
Activity6.2 Assess my mind skills weaknesses in choosing
a partner 111
Activity6.3 What am I looking for in a partner? 117
Activity6.4 Group discussion: choosing a partner skills 119
Activity7.1 Develop my expressing feelings skills 126
Activity7.2 Develop my disclosing and receiving personal
information skills 129
Activity7.3 Develop our ‘you–me’ talk skills 131
Activity7.4 Develop my mind skills for expressing intimacy 137
Activity7.5 Group discussion: intimacy skills 138
vii LIST OF ACTIVITIES
Activity8.1 Identify and choose companionship and personal
activities 146
Activity8.2 Develop my communication skills for companionship 151
Activity8.3 Develop my mind skills for companionship 157
Activity8.4 Group discussion: companionship skills 158
Activity9.1 Degree of comfort with sexual activities 167
Activity9.2 Develop my communication skills for relating
sexually 172
Activity9.3 Develop my mind skills for relating sexually 180
Activity9.4 Group discussion: sexual relationship skills 182
Activity10.1 Assess my assertiveness skills 185
Activity10.2 Develop my communication skills for being assertive 196
Activity10.3 Develop my mind skills for being assertive 202
Activity10.4 Group discussion: assertiveness skills 202
Activity11.1 Assess my angry feelings 206
Activity11.2 Develop my communication skills for managing
anger 211
Activity11.3 Develop my mind skills for managing anger 219
Activity11.4 Group discussion: managing anger skills 220
Activity12.1 Become more accepting 225
Activity12.2 Exchange rewarding behaviours 229
Activity12.3 Use the CUDSA model for solving a relationship
problem 237
Activity12.4 Stay in touch 239
Activity12.5 Group discussion: manage relationship problem
skills 239
Activity13.1 Communication skills for ending a relationship 245
Activity13.2 Mind skills for ending a relationship 248
Activity13.3 Group activity: ending a relationship and starting
again skills 250
Activity14.1 Monitor my relationship skills 252
Activity14.2 Coach myself in a relationship skill 258
Preface
Welcome to the fourth edition of Human Relationship Skills: Coaching and Self-
Coaching. The following are answers to some questions you may have about the
book.
WHAT IS THIS BOOK’S PURPOSE?
This is a practical ‘how to’ book on coaching relationship skills. Written for
lecturers, trainers and coaches and those being lectured, trained and coached,
the book aims to show you how to improve and, where necessary, to repair
relationships. I aim to help you to gain greater relationship satisfaction and
prevent unnecessary distress and pain. Relationship skills are viewed as
sequences of choices in various skills areas that you can make well or poorly.
You can either support or oppress yourself and one another by the choices you
make. This book coaches you in how to make affirming rather than destructive
choices in your relationships.
FOR WHOM IS THIS BOOK INTENDED?
This book is intended for the following audiences.
• Lecturers, trainers and coaches running relationship training and coaching
courses in colleges and universities, schools, adult education centres and in
non-educational settings. Such courses may be run in psychology depart-
ments – as an applied change from academic teaching – and in personnel
work, social work, education, nursing, personnel work, pastoral care and as
part of college general education programmes.
• Students training for the helping services: for instance, as psychologists,
counsellors, social workers, nurses, personnel officers, teachers and pastoral
care workers.
• Students in colleges, universities and adult education centres taking human
relations and human communication courses.
ix PREFACE
• Staff and individual clients and groups of clients in college counselling
centres. Many counselling centres run courses on aspects of human rela-
tionship skills.
• Trainers and participants on marriage preparation and relationship coaching
courses run by voluntary and church-related agencies.
• Students in the final years of secondary school.
• Helping service professionals and voluntary agency counsellors for refer-
ence and for recommending to clients.
• Singles and couples interested in improving their relationship skills by
means of self-help.
Though strongly supporting family values, I do not intend this book for those
wishing to learn more about family and parenting skills. Nevertheless, I hope the
book indirectly results in happier families and children.
WHAT ARE THIS BOOK’S CONTENTS?
The first chapter introduces the idea of people possessing a repertoire of rela-
tionship skills, each of which is composed of communication skills and mind
skills. The second chapter is the only one in the book written mainly for those
coaching and describes some central skills of being an effective coach. There
then follow 11 chapters to support the coaching of various important relation-
ship skills: listening, show understanding, manage shyness, choose a relation-
ship, intimacy, companionship, sexual relationship, assertiveness, manage anger,
manage relationship problems, and end a relationship skills. The final chapter
addresses the issue of coaching yourself and getting assistance in so doing. I have
put skills-building activities throughout the book.
WHAT FEATURES DOES THIS BOOK POSSESS?
• Lifeskills emphasis. Human relationship skills are important lifeskills that
you can be coached in and learn well or poorly. Fortunately, you can keep
improving your skills. Throughout the book, I use the term relationship
skills rather than lifeskills.
• Comprehensiveness. I offer a comprehensive coverage of the skills you
require for effective personal relationships. I break the sexual silence of
most texts on relationship skills by devoting a chapter to this important
topic.
• Emphasis on mental cultivation. The book emphasizes personal responsibility,
courage and mental discipline. Nowhere do I encourage you to think that
relating well is always easy.
• Anglo-Australian emphasis. Unlike most relationship coaching and educa-
tion texts which are American, this book draws on British and Australian
demographic data, books, articles and research findings.
• Practical activities. The book includes numerous practical activities to