Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose PDF
Preview Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose
Falling In Love OTHER BOOKS BY AYALA MALACH PINES Couple Burnout: Causes and Cures (Routledge) Career Burnout: Causes and Cures Experiencing Social Psychology: Readings and Projects (with Christina Maslach) The Juggler: A Working Woman: Problems and Solutions (available in Hebrew) Psychology of Gender (available in Hebrew) Romantic Jealousy (Routledge) Falling In Love WHY WE CHOOSE THE LOVERS WE CHOOSE AYALA MALACH PINES ROUTLEDGE New York London Published in 1999 by Routledge 29 West 35th Street New York, NY 10001 This edition published in the Taylor & Francis e-Library, 2003. Disclaimer: For copyright reasons, some images in the original version of this book are not available for inclusion in the eBook. Published in Great Britain by Routledge 11 New Fetter Lane London EC4P 4EE Copyright © 1999 by Routledge All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Pines, Ayala Malach Falling in love: why we choose the lovers we choose/by Ayala Malach Pines. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 0-415-92046-9 hb 1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Love. 3. Mate selection. I. Title HQ801.M366 1999 306.7–dc21 99–22987 CIP ISBN 0-203-90260-2 Master e-book ISBN ISBN 0-203-90264-5 (Adobe eReader Format) For the people I love most, My children Itai and Shani My husband Israel My parents Judith and Zeev. Contents ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ix INTRODUCTION About Falling In Love and About This Book xi Part One CONSCIOUS CHOICES Increasing The Likelihood Of Falling In Love 1 1 Proximity, The Hidden Matchmaker 3 2 Arousal, The Elixir Of Love 13 3 Beauty And Character 29 4 Birds Of A Feather Or Opposites Attract? 51 5 Satisfying Needs And Reciprocating Love 69 6 Falling In Love As A Process 83 7 On Gender And Love, Status And Beauty 97 Part Two UNCONSCIOUS CHOICES How We Choose The Lovers We Choose 125 8 Openness To Love 127 9 The Son Falls In Love With “Mother,” The Daughter With “Father” 145 10 The Internal Romantic Image 163 11 Four Stories 191 vii viii CONTENTS Part Three ROMANTIC LOVE IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS 211 12 Turning Love Problems Into Opportunities For Growth 215 APPENDIX 237 NOTES 243 REFERENCES 253 PHOTO PERMISSIONS 272 INDEX 273 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I am a very fortunate woman to be surrounded by brilliant, loving, and generous colleagues who are also my dear and cherished friends. All of them are extremely busy professionals who, nonetheless, found the time to read an early version of this book and improve it immensely with their profound feedback. Dr. Anya Lane, my dear friend for many many years, has contributed to the book her deep knowledge of psychoanalytic theory. Her insights were so profound that, generally, I simply quoted her. Dr. Lillian Rubin, my dear friend and admired role model, has helped make the book more concise and my voice in it clearer. Dr. Carole Pettiet, my spiritual and clear-thinking soul sister, read every word of the book and gave me priceless feedback that helped improve both its organization and style. Dr. Orenya Yanai helped clarify my thinking about the irrationality of falling in love. This book has been brought to print by a young and dynamic team at Routledge. The team is headed by my wise and energetic publishing director, Heidi Freund; her hard-working assistant, Shea Settimi; the highly skilled managing editor, Anthony Mancini; publicists Ron Longe and Katharine Smalley; product manager Amy Lee and intern Joshua Feldman. Another invaluable member of the team is Abigail Baxter—the best, most intelligent copy editor an author can wish for. They are a wonderful team and a joy to work with. But my deepest gratitude is reserved for the hundreds of people who took part in my research and clinical work, who shared with me their moving, exciting, poetic, better-than-fiction, love stories. ix
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