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Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce, 3rd Edition PDF

467 Pages·2010·2.95 MB·English
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Preview Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce, 3rd Edition

WITH A NEW INSTRUCTIONAL DVD FOR COUPLES B M F ig h t i ng l S u t a a r Since 1994, the best-selling classic Fighting for Your Marriage has been the go-to M n k reference for couples that want to enhance their marriage and prevent divorce. B l M This thoroughly revised and updated third edition (which contains a new instruc- e e tional DVD for couples) is based on the widely acclaimed PREP (Prevention and r a for y Relationship Enhancement Program) approach. Groundbreaking studies have g n Your found that couples who use the strategies of this proven approach are able to handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds M a r r i age of breaking up. The authors have included a wealth of proven, research-based techniques and danodw np-letoa-seuarert hin g tuhiedira nlocneg f-otre ramll creoluaptiloenss whihpos .seek to promote greater character You for F r Praise for Fighting for Your Marriage M i “A divorce prevention society should be formed to place a copy of this book A DELUXE REVISED EDITION of t he CLASSIC BEST SELLER for in every hotel room in this country. Every wife or husband struggling to stay g ENHANCING MARRIAGE and PREVENTING DIVORCE married, especially happily married, should read this book.” a —Maggie gallagher, coauthor, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People H Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially r “I love this book! If you want to be happily, successfully married, buy it, master t it, and it’s all you’ll ever need. While you’re at it, buy a copy for every couple r you love. You won’t need one for your kids, they’ll learn by watching you.” —Diane Sollee, founder and director, Coalition for Marriage, Family and i i Couples Education n a The auThorS Howard J. MarkMan, Ph.d., is professor of psychology and co- g g director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Den- ver. Scott M. Stanley, Ph.d., is codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. SuSan l. BluMBerg, e Ph.d., is director of Interpersonal Communication Options in Denver, CO. RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGE & FAMILY $19.95 u.S. | $23.95 Canada www.josseybass.com HOWARD J. MARKMAN • SCOTT M. STANLEY Cover illustration by Jessica Hische SUSAN L. BLUMBERG Fighting for Your Marriage Fighting for Your Marriage A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best Seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce third edition Howard J. Markman Scott M. Stanley Susan L. Blumberg Copyright © 2010 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved. Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifi cally disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fi tness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profi t or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002. Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Markman, Howard, date. Fighting for your marriage : a deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce / Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg. – 3rd ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-470-48591-0 (pbk.) 1. Marriage. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Interpersonal communication. I. Stanley, Scott, date. II. Blumberg, Susan L., date. III. Title. HQ734.M347 2010 646.7′8–dc22 2009051934 Printed in the United States of America third edition PB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction 1 part one Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love 17 1. Five Keys for a Great Relationship: PREP in a Nutshell 19 2. Destructive Patterns: Signs of Danger Ahead 37 3. Changing Roles, Changing Rules: Men and Women in Confl ict 64 part two Teaming Up to Handle Confl ict 87 4. When What You Heard Isn’t What I Said: Understanding Filters in Communication 89 5. Talking Safely Without Fighting: The Speaker Listener Technique 106 6. Controlling the Home Fires: Handling Issues and Events Well 134 7. New Perspectives on Problems and Problem Solving 160 8. Keeping Confl ict Under Control: Ground Rules for a Great Relationship 192 v vi CONTENTS part three Enjoying Each Other 215 9. Safe Harbor: Preserving and Protecting Friendship 217 10. Being There: Supporting One Another in Life 232 11. Playing Together: How to Succeed in Fun Without Really Trying 255 12. Sense and Sensuality: Enhancing and Protecting Your Sex Life 270 13. Sacred Places: Core Beliefs and Spiritual Intimacy 294 part four Staying the Course 319 14. Why You Can’t Always Get What You Want: Unraveling the Mysteries of Expectations 321 15. Forgiveness: Restoring Hope 343 16. Sticking, Stuck, or Stopped: On the Path to Commitment 372 17. Moving Forward 403 Getting More Help 409 Resources and Training 413 References 417 About the Authors 427 Index 429 To Mom and Dad: Your support, caring, love, and fi fty - eight - plus years of marriage (and having all my books in your house!) have been an inspiration to me To Mat and Leah: You two have been the centerpiece of my life, and I am so proud of you both To Marcie: Our love, fun, laughter, and friendship have enhanced all aspects of my life— I love our relationship — HJM To Nancy, for your love and kindness through the years entwined To Kyle and Luke, for the sheer joy you bring To Mom and Dad, for believing in me, always — SMS To my parents, for their love, attention, and support To Aviva and Natan for the joy they bring me To Lewis, who makes everything possible — SLB

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