Fat Is a Family Affair

338 Pages·1996·0.79 MB·English

by  Judi Hollis

title: Fat Is a Family Affair
author: Hollis, Judi.
publisher: Hazelden Publishing
isbn10 | asin: 0894862634
print isbn13: 9780894862632
ebook isbn13: 9780585316666
language: English
Eating disorders, Codependency, Obesity--
subject
Psychological aspects.
publication date: 1985
lcc: RC552.E18H65 1985eb
ddc: 616.85/26
Eating disorders, Codependency, Obesity--
subject:
Psychological aspects.
Page iii
Fat Is a Family Affair
Judi Hollis, Ph.D.
Page iv
First published March, 1985.
Copyright © 1985, Judi Hollis, Ph.D.
All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced
in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.
ISBN: 0-89486-263-4
Printed in the United States of America.
Page v
To Hope
Page vi
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. . . .
Desiderata
Page vii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Yves Luc Bolomet is my editor, companion, best friend and seer, but
most of all, he's the "Prince Charming" I was not ready for until I
grew up. He's taught me equality, respect, and how to love. As
professional mentors, William Ofman, Ph.D. taught me the "good
faith" of honest relating, while Walter Kemplar, M.D. showed me how
to move whole families along the journey to intimacy, and Bill Rader,
M.D., throughout our long and varied association, encouraged the
wisdom of "trusting your instincts."
My deepest appreciation and joy go to the thousands of patients and
counselors who have shared the hope of their recoveries. It is a
humbling privilege that they allow me into their lives. Thanks to my
dad, Gilbert Stockman, who expected me to be a full person, and my
mother, Rebecca Stockman, who showed me the strength I'd need.
Special thanks go to Elaine Goodrich who listened to my inner voice
until I could hear it myself. Thank God for the Twelve Steps.
Page ix
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction xi
The Weigh In
Chapter 1. Relate to Recover 3
Chapter 2. Who's an E-D? 19
Chapter 3. Who's a Codependent? 38
Chapter 4. Why Are We Together? 55
The Weigh Out
Chapter 5. Accept That It's Difficult 77
Chapter 6. Extend the Family System 106
Chapter 7. No to Food is Yes to Life 127
Chapter 8. Fear of Flying 156
Page xi
INTRODUCTION
"We're as fat as we are dishonest"
Fat is a family affair, because we've all been living with a dishonest
person who sought to survive by living a lie. To win love and
admiration, we acquired an "as if" personality, becoming what others
needed and losing a sense of inner self. When that true person cried
out to be heard, we drowned it out with food. Recovery from an eating
disorder requires a precious journey to find the real self. Most of us
are unable to find the way on our own because we wear blinders when
forks loom up in the path. It is easier to trudge the well-beaten, painful
path than to risk the unknown.
Loved ones have helped us live the lie as they live out their own. As
long as we keep eating, we can ignore internal messages that say,
"Something is wrong with my life." I was a very successful therapist
at 222 pounds, and had no idea that anything about my lifestyle was at
all related to the poundage I'd amassed. I actually thought I was a
nearly perfect human beingmy only minor flaw was the fat. If I'd lose
weight, I'd be perfect and so would my life. I'd lost thousands of
pounds before, as a college freshman on pills, then each of the nine
times at Weight Watchers, as well as countless other failed attempts.
Each time, despite a gorgeous body, nothing had changed in my
personality. I still felt inadequate despite a false bravado, and I still
never felt deserving of the good life, and couldn't endure the stress of
success. Slowly the weight crept back.
Page xii
This time has been different. I've not only kept the weight off for over
nine years, but I lost my childish demands to be rescued and found the
very wise, sensitive, and real adult I'd been drowning. I had to be
reborn and become a baby first. Then I could grow up without food.
As a result, I had to renegotiate every relationship in my life and
establish a new identity for success.
To recover from an eating disorder we have to give birth to the true
self, find a way for it to be heard, then carry it with us into a new life.
The most healing and long-lasting method for gaining such a recovery
is taught at meetings of Overeaters Anonymous. Through that
program and suggestions in this book, you can find a new way to
RELATE TO RECOVER.
The body doesn't lie. The head may talk us into things or convince us
to accept the unacceptable, but our body's deformity graphically
shows how much we are out of kilter with our true selves. Our culture
teaches us to respect or reject the self using false standards. How can
anyone feel okay wearing size twelve when Madison Avenue says to
wear size five? We usually settle for size 24 and give up the struggle.
Eating is a substitute for true intimacy and risk. If we want to change
our bodies, we have to change our relationships. Whether bingeing,
vomiting, or starving, an eating disorder is a symbol or symptom of
how we relate in the world. Overeaters, anorexics, and vomiters all
have this in common. Whether 50 pounds underweight, 300 pounds
overweight, or struggling with the same fifteen pounds daily for years
on end, each sufferer must examine the same issues of control and
vulnerability.
We have tried to get nurturance without being vulnerable. The only
way to do that is with food. Food is that single, solitary, lonely
substance that is ever ready and never fails. Food never expects
anything of us. We don't have to entertain it with small talk and we
don't even have to take a shower for it to love us. People aren't quite
that predictable or dependable. People sometimes expect too much.
Refusing to risk the pain of separateness from others, we choose the
controlled security of food. Eventually the food itself becomes
uncontrollable. Then we must give up food and return to others. This
affects everyone in our lives. This book is for you and all of them.
Renegotiating relationships is much harder than fasting or gulping
down water coolers. You might be turned off to this approach as too
hard. You already know the other "quickie" books don't