Finian McDonald File, part 2

443 Pages·2015·17.65 MB·English

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28February 1997
Dear Finian:
After giving a lot oftliought to your request to go to
I've decided to again €ncourage you to go even though you have rescinded your request after my
earlier permission. In ruminating over this the past couple of days, I've concluded that the primary
issue for me had been that of simplicity. It was not the only reason since I sensed there was
something more to this than simplicity. I just had a difficult time figuring out the other reasons. I
ârn not convinced that an international conventidn for stutterers is essential to you either personally
or professionally. As I pointed out to you, there are ways of getting care and support in regard to
your stuttering locally. However, after grinding away at this for the past couple of days, I've come
to see that there is more to your request than simply going to tfie convention. Your anger and
frustration over my hesitancy with this request I think points to something more serious. It is that
which I had difficuþ placing my finger on until now.
And so, at least in my judgement, the issue is not just simplicity. Your becoming so angry, so
indignant over this, as well as your repeated attempts to go to this convention over the last few
years, tells me how important your going there is to you. It almost gives the appearance of an
obsession. Yow persistence with this request surpâsses any other that has been brought to me in my
tenure as prior. Others would have dropped it and moved on. Issues of monastic obedience,
humility and simpiicity aside for now, after our conversations tlis week it is apparent to me that
yow request has more to do with your striking out on your own, seekjng freedom from the stricfi.¡res
flrat have been imposed on you these past years, than what it has to do with simplicity, You are
getting bored with recovery, impatient with the process, and angry at superiors who expect you to
toll the line; superiors who, as you indicated, you feel don't trust you.
At leæt this is what I think is going on. What is odd is that had you asked to go to San Francisco on
vacation to see friends and, while you w€re at it, to take part in the stutterer's convention, I would
not have had aproblem with your going. But seeing your friends in San Francisco was always
incidental to yoü request, However, going on a vacation with that purpose in mind would have
been a legitimate and fair request. It is not somethjng that would be allowed every year, but the
occasional visit to see good friends is appropriate. And ifyou want to spend your vacation, in part,
taking in a convention ofthis sort, it is your business. You will recall that I indicated to you in the
past it was not the weekend after the convention when you would see friends that I had problems
with, any more than I did when you went to Saint Luke's and took the excursion to New York to
see your ftiends there. That is not the problem. I was happy to see you hæpy. I shouldn't have to
point out to you that allowing permission to go to New York required an element of trust, as you
put it. But you don't appear to recognize. that now. I've been generous with permissions to you in
the past in this regard, both in the case of New York and in your excursions to the Cities, If you set
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aside your anger, you would see this is true. So the accusation of mistrust is misplaced - at least in
this regard.
Finian, I want to point out to you that in the three years that you have made the requests to go to the
convention, I have never said you could not go. For reasons evidently based in pride you would
always come back to me and rescind the request. Also, f've never asked you or expected you to
'kiss ass" as you indicated the other day. I'm surprised you thought that is what was going on, I
attribute the statement to your anger. Apparently you wanted perrnission from your superior without
him reflecting at all on the request. If I'm not to reflect on it then why should we even bother with
permissions or obedience in monastic life?l Finian, one of the primary reasons for joining a
monastery is to allow confreres to help each other in their pursuit of the monastic goal -- the
kingdom of God, I assume that is partly what you are about here. Obedience is one of the monlc's
discþlines. It is a discþline that is intended to aid in that goal. Recogrrizrngthat \rye can all find
ourselves straying from the path that leads to that goal, we have aRule which lends some discipline
to our lives, and we have an abbot, who appoints officials, to help guide the monks to their goal.
Does that mean \rye don't trust each other? I wouldn't want to put it that way. It sounds sinister. I
simply beiieve we do better at achieving our goal with the help of others. Why else join a
monastery? If you want to be yow oriln man, why are you here?
As I was saying, I am entitled to reflect upon requests that are made to me. You will recall that three
years ago when you first brought your request to me, since I was having a difficult time evaluating
the request, I asked you to provide me with input from your abbey support group. When I made that
suggestion to you then, you were insulted because you said the request to go to a stutterer's
convention had nothing to do with your addiction recovery. It was totaliy unrelated. The other day
when I suggested that perhaps the stuttering was not tied to your recovery! as you had once seemed
to indicate, you were extemely offended and allbut accused me of being an idiot for thinking the
tïr'o ïvere umelated. I'm not a psychologist, Finian, and I'm not tying to be one, I'm simply nying
to do a difficult job with some semblance of dignity. My lack of clarity in regard to the stuttering
issue and your recovêry has something to do with the incongruent responses I've received from you.
This has not helped in my trying to figure out just what this request is really all about.
Furthermore, last summer, Saint Luke's Institute reported in its evaluation of you that you said that
you had been denied earlier requests to go to the convention. If you told them that, it was not true.
As I pointed out above, in the past, what happened is that you failed to follow through on my
instructions to you of checking the request out with yow support group. As I stated above, in each
Gase you r€scinded the request instead of following through with my instruction. I will admit to my
hesitancy in regard to the request, but I never denied you permission to go. I am not upset by this
misrepresentation. I just want to set the record shaight.
Finian, I can understand your wanting your recovery behind you. However, I think you are angry
and frustrated with a situation for which you need to take responsibility. Your history of addictive
behaviors is exacting a price from you. The other day you challenged me to come up with an
answer as to how much time I (read "superiors" andlor "community') would require to begin to
again fully trust you. Quite frankly, I believe we have begun to place trust in you already. This
should be apparent to you. Your position as personnel liaison is one significant example of that
since it is a position of some conf dence. Also, the frequent pennissions that you have been granted
in the past should also be proof of trust. However, in regard to frrll trust, I suspect we will require at
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ieast as much time as you will require to trust fully in yourself. You adrnitted to me on lVednesday
that you did not entirely trust yourself in regard to sexual addiction. And you admitted righttully
that addiction is something that an addict will always have to be on guard against, sexual or
otherwise. As a superior, I am very much aware of that, too. You have indicated several times that
you have to live in a world where you are always waiting for the other "shoe to drop," referring to
the possibility of someone(s) coming forward to make an allegation(s) against you. I suspect that as
long as that shoe is waiting to drop for you, it is also waiting to drop for the community as we1l.
This could possibly mean that the issue will never be behind you or us. Perhaps yoìr greatest effort,
beyond dealing with the addictions themselves, will now have to be to iearn to live with this
situation. I sincerely feel bad about that but it is probably the reality of your circumstance.
Somehow, related to all of this is the whole busíness of the charge card. I had no problem with your
applying for a charge card. But when you asked me about it I had to let you know that you were to
do it according to our policy and that you, like everyone elsq would require the abbot's permission.
You initially didn't like hearing that from me and, ftrthermore, you were upset and indignant when
the abbot told you he would take the issue of your having a card up with his staff Given that
everyone is supposed to get the abbot's approval for a corporate charge card, it would seem to
indicate that he wishes to handle this on a person by person basis, recognizing that everyone is
different arid has his own histories that need to be taken into consideration. That goes for you as
well as for me and everyone else. It is fair and it is responsible for him to do so, However, having to
subject ourselves to suchprocedures as this, requires of all of us obedience and humility - not,only
of addicts, but of all of us. Furthermore, such occrurences are not peculiar to monasteries, The
world beyond the pine curtain operates in much the same way. Ask most any employee or spouse
and they will be able to respond that they too are expected to be accountable to someone. Finian,
again, I wonder if you aren't confusing the issue of trust with that of obedience and the nahre of
monastic life. I wonder if you are not also seeing our typical monastic life here in the monastery
through the cloudy lens of one skuggling to be finished with recovery and attaining independence.
Finian, it seems you have moved to another level of issues in your recovery, At least this is my
nonprofessional appraisal. You are frustated, resentful and angry. You gave the appearance this
week to be biting at the bit to be finished with yow recovery. You appeared tired of it. I can
understand that and I sympathize with you in that regard. I know it must be difficult and having
superiors with only a limited understanding of the issues only complicates things. Irealize that all
too well. But this is all something you need to leam to deal with as a part of the reality that you are
living in,
In closing, I again want you to note that you dq have permission to go to the convention this year. I
gave you permission the other day and I repeat it here. One reason for granting the permission is
that it has become all to clear to me that you have a lot of "unpacking" to be doing in regard to your
request. I am hopeful that your simply going to the convention might help you deal with some of
this unpacking.
Peace,
Geoffrey, OSB
Prior
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