How to have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding : with your spouse, your adult child, your boss, your coworker, your best friend, your parent, someone you're dating PDF
Preview How to have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding : with your spouse, your adult child, your boss, your coworker, your best friend, your parent, someone you're dating
To all those who seek to make truthful conversations a central part of all their relationships. Contents Confident Confrontations Part I WHY YOU NEED TO HAVE THAT DIFFICULT CONVERSATION 1 The Talk Can Change Your Life 2 The Benefits of a Good Conversation Part II THE ESSENTIALS OF A GOOF CONVERSATION 3 Be Emotionally Present 4 Be Clear about “You” and “I” 5 Clarify the Problem 6 Balance Grace and Truth 7 Stay on Task 8 Use the Formula, When You Do “A,” I Feel “B” 9 Affirm and Validate 10 Apologize for Your Part in the Problem 11 Avoid “Shoulds” 12 Be an Agent for Change 13 Be Specific 14 Differentiate between Forgiving and Trusting Part III SEEING HOW IT' S DONE 15 Telling People What You Want 16 Making Someone Aware of a Problem 17 Stopping a Behavior 18 Dealing with Blame, Counterattack, and Other Problems Part IV GETTING YOURSELF READY TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION 19 Why You Need to Be Ready 20 How to Get Ready Part V HAVING THE DIFFICULT CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE 21 With Your Spouse 22 With Someone You’re Dating 23 With Your Child 24 With Your Parent 25 With Adult Children 26 At Work 27 With People in Authority Speaking the Truth in Love Small Group Discussion Guide Acknowledgments Sealy Yates, our agent, for his own commitment to truth and love. Scott Bolinder, our publisher, for supporting and partnering with us in this work. Sandy Vander Zicht, our editor, for her expertise and her genuine care about seeing people grow and mature. Maureen Price, director of Cloud-Townsend Resources, for her appreciation for the value of boundaries face-to-face. Denis Beausejour, director of Answers for Life, for his vision and commitment to the process of helping others find Christ and experience the life Christ designed. The attendees of Monday Night Solutions in Irvine, California, for their faithfulness in seeking God and helping us develop the concepts that ended up in this book. Confident Confrontations We never foresaw how well our book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life was going to do. Although we knew through our clinical work that many people identify with the need to regain control of their lives, we had no idea how widespread that need was. Almost everyone feels the need for better boundaries at one time or another. Sometimes we need to deal with a difficult person in a relationship, such as a controller, a manipulator, or someone who is irresponsible or even abusive. At other times we need to figure out what demands of life to say no to so we won’t overextend ourselves. At still other times we need to work out better patterns of intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship, or take a stand for our values in a difficult one. Still other times, we might need to keep someone from taking over more of our time, energy, and resources than we would like to give. There are many, many different contexts of life in which we need to exercise good boundaries. For people who care, setting those boundaries can be tough. So it really is no surprise that Boundaries has found such a ready audience. As a result of the book’s following, we find ourselves speaking to tens of thousands of people directly every year and literally millions through our radio program. When we talk to people, the theme of dealing with difficult relationships continues to surface. Resolving relational issues is always on the forefront of people’s minds. As we answer questions, we find ourselves continually telling people that they should have a direct conversation with the person with whom they have the problem. They repeatedly say either, “I’ve tried that, and it didn’t work,” or, “How would I do that?” Either they have tried and found themselves overpowered or outmaneuvered, or they just don’t know how to broach such a conversation. So we often tell them to role-play with us. We say, “You be him or her and I’ll be you. Now go.” When we show them how to have such a conversation, the lights go on for the first time. They often say things like “I never thought about saying it like that. That makes all the difference in the world. Now I know what to do.” Many people in the audience who observe the role-playing tell us the same thing. Just hearing how to do it gives them a process to follow, and they can go forward with more confidence that they will be able to resolve a tough issue. This book shows readers how to do that, how to have a “boundary conversation.” Most people know that they need to set boundaries with someone or have a difficult conversation with someone, but few know how to do it well. Some are so afraid, they never try; others try and fail dismally; still others do it in a way that does more harm than good. For that reason, people put off confronting, setting boundaries, or “facing into” difficult conversations. As a result, their relationships suffer. For many people, setting boundaries or confronting someone has gotten a bad rap. Yet, both the Bible and research show that confrontation is essential to success in all arenas of life. Successful people confront well. They make it a part of the ongoing texture of their relationships. They face issues in their relationships directly. In fact, the Latin word for confront means just that: to turn your face toward something or someone. We hope this book will return confrontation to its proper positive role in the language of love and relationship. We will show that setting boundaries, confronting, and having that “difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding” is not adversarial, but one of the most loving things you can do. We will show that it is the only way to have the relationship you desire, whether in marriage, dating, friendship, family, or work. And if you learn to have those difficult conversations in a loving, honest, and responsible way, your relationships can become better than you ever thought they could. This book will show you the benefits and essentials of a good conversation, how to have that good conversation, how to prepare yourself before you have the conversation, and how to have it with the various people in your lives. Our prayer is that this book will guide you toward specific conversations in both your difficult and delightful relationships. This will be a “how-to” guide to help you know how to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding and, as a result, get more out of your relationships — and your life. PART I Why You Need Have Difficult to That Conversation
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