How Children Thrive: The Practical Science of Raising Independent, Resilient, and Happy Kids PDF
Preview How Children Thrive: The Practical Science of Raising Independent, Resilient, and Happy Kids
With love and appreciation to my one wife, two children, three parents, four grandparents, and the rest of my extended family and friends Contents Foreword Introduction PART 1 Brain Management as a Developmental Path Marshmallows and the Developing Mind Managing Your Child’s Brain—Until They Can Manage It Themselves Putting One Foot in Front of the Other: Monitoring Milestones Kids Just Need to Be Kids Executive Function Every Day Not Ready for Prime Time Preschool School-Age EF: Building Independence Through Routine Keeping Homework in Its Place Adolescent Brains Aren’t Grown-Up Brains: Collaborating with Your Teen You Gotta Take Care of Yourself PART 2 The A-E-I-O-U and Y of Childhood Well-Being Prioritizing What Matters Most The Vital Role of Play Putting Your Kids on a Media Diet Positive Parenting with Authority Limit-Setting Guides Children Toward Success Chronic Stress and Communication Training Your Brain to Live More Intentionally Practice: Breathing Meditation Bringing Mindfulness Home Mindfulness Starts with You EF Starts with Consistency, Consistency, Consistency Books, the Brain, and Family Relationships Building a Better Learner Making the Choice for Intervention Nothing More or Less Than an EF Deficiency Facts Are Facts, Even Around Child Development Grit, Mindset, and Their Relationship to EF Motivation in Kids Relies on Success Persistence + Skill = Resilience PART 3 Practical, Positive Parenting: Self-Management Every Day Behavior and the Brain: The Early Years (I Want It Now) Time-Outs in Real Time Behavior and the Brain: The Teen Years (Leave Me Alone . . . Except When I Need You) Lovable and Healthy Nutrition for Children To Sleep, Perchance to Sleep Modeling Media Use: Parents First Managing Media Through the Ages PART 4 Mindfulness and Families The Antidote for Perfectionism Practice: Working with Your Inner Critic Attention, the Negativity Bias, and Stress Feeding the Right Wolf Eating as a Metaphor for Mindfulness Practice: Eating Mindfully Managing Stress from Our Toes to Our Head Practice: Body Scan Meditation Emotional Rescue: Using Mindfulness to Reset Your Internal Life Practice: Paying Attention to Emotions Awareness of Thought: Finding the Light in Mental Storms Practice: Watching the Weather Shoring Up Resilience Through Mindfulness: It’s All in Your Mind Unhooked from Reactivity, Hooked onto Wisdom Practice: Getting Unhooked See a Habit to Break a Habit Practice: Fifteen Breaths Self-Compassion and the Average Parent Practice: Self-Compassion Common-Sense Compassion Practice: Compassion (Lovingkindness) Meditation Everyday Mindfulness Mindful Kids in Context Closing Thoughts: Seeing the World as It Is Acknowledgments Notes About the Author Also by Mark Bertin About Sounds True Copyright Praise for How Children Thrive Foreword I FIRST MET MARK BERTIN, MD, when he emailed me about a mindfulness group he was leading for parents out of his pediatrics practice in New York. We stayed in touch in the years after and finally met in person at the wonderful Mindfulness and Youth Conference in San Diego. What started as an email turned into handshake, then a weekend of swapping stories and science about child development, mindfulness, executive function, and more. I squeezed every moment out of the conference breaks to talk with him. Some evenings, we chatted late into the night, rattling off new inspirations and ideas about parenting, pediatrics, psychology, mindfulness, and more. That’s because Mark is a guy with amazing ideas. Since that time, I’ve been both honored and grateful to say that Mark Bertin has become a friend and collaborator. I’ve devoured and recommended his books to colleagues, friends, clients, and anyone else who will listen. But nothing has excited me more than this book you are holding in your hands right now in this very moment—one that every parent and child professional should have on hand in their office or on their nightstand, or maybe both. How Children Thrive offers a scientific yet straightforward guide for raising thriving healthy and happy children. You will find pearls of wisdom on every page and down-to-earth, real-world advice for all manner of challenges that families face in the 21st century, from screen-time battles to social media madness. The irony is a lot of the advice you’ll find in here may sound old- fashioned, and yet it still resonates for families today—and what’s more, has solid research backing it up. Too many of today’s parenting books offer only trendy, simplistic opinions and theories masquerading as books. Not only do they rarely look at the research, they are often just one or two ideas that could fit into a few bullet points on a PowerPoint presentation that have somehow been stretched into a few hundred pages. What Mark offers in the few hundred pages you hold in your hand is a masterful book that includes depth, breadth, and elegant simplicity, with a new insight on every page. Along with the guidance he presents in the book, Mark encourages parents to take advantage of community resources, assuring us that parents of any financial means can raise resilient, successful kids. Further, How Children Thrive is written to fit into parents’ busy lives. You can read just a few pages at a time before falling asleep after a long day of work and play. Beginning with a clear description of what executive function actually is, the book unfolds into an explanation of how we can cultivate executive function and resilience in our children, thus building healthy, happy brains and bodies to last a lifetime. With real-world advice about screens and other distractions, Mark understands the challenges the 21st century presents to all parents and families. And with his advice on self-care and mindfulness for busy parents, he truly helps us put on our own oxygen mask and breathe so that we can best attend to our families. It is my wish for you that you treasure this book, and in so doing have children who grow up to treasure their own childhood and lives as they continue to thrive. Christopher Willard, PsyD Cambridge, Massachusetts Introduction LIFE AS A PARENT may sometimes feel full of pressure and chaos, but it is my hope that this book offers more simplicity and ease instead. By understanding how children develop self-management skills—various cognitive abilities that build resilience—so much falls into place about our family life. Parenting is complicated and full of uncertainty, but when we stick to what helps children thrive and let go of much of the rest, our lives and theirs become far easier. Specific developmental skills act like the CEO of a business, keeping track of the big picture. They are involved with coordinating any life experience that requires persistence, planning, and organization. They are vital for problem- solving, navigating social situations, and monitoring our own behavior. They also dictate much of how children learn in the average classroom and how they manage daily routines. These skills, together often called executive function, or EF, as I refer to it in this book, tie together everything for parents, from the why and how of discipline to easier bedtimes to explaining the real-world benefits of mindfulness. A growing body of research shows that strong executive function sets up children for lifelong success. Modern family life has become more complicated than ever, especially as we find ourselves increasingly bombarded with advice about raising children. Pushed to extremes, we are given the impression that even the smallest decision, from buying a toy to taking a swim class, may have a lasting effect on our children. The pressure to be the perfect parent is overwhelming. But the truth is, the job is too challenging and varied to ever be done to perfection. Far too often, a deluge of contradictory information bogs us down rather than helps us make decisions clearer. Everyone from our mother-in-law to our best friend to the author of the hottest celebrity advice book claims to know best. We scramble to keep up with the latest recommendations, even though practically no one seems to agree on how to raise children. You’re either pro this or anti that;
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