Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce, 3rd Edition

467 Pages·2010·2.95 MB·English

by  Howard J. Markman

WITH A NEW INSTRUCTIONAL DVD FOR COUPLES

B M F ig h t i ng

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Since 1994, the best-selling classic Fighting for Your Marriage has been the go-to M
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reference for couples that want to enhance their marriage and prevent divorce.
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This thoroughly revised and updated third edition (which contains a new instruc-
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tional DVD for couples) is based on the widely acclaimed PREP (Prevention and r a for
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Relationship Enhancement Program) approach. Groundbreaking studies have g n Your
found that couples who use the strategies of this proven approach are able to

handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds
M a r r i age
of breaking up.
The authors have included a wealth of proven, research-based techniques and
danodw np-letoa-seuarert hin g tuhiedira nlocneg f-otre ramll creoluaptiloenss whihpos .seek to promote greater character You for F
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Praise for Fighting for Your Marriage M
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“A divorce prevention society should be formed to place a copy of this book A DELUXE REVISED EDITION of t he CLASSIC BEST SELLER for
in every hotel room in this country. Every wife or husband struggling to stay g
ENHANCING MARRIAGE and PREVENTING DIVORCE
married, especially happily married, should read this book.” a
—Maggie gallagher, coauthor, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People
H
Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially
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“I love this book! If you want to be happily, successfully married, buy it, master
t
it, and it’s all you’ll ever need. While you’re at it, buy a copy for every couple
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you love. You won’t need one for your kids, they’ll learn by watching you.”
—Diane Sollee, founder and director, Coalition for Marriage, Family and i
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Couples Education
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The auThorS
Howard J. MarkMan, Ph.d., is professor of psychology and co- g
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director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Den-
ver. Scott M. Stanley, Ph.d., is codirector of the Center for Marital
and Family Studies at the University of Denver. SuSan l. BluMBerg, e
Ph.d., is director of Interpersonal Communication Options in Denver, CO.
RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGE & FAMILY
$19.95 u.S. | $23.95 Canada
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HOWARD J. MARKMAN • SCOTT M. STANLEY
Cover illustration by Jessica Hische
SUSAN L. BLUMBERG

Fighting for
Your Marriage

Fighting for
Your Marriage
A Deluxe Revised Edition of
the Classic Best Seller for
Enhancing Marriage and
Preventing Divorce
third edition
Howard J. Markman
Scott M. Stanley
Susan L. Blumberg
Copyright © 2010 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Markman, Howard, date.
Fighting for your marriage : a deluxe revised edition of the classic best seller for
enhancing marriage and preventing divorce / Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley,
Susan L. Blumberg. – 3rd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-470-48591-0 (pbk.)
1. Marriage. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Interpersonal
communication. I. Stanley, Scott, date. II. Blumberg, Susan L., date. III. Title.
HQ734.M347 2010
646.7′8–dc22
2009051934
Printed in the United States of America
third edition
PB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Contents
Acknowledgments ix
Introduction 1
part one
Understanding the Risks on the Road to
Lasting Love 17
1. Five Keys for a Great Relationship: PREP in a
Nutshell 19
2. Destructive Patterns: Signs of Danger Ahead 37
3. Changing Roles, Changing Rules: Men and Women
in Confl ict 64
part two
Teaming Up to Handle Confl ict 87
4. When What You Heard Isn’t What I Said:
Understanding Filters in Communication 89
5. Talking Safely Without Fighting: The Speaker
Listener Technique 106
6. Controlling the Home Fires: Handling Issues and
Events Well 134
7. New Perspectives on Problems and Problem
Solving 160
8. Keeping Confl ict Under Control: Ground Rules for a
Great Relationship 192
v
vi CONTENTS
part three
Enjoying Each Other 215
9. Safe Harbor: Preserving and Protecting
Friendship 217
10. Being There: Supporting One Another in Life 232
11. Playing Together: How to Succeed in Fun Without
Really Trying 255
12. Sense and Sensuality: Enhancing and Protecting Your
Sex Life 270
13. Sacred Places: Core Beliefs and Spiritual
Intimacy 294
part four
Staying the Course 319
14. Why You Can’t Always Get What You Want:
Unraveling the Mysteries of Expectations 321
15. Forgiveness: Restoring Hope 343
16. Sticking, Stuck, or Stopped: On the Path to
Commitment 372
17. Moving Forward 403
Getting More Help 409
Resources and Training 413
References 417
About the Authors 427
Index 429
To Mom and Dad: Your support, caring, love, and fi fty - eight - plus
years of marriage (and having all my books in your house!) have been
an inspiration to me
To Mat and Leah: You two have been the centerpiece of my life,
and I am so proud of you both
To Marcie: Our love, fun, laughter, and friendship have enhanced
all aspects of my life— I love our relationship
— HJM
To Nancy, for your love and kindness through the years entwined
To Kyle and Luke, for the sheer joy you bring
To Mom and Dad, for believing in me, always
— SMS
To my parents, for their love, attention, and support
To Aviva and Natan for the joy they bring me
To Lewis, who makes everything possible
— SLB