Gay Dads: Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood

244 Pages·2012·1.35 MB·English

by  Abbie E. Goldberg

Gay Dads
Qualitative Studies In Psychology
This series showcases the power and possibility of qualitative work in psychology. Books fea-
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Lucey, and June Melody Gay Dads: Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood
Abbie E. Goldberg
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Gay Dads
Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood
Abbie E. Goldberg
a
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Goldberg, Abbie E.
Gay dads : transitions to adoptive fatherhood / Abbie E. Goldberg.
p. cm. -- (Qualitative studies in psychology)
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-8147-3223-6 (cl : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-0-8147-3224-3 (pb : alk. paper) -- ISBN
978-0-8147-0815-6 (ebook) -- ISBN 978-0-8147-0829-3 (ebook)
1. Gay fathers. 2. Gay fathers--Family relationships. I. Title.
HQ76.13.G65 2012
306.874’208664--dc23
2011052281
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Contents
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction: Gay Parenthood in Context 1
1 Decisions, Decisions: Gay Men Turn toward Parenthood 25
2 Navigating Structural and Symbolic Inequalities on the Path to
Parenthood: Adoption Agencies, the Legal System, and Beyond 62
3 Engaging Multiple Roles and Identities: Men’s Experiences
(Re)negotiating Work and Family 95
4 Kinship Ties across the Transition to Parenthood: Gay Men’s
Relationships with Family and Friends 131
5 Public Representations of Gay Parenthood: Men’s Experiences
Stepping “Out” as Parents and Families in Their Communities 167
Conclusion 193
Appendix A: The Larger Study 203
Appendix B: Procedure 205
Appendix C: Interview Questions 207
Appendix D: Participant Demographic Table 211
Notes 215
References 219
Index 233
About the Author 235
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Acknowledgments
Writing this book was a journey. Before I even began the writing process, I
engaged in five years of participant interviews. I did not do all of these inter-
views by myself—I had a team of fantastic graduate research assistants who
assisted me. I am deeply grateful for the sensitivity, care, and discipline of my
doctoral students Jordan Downing, Lori Kinkler, April Moyer, Hannah Rich-
ardson, and Christine Sauck, all of whom interviewed participants. These
same graduate students also helped to transcribe the open-ended interviews,
a process which took several years. This book would have never come to
fruition without their collaborative and disciplined work ethic. Many hard-
working undergraduate research assistants also provided transcription assis-
tance. Special thanks are owed to those undergraduate students who put in
several years of service to the Transition to Adoptive Parenthood Project.
These “longtimers” put in many hours transcribing the interviews, editing
them, and sharing their ideas about them with me. I know that my research
assistants will recognize and recall with much fondness the voices featured
in this book.
I am also indebted to my superb mentors and colleagues, most notably,
Katherine R. Allen and Maureen Perry-Jenkins. Both women nurtured my
intellectual development, provided me with support and guidance, and on
more than one occasion gave me the “rah-rah!” I needed to continue. In addi-
tion, they have also been wonderful friends and collaborators. I am also very
grateful to have such excellent friends and collaborators in Dana Berkowitz,
Mark Gianino, Kate Kuvalanka, Ramona Oswald, Lori E. Ross, Stephen Rus-
sell, and JuliAnna Smith. I have found an “academic family” in these individ-
uals, all of whom study or have collaborated with me on research related to
sexual diversity, social justice, or gay-parent families. Without them I would
be an island.
I am also deeply grateful to my funders, who recognized the potential of
this work and provided the resources to help make it happen. Clark Univer-
sity, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, and
the American Psychological Association all provided funding that enabled
me to conduct this particular study on gay fathers’ transition to adoptive
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viii << Acknowledgments
parenthood. I am fortunate to have received funding from the Williams Insti-
tute, the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, the Alfred P. Sloan Founda-
tion, the Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues, and the Spencer
Foundation to conduct further follow-ups of this group of men.
I am also filled with gratitude that I have such a wonderfully supportive
group of colleagues at Clark University. Michael Addis, Esteban Cardemil,
James Cordova, and Wendy Grolnick all read many drafts of my initial
grant proposals on this topic. They—and the psychology department at as a
whole—have always been supportive and encouraging of my research on this
topic, for which I am so appreciative.
My journey in writing this book was deeply enriched by the editorial
guidance of Jeanne Marecek and Michelle Fine, the series editors, and Jen-
nifer Hammer, my editor at NYU Press. They provided important critical
feedback at every stage of the manuscript. I could not have asked for more
dedicated and thoughtful editors. Their wise insights and ability to see the
bigger picture truly facilitated a finer finished product. I also thank the two
external reviewers for engaging with my manuscript so fully and for offering
valuable and constructive feedback.
I am thankful, beyond words, to the men in this study. They shared their
stories, struggles, heartaches, joys, successes, and insights. They let us into
their lives and enabled us to learn from them. I am so moved by their will-
ingness—and often excitement—to let us share with them the intimate and
often challenging experience of transitioning to parenthood. This book is for
them, and all the gay fathers who preceded them and who will follow them.
They say that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and they are
right. I am grateful to my inner circle of family and friends who have helped
me to maintain a balance between work and play. I share all my successes
with them, because they have been my biggest supporters—in particular, my
parents, who taught me that I could achieve anything, and my brothers, who
let me believe that.
Finally, I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for the love and sup-
port of my immediate family. Owen, my husband and partner, has ensured
that I have time to write and work, while also filling my life with so much
light that I am regularly drawn out of my literal and symbolic “office.” I have
him to thank for everything. Alex, my daughter, is the firefly at the center of
that light. She has redefined my life and my understanding of what is impor-
tant, and for that I am deeply grateful.
Introduction
Gay Parenthood in Context
Carter, a 37-year-old teacher, and Patrick, a 41-year-old professor, lived in a
midwestern suburb. They had been together for approximately 10 years at the
time they began to consider parenthood. Before meeting Patrick, Carter had
been unsure of whether he would be able to become a parent. He felt that he
might have “abandoned that dream” when he came out. In contrast, Patrick
had never considered not becoming a parent: “As a gay person there are so
many things you can’t do and you just have to work around it. It is just one of
those things. I knew that if I want[ed] to have a family, that is just what I am
going to have to do.” Meeting Patrick and being exposed to other gay parents
led Carter to rethink his initial hesitations about gay parenthood. After 10
years together, and a move into a larger house in a family-friendly neigh-
borhood, the couple finally felt ready to take the plunge. They had a large,
supportive network of family and friends and therefore felt well supported in
their quest to become parents.
In deciding what route to take to parenthood, both men briefly considered
surrogacy but then concluded, largely based on cost, that it did not make
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