Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say PDF
Preview Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say
B Healing Conversations What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say Nance Guilmartin Guil.001FM 2/17/02 1:21 PM Page xii Guil.001FM 2/17/02 1:21 PM Page i Guil.001FM 2/17/02 1:21 PM Page ii Praise for Healing Conversations “Although understanding how to comfort someone often only comes with living through difficult times, Nance’s book helps you get started . . . taking those first steps toward helping someone in distress.” Niki Tsongas, wife of the late U.S. Senator, Paul Tsongas “After years of working with people in pain, I have heard too many ‘unhealing’ con- B versations. It’s time for us to learn that one word of kindness to someone in pain can begin their recovery. This book teaches us how to pause long enough to listen into the silence of another’s pain and to facilitate the body’s potential to heal itself.” James Waslaski, past chair, American Massage Therapy National Sports Massage Education Council “In coaching managers to have difficult conversations, and having many of them myself, I realize that our fear in having that tough talk is actually worse than the conversation itself. [These] stories remove some of the stumbling blocks and once read, are transformed into personal courage.” Gwendy Longyear-Hayden, director, Human Capital Solutions, Resources Connection “Your book will help clergy like myself to be more attuned to what people in trou- ble are saying. It is a great teaching tool for me and for my colleagues.” Reverend Aram Marashlian, Secretary, Massachusetts’ Firefighters Chaplains Association “Practical, friendly, and thoughtful guide for communication at home, school, and the workplace when confronting the challenge of healing broken relationships.” Badi G. Foster, president, Phelps-Stokes Fund,former director of Tufts University’s Lincoln Filene Center for Citizenship and Public Affairs Guil.001FM 2/17/02 1:21 PM Page iii B Healing Conversations Guil.001FM 2/17/02 1:21 PM Page iv Guil.001FM 2/17/02 1:21 PM Page v B Healing Conversations What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say Nance Guilmartin Guilmartin ebk.qxd 3/7/02 9:48 AM Page 1 Published by Copyright © 2002 by Nance Guilmartin. Jossey-Bass is a registered trademark of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. In some instances, names and circumstances in the stories have been changed to protect privacy. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 750-4744. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158-0012, (212) 850-6011, fax (212) 850-6008, e-mail: [email protected]. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly, call (888) 378-2537, fax to (800) 605-2665, or visit our website at www.josseybass.com. Substantial discounts on bulk quantities of Jossey-Bass books are available to corporations, professional associations, and other organizations. For details and discount information, contact the special sales depart- ment at Jossey-Bass. This title is also available in print as ISBN 0-7879-6019-5. Some content that may appear in the print version of this book may not be available in this electronic edition. An Invitation to Healing Conversations xv Getting Started xix Supporting others without fixing, rescuing, or judging 1 When You Need a Friend 3 Please, Don’t Ask Me How I Am, Unless . . . Beginning a healing conversation 4 Using the Rule of Six Asking for help 8 Just Listen After a sudden loss 13 Rediscovering Empathy What comforts you may not comfort someone else 16 It’ll Be OK, Sugarplum Being a light at the end of the tunnel 20 Mommy, Will He Be OK? Helping children face their fears and yours 22 Asking One Friend to Help Another When you don’t have the answers 27 Unexpected Gifts Accepting help from a stranger 32 Before and After the Move Emotional attics and new road maps 35 It’s Not What You Think The hidden hurts of bankruptcy 40 Who Am I If I’m Not Who I Was? After a life-changing event 45 It’s Over A relationship ends 49 Reflection: Tuning Out of Your Head, Tuning In to Your Heart 53 Health Matters 57 Test Results Getting the news or waiting to hear 58 Peaceful Warrior When you want to help deal with a diagnosis 63 Facing Surgery Before, during, and after 68 Just How Do You Ask for Help? Making your own wish list 72 Paciencia Recovering from depression 75 Is the Doctor In? Making the most of your time as a patient or as a doctor 80 What’s the Difference Between a Cure and Healing? Living with chronic pain 84 What About Me? Supporting the caregiver 89 Second Sight When a disability becomes an ability 92
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