Happily Ever After: Gender, Romance and Relationships in the Christian Courtship Movement ...

236 Pages·2012·1.78 MB·English

Happily Ever After: Gender, Romance and Relationships in the Christian Courtship
Movement

Dissertation

Presented in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree Doctor of Philosophy
in the Graduate School of The Ohio State University
By
Elizabeth Lauren Shively, M.A.
Department of Comparative Studies

The Ohio State University
2012

Dissertation Committee:
Tanya Erzen, Advisor

Mary Thomas, Advisor
Hugh B. Urban

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Copyright by
Elizabeth Lauren Shively
2012

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Abstract

Courtship, the practice of forgoing traditional dating in favor of trusting God to
choose your mate, has been gaining ground among conservative Christians in the U.S.
since the early 1990s, but it has received little attention in scholarship or popular media.
It emerged among Christian homeschooling families who were looking for an alternative
to traditional dating, which they feared would bring sexual and romantic temptations into
the lives of their children. The movement gained widespread appeal with the 1997
publication of Joshua Harris’ courtship confessional I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which
went on to sell nearly a million copies. Combining ethnographic fieldwork, including
interviews with courtship participants, and analysis of courtship media, including the
movement’s popular self-help books, this dissertation is the first to examine the courtship
movement comprehensively, including its authors and proponents, media, theology,
discourses and participants.
This dissertation traces the growth of courtship alongside the Christian
homeschool movement, arguing that the movement owes its growth to the proclivity of

homeschool students to be both enterprising and voracious readers. Despites participants’
reluctance to embrace the ‘courtship’ label or endorse a particular Christian
denomination, I identify courtship’s ties to Christian Reconstructionist theology, and I
argue that courtship authors’ reluctance to enforce a courtship formula has actually
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contributed to the successful spread of courtship principles, including parental
involvement, physical and emotional purity, and dating only with the purpose of marriage
in mind.
It also identifies characteristics I call luminous femininity and radiant modesty.
Girls in the courtship movement strive to exude a mix of warm nurturing, service,
hospitality and radiant modesty, a glowing purity. Contrary to critiques that equate
traditional femininity with passivity, I find that girls in the courtship movement actively
embrace traditionally feminine characteristics as part of a bargain in which they trade
nurturing care for financial security.
The Christian courtship movement defines romance as a mix of emotional
intimacy and carefully orchestrated gestures of love, and advocates encourage Christian
singles to save romance for engagement and marriage with one person. What courtship
participant miss out on in quantity of romantic partners, they hope to make up in for in
the quality of a beautiful “God-written” romance. This understanding of romance is
consistent with messages of love and intimacy in the broader culture, which suggests that
rather than sex, romance is the real prize worth waiting for.
This dissertation also explores the relation of courtship to the institutions of
heterosexual marriage and the nuclear family. By prioritizing family relationships,
familiarizing potentially romantic relationships, practicing for future families, surveilling

the courtship process in the context of the family home and moving directly from one
nuclear family structure to the next, courtship attempts to recuperate what courtship
proponents understand as God’s plan for romance and family, including young marriage,
early parenthood and large families.
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Dedication

For Jon and Jack

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Acknowledgments

On the mantle above the fireplace in my living room is a handmade card, covered
with the bright crayon drawings of the little girl whose family I stayed with briefly during
my dissertation research. The card reminds of the short time I spent immersed in a small
community of courtship families, of long days at a local church, of riding past Iowa
cornfields under a big blue summer sky with her big sister. It reminds me that, truly, the
best part of my seven-year graduate school journey was the time I spent getting to know
the people whose stories make up this dissertation. I thank them for their participation,
their interest and their hospitality. Beyond these participants, my work was made possible
by grants from the Stella Hiltner Fund for Comparative Religious Studies and the Arts &
Humanities Graduate Research Small Grants Program.
I thank my dissertation committee, not only for providing insightful feedback, but
for serving as models of the kind of scholar I hope one day to be. I feel fortunate to have
been paired with an advisor, Tanya Erzen, whose work shares not only an interest in the
same topics I find compelling, but also a commitment to engage with audiences both
inside and outside the academy. My advisor Mary Thomas helped me navigate the rough

waters of graduate school with a mix of warmth and practicality, serving as both a
cheerleader and the kindest of deadline enforcers. I thank Hugh Urban for his comments
on this project and for serving as a teaching mentor. I would not have made it this far
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without the support of my graduate school friends and colleagues Lindsay Bernhagen,
Kate Dean-Haidet, Katie Rask, Alissa Rubenstein, Stacey Saunders and Rita Trimble.
Most importantly, I thank family—my mom, who never gets tired of answering
my distressed phone calls and my dad, whose passion I have inherited, my brothers, and
their wives, who have become my best friends as we’ve made our way in the “real
world,” building families and careers, my husband, Jon, who has seen me through the
worst and celebrated with me the best moments for a decade, and our son Jack, who
reminds me every day what it’s all about.

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Vita

2004…………………………………………B.A. Journalism, Indiana University-Purdue
University Indianapolis
2007…………………………………………M.A. Women’s Studies, The George
Washington University
2008 to present………………………………Graduate Teaching Associate, Department
of Comparative Studies, The Ohio State
University

Fields of Study

Major Field: Comparative Studies
Other Fields: Women's and Gender Studies; Sexuality Studies; American Studies;
Religious Studies

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Table of Contents

Abstract……………………………………………...................................... ii
Dedication………………………………………………………………….iv
Acknowledgements………………………………………………………....v
Vita………………………………………………………………………...vii
Introduction………………………………………………………………....1
Chapter One: The Movement……………………………………………...47
Chapter Two: Luminous Femininity………………………………………72
Chapter Three: “Guard Your Heart”……………………………………...126
Chapter Four: First Comes Marriage………………...................................173
Conclusion……………………………………………………………… 213
Bibliography………………………………………………………………220
Appendix A: Interview Participants Chart………..………………………227

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Introduction: A Textbook Courtship
Even through grainy home video footage, the sense of anticipation is palpable.
The last strains of a processional hymn that accompanied the bridal party down the long
aisle fade out, and there is a moment of stillness in the church before the sanctuary swells
with the opening chords of Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus.” The large crowd, filling row after
row of crowded pews, stands to greet the bride. The double doors open wide, and
Lindsay, linking arms with her father, begins her long-anticipated walk down the aisle.
It had been two years since Lindsay, 23, watched 23 year-old David’s heroic on-
screen role in a locally-produced Christian film, and her feelings for her longtime
acquaintance deepened.1 When she saw the film, she says, “My heart turned toward
David. And I couldn’t bear the thought of him being with someone else.”2 But because
Lindsay was committed to the tenets of Christian courtship, she could not make the first
move. Courtship is the practice of eschewing dating in favor of trusting God to choose
your mate. Christian singles committed to courtship principles avoid romantic
relationships until they feel that God has revealed to them that they are in the “season of

1 I have changed the names and identifying details of the courtship participants I met and interviewed to
protect their anonymity. I refer to courtship authors and other public figures by their actual names. Unless
otherwise indicated, all quoted material is taken from fieldnotes and interviewed transcripts I collected
from 2010 to 2012.
2 David and Lindsay’s story is taken from my interview with the couple, as well as the DVD they produced
for guests at their wedding.
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