How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame

189 Pages·2009·0.81 MB·English

by  Satran

How Not to Act Old
185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally
Lame
Pamela Redmond Satran
For my father
Joe Redmond
forever ageless
Contents
Introduction

#1 Stop Using E-mail
How Not to E-mail Old: 10 Musts to Avoid
#2 Don’t Say “Awesome,” “Dude,” or “Yo, You Copped Fire, Son”
Guide to 11 Young-Old Slang Expressions
#3 Unstrap That Rolex
#4 Don’t Fear the Waxer
40-Year-Old Bikini Waxing Virgin? 9 Things to Expect
#5 Avoid Direct Confrontation
#6 Don’t Leave a Message
#7 Don’t Dance to “Sexual Healing”
How to Grind, in 6 Easy Steps

8 Best Old-People Songs to Dance to…And 7 Young Ones That May
Actually Get You Going
#8–19 How Not to Work Old
#20 Beware the Accidental Hookup
What Exactly Is a Hookup? A Teenager Tells All…Well, Some
#21 Don’t Smoke Pot
#22 Don’t Fear the F-Word
#23–29 How Not to Weekend Old
#30 Don’t Get Too Excited about Mondays
#31 Avoid Avoiding Babies
I Would Love to Hold The Baby, But…
#32 Don’t Be Proud of Being Befuddled by Technology
Web Directory 102: 12 Sites You Should Know
#33 Don’t Advise People to Carry an Umbrella
16 Things You Never Need to Say to Another Adult
#34 Don’t Admit You’re Crazy about Springsteen
#35 Don’t Be the Ricky
#36–44 How Not to Be a Cougar
#45 Stop Talking about Menopause
#46 No Lame Parenting Advice
19 Things Never to Say to a Young Parent
#47 Don’t Fear the Tat
8 Tattoos for Old People
#48 Don’t Make Love
#49 Do Not Block the Aisle
#50 Throw off the Middle-Aged Burka
12 Things You Can’t Even Think about Wearing (for Women)
#51 No Poodles
Pet Making You Look Old? 5 Swaps to Consider Now
#52 Don’t Yell into Your Cell Phone
8 Ways Not to Phone Old
#53 Don’t Talk about Your (Grown-up) Children
5 Things to Talk about Instead of Your Kids
#54 Don’t Fear Rap
Easy Listenin’ Rap: 9 Songs Even You Might Like
#55 Don’t Drink Cosmopolitans
3 Young Cocktail Recipes
#56 Learn to Type with Your Thumbs
#57 Cancel the Trip to Provence
#58 Edit the Anecdotes
#59 Don’t Fear the Thong
#60 Don’t Lust after Paul McCartney
8 Hot vs. Crusty Comparisons
#61 No Chronic Health Discussions
#62 Screw the Housework
MadLibs: A Young Person’s Guide to Housekeeping
#63 Break That Saturday Night Sex Routine
#64 Stop Surfing the Net
25 Web Expressions You Should Know Now
#65 Have No Problem
#66 Mooch off Your Parents
#67–73 How Not to Party Old
#74 Don’t Be Shocked by a Touch of Girl-on-Girl
10 Other Things Not to Be Shocked By
#75 Nix on the Negativity
Antinegativity Spin Chart: 6 Upbeat Substitutes
#76 Enough with the Man-Bashing
5 Deathless Man-Bashing Jokes
#77 Don’t Fear the Silence
#78 Don’t Live in West Virginia or Greenwich Village
#79 Don’t Say the Doctor, the Cop, or the Teacher “Looks Twelve”
#80 Cancel the Dinner Party
#81–87 How Not to Facebook Old
#88 Crumble the Dried Flowers
#89 Forget the Sixties Nostalgia
#90 Don’t Wake Up Before Dawn
#91 Enough with the Jane Austen Worship
15 Cool Dead Famous People
8 Uncool Dead Famous People
#92 Don’t Fear the Remote
#93 No History
#94 Don’t Plan
#95 Don’t Be Named Bob or Pat
Change Your Name/Change Your Age: 10 Updates for Your Old Fart
Name
#96 Torch Your Books
7 Ways to Read Younger
#97 Get off the Eternal Diet
Young Person’s Diet and Exercise Plan: 13 Simple Steps to Never Gaining
an Ounce
#98 Say Yay!
#99–124 How Not to Vacation Old
#125 Don’t Live in a Big House and Complain about Money
6 Ways to Renovate Your Money Complaints
#126 C’mon, Tell Us All about Your Sex Life
#127 Scratch That Golf Game
#128 Never Admit You Have No Freaking Clue Who Leighton, Cuttino,
Rihanna, Jensen, Dane, or Feist Are
#129 Turn Your Stereo Up and Your TV Down
#130 Unless You’re in Nagasaki, Don’t Give (or Ask for) Directions
#131 No Hovering
#132 Don’t Cook the Roast
12 Steps to Making Dinner Young
#133 Don’t Lust after the Lifeguard
10 Signs You Might Be a Lech
#134 Dehyphenate Your Name
#135 Don’t Fear the Teenager
#136 Quit Bossing Everybody Around
#137 Don’t Send Greeting Cards
#138 No Matching Anything
#139–143 How Not to Holiday Old
#144 Don’t Go Thinking That Gut Is Normal
#145 Enough with the Seinfeld, Already!
12 Other Cultural References Sure to Date You
#146 Don’t Count Out Exact Change
9 Ways to Annoy Old
#147–160 How Not to Act Old at a Wedding
#161 Don’t Vote Republican
#162 Stop All That Moving Around
#163 Hold the Moo Goo Gai Pan
Old Food/Young Food: 18 Culinary Comparisons
#164 Shave the Soul Patch
12 Things You Can’t Even Think about Wearing (for Men)
#165 Stop Hoping Lauren Conrad Will Just Go Away
12 Other People and Things That Won’t Disappear Anytime Soon (No
Matter How Much You Wish They Would)
#166 Don’t Be a Chicken
8 Fear-Conquering Ideas
#167 Step Away from the Giant Pumpkin
#168 Fall Is So Not Your Favorite Season
8 Other Favorites You May Want to Rethink
#169 Garage Your Hog
14 Things That Used to Be Young but Are Now Old
17 Things That Used to Be Old but Are Now Young
#170 No, That Was Not Mary-Kate Olsen You Saw on the Number 66 Bus
#171 Don’t Have Black Friends, Gay Friends, Guy Friends, Jewish Friends, or
Young Friends
#172 Say Thaynk Kyeeew
#173 Gotta Love Those Entourage Boys
#174 No Bras the Size of Wyoming
#175 Neutralize Your Crazy Old Sperm
#176 Don’t Fear the Birthday
MadLibs: How to Celebrate Your Birthday Right
#177 Stifle the Andy Rooney Rants
#178 Don’t Go Hatin’ on Christmas
Chocolate-Chip Meringue Cookies
#179 Know the Difference between a Brotha and a Bro
#180 Don’t Try to Be as Thin as Twiggy
#181 Don’t Put It in Cruise Control
#182 Don’t Talk to Strangers
#183 No Arcade Fire or Porkpie Hats
8 Items of Hipster Gear You Can Get Away With
8 Items of Hipster Gear You Can’t
#184 Don’t Walk Small
#185 Don’t Die. Or Even Consider the Possibility of Dying.
7 Cool Ways to Die (If You Must)
7 Uncool Ways to Die

Acknowledgments
About the Author
Other Books by Pamela Redmond Satran
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher