he sizzling, reasonably accurate Meese Commission Minority Report The incredible new ...

116 Pages·2007·32.56 MB·English

he sizzling, reasonably accurate Meese Commission Minority Report
The incredible new, guaranteed weight loss Mice Diet
Lake You Begone Days, America's 4,362nd Bestseller
Aristotle Onassis goes to Caroline's Wedding
DEC .1986 $3.95
THE HUMOR MAGAZINE
NOW A BI-MONTHLY
RETAILER- DISPLAY UNTIL JANUARY 3. 1987
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
16 mg. "lar", 1.2 mg. mconne av. per cigarette by FTC method.
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
I*
Share a new adventure.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
Now
on
OVER AN HOUR'S WORT'
OF HIGHLIGHTS FROM
THE LIVE COMEDY EVEN
OF THE DECADE!
featuring
Sid .Caesar «
John Candy s i
George Carl in ?
Billy Crystal
Firesign Theatre
Whoopi Goldberg
"Bobcat" Goldthwait
Dick Gregory
Mary Gross
Michael Keaton
Eugene Levy
lohn Lovitz *
Howie Mandel
Dennis Miller
Laraine Newman
Catherine O'Hara
i««r
laroia Kamis
Ca~f!~Reiner
Look for "The Best Of Comic Relief" at your favorite record
Paul Rodriquez
fetore or send $9.98 plus $2.00 shipping and handling to:
Rhino Records/Dept TBS Carry Shandling
Jt 1201 Olympic Blvd. Martin Short
^ Santa Monica, CA 90404 George Wendt
(California residents please add 6% sales tax.) 0 Robin Williams
Henny Youngman
PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY TO INSURE CORRECT DELIVERY
Artists' royalties donated to projects in the
NAME __________________ National Health Care jor (fie Homeless Program,
1 Donations to Comic Relief can be made by
ADDRESS sending your check or money order to:
Comic Relief
CITY/STATE/ZIP: _______________________ P.O. Box 22008 Los Angeles, CA 90040
Or by calling 1-800-528-1000 f
i would tike the D Album D Cassette D Free Rhino Catalog
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
Editorial, 6
Letters from the Editors, 10
And Whose Little Monkey Are You?, 12
By Paul Krassner
True Facts, 16
Edited by John Bendel
Red on Deadball, 22
By Fred "Red" Auerhach as told to Tommy Koenig
Illustrated by Paul Corio
Drinking Tips and Other War Stories, 24
By Michael Simmons
Death Be Not Funny, 28
By Michael Reiss and AI Jean
Illustrated by Drew Friedman
. No Such Luck, 30
By Chris Miller
Illustrated by Jim Bennctt
America Celebrates: Triumph of the Swill, 35
By Rick Meyerowitz and John Weidman
I Temporarily Returned from the Dead and Went
to Caroline Kennedy's Wedding, 41
By Aristotle Onassis as told to "Ibd Carroll
One Night Stand, 45
By Shary Flenniken
Attorney Generaj's Commission on
Pornography Minority Report, 49
By Larry Sloman and Ed Subitzky
Lake Youbegone Days, 56
By Ellis Weiner
Illustrated by Shmulke Escondibe
Stranger than Fact, 59
By Ed Blucstonc
An Interview with the 200-Year-Old
National Lampoon Editor, 66
By Gerry Sussmun
Illustrated by John Gurney
Gilbert Gottfried's Fifty or So, Give
or Take One or Two, Things to Say When
You Can't Achieve an Erection, 68
By Gilbert Gottfried
Photographed by Peter Kleinman
What They Tell You Isn't What They're Doing, 70
By Gahan Wilson
You, Too, Can Be a Millionaire!, 76
By Dave Hanson
Charts by Paul Davis
Alex Aesop Master Detective, 80 Funny Pages, 99
By Rodcigues By Victor Levin
The Rise and Fall of the Geek Civilization, 85 Alan Kirschenbaum
Adam Kiibert
By Andy Simmons
M.K- Brown
Illustrated by Bob Brown, Bob Itakita, and Marc Taffctt
Kodrigues
How the National Lampoon Ruined My Life, 90
Buddy Hickerson
By.leffGrecnfield B.K. Taylor
Photographed by Peter Kleinman Mark Marek
4 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
Come on down lo Jack Daniel's someday and watch us make our smooth-iippin' whiskey.
AGING A BATCH OF JACK DANIEL'S calls for years of time
and no small amount of footwork.
There are thousands of charred oak barrels in a
ten-story warehouse. Full up, each barrel is too
heavy to lift. So to get the whiskey properly
maturing, our barrelmen need to kick them into
place. If you ever tried to boot a 400 pound
barrel, you'd know what these gentlemen aarr<e
up against. But after a sip of properly aged
Jack Daniel's, you'll be glad they're so fancy
with their feet.
CHARCOAL MELLOWED FOR SMOOTHNESS
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
W
hat with this being our 200th
Anniversary issue and a double
issue, two for the price of two,
we have tried to come up with some
thing special for you. The first sugges
tion was to invite 200 politicians to
write humor pieces namely their cam
paign platforms but that got knocked
down because it was decided that we
wanted to mix some nonfiction with
fiction.
One editor suggested publishing 200
dirty stories, but with the noise being
made by the idiot fringe who have taken
it upon themselves to decide what the
media should or should not prim, we fig
ured we better not go that route lest we
lose both our second-class mailing per
mit and our right to worship at the
church of our choice.
Another thought: We should print a
200-page apology to the fourteen indig
nant non-readers who wrote to us and
our advertisers regarding tlie infamous
"Baby in the Blender" photo. But our
public relations chief told us to lay low
on that one, too. He felt that any further
continued on page 20
Editor in Chief: Matty Simmons
Executive Editor: Larry "Ratso" Sloman Executive Art Director: Peter Kleinman
Editors: Andy Simmons, Michael Simmons Copy Editor: Diane Giddis
Production Art Director: Chris Howland Associate Art Director: Sheryl Cooper Art Associate: Paul Corio
________________ Art Administrator: Jane Musct Editorial Associate: Natascha Franco________________
Contributing Editors: George Barkinjohn Bendel, Lance Contrucci, Josh Alan Friedman, Gilbert Gottfried,
Mark Groubert, Dave Hanson, Willjacobs, GerardJones, Tony Kisch, Todd McGovern, Paul Somers,Jr.,
Ed Subitzky, Gerald Sussman, John Waters, Patrick Weathers_____ _____________
Contributing Artists: Ron Barrett, M. K. Brown, John Caldwell, Tom Cheney, Shary Flenniken,
Drew Friedman, Rick Geary, Sam Gross, R. G. Harris, Buddy Hickerson, Randy Jones, Adam Kubert,
Mark Marek, Rick Meyerowitz, Robert Neubecker, Robert Orzechowski,
_______Bob Raktta, Ralph Reese, Charles Rodrigues, Marc Taffet, B. K. Taylor, Gahaii Wilson, Jeff Wong_______
____________Publisher: George S. Agoglia Advertising Production Director: Howard Jurofsky____________
Administrative Assistant: Carol Epstein Production Assistant: Sandy Perez _______
Chairman and President: Matty Simmons
Chairman, Executive Committee: Leonard Mogel Executive Vice President; George S. Agoglia
Vice President, Subscriptions and Product Sales; Howard Jurof sky Controller: Walter Garibaldi
Advertising Offices, New York: 635 Madison Avenue. New York. N Y 10022. (212] 689-4070, Mark Grouberl. Manorial Sates Representative. Midwest, Chicago Office: The Guenther
Company, River Plaza. Suite 4509. 405 N. Wabash Chicago lit 60611 [phone], Joseph Guenther Detroit Office: The Guertlher Company, 790 Colonial Court. Birmingham, Mich.
48009. [313) 540-0632 Chris Guenther West Coast: JE Publishers Representative Company, 6855 Santa Monica Boulevard.Suite 200. Los Angeles. Calif 90038, (2131 467-2266. Jay
Eisenberg South: Brown & Company. 5110 Roswell Road, Marietta Ga. 30062. [phone]. Byron Brown Eastern and Midwestern Canada: Caweth Advertising Sales. PO Station "F"
Bag 598. Charles Streel. E Toronto. Ontario, Canada. [phone]. Arlhur Carvelh
National Lampoon MagazlnefESSN 0027-9587): Published bimonthly by NL Communications. Inc "Nalional Lamrjoon" is a registered trademark of Nl_ Communications, Inc The Lampoon
name is used with the permission of The Harvard Lampoon, Inc Copyright?, 1986. NL Communications, Inc..635 Madison Avenue, New YorK. N V 10022 All rights reseived Nothing may be
reprinted in whole or in part without wnlten permission Irorn the publisher Subscriptions: $15 95 paid annual subscription. $23.95 paid two-year subscription, and $30 95 paid Ihree-year
subscription in territorial U S Additional $5 00 outside territorial U.S Second-class postage paid at New York. N.Y. ana1 additional mail ing of I ices
Change of Address: Subscriber, please send change ol address lo Subscription Manager. National Lampoon Magazine. 635 Madison Avenue. New York. N.Y 10022 Be sure to give old
address, new address, and zip code for both Allow six weeks for change Postmaster: Please address changes to Subscription Manager. National Lampoon Magazine. 635 Madison
Avenue, New York. NY 10022 Advertising Information: National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue. New York, N.Y 10022, or call [phone] Exclusive ol the National Lampoon
True Section, all incidents, situations, and products depicted or described in the editorial pages ol National Lampoon are fictional, and any similarity, wilhout satiric intenl, of characters
presented therein to living persons is coincidental The editors of National Lampoon accept reader submissions of photos, clippings, and other items for inclusion in the National Lampoon
True Section. Upon receipl these items become the exclusive property of National Lampoon. Other than True Section submissions, National Lampoon does not accept any unsolicited
material ol any kind.
6 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
Mark Watson would have
sol^ =..0 soul to get
through law school.
Instead, he found it.
PG'13 PARENTS STRONGLY CAUTIONED<32
Some Material May Be Inappropriate tor Children Under 13 ' fIII * ^
,<S> frS'OFtA
i 1986NEWWORU) PICTURES
OPENS OCTOBER 24, EVERYWHERE.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
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Sirs: Sirs:
Did you know that out of the 18 billion 1 hope they're bringing out more That has a nice ring to it. Sirs. Hm-
dollar Dept. of Education budget, 976 shrimp. mmm. Sirs? Sirs Sirs sirs sirs sirs sirs
million dollars is spent annually for the Sarah and Saul Yiskowitz sirsirsirsirsirsirsirsirs sssssssssssss
sole purpose of removing chewing gum David Blustein's Bar Mitzvah Sirs Sirs Sirsirsirs Sirs Sirs sirsirsirsir sirs
from underneath students' desks! As Great Neck, N.Y. sirs sirs sirs Sirs Sirs Sirs .Sirs Sirs
much as 5 20% of a school's budget That'll be 525,000.
might be allotted to guni-chcwage re Philip Class
moval. In one Los Angeles school Neiv York New York NewNeu'YorkNcu'Yo
district, the school board was forced to Sirs:
cut all the mathematics courses as well You would never have caught us pimp
as half the history curriculum includ ing for Madison Avenue, hanging out
ing all the years between 1556 and with pussy TV stars, or using goddamn J found an interesting product on the
1748 just to cover the cost of scraping drum machines and hair spray. It's a market: specialty phone answering
gum. And you wonder why we're spit good thing we died when we did. The tapes. Here is one that impressed me.
ting out such dumb kids. music up here is great. And you are a "This is an EST telephone answering
Sen. William Proxmire sorry bunch of limp assholes. machine tape. We want you to fccl more
Wnsblngttm, D.C Jim.Jimi, and Jan is secure about what you have to say to and
(and those are just the "J's") on this machine. You are here to help
Heaven yourself, hut lirst you have got to under
Sirs: stand that you are no better than anyone
The pen is mightier than the sword. else. You are no better than me. you are
I Inless, of course, you stick the sword in no better than this phone, fn (act, this
Sirs:
someone's eyeball then they're just phone is better than you..."
1 did it all because Miriam Feinberg
about the same. Well, that should give you the idea.
wouldn't go to the senior prom with me.
William Shakespeare The recording goes on for nine hours
A. Hitler
Dead-on-the-Thames, England straight with no break to pee. It's tough,
Munich, West Germany
but it gets the message across.
Waller Wallblah
Sirs: Lajolla, Calif.
Sirs:
The situation has finally gotten out of
Hairy knuckles, l.ove handles. Reced
hand. Bessie, our cleaning lady, has be
ing hairlines. Boners in church. 1 lairy
come more and more obstinate over the Sirs:
backs. Premature ejaculation. Bald spots.
years. First, she simply wouldn't do win It has allegedly come to my attention
Spare tires. Impotence. Shiny bright
dows. Then she took a stand against that certain allegedly unscrupulous
chrome domes. Ha ha. Pretty funny
dusting my husband Don's PC. Ill termi alleged independent promoters have
A Broad
nal. Now, she won't even touch the allegedly been paying alleged bribes of
Milwaukee, Wis.
liquor cabinet because her brother-in- alleged money, drugs, and hookers to
law told her the vodka contains radioac alleged program directors to allegedly
Sirs:
tive dust. Where can you get good help persuade them to play alleged records
Roll me out.
anymore? on their alleged radio stations. These
And cut me right.'
Distraught Homemaker allegations were allegedly alleged on an
Wrap me round,
Skokie, IH. alleged network news program on an al
And tape me tight,
leged network allegedly in competition
Put on a ribbon.
with our own allegedly fine company
Then a bow.
1 just ate at a fabulous little restaurant, which not only has an alleged news or
Your gift looks cool
and I was tres impressed by a creation ganization of its own but, allegedly, an
And ready to go.
they call "Flambe de Fois Gras." A live alleged record company as well. These
Rapping Paper
goose is brought to your table, then the alleged allegations allege that organized
Harlem Stationery Shop
waiter cuts out the liver, douses it with crime figures allegedly control much of
New York, N.Y
gasoline, and sets it on fire. It is vraimcnt what you hear on the radio. But these
serump-diddley-umptious. Especially the are only allegations, and I say that any
Sirs; feathers, which they serve as a garnish. one who continues to allege unproven
Fk, slit, ps, cm. If y en rd ths, Ed Mse I'll eat anything. allegations like this might find himself
wsnt hr. Paul Prudhomme falling off allege.
Hgh Hfnr Big Fat Chef An Alleged Record Co. President
Mansion, Calif. New Orleans, La. Neii' York, N. Y
continued on page 15
10 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.