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Gay Dads: Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood PDF

244 Pages·2012·1.35 MB·English
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Gay Dads Qualitative Studies In Psychology This series showcases the power and possibility of qualitative work in psychology. Books fea- ture detailed and vivid accounts of qualitative psychology research using a variety of meth- ods, including participant observation and field work, discursive and textual analyses, and critical cultural history. They probe vital issues of theory, implementation, interpretation, representation, and ethics that qualitative workers confront. The series mission is to enlarge and refine the repertoire of qualitative approaches to psychology. General Editors Michelle Fine and Jeanne Marecek Everyday Courage: The Lives and Living Outside Mental Illness: Qualitative Stories of Urban Teenagers Studies of Recovery in Schizophrenia Niobe Way Larry Davidson Negotiating Consent in Psychotherapy Autism and the Myth of the Person Alone Patrick O’Neill Douglas Biklen with Sue Rubin, Tito Rajarshi Mukhopadhyay, Lucy Blackman, Flirting with Danger: Young Women’s Larry Bissonnette, Alberto Frugone, Reflections on Sexuality and Domination Richard Attfield, and Jamie Burke Lynn M. Phillips American Karma: Race, Culture, and Voted Out: The Psychological Identity in the Indian Diaspora Consequences of Anti-Gay Politics Sunil Bhatia Glenda M. Russell Muslim American Youth: Inner City Kids: Adolescents Confront Life Understanding Hyphenated Identities and Violence in an Urban Community through Multiple Methods Alice McIntyre Selcuk R. Sirin and Michelle Fine From Subjects to Subjectivities: A Handbook Pride in the Projects: Teens Building of Interpretive and Participatory Methods Identities in Urban Contexts Edited by Deborah L. Tolman Nancy L. Deutsch and Mary Brydon-Miller Corridor Cultures: Mapping Student Growing Up Girl: Psychosocial Resistance at an Urban High School Explorations of Gender and Class Maryann Dickar Valerie Walkerdine, Helen Lucey, and June Melody Gay Dads: Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood Abbie E. Goldberg Voicing Chicana Feminisms: Young Women Speak Out on Sexuality and Identity Aida Hurtado Situating Sadness: Women and Depression in Social Context Edited by Janet M. Stoppard and Linda M. McMullen Gay Dads Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood Abbie E. Goldberg a NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS New York and London NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS New York and London www.nyupress.org © 2012 by New York University All rights reserved References to Internet websites (URLs) were accurate at the time of writing. Neither the author nor New York University Press is responsible for URLs that may have expired or changed since the manuscript was prepared. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Goldberg, Abbie E. Gay dads : transitions to adoptive fatherhood / Abbie E. Goldberg. p. cm. -- (Qualitative studies in psychology) Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-8147-3223-6 (cl : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-0-8147-3224-3 (pb : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-0-8147-0815-6 (ebook) -- ISBN 978-0-8147-0829-3 (ebook) 1. Gay fathers. 2. Gay fathers--Family relationships. I. Title. HQ76.13.G65 2012 306.874’208664--dc23 2011052281 New York University Press books are printed on acid-free paper, and their binding materials are chosen for strength and durability. We strive to use environmentally responsible suppliers and materials to the greatest extent possible in publishing our books. Manufactured in the United States of America c 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 p 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Contents Acknowledgments vii Introduction: Gay Parenthood in Context 1 1 Decisions, Decisions: Gay Men Turn toward Parenthood 25 2 Navigating Structural and Symbolic Inequalities on the Path to Parenthood: Adoption Agencies, the Legal System, and Beyond 62 3 Engaging Multiple Roles and Identities: Men’s Experiences (Re)negotiating Work and Family 95 4 Kinship Ties across the Transition to Parenthood: Gay Men’s Relationships with Family and Friends 131 5 Public Representations of Gay Parenthood: Men’s Experiences Stepping “Out” as Parents and Families in Their Communities 167 Conclusion 193 Appendix A: The Larger Study 203 Appendix B: Procedure 205 Appendix C: Interview Questions 207 Appendix D: Participant Demographic Table 211 Notes 215 References 219 Index 233 About the Author 235 >> v This page intentionally left blank Acknowledgments Writing this book was a journey. Before I even began the writing process, I engaged in five years of participant interviews. I did not do all of these inter- views by myself—I had a team of fantastic graduate research assistants who assisted me. I am deeply grateful for the sensitivity, care, and discipline of my doctoral students Jordan Downing, Lori Kinkler, April Moyer, Hannah Rich- ardson, and Christine Sauck, all of whom interviewed participants. These same graduate students also helped to transcribe the open-ended interviews, a process which took several years. This book would have never come to fruition without their collaborative and disciplined work ethic. Many hard- working undergraduate research assistants also provided transcription assis- tance. Special thanks are owed to those undergraduate students who put in several years of service to the Transition to Adoptive Parenthood Project. These “longtimers” put in many hours transcribing the interviews, editing them, and sharing their ideas about them with me. I know that my research assistants will recognize and recall with much fondness the voices featured in this book. I am also indebted to my superb mentors and colleagues, most notably, Katherine R. Allen and Maureen Perry-Jenkins. Both women nurtured my intellectual development, provided me with support and guidance, and on more than one occasion gave me the “rah-rah!” I needed to continue. In addi- tion, they have also been wonderful friends and collaborators. I am also very grateful to have such excellent friends and collaborators in Dana Berkowitz, Mark Gianino, Kate Kuvalanka, Ramona Oswald, Lori E. Ross, Stephen Rus- sell, and JuliAnna Smith. I have found an “academic family” in these individ- uals, all of whom study or have collaborated with me on research related to sexual diversity, social justice, or gay-parent families. Without them I would be an island. I am also deeply grateful to my funders, who recognized the potential of this work and provided the resources to help make it happen. Clark Univer- sity, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, and the American Psychological Association all provided funding that enabled me to conduct this particular study on gay fathers’ transition to adoptive >> vii viii << Acknowledgments parenthood. I am fortunate to have received funding from the Williams Insti- tute, the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, the Alfred P. Sloan Founda- tion, the Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues, and the Spencer Foundation to conduct further follow-ups of this group of men. I am also filled with gratitude that I have such a wonderfully supportive group of colleagues at Clark University. Michael Addis, Esteban Cardemil, James Cordova, and Wendy Grolnick all read many drafts of my initial grant proposals on this topic. They—and the psychology department at as a whole—have always been supportive and encouraging of my research on this topic, for which I am so appreciative. My journey in writing this book was deeply enriched by the editorial guidance of Jeanne Marecek and Michelle Fine, the series editors, and Jen- nifer Hammer, my editor at NYU Press. They provided important critical feedback at every stage of the manuscript. I could not have asked for more dedicated and thoughtful editors. Their wise insights and ability to see the bigger picture truly facilitated a finer finished product. I also thank the two external reviewers for engaging with my manuscript so fully and for offering valuable and constructive feedback. I am thankful, beyond words, to the men in this study. They shared their stories, struggles, heartaches, joys, successes, and insights. They let us into their lives and enabled us to learn from them. I am so moved by their will- ingness—and often excitement—to let us share with them the intimate and often challenging experience of transitioning to parenthood. This book is for them, and all the gay fathers who preceded them and who will follow them. They say that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and they are right. I am grateful to my inner circle of family and friends who have helped me to maintain a balance between work and play. I share all my successes with them, because they have been my biggest supporters—in particular, my parents, who taught me that I could achieve anything, and my brothers, who let me believe that. Finally, I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for the love and sup- port of my immediate family. Owen, my husband and partner, has ensured that I have time to write and work, while also filling my life with so much light that I am regularly drawn out of my literal and symbolic “office.” I have him to thank for everything. Alex, my daughter, is the firefly at the center of that light. She has redefined my life and my understanding of what is impor- tant, and for that I am deeply grateful. Introduction Gay Parenthood in Context Carter, a 37-year-old teacher, and Patrick, a 41-year-old professor, lived in a midwestern suburb. They had been together for approximately 10 years at the time they began to consider parenthood. Before meeting Patrick, Carter had been unsure of whether he would be able to become a parent. He felt that he might have “abandoned that dream” when he came out. In contrast, Patrick had never considered not becoming a parent: “As a gay person there are so many things you can’t do and you just have to work around it. It is just one of those things. I knew that if I want[ed] to have a family, that is just what I am going to have to do.” Meeting Patrick and being exposed to other gay parents led Carter to rethink his initial hesitations about gay parenthood. After 10 years together, and a move into a larger house in a family-friendly neigh- borhood, the couple finally felt ready to take the plunge. They had a large, supportive network of family and friends and therefore felt well supported in their quest to become parents. In deciding what route to take to parenthood, both men briefly considered surrogacy but then concluded, largely based on cost, that it did not make >> 1

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When gay couples become parents, they face a host of questions and issues that their straight counterparts may never have to consider. How important is it for each partner to have a biological tie to their child? How will they become parents: will they pursue surrogacy, or will they adopt? Will both
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