How to bonk in public: a handy guide to getting the best sex in all sorts of places, from the ski slopes to the supermarket

145 Pages·2011·3.228 MB·English

by  Prouvost, Mathias

From the best-selling authors of How to Poo at Work and How to
HOW TO
Bonk at Work comes the follow-up that everyone’s been waiting
for: How to Bonk in Public will benefit your sex life wherever you
may end up getting your end away! You know the feeling – a bit BONK
bored at the bus stop and need something to occupy your time
for ten minutes, or that subtitled German ‘art’ movie is just plain
dull so you have an hour to spare… Well worry no more, for How
to Bonk in Public will liberate your mind, body and soul with more
IN PUBLIC
than 50 ways to do it in public in many different places, and help
you solve a lot of classic indoor and outdoor shag problems.
H
O
Too many people around? W
No problem, this book’s full

T
of ideas to get you far from
O
the madding crowd. Caught

B
in the act? Don’t panic,
O
there are many superb
N
excuses inside. Approached K
by a wild boar on heat?
I
N
Don’t worry, the answer to

that problem – and many P
U
others – is within...
B
L
Also available:
I
C
A handy guide to getting the best sex
Humour/Business/Self-help
Mats in all sorts of places, from the ski
&
Enzo slopes to the supermarket
£6.99
www.prionbooks.co.uk Mats & Enzo
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HOW TO
BONK
IN PUBLIC
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Authors’ dedication
To Hugh Grant, who doubtless regrets that this book was not
published earlier…
WARNING
Prion books denies resPonsibility for any Problems you may encounter by
bonking outdoors and for any other Problems you may face by following
any of the jokey advice in this humorous book. we are not resPonsible.*
This edition published in 2011 by Prion Books
an imprint of The Carlton Publishing Group
20 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JW
Text copyright © 2011 Mats and Enzo
Design copyright © 2011 Carlton Books Limited
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of
the publisher. All rights reserved
eISBN 978-1-78013-066-8
A catalogue record of this book can be obtained from the British Library.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
* But we will be proud of you!
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HOW TO
BONK
IN PUBLIC
A handy guide to getting the best sex
in all sorts of places, from the ski
slopes to the supermarket
Mats & Enzo
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CONTENTS
introduction 10
THE ExPErT: DICk JoHNSoN 12

Bonking in nature: the origin of the species 14
Part 1: Places and Positions 16
bonking at the beach 18
The happy grotto 19
The great baywatch 19
The scented control tower 20
A cone with two scoops 20
The enchanted coconut 21
The bonk-brella 21
bonking at the cinema 22
The carnal shadow 23
The rodeo 23
The wheelbarrow of the seventh art 24
The head rest 24
The monkey man 25
The horny janitor 25
4
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bonking at the swimming Pool 26
The high doggy style 27
The Titanic 27
The underwater barstool 28
The new back crawl 28
The Apneajob 29
The magic body board 29
bonking on a ski triP 30
Snack break 31
The enchanted dome 31
Porno toboggan 32
The blind passenger 32
The coolbox 33
The slippery stick 33
bonking at the disco 34
The UBB 35
The music box 35
The wheelbarrow-colada 36
The vibrating bed 36
The slow-blow 37
The drunken dog 37
bonking in a theme Park 38
Spicy tea 39
The wild rock 39
Behind closed walls 40
Masked up 40
The fantastic ride 41
The choo-choo 41
5
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bonking at the suPermarket 42
The doggy cart 43
The stockroom of ecstasy 43
The banana pyramid 44
The contortionists 44
The short-sighted mole 45
The magic trolley 45
bonking in a furniture store 46
The classic 47
The blinding blowjob 47
The 3D 48
The magic box 48
The hot sofa 49
The control tower 49
bonking in a Park 50
Banana and two olives skewer 51
Excited Tarzan 51
The expandable bench 52
A basket with holes 52
The shining pole 53
The Venetian blind 53
6
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Part 2: Problems before 54
It’s really cold and you’re affected 56
You finish too quickly 58
You are caught with a prostitute 60
You feel like it, but your partner doesn’t 62
Your partner feels like it, but you don’t 64
You can’t take a shower 66
You are locked outside in an S&M outfit 68
Part 3: Problems during 70
You are attacked by a wild boar on heat 72
You are bonking in your car and are surprised by a policeman 74
You have cramp 76
Your partner catches you filming 78
She can’t get aroused 80
A priest catches you bonking in church 82
You are stuck 84
A dog licks your bum 86
Your partner makes too much noise at the cinema 88
7
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Part 4: Problems after 90
You mistakenly sent a sexy text to your mother 92
A picture of you was taken while you bonked in a rollercoaster 94
You are interrupted and your condom gets stuck in your zip 96
You are photographed by an online mapping camera
while bonking in your garden 98
You are allergic to grass 100
You are stuck in the middle of the street with pink handcuffs 102
Part 5: Problems during training and warm-uP 104
You are caught measuring your tool 106
You take out a big vibrator in front of your banker 108
You are caught at a DVD dispenser picking up a porno film 110
You are caught without underwear 112
You are caught leaving a sex shop 114
8
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Part 6: how to make organic and fair trade sex toys 116
How to make organic fishnet stockings 118
How to make an organic ball gag 120
How to make a refreshing organic lubricant 122
How to make an organic whip 124
How to make a gimp mask with birthday balloons 126
How to make an artificial vagina 128
How to make an inflatable blow up doll
that can also be used in the sea or at the beach 130
Part 7: how to imProve your life by bonking in Public 132
bonus: 16 tips for a successful group bonk in a park 140
conclusion 142
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