Foster, Alan Dean - Smart Dragons, Foolish Elves

636 Pages·2016·1.18 MB·English

by  Foster Alan Dean

SMART DRAGONS, FOOLISH ELVES

An Ace Book / published by arrangement with the editors

PRINTING HISTORY

Ace edition / April 1991

All rights reserved.

Copyright © 1991 by Alan Dean Foster and Martin Harry Greenberg.
Cover art by Robert Grace.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, by mimeograph or any
other means, without permission.
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New York, NY 10016.

ISBN: 0-441-18481-2

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Avenue, New York, New York 10016.
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Communications, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
10 987654321

The editors gratefully acknowledge permission to reprint the following material:

"As Is" by Robert Silverberg, copyright © 1968 by Agberg, Ltd.
Reprinted by permission of the author.

"The Same to You Doubled" by Robert Sheckley, copyright ©
1971 by Robert Sheckley. Reprinted by permission of the author.

"The Egg of the Glak" by Harvey Jacobs, copyright © 1960 by Mercury Press,
Inc.; copyright © 1969 by Harvey Jacobs.
Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Beibermann's Soul" by Mike Resnick, copyright © 1988 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Thimgs" by Theodore R. Cogswell, copyright © 1958 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Reprinted by permission of the Estate of Theodore R. Cogswell.

"Ms. Lipshutz and the Goblin" by Marvin Kaye, copyright ©
1979, 1981 by Marvin Kaye. Reprinted by permission of the author.
1979, 1981 by Marvin Kaye. Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Unfemo" by George Alee Effinger, copyright © 1985 by Davis Publications,
Inc. Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Unicorn Variations" by Roger Zeiazny, copyright © 1982 by the Amber
Corporation. Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Yes Sir That's My" by Daniel P. Dem, copyright © 1978 by Robert Silverberg.
Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Please Stand By" by Ron Goutart, copyright © 1961 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Bottle Party" by John Collier, copyright © 1939 by John Collier; renewed ©
1967 by John Collier. Reprinted by permission of Harold Matson Co., Inc.

"My Mother Was a Witch" by William Tenn, copyright © 1966 by William
Tenn. Reprinted by permission of Virginia Kidd, Literary Agent.

"Djinn, No Chaser" by Harlan Ellison, copyright © 1982 by The Kilimanjaro
Corporation. Reprinted with permission of, and by arrangement with, the Author
and the Author's agent, Richard Curtis Associates, Inc., New York. All rights
reserved.

"Up the Wall" by Esther Friesner, copyright © 1990 by Davis Publications, Inc.
Reprinted by permission of the author.
Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Trouble With Water" by Horace L. Gold, copyright 1939 by Street & Smith
Publications, Inc.; renewed © 1967. Reprinted by arrangement with Forrest J.
Ackerman, 2495 Glendower Avenue, Hollywood, CA 90027.

"Savage Breasts" by Nina Kiriki Hoffman, copyright © 1988 by Nina Kiriki
Hoffman. Reprinted by permission of the author.

"Or the Grasses Grow" by Avram Davidson, copyright © 1958 by Mercury
Press, Inc.; renewed copyright © 1986 by Avram Davidson. Reprinted by
permission of the author and his agent, Richard D. Grant. First appeared in The
Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction.

"Snulbug" by Anthony Boucher, copyright 1941 by Street & Smith Publications,
Inc.; renewed © 1969. Reprinted by permission of Curtis Brown, Ltd.

Introduction and Afterword by Alan Dean Foster, copyright ©
1991 by Alan Dean Foster. Used by arrangement with the author.

Contents

INTRODUCTION, Alan Dean Foster ix
As Is, Robert Silverberg 7
The Same to You Doubled, Robert Sheckley 21
The Same to You Doubled, Robert Sheckley 21

The Egg of the Glak, Harvey Jacobs 33

Beibermann's Soul, Mike Resnick 81

Thimgs, Theodore R. Cqgswell 87
Ms. Lipshutz and the Goblin, Marvin Kaye 103

Unferno, George Alee Effinger ill
Unicorn Variations, Roger Zeiazny 137

Yes Sir That's My, Daniel P. Dem 166

Please Stand By, Ron Goulart 179

Bottle Party, John Collier 205

My Mother Was a Witch, William Tenn 215

Djinn, No Chaser, Harlan Ellison 223
Up the Wall, Esther M. Friesner 246

Trouble With Water, Horace L. Gold Savage Breasts, Nina Kiriki Hoffman Or
the Grasses Grow, Avram Davidson Snulbug, Anthony Boucher
AFTERWORD, Alan Dean Foster
276
301
310
321
340
Introduction

HUMOR AND FANTASY have had a long and happy marriage.
Every society has felt the need now and then to leaven heavy doses of religion
and mythology with laughter, lest the populace feel too oppressed by the gods.
Not only did healthy injections of humor help to lighten the life loads of
otherwise impoverished peoples, it served to humanize the vast unknowables of
existence. Believing that Zeus, or Odin, or Shiva could find themselves on the
cosmic whoopee cushion every now and then just like Uncle Cheng probably
made the night seem a little less dark, the vastness of space and time a smidgen
less overbearing.

So the people told funny stories; sometimes respectfully, sometimes not. Clearly
the gods had a sense of humor, because including them in amusing tales did not
result in imminent destruction and devastation. No matter how serious the
religion or mythology, some irreverent soul always found room for a good laugh.

Today only the parameters have changed. The universe is better understood and
therefore less threatening, but we still find space in religion for humor. The
mythologies are different, though. The old gods repose comfortably in the
Valhalla Retirement Home, having been replaced by computers, satellite
communications, and psychoanalysis. Science, not mythology, rules the day.

Yet much of the old hangs around, having slipped comfortably into new clothes.
Human concerns are still
ix

x Alan Dean Foster
x Alan Dean Foster
universal. Many of the stories in this collection would make sense to readers of a
hundred or even a thousand years ago.
It would do our ancestors good to know that their offspring can still laugh and
smile at themselves.

Fantasy can be much more than escapism. Like the Arabian Nights, the
imaginative tales in this collection often have points to make about the human
condition: about love and truth, greed and lust, children and reality, what is
really important in life and what is peripheral or overrated. The best stories are
the ones that can make us think as well as smile. That's as true of fantasy fiction
as it is of stand-up humor.

Fantasy is a tool that enables the writer to go beyond the constraints of everyday
life to make a point. The vehicle can be ethnic mythology, puberty, Roman
history, love, beer, a grand quest or a tiny afterthought. The humor can be
contained in a quick punchline or an elaborate buildup. A story can make us
laugh out loud or simply smile knowingly. Humor can be light, dark, and every
shade in between, depending on what setting the toaster has been left on.

I like to believe that in addition to making us laugh or smile, each of the stories
in this collection has something to say to us. Laughter lingers longest when it
also makes a point. We usually remember the stories that cut deeper than those
that merely anesthetize.

Some of the authors in this collection are noted for their humorous fiction. Most
are not. Quite the contrary, they are famed for the dark and serious, or expansive
and adventur-ous, or the biting, or the poetical. But not humor. Not for making
the reader grin and chuckle. Those are the ones I particularly prize.
Because there's laughter in all of us, even in long-faced, somber authors charged
with explaining the Meaning of It All to desperate readers. Sometimes it's a little
slow manifesting itself, is all. The reason is that genuinely