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Travel Gahan Wilson's "Paranoid Abroad" Airline Magazine 148 Countries You Cant Visit RMS 'Tyrannic' Souvenir Brochure Amish In Space v HUMOR MAGAZINE 85 CENTS it *» I V/i Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. F/esr e/*tse + » UP ftuR FK/6NQS. 80 PROOF. JOSE CUERVO- TEQUILA. IMPORTED AND BOTTLED BY© 1974 HEUBLEIN, INC., HARTFORD, CONN. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. /Winter Never Sounded Better. "Saints & Sinners" is Johnny Van Morrison, Alien Toussaint and Winter at his hard-driving rock and Edgar Winter/Dan Hartman, it's a rol! best. Johnny Winter album with more With new songs by Johnny, depth and range than ever before. On Columbia Records •» JOHNNY WINTER ON TOUR. 3/1 Jacksonville, Fla. 3/9 Philadelphia, Penna. 3/17 Houston, Tex. 3/26 Denver, Colo. 4/2 Portland. Oreg. 3/2 Miami, Fla. 3/11 Toronto, Can. 3/18 San Antonio, Tex. 3/29 Long Beach, Calif. 4/3 Vancouver. Can. 3/3 St. Petersburg. Fla. 3/13 Chicago, III. 3/22 San Bernardino, Calif. 3/30 San Diego. Calif 4/4 Seattle, Wash. 3/4 Atlanta, Ga. 3/14 St. Louis, Mo. 3/23 San Francisco, Calif. 3/31 Fresno. Calif. 3/7 Washington, D.C. 3/16 Ft, Worth, Tex. 3/25 Salt Lake City, Utah Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. r\ \ April. 1974 Vol. I, No. 49 The Paranoid Abroad, 33 By Gahan Wilson Welcome to Cheeseburg, 39 By Bvuce McCall Further Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World, By F. M. Ayr____________________________ The New York Cabby's Guide to New York, 51 By Gerald Sussman________________ Festivals of the World, 56 By Dean Christopher___ ^_________________ Prairie Central/Panhandle Airlines Magazine, 59 By Christopher Cerf and Henry Beard Amish in Space, 67 By Brian McConnachie_________ License Plates of the U.S.A., 71 Motoring in Riirethenia, 72 By Bruce McCall___________ R.M.S.'Tyrannic' Brochure, 74 By Bruce McCall___________ World Report, 82 By Ed Subitzky____________ 148 Countries You Can't Visit, 91 By Richard Heifer___________ News on the March, 7 >True Facts, 14 , Editorial, 16 Letters, 20 Canadian Corner, 24 JPat Nixon's Hot Flashes, 26 'Funny Pages, 95 ________ NATIONAL LAMPOON® MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a roistered trademark of National Lampoon, Inc. The Lampoon name is used with the permission of the Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Copyright © 1974, National Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. All rights reserved. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in part without written per mission from the publisher. Any similarity lo real people and places in fiction and semifiction is purely coincidental. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly by National Lampoon, Inc.. G35 Madison Avenue. New York. N.Y. 10022. 86.95 paid annual subscription, S11.9G paid two-year subscription, and 5i5.95 paid three-year subscription in territorial U.S. Additional M.OO for Canada and Mexico. S2.00 for foreign. Second-class postage paid at New York, N.Y.. and additional mailing offices. CHANGE OF ADDRESS: Subscriber please Send change of address to Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue. New York. N.Y. 10022. Ho sure to give old address, new address, and zip code for both. Allow six weeks for change. POSTMASTER: Please mail Form .1579 notices lo: Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Mapazine, G35 Madison Avenue. New York, N.Y. ADVERTISING INFORMATION: Contact Advertising Director. National I-ampoon Magazine. f>3r. Madison Avenue. New York, N.Y. 10022. or call <212) 688-4070. EDITORIAL INFORMATION: Contact Submissions Editor, National 1-ampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688-4070. Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and photographs submitted if they are to be returned. Publisher assumes no responsibility for unsolicited material. 2 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Every Pioneer tuner and amp gives you flawless reproduction. These do it for $139.95 each. If you've ever listened to a Pioneer crowded FM dial. Plus it has a 1.5dB So if you've inherited the taste for hi-fi system with an individual tuner capture ratio which is comparable to great music, but not necessarily the and amplifier and thought, "If only units costing a lot more. Other money to go with it, here's the best I could afford ..." features include: FM muting, fixed low priced system in the world of high You can with Pioneer's TX-6200 and variable output level controls, a fidelity. You can't do betterthan the AM-FM stereo tuner and SA-5200 multiplex noise filter. Pioneer is Pioneer TX-6200 and SA-5200. integrated stereo amplifier. A perfectly renowned for the best tuners in the U.S. Pioneer Electronics Corp., matched pair of superior performers world. The TX-6200 proves it for a 75 Oxford Drive, Moonachie, New that won't blow your savings. low $139.95. Jersey 07074. The TX-6200 tuner has advanced Rock Magazine says the SA-5200 West: 13300 S. Estrella, Los Angeles FET/ 1C circuitry. It has outstanding is "The best amplifier for the least 90248 / Midwest: 1500Greenleaf, sensitivity (1,9uV) and selectivity money... a nicely designed amp with Elk Grove Village, 111. 60007 / (60dB) to pick stations from the most excellent sound quality for the price." Canada: S. H. Parker Co. It's also the perfect mate for the TX-6200. The SA-5200 delivers 13+13 watts RMS into a pair of 8 ohm speakers with only 0.8% distortion. And it's versatile enough to handle up to two pairs of speakers, two auxiliary sources, a turntable and a tuner. (The TX-6200, of course.) It, too, is only $139.95. Nobody builds a better amplifier than Pioneer. CM) PIONEER* when you want something better •• VOLUME 33 333 PIONEER STEflEQ AMPUFIEH MOOeU BA-B20D Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Freak Your Friends!! Johnny Winter Saints & Sinners including: SloiiPCounlyfBoneyMoroney/BlindedByLov. Hurlin So Bad/FcedbacV On Highway 101 m AMERICAN GRAFFITI JOHNNY WINTER MICKRONSON STRAWBS on MCA on Columbia on Mainman onA&M nc/i ncn DffUID GOUJIE BRIAN AUGER'S MAGGIE BELL OBLIVION EXPRESS QUEEN OF THE NIGHT DAVID BOWIE BRIAN AUGER WOODY ALLEN MAGGIE BELL on Mainman onRCA on United Artists on Atlantic Seals & Crafts 4 Unborn Child I ncliMiis: VVI nd f linveis Dcserl Rsjpfe Kaclial Bif; Mat NAZARETH CASABLANCA SEALS & CROFTS MISSING WHITE HOUSETAPES on A&M onRCA on Warner Bros. on Banana/Blue Thumb 7^9 The world's largest record department. Come in for our low, low price! Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Introducing (from left to right). Rhonda Stanley and Chuck. They're the winners of Severi n Browne's "The All-American Boyand His Dog" contest. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. We loaded this cannon in I70G to protect our Virgin Islands Rom Since then the Virgin Islands have been under six flags. But we've never fired our cannon* We just kept on making friends with our rum. What's it like to make rum for almost three centuries? Quite an experience! And that experience lets us offer you a smoother rum. You will appreciate a Virgin Islands rum —and we will appreciate an opportunity to share our experience with you. This cannon still in the Chris- tiansted Fort overlooking the harbor Virgin Rum Suite 215 NLP 46 King St. Christiansled. V.I. 00820 in St. Croix, Virgin Islands, was I can't wait to try those Virgin Island rum manufactured in Fritzoe Iron Works drinks. Please rush my Rurri Recipe Booklet. in Norway. It is capable of firing a 24 pound cannon ball three miles. IMPORTED-LOOK ON THE LABEL Address_ Cily___ Stale__ _Z,p_ THE VIRGIN ISLAND RUM EXPERIENCE - SHARE IT V.I. RUMS INCLUDE OLD ST. CROIX, BRUGAL, CRUZAN, OLD MR. BOSTON, BARRISTER, POTT & RON VIRGIN Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. •Pfe, w tl APRIL, 1974 VOLUME 1, NO. XLIX Experts Find Unexplained Gaps in Nixon State of the Union Address: President Makes No Mention of I.T.T., Milk Deal, Wheat Deal, Taxes, Impoundment of Funds, Military Spy Ring, Bizarre Nuclear Alert, Hughes Gifts, Illegal Wiretaps, Missing Tapes, Backdated Deeds White House Hints Rose Mary Woods Used Wrong End of Pencil in Transcribing Draft of Speech, May Have Erased Whole Sections AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE PR0WDEP A GREAT PEAL OF MATERIAL TO THE SPECIAL PR05ECUT0R BULLSHIT continued Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 7 Maggie Bell is a musical legend in England. Now she belongs to America too. In the New York Times, Loraine Alterman wrote of Maggie Bell's performance on her first solo album, "Queen of the Night',"', -She enriches every phrase with true emotion... Miss Bell's voice surges with energy'.' She went on to call Maggie a"genius'.' A legend in England. Maggie Bell has just won the prestigi­ ous Melody Maker Readers' Poll (or the second consecutive year A reviewer in Sounds wrote that he was so moved by his first hearing of Maggie's album he wept. You may have heard Maggie Bell as the Mother on the superstar"Tommy"album,on recent Rod Stewart albums or when she was lead singer of Stone The Crows. Listen to Maggie BeII's"Oueen of the Night!' The special kind of album you haven't heard for a long, long time. Maggie Bell. "Queen of the Night." On Atlantic Records and Tapes. \ Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

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By Gahan Wilson. Welcome to Cheeseburg, 39 .. Robert C. H. Hershey, an em ployee at the . twelve-passenger whirlybird (the lat est word in
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Travel Gahan Wilson's "Paranoid Abroad" Airline Magazine 148 Countries You Cant Visit RMS 'Tyrannic' Souvenir Brochure Amish In Space v HUMOR MAGAZINE 85 CENTS it *» I V/i Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. F/esr e/*tse + » UP ftuR FK/6NQS. 80 PROOF. JOSE CUERVO- TEQUILA. IMPORTED AND BOTTLED BY© 1974 HEUBLEIN, INC., HARTFORD, CONN. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. /Winter Never Sounded Better. "Saints & Sinners" is Johnny Van Morrison, Alien Toussaint and Winter at his hard-driving rock and Edgar Winter/Dan Hartman, it's a rol! best. Johnny Winter album with more With new songs by Johnny, depth and range than ever before. On Columbia Records •» JOHNNY WINTER ON TOUR. 3/1 Jacksonville, Fla. 3/9 Philadelphia, Penna. 3/17 Houston, Tex. 3/26 Denver, Colo. 4/2 Portland. Oreg. 3/2 Miami, Fla. 3/11 Toronto, Can. 3/18 San Antonio, Tex. 3/29 Long Beach, Calif. 4/3 Vancouver. Can. 3/3 St. Petersburg. Fla. 3/13 Chicago, III. 3/22 San Bernardino, Calif. 3/30 San Diego. Calif 4/4 Seattle, Wash. 3/4 Atlanta, Ga. 3/14 St. Louis, Mo. 3/23 San Francisco, Calif. 3/31 Fresno. Calif. 3/7 Washington, D.C. 3/16 Ft, Worth, Tex. 3/25 Salt Lake City, Utah Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. r\ \ April. 1974 Vol. I, No. 49 The Paranoid Abroad, 33 By Gahan Wilson Welcome to Cheeseburg, 39 By Bvuce McCall Further Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World, By F. M. Ayr____________________________ The New York Cabby's Guide to New York, 51 By Gerald Sussman________________ Festivals of the World, 56 By Dean Christopher___ ^_________________ Prairie Central/Panhandle Airlines Magazine, 59 By Christopher Cerf and Henry Beard Amish in Space, 67 By Brian McConnachie_________ License Plates of the U.S.A., 71 Motoring in Riirethenia, 72 By Bruce McCall___________ R.M.S.'Tyrannic' Brochure, 74 By Bruce McCall___________ World Report, 82 By Ed Subitzky____________ 148 Countries You Can't Visit, 91 By Richard Heifer___________ News on the March, 7 >True Facts, 14 , Editorial, 16 Letters, 20 Canadian Corner, 24 JPat Nixon's Hot Flashes, 26 'Funny Pages, 95 ________ NATIONAL LAMPOON® MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a roistered trademark of National Lampoon, Inc. The Lampoon name is used with the permission of the Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Copyright © 1974, National Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. All rights reserved. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in part without written per mission from the publisher. Any similarity lo real people and places in fiction and semifiction is purely coincidental. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly by National Lampoon, Inc.. G35 Madison Avenue. New York. N.Y. 10022. 86.95 paid annual subscription, S11.9G paid two-year subscription, and 5i5.95 paid three-year subscription in territorial U.S. Additional M.OO for Canada and Mexico. S2.00 for foreign. Second-class postage paid at New York, N.Y.. and additional mailing offices. CHANGE OF ADDRESS: Subscriber please Send change of address to Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue. New York. N.Y. 10022. Ho sure to give old address, new address, and zip code for both. Allow six weeks for change. POSTMASTER: Please mail Form .1579 notices lo: Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Mapazine, G35 Madison Avenue. New York, N.Y. ADVERTISING INFORMATION: Contact Advertising Director. National I-ampoon Magazine. f>3r. Madison Avenue. New York, N.Y. 10022. or call <212) 688-4070. EDITORIAL INFORMATION: Contact Submissions Editor, National 1-ampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688-4070. Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and photographs submitted if they are to be returned. Publisher assumes no responsibility for unsolicited material. 2 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Every Pioneer tuner and amp gives you flawless reproduction. These do it for $139.95 each. If you've ever listened to a Pioneer crowded FM dial. Plus it has a 1.5dB So if you've inherited the taste for hi-fi system with an individual tuner capture ratio which is comparable to great music, but not necessarily the and amplifier and thought, "If only units costing a lot more. Other money to go with it, here's the best I could afford ..." features include: FM muting, fixed low priced system in the world of high You can with Pioneer's TX-6200 and variable output level controls, a fidelity. You can't do betterthan the AM-FM stereo tuner and SA-5200 multiplex noise filter. Pioneer is Pioneer TX-6200 and SA-5200. integrated stereo amplifier. A perfectly renowned for the best tuners in the U.S. Pioneer Electronics Corp., matched pair of superior performers world. The TX-6200 proves it for a 75 Oxford Drive, Moonachie, New that won't blow your savings. low $139.95. Jersey 07074. The TX-6200 tuner has advanced Rock Magazine says the SA-5200 West: 13300 S. Estrella, Los Angeles FET/ 1C circuitry. It has outstanding is "The best amplifier for the least 90248 / Midwest: 1500Greenleaf, sensitivity (1,9uV) and selectivity money... a nicely designed amp with Elk Grove Village, 111. 60007 / (60dB) to pick stations from the most excellent sound quality for the price." Canada: S. H. Parker Co. It's also the perfect mate for the TX-6200. The SA-5200 delivers 13+13 watts RMS into a pair of 8 ohm speakers with only 0.8% distortion. And it's versatile enough to handle up to two pairs of speakers, two auxiliary sources, a turntable and a tuner. (The TX-6200, of course.) It, too, is only $139.95. Nobody builds a better amplifier than Pioneer. CM) PIONEER* when you want something better •• VOLUME 33 333 PIONEER STEflEQ AMPUFIEH MOOeU BA-B20D Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Freak Your Friends!! Johnny Winter Saints & Sinners including: SloiiPCounlyfBoneyMoroney/BlindedByLov. Hurlin So Bad/FcedbacV On Highway 101 m AMERICAN GRAFFITI JOHNNY WINTER MICKRONSON STRAWBS on MCA on Columbia on Mainman onA&M nc/i ncn DffUID GOUJIE BRIAN AUGER'S MAGGIE BELL OBLIVION EXPRESS QUEEN OF THE NIGHT DAVID BOWIE BRIAN AUGER WOODY ALLEN MAGGIE BELL on Mainman onRCA on United Artists on Atlantic Seals & Crafts 4 Unborn Child I ncliMiis: VVI nd f linveis Dcserl Rsjpfe Kaclial Bif; Mat NAZARETH CASABLANCA SEALS & CROFTS MISSING WHITE HOUSETAPES on A&M onRCA on Warner Bros. on Banana/Blue Thumb 7^9 The world's largest record department. Come in for our low, low price! Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Introducing (from left to right). Rhonda Stanley and Chuck. They're the winners of Severi n Browne's "The All-American Boyand His Dog" contest. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. We loaded this cannon in I70G to protect our Virgin Islands Rom Since then the Virgin Islands have been under six flags. But we've never fired our cannon* We just kept on making friends with our rum. What's it like to make rum for almost three centuries? Quite an experience! And that experience lets us offer you a smoother rum. You will appreciate a Virgin Islands rum —and we will appreciate an opportunity to share our experience with you. This cannon still in the Chris- tiansted Fort overlooking the harbor Virgin Rum Suite 215 NLP 46 King St. Christiansled. V.I. 00820 in St. Croix, Virgin Islands, was I can't wait to try those Virgin Island rum manufactured in Fritzoe Iron Works drinks. Please rush my Rurri Recipe Booklet. in Norway. It is capable of firing a 24 pound cannon ball three miles. IMPORTED-LOOK ON THE LABEL Address_ Cily___ Stale__ _Z,p_ THE VIRGIN ISLAND RUM EXPERIENCE - SHARE IT V.I. RUMS INCLUDE OLD ST. CROIX, BRUGAL, CRUZAN, OLD MR. BOSTON, BARRISTER, POTT & RON VIRGIN Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. •Pfe, w tl APRIL, 1974 VOLUME 1, NO. XLIX Experts Find Unexplained Gaps in Nixon State of the Union Address: President Makes No Mention of I.T.T., Milk Deal, Wheat Deal, Taxes, Impoundment of Funds, Military Spy Ring, Bizarre Nuclear Alert, Hughes Gifts, Illegal Wiretaps, Missing Tapes, Backdated Deeds White House Hints Rose Mary Woods Used Wrong End of Pencil in Transcribing Draft of Speech, May Have Erased Whole Sections AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE PR0WDEP A GREAT PEAL OF MATERIAL TO THE SPECIAL PR05ECUT0R BULLSHIT continued Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 7 Maggie Bell is a musical legend in England. Now she belongs to America too. In the New York Times, Loraine Alterman wrote of Maggie Bell's performance on her first solo album, "Queen of the Night',"', -She enriches every phrase with true emotion... Miss Bell's voice surges with energy'.' She went on to call Maggie a"genius'.' A legend in England. Maggie Bell has just won the prestigi­ ous Melody Maker Readers' Poll (or the second consecutive year A reviewer in Sounds wrote that he was so moved by his first hearing of Maggie's album he wept. You may have heard Maggie Bell as the Mother on the superstar"Tommy"album,on recent Rod Stewart albums or when she was lead singer of Stone The Crows. Listen to Maggie BeII's"Oueen of the Night!' The special kind of album you haven't heard for a long, long time. Maggie Bell. "Queen of the Night." On Atlantic Records and Tapes. \ Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Description:
By Gahan Wilson. Welcome to Cheeseburg, 39 .. Robert C. H. Hershey, an em ployee at the . twelve-passenger whirlybird (the lat est word in
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