How to Stay Awake During: During Anybody's Second Movement

204 Pages·1996·1.86 MB·English

by  David E. Walden

How to Stay Awake During Anybody's
title: Second Movement : Being a Guide for the
Average Music Lover to Concert Going
author: Walden, David E.
publisher: Sound And Vision
isbn10 | asin: 0920151205
print isbn13: 9780920151204
ebook isbn13: 9780585141640
language: English
Music appreciation, Concerts, Music--
subject
Terminology--Humor.
publication date: 1996
lcc: MT90.W25 1996eb
ddc: 781.170207
Music appreciation, Concerts, Music--
subject:
Terminology--Humor.
Page iii
How to Stay Awake During Anybody's Second
Movement
Being a Guide for the Average Music Lover to Concert
Going
David Walden Presents
Page v
Table of Contents
Four-Wurd Charles Ewart Farquharson vii
Question How Often ix
Apologia Pro mia booka xi
Preface Allow Me to xiii
Introduction Music Is a Strange Bird xv
Dedication Word of thanks xix
Chapter 1 1
Poplars to Polkas
Chapter 2 7
Wilhemeena's Lament
Chapter 3 10
Booze and Bulbs
Chapter 4 18
Histerical Periods
Chapter 5 37
The Man with the Plates
Chapter 6 47
Conductors Who Needs'em?
Chapter 7 55
Phashion and the Phil
Chapter 8 63
Eye Catchers
Chapter 9 67
How to Sleep Intelligently
Chapter 10 86
Critics and the Clap
Chapter 11 95
Brahms and Gas
Chapter 12 100
"Ya gotta love'em"
Chapter 13 104
What's Hot and What's Not
Appendix I 107
A Pronunciation Guide
Appendix II 112
Conversational Tips
Epilogue Heavenly Droppings 115
Other Works 119
Forthcoming Works 121
Copyright Page 123
Page vii
Four-Wurd frum Charles Ewart Farquharson, D.O.P.E.
(Doctor of Personal Experience)
I mind this Darling perfesser frum hard by Chezlee. In fack, I used to
mind him quite a bit when I thot he wuz sweet on Valeda Drain
Farquharson, the wife and former sweetheart. The wife and I have
relations in Chezlee whenever we're there, and we run into this
Darling feller at Rumball family re-on-ions, becuz he wuz a Darling
on his father's side, but a Rumball on his mother's. Tho' Valeda wuz a
Drain on her father's side and a Boyle on her mother's, she wuz a bit
of a Rumball herself, once remove, if you backtracked fur enuff.
It wuz from this old Darling that Valeda got her intrust in classified
music, the kind played by sympathy orchesters that keeps threttening
to tern into a toon, but never duz. On accounta "deer An-ton," she
becum a regler harpyist, tuck it up, and kep it up all during our
cortship, cuz this so-call perfesser sed he admired her pluck. Thanks
to him, she spent a lotta time with yer Parry Sound Filledharmonics
and even yer McKellar Chamber Potted Orchester, both of which
combine to have a aggravation of over 60, altho' the wife herself wuz
only 59. Both them orgy-anizations wuz award the Nobel prize, with
Honnerbull menshun frum Mactier.
Mind you, after she got into the Holy Acrimony with me, she jist
threw up everything, and that harp now hangs in our cream shed,
where we use it once in a while fer to cut the cheese. But Valeda
never stopped being a vulcher fer culcher. I'm not talkin about cheese
when she's moldy, I mean the high

Page viii
mucky stuff like them Nashnulized Bellydancers prantsin round in
their undywares on the tippy toes. She still lissens to the Grand Old
Opry every Sardy afternoon put on by yer Metrapopolitan and other
insurance cumpnees. Wen it cums to that Waggoner decomposer,
Valeda is a reggler Ringwurm. She kin sit thair all afternoon without
going off her rocker lissening to the hole Gotterdammerung thing.
She still drags me off to consorts with all that catter-walling at yer
Festeral of the Sound that's give in aid of yer Sick and Tired of yer
United Church. So I gess this heer Darling book is fer the likes of me.
I can't tell yiz if the wife and F.S. drops off between movemints, I'm
too bizzy snoring away meself.
Valeda herself sez this luvly culchered book is a wake-up call to all
the Phyllis Steins that cant sit still wen it cums to immoral music.
(Valeda sez the word is immortle, which means it goes on and on
furever.) That's the way that hy-toned stuff always seam to me. So my
four wurds to you other sleepyheds of culcher clods is "READ THIS
HERE BOOK!"
Page ix
Question: How often have you been caught like this?
Be honest, dear reader.
It was you, last Thursday night, who got that nudge from Alma
Squires, the cleaning lady, long after the Chezlee Phil had not only
finished their rendition of the 5th (Ronnie Flood's 5th, that is) but had
packed their instruments and gone to the Ox and Udder for pickled
eggs and stout.
This book is for you, dear dozy friend. It is an instructive guide
presented with stern affection to help you avoid the embarrassing pain
and humiliation of FALLING ASLEEP AT A CONCERT.
Read it with care and I guarantee you will never snooze off again at a
public concert, even if it is the second movement.
Happy Listening!
Page xi
Apologia
While I have titularly focused on the problem of Second Movement
Somniference (2nd Mov'ts. being particularly problematic, as most
composers have used up a lot of their ideas in the first movement,
which is usually pretty fast and they know they've got a last
movement coming up that's gonna go like the wind and use up zillions
of notes per minute, so most and I say most, not all take a bit of a rest
in the 2nd Mov't., taking it real slow with a lot of looooooooong notes
to give themselves a bit of a breather, freshen up and get ready for that
last whizzer), I do feel strongly that the whole problem of sympho-
sleep (or worse, sympho-snore) is based on LACK OF
INFORMATION.
The more clothespegs of musical knowledge you have to hang a piece
on will help tremendously in your:
A) UNDERSTANDING
2) APPRECIATION
and
III) WAKEFULNESS
So, there it is. My raison d'etre for writing this book to tell you about
music so's you'll know what to listen for and therefore not be asked to
leave by that rather nasty usherette called Doreen on aisle B because
of some unfortunately
Page xii
excessive respiratorial utterances, represented graphically by a series
of the letter Z.*
* Now, I know Doreen didn't have the vaguest idea in !@#*& who I was,
or my eminence in the musical community of Chezlee, Ont., but her sharp
words did cut deep and were audible to the rafters. Anyway, she's much
happier at the A & W (the Aardvark and Warthog Pet Shop), where she
has to deal with far more offensive things than dozing deacons of art.**
** However, let me hasten to assure you, dear reader, that this book is no
personal platform for the author to air his pet beefs. In no way. It is to
instruct, inform and encourage. So, here's to it!