How to Avoid a Bad Relationship PDF
Preview How to Avoid a Bad Relationship
How to Avoid a Bad Relationship by Bryan M. Knight, MSW, PhD. Copyright © 2000--2004 Bryan M. Knight The Chessnut Press ISBN: 0-919848-51-6 All rights reserved Contents The Solution (in brief) Five Signs of a Bad Relationship Nine Excuses We Give Ourselves to Stay The Perfect Partner The Solution (in detail) Causes of Relationship Dissatisfaction Seven Ways to Develop Self-respect Protecting Yourself From a Bad Relationship About Dr Bryan Knight The Solution (in brief) The two keys to avoiding a bad relationship are: ♦ To listen, and ♦ To know yourself. These are, as the saying goes, easier said than done. We'll go into these Two Keys in much more detail at the end of this ebook. First, let’s look at the five signs of a bad relationship: Five Signs of a Bad Relationship 1. The relationship is not satisfying to you. 2. You don’t feel right about the other person. 3. You’d prefer to be with someone else. 4. Your self-respect is being damaged. 5. Your senses of humour are mismatched. Perhaps you laugh at something, which doesn’t even draw a smile from him or her. If this happens once in a while it is not significant. But if you frequently find yourself horrified at what he considers funny, or she rarely laughs when you do, watch out. This is a major sign of incompatibility. It doesn’t mean that one of you is wrong and the other is right. It does indicate differences in temperament and values that could be a chasm ultimately too wide to bridge. If you feel diminished in any way you know you are in a bad relationship. Examples of disrespect are: ♦ your partner laughs at you, ♦ sneers at your accomplishments, ♦ is indifferent to your work, ♦ denigrates women [men], ♦ is unpunctual with you, ♦ ignores your opinions, ♦ is constantly critical, ♦ is unfaithful, or ♦ hits you. You know you’re dissatisfied when you’re often thinking of someone else...especially if you’re making unfavourable comparisons between the current partner and the other person. Unfortunately, it’s often the case that in a woman’s imagination the “Other Man” is a “super guy,” but in reality he is another “creep.” And just as you don’t feel right with your current man, the object of your fantasy will likely prove no better; that is, until you know yourself more thoroughly. Until you’re aware of what attracts you to “creeps.” For instance, part of the attraction a woman has for a man married to someone else is the excitement and danger inherent in an illicit liaison. And that he has already betrayed a woman’s trust. Why would a woman be attracted to such a man? Social biology tells us it's because historically women have sought out rough, tough men to protect them and their babies. Although we live in the 21st century, our basic biology and psychology is still Stone Age. Which is why during my 'How to Avoid a Bad Relationship' seminars most of the women raise their hands when I ask "How many of you find 'decent' men boring and 'creeps' exciting?" Another reason many women are drawn to men who are not good for them is low self-esteem, especially the conviction that: "I'm nothing without a man." And this is despite the supposed liberation of women during recent decades. Which is not to deny the joys of being part of a couple. But I do suggest that for a good relationship a woman has first to respect herself and have her own distinct identity. Gone are the days when a woman could feel fulfilled by simply being an appendage to a man, satisfied with reflected glory of his status or achievements. Similarly, the socio-biology of men tells us that they are programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible. The urge to be unfaithful is inbred you might say. Thus compliant women, content to provide sex, comfort and child-raising, were preferred as mates. Men in the 21st century continue to act out this basic programming. But many also resist blind obedience to biology. Thus, for men, bad relationships can arise: ♦ From discomfort with a woman who is not compliant enough, ♦ From boredom with a woman who is too compliant, ♦ From the man's own low self-esteem, shame or guilt, ♦ From the man's inability to face his fears and vulnerability. Nine Excuses We Give Ourselves to Stay 1. “He’s [she's] O.K. but...” A nagging doubt about some particular aspect of the partner's personality or behaviour should set off alarm bells: (cid:131) “He’s O.K. but he does lose his temper when he drinks...”, (cid:131) “He’s O.K. but I wish he would spend less time with his mother and more time with me”... (cid:131) “He’s O.K. but his super neatness gets to me...” (cid:131) "She's O.K. but that laugh of hers can be irritating…" (cid:131) "She's O.K. but she's so indecisive…" (cid:131) "She's O.K. but she's a bit too flirtatious around other guys.." If the doubt arises from something you cannot, or will not, tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might be your fault, not the other person's. Perhaps you are unrealistic in your desire for a “perfect” person). 2. “He’ll change...” No one changes unless they want to. And can. That you believe he should change, or that you can bring about that change, is a prescription for disaster. 3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is something you truly want. Despite her misgivings one of my clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better judgement. Suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change herself for him. It was a waste. Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and of course adversely affected the relationship. Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts. 4. He or she doesn't accept your kids. Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult if the other person does not accept them. (This is not to say that the children should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement to distinguish between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects of his or her personality). 5. Initial excitement.
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