Family for life: how to have happy, healthy relationships with your adult children

289 Pages·2003·0.77 MB·English

by  Kathy Peel

Family
for
Life
How to have happy,
healthy relationships
with your adult children
KATHY PEEL
McGraw-Hill
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DOI: 10.1036/0071425985
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In Memory of
Judith Louise Musgrave
Friend, role model, mentor. Judy taught me through
the way she lived her life what it means to be a loving wife,
good mother, and fun grandmother.
Acknowledgments
Although the author’s name appears on the cover, every book
is a group effort. I am blessed to have a wonderful team of peo-
ple who have contributed to this book.
Special thanks to Nancy Hancock, Executive Editor at
McGraw Hill, for allowing me to write this book. Thanks also
to Meg Leder for her able editorial assistance and helpful
attitude.
A special tribute to my good friend and colleague Patti
Dematteo, CEO of Ultimate Performance, who believes in my
mission to strengthen families and help make home a warm
and welcoming place for family and friends.
For their expert editing and going the extra mile, sincere
appreciation goes to Ann Matturro Gault, Holly Halverson,
and Maureen Connolly. And for their research assistance, a big
thanks to Jill Dalley, Martha Hook, and Debbie Zadina.
Thank you to the many mothers, fathers, adult children,
and family therapists who took part in interviews and anony-
mously shared their stories and advice.
And to my incredibly supportive family—my husband
Bill, and our three sons, John, Joel, and James—I am thankful
can write this book with confidence because of what we’ve
experienced and learned the past thirty-one years. I love
you all.
For more information about this title, click here.
Contents
Introduction 1
Chapter 1 Build a Bridge Between Generations 7
Chapter 2 Prepare Kids Well for Life on Their Own 29
Chapter 3 Mend Broken Fences and Love in Ways
that Matter 45
Chapter 4 Be a Dreambuilder, Not a Dreambuster 71
Chapter 5 Keep the Porch Light On and the Home
Fire Burning 93
Chapter 6 Keep Your Clan Connected 119
Chapter 7 How to Be a Really Great Grandparent 145
Chapter 8 Who Will Nurture the Nurturer? 179
Chapter 9 What Family Is All About 201
Chapter 10 The Portable Mom: The Mother of All
Resources 227
Parting Words 275
Index 277
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Introduction
Parenting, like war, is a lot easier to begin than it is
to end.
—David Jeremiah
I
n the film Parenthood the sixty-four-year-old grand-
father (Jason Robards) describes to his thirty-five-year-old
son (Steve Martin) the anguish he felt as the parent of a
young child:
We thought you had polio; for a week we didn’t
know. I hated going through all that caring, and
worry, and pain. And it’s not like that all ends when
your kid’s eighteen, or twenty-one, or sixty-one. It
never, never ends. In parenting there is no end zone.
You never cross the goal line, spike the ball, and do
your touchdown dance. Never.
When my husband, Bill, and I became parents for the
first time almost twenty-nine years ago, we naively thought
that after a few years of potty training, Band-Aids, driver’s ed,
first dates, and SAT prep courses, the hard part would be over.
We’d launch our children—with their framed diplomas, strong
values, and positive self-images—into the real world and go
home, empty nesters eager to reap the rewards of those count-
less Saturday mornings spent at the soccer field.
But to the surprise of many ready-to-cruise moms and
dads, parenting doesn’t stop when you think it will. Kids drop
1
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2 Introduction
out of college in search of what really matters (parents pay for
the expedition). College graduates suspect that corporate cul-
ture could be stifling (“I could never be a nine-to-five person”)
and opt to save money by living at home while awaiting the
perfect job. Wedding galas that cost a small fortune sometimes
end in divorce, sending hurting children back to the nest—this
time with their own brood.
So our job continues, but in many ways parenting older
children isn’t so different from parenting younger ones. After all,
there are bullies in the business world just as there were on the
playground. And we’re still training our children, making them
feel better, and helping them through life’s inevitable tests. Only
this time, the wounds don’t heal with a Band-Aid and choosing
the wrong answer can have far-reaching consequences.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous—
it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking
around outside your body.
—Elizabeth Stone
Today, as the mother of older children (ages twenty-eight,
twenty-five, and eighteen), I find that my parenting style has
changed. Now, instead of issuing motherly mandates (“Please
finish your broccoli”; “Clean up your room”), I offer low-key
counsel (“Do you think you should wear a tie to that interview?”
“It probably would be a good idea to get another estimate”).
When they need me, I strive to step in without stepping over
the line and offer support without being suffocating. While
sometimes instinct guides me well—one son recently thanked
me for warning him about a bogus deal that seemed too good
to be true—I’ve learned some lessons the hard way, and I’d like
to help you avoid some of my mistakes.