Table Of Content

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EXPONEN I II VOLUME TWENTY SIX, NUMBER THREE SPRING 2003 Exponent II CONTENTS EDITORIAL STAFF F . c Editor Editorial Farmer-Baker-Cellist: A Look Nancy 'T: Dredge A Year Like This One 3 at Desire 22 Guat ditor Susan Hatch Susan Paxman Hatch Susan Paxman Hatch Associate Editors Kate Holbrook A Sense of Joy 4 Growth and Change an Heather Sundahl Alison Takenaka Charlotte Cannon Johnston Designer Nancy Dredge Interview with Cathy Stokes Ward Transit 27 ea Life Is Good 6 Ann Gardner Stone Linda Hoffman Kimball Linda Hoffman Kimball Stephanie Gordon ° ° ° Business Manager Poetry ena Neighborhoods, Barbara Streeper Taylor be ie Building Trust 28 First Recital 5 Beem Baltics Reporter u Rebecca Chandler Ann Stone Production Deborah Moreno ish Kimberly Burnett, Cheryl Davis DiVito, A pha House 29 Amy Peterson Gender Moments 12 Patti Thomas Hanks SCTE Susan Sessions Rugh President Book Review of Linda Hoffman Emily Curtis My Daddy’s Hands 14 Kimball's The Marketing of Sister B Secretary Becky Reid Linford A Loving Lampoon 30 Ne Wg . reasurer Debbie Blakely Barbara Streeper Taylor Sacrament Meeting Sampler Historian The Quest of a Curious Woman 18 Good Luck With That 31 ae Heather S. Cannon Marnie Leavitt Members Linda Andrews, Robin Zenger Baker, Kimberly Burnett, Emily Curtis, All the Time There Is 71 Cheryl Davis DiVito, Nancy Tate Dredge, Judy Rasmussen Dushku, Anne Nancy Harward Lantz Gavin, Karen Call Haglund, Kate Holbrook, Linda Ellison, Aimee Hickman, Stacey Ball Petrey, Carrel Helen Candland Stark Essay Contest HiltonE SRhel donS, EHeCat hSerE Sundahl, Whether you're a “long time reader, first other submissions will be passed on to our Expoidtbtt Gaon sae time writer” to Exponent II or a seasoned Readers Committee for consideration. We mans by ESuonenen SIE Z pro at putting your life in print, we invite have published many of these essays in past non-profit corporation with no official you to enter this year’s personal essay issues of Exponent II. connection with The Church of Jesus contest. This is your chance to tell Exponent Christ of Latter-day Saints. Articles readers about some aspect of your life or The deadline for submissions is February 1, Soe 2 some thoughts you have had that you 2004. Mail your entries by e-mail to Ee cee Exponent would like to express —and possibly to [email protected] or submit disks or or its editors and Sisters Speak articles win some money. First place will be hard copy entries to Essay Contest, are assumed intended for publication in awarded $300 and will be published in the — Exponent II, P.O. Box 128, Arlington, MA whole ease part ate hay ea newspaper. Any honorable mention essays —_ 02476. Please include your name, address, Seat eee will also be printed in the paper, and all and e-mail address on your entry. Copyienc® 2002 yeaa Incorporated. All rights reserved. Cover design of the South The purpose of Exponent II is to provide a forum for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an Manitou Lighthouse on atmosphere of trust and acceptance. This exchange allows us to better understand each other and shape the direction of our lives. Our common bond is our connection to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints South Manitou Island (off and our commitment to women. We publish this paper as a living history in celebration of the strength and the shore of Lake Michigan) diversity of women. by Lenoir Deans of Traverse City, Michigan. 2 UPB Exponent Il | Editorial | Peveamtike Ihis One by Susan Hatch I am surrounded by words. I own and live in another country or time. I thousands of books and hoard layers can stay in touch with distant friends of papers with valuable writing on via the magic of e-mail messages and I don’t remember ever having a year them: articles ripped from magazines know far more about the details of like this; it’s been a sad one. I’m and passages photocopied or jotted their lives than I did ten years ago middle-aged, no two ways about it. down from books; notes of ideas I’ve when we wrote by snail mail and I'm forty-six; even if I live till I’m had while driving; poems on all colors shared only an occasional phone call! ninety, I’m more than halfway there. of parchment; flyers and memos or catch-up visit. | can save words | Definitely old enough to see many a received about important things to love for return visits of “Aha!” or loved one’s saga unfold. Maybe being pay attention to in the near future; “That's just exactly what I feel.” Iam at the mid point has something to do bits and pieces that send me on mini- in awe of the power of arranging the with what's been happening in my quests for more information. I save alphabet into creative new ideas. life. This year things have been off words in overflowing manila Words abound. Words give meaning. kilter, skewed — mid-life filled with abrupt endings and final moves. God fold— Cereartivsit y, Rumi, Candles & Words enlighten. seemingly saying, “Checkmate. End of Candlelight, Memory, Ocean, Humor, Wildwood, Ritual, Trees, Interesting The words in this Midwest issue are game.” My smart, faithful cousin, Things People Say about God. I tape no different. When I was asked to be Steve Gray, 48; my funny, creative words to my computer monitor, stick the guest editor of this issue, I started nephew, David Thomas, 28; my kind, them on my fridge and bulletin board. thinking of people who could write to helpful cousin Craig Livingston, 47; my talented old uncle Paul Fillmore— As a human word processor, I’m enrich the lives of Exponent II readers, currently writing the forty-first vol- and what you see in the following all have died since last September. ume of my personal journal. Wordy pages shows the breadth of experi- In addition, some of my dearest papers pile on my desk in topplely, ence and talent here in the Heartland. friends have lost loved ones to precarious ways. Inside the computer, These wonderful women live from the suicide, SARS, and mental illness. I store e-mails and letters, essays and heart. They care passionately about talks, lists of books read and books to the work they do, the relationships Good and pleasant things have get around to reading, records of my they engage in, and the quality of the happened, too, of course— a wedding, a graduation, recitals, the kids’ activities, calendars of significant lives they lead. They are busy and family dates. Surely with so many sometimes overwhelmed, just like you return of sprin— gbu t not enough to offset the sad news that keeps pounding words available, words would never are. They have less time than they fail me. wish. They are thoughtful about their the shore. religion and their church. They I can dip into a book of poems to experience tragedy, loss, and pain, So, how do we stay afloat when the undertow seems strong? Love, family rescue a feeling I thought Id lost or but they’re also funny, creative, and identify an emotion I never even tried wise. Best of all, they are my friends. support, conversations with God, to put into language. Some of the I started by thinking of friends and laughter, favorite music, natural beauty — the basics. Friendship and words | like best are clustered into asking them to write, and the circle questions like “What if we had no expanded to include more and more. distracting entertainment. Music. limits?” or “What do you think?” or Faith. Good words, lovingly written, spoken, and shared. In the beginning “Are there as many ways to get May their carefully chosen words things right as there are to get them bring you comfort, distraction, tears was the Word, and the Word was wrong?” or “Why did I act like such a and laughs, and new ideas. Good with God, and the Word was God. blooming idiot?” I can read a novel words to get through life. * Call for Writers Future issues of Exponent II will include about their work and who have photo- about the church from an international articles on 1) women and how they deal graphs of their quilts, women who are perspective. If you are interested in with power and 2) single women in the involved in types of sports that are not writing on any of these subjects, please church. We are also interested in hearing those usually embraced by women, and contact us at [email protected] or at from quilters who would like to talk writers who have something to share our postal box address. Spring 2003 A Sense of Joy The following artucle ts adapted from a workshop given at the April 2002 Midwest Pilgrims Retreat by Alison Takenaka my interpretation of people and they really count?” “’Count’ with experience. My files are bulging proof whom?” I asked. But she couldn’t Joyful, joyful we adore thee, of the joy that surrounds me. Despite answer me. God of glory, Lord of love; the news of war, terrorism, political Hearts unfold like flowers before thee, assassinations, poverty, and domestic She did tell me that she had been atrocities, joy whispers from many guilt-ridden for years because she Opening to the sun above. quiet corners of the print universe. So never felt spiritually “uplifted” when — Henry van Dyke, “Hymn to Joy” when a Relief Society president asked she studied the scriptures the “right” me to design a filing system for my way. She wanted to be more like her Iam a novice at the game of life. The ward that presented provocative husband, who woke up each morning older I get, the more I realize that I thoughts on finding more joy, I sim- and did his daily half-hour, sequential don’t know anything about every- ply sifted through my mixed-up files scripture study before going off to thing, nor everything about anything. and inserted the best of what I found. work. He didn’t understand the spiri- Many things I once thought I knew tual funk she was in; his was the “correct” have faded into obscurity or shifted to The resulting J.O.Y. Book became a way to read. She thought that her key ambiguity. But my quest for joy is a balanced system for how to sense joy to joy was becoming more like him, passionate constant that hasn’t waned more clearly and more frequently and she never considered that her with time. through developing a greater love for dialogue with Christ was more likely When misery begins to overwhelm “Jesus,” “Others,” and “Yourself.” It’s to happen if she adopted her own, not my world view, I try to sharpen my a dynamic scrapbook of wisdom that her husband’s , study habits. has saved me from many of the spiri- sense of joy —to bring it to a concrete level—by asking myself these questions: tual, social, and emotional crises that I guess this makes me question loom over busy women in a demand- whether Jesus — who has a perfect 1) What does joy look, sound, feel, taste, ing world. It’s not fool-proof, but it sense of how different we are from or smell like? helps me stay loyal to what truths I’ve each oth— eexprect s us to approach 2) What gives me the most joy? found. It helps me remember to love him only through a handful of ways 3) What blocks joy for me? and feel loved. that others have “authorized.” Some- 4) If a friend asked me for a “Guide to a how I doubt it. I think that my on- Joyful Life,” how would I respond? I'll never forget the time when a girl- going conversation with deity is a friend stopped me after I had taught a personal matter and that I can be This exercise helps me to appreciate gospel doctrine class to invite me over wholly unconcerned with how others the little joys that often get lost in the for lunch so she could hear my advice commune with God. My friend’s mis- busyness of living —the sweet grip of on how to read the scriptures. I ery probably didn’t spring from her my toddler’s hand as we comb the beach, sunlight filtering through a remember her sitting perched at the desire to read the scriptures, and her edge of a plush armchair, scanning a love for Christ wasn’t lacking. But gold autumn canopy, glittering brainstormed list from my J.O.Y. gaining her husband's acceptance and snowflakes floating on the air of an binder called “Fifty Ways to Read the heeding the voices of convention took Advent evening. I’m forced to recog- Scriptures.” It included possibilities precedence over her own spiritual sense. nize the negativity that detracts and ranging from “make a list of all the distracts me from joy —fear, envy, gospel topics that interest you and I’ve seen too many women too often loneliness, panic. When I think about read the scriptures that relate to each put their love for others ahead of their giving advice to a beloved friend, I topic” to “buy a cheap version of the love for themselves— women who tap into wisdom I never knew I had. Often the presence or absence of joy in scriptures, tear out pages, tape them “lose themselves” in vortices of my life boils down to whether I am to the back of your cereal box, and demands — their husbands’, children’s, read them during breakfast.” | friends’, employers’. They are re- finely tuned to sense it or not. remember the laughter and shock on signed to their “calling” as a kind of An information junkie by nature, I her face, the raised eyebrows and the contemporary Christian martyr, extra-wide blue eyes. Finally she thinking that something in our gospel routinely scan printed material for looked up with disheartened concern commands them to serve as every- specks of truth that may improve and said, “These are great, but do one’s favorite whipping girl. Very 4 Exponent Il often when talking to my Mormon girlfriends, I get more concerned with letting instruction manual with neat the feeling that they don’t possess the joy that they my “rightness” be gauged by and tidy bullets. Nearly every deserve for being the kind, patient, hard-working, the insights I receive in medita- positive element of my life— charitable, faithful, funny people that they are. tion than with allowing cultur- however miniscule —could be a They’re so used to being taken for granted that al opinions to determine how I negative component of some- they’re blind to the best sides of themselves. should think, what I should one else’s. And the question say, and how I should act. I’m of what combination of parts I too am a Christian woman. | try to emulate Christ, convinced that God knows me will produce the maximum but I don’t feel called to be a martyr— drawn and better than anyone else, better amount of joy in any life is an quartered by somebody’s extraneous needs. I work than I even know myself. So impossible equation. toward becoming more “perfect” by becoming a my prime tasks are to connect whole person who responds to those who are truly with myself, tap into God's My sense of joy is fragile, like a in need, not by becoming a “perfect” lamb who’s omniscience, and then find the new motor skill that my body led calmly to the slaughter by self-centered people. courage to do what’s really best isn’t proficient in. Like my as I relate to myself and others. other senses, which could be My sense of Christ-like love is grounded in my debilitated in an instant, my belief that the goodness inside me is in harmony There is such an immense pres- sense of joy sometimes teeters with the goodness inside others. When I feel a reso- sure to “fit in,” to “be normal,” on the edge of forgetfulness nance, I can act quickly to aid another person who to “be cool,” or to “keep up just when I’m convinced that is sincerely in need of my help, and I can deftly with the Joneses.” On my bad it’s lodged in my memory avoid the frivolous needs of others who want to days, I know why I succumb to forever. My perception gets so lean on me out of habit, laziness, self-pity, irrespon- cultural prescriptions so often: warped by the misery of the sibility, or any number of mysterious reasons that I because ignoring trends and real-time rat race that I may never know. expectations exacts high social wouldn’t know joy if it costs (odd looks, silent rejec- grabbed me by the hair and tion, explicit criticism, subtle screamed, “HERE I AM!” alienation, suppression, isola- tion, covert ridicule). But is the One friend’s theory is that “joy price of marching to my own is acting out of love.” But drum worth the payoff in per- loving is a risk; every bond sonal peace and wild freedom? enables a break. The love that On my truth-telling days, I produces our greatest joys also think it’s at least a fair exchange, carries the greatest potential for and often I think that I reap an pain. The most remarkable Warning abundance of self-love that connections are often the ones When I am an old woman I shall wear purple spills over into the reservoir of that survive against all odds. With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me. energy and care that I can give But our handling of pain is the But maybe I ought to practise a little now? to my relationships with God catalyst that transforms the So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised and others. Besides, sometimes bitter risk of love to the sweet When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. when I high-step and thump security of joy. Something about Jenny Joseph’s poem has sunk my own savage beat, other deep into my bones. I am not numerically “old” at women drop their porcelain Joy. I can’t buy it, build it, con- present, but to me this poem has more to do with facades and join my parade. jure it, copy it, bake it, or fake hearing and obeying my truest Self —the person Then we’re more and merrier it. But |c an—and do—choose inside me that changes with the seasons, flows with with purple and red banners to increase my love .. . to brave the tides, dances with the sun, and runs with the madly waving side-by-side. the pain. . . to sense more joy. moon. This poem is about paying less attention to what my neighbors think and paying more respect I feel entitled to joy. It’s one of Ever singing, march we onward, to what I need for me. A wise friend recently my positive birthrights from Victors in the midst ofs trife, observed: “If you don’t take care of yourself, no one the Fall of humankind (see 2 Joyful music leads us sunward else will think to.” Nephi 2:23-25). But this In the triumph song ofl ife. * inheritance comes with some I want to become the best person I can be, regardless cautions. There is no well- of what is “proper” in anyone else’s judgment. I’m marked path to joy, no Spring 2003 LIFE IS GOOD An interview with Catherine Stokes by Linda Hoffman Kimball had a great aunt in Chicago who my hands. I looked around for a place had just gotten married who was to sit on the floor. I remember the feel too old to have any children. She of my great-aunt’s hand on my arm wanted someone to help her in her lifting me up and hearing her say very old age, so by virtue of birth order, tenderly, “We don’t do that anymore.” I got to go. That turned out to be a blessing for me. For example, I was Ex2: A new life for you. the only one of my siblings who got to go through school. CS: Exactly. It was a very interesting time for the country, being at the tail Ex2: Do you mean high school, col- end of the Depression. But in our area lege, elementary? in the South, the Depression came and went. Nobody knew because nothing CS: All of the above. They may changed. There was no television then have had one or two or three years. where you could see people jumping Schooling was not a priority in the out of windows in New York. We South then. There were no electric were thinking that everybody was lights, no running water, no pretty much like us. Except we knew flushing toilets. that the people who lived in the big Cathy Stokes is a woman of smarts and house, who owned all land (we would spirit. The first black nurse in the U.S. to Ex2: A little like Exponent retreats in have called it a plantation a few years hold an administrative position in a state New Hampshire. earlier), lived well. But we thought nurses association, Cathy is now a force that’s how things were supposed to be. to be reckoned with for infection control CS. Never been to one of those. in health care for the State oIfl linois People are always asking me to go Ex2: Other early memories? Department of Public Health. A world camping. I tell them I camped in my traveler, Cathy leaves her home in youth in that shack in Mississippi. My CS: Though my great-aunt was uned- Chicago for her work, for her assignments idea of camping is a hotel without ucated, she was wise in many ways. with Church Public Affairs, and for her room service twenty-four hours. Been She wanted me to know my sisters love of the many people around the globe there. Done that. No thanks. and brothers. Her husband, my who “by mutual consent” are her rela- “Papa” (Aaron Moore), would take tives. She has been to such exotic ports of Ex2: Tell us about heading North. me back to Mississippi during the call as Ghana, Fit, Japan, Ireland, Christmas break. What you got at Australia, New Zealand, and Monticello, CS. I remember very vividly that Christmastime was a couple of Utah. She is as well known for her night we left. I must have been about oranges, a peppermint stick, a few barbecued rib dinners as she is for her three or four. | remember the moon nuts, and some store-bought cheese. generosity of spirit, her commitment to casting shadows on the moss hanging We thought that was what Christmas the Gospel, and her sometimes saucy turn off the trees. I remember riding in a meant. You would go around to the of phrase. In the following interview, car. I don’t think I had been in a car relatives and neighbors. The women Cathy shares some thoughts on her child- before. We went to a place in would have baked for the week before hood, her education, her career, and her experience as a Mormon since 1979. Louisiana to visit some of my great- and put all these cakes and pies and uncle’s relatives, and we had supper tea cupcakes in the pie safe. And Ex2: Tell us about “Cathy Stokes: The there. They had fried fish and you'd go around and say, “Christmas Early Years.” spaghetti for supper. In Mississippi, give!” and they'd give you some of we were given our food on a tin pan the goodies. I think of that and realize and then we'd find a place on the that we were probably closer to the CS: Iam child of the rural South, born into severe poverty in 1936. I was the floor to sit and eat. That night in meaning of Christmas there in those youngest of six —five surviving— Louisiana I was given a real plate. I times than we are when people shop children of a sharecropper family. We remember the feel of this new thing in their eyeballs out. 6 Exponent Il EX2: Sounds like trick-or-treating. Papa looked at me and said, “It was look up because I don’t know if that time for you to leave that school any- bird is still lurking up there. I know CS. Yeah, it was like that. My brothers way.” There was a big sigh. That’s what it means to be humbled, and I and cousins would distract the ladies probably the first time I realized that prefer to humble myself. It’s interest- who cooked all that good stuff, and there is a God and He loves me. ing to me that this incident sticks with they’d go in and snitch a few. The me through all these years. It has ladies knew, they knew what the boys Ex2: What a relief. meaning. (Chuckling.) were doing. That was part of the Christmas ritual. CS: Yeah. I was so innocent. I always Ex2: The Lord moves in mysterious thought if anything was true, you ways His wonders to perform. So Ex2: You mentioned that education ought to say that and everybody after high school? was a major part of your life. Where would be happy. I still believe in say- did you go to school? ing what's true, but I know it doesn’t CS: I went to nursing school at always make people happy. You have Michael Reese Hospital School of CS: I had all my schooling here in to be careful how you say it. Nursing. I had applied to two other Chicago. I went to a Catholic grade schools and they had accepted me— school for a while until I got expelled. Ex2: Where did you go after you were offered me scholarships because I was expelled? a good student. My teacher, Mrs. Ex2: Expelled?! What did you do? Presgill, said, “Oh now, Michael Reese How old were you? CS: I went to a public school and then is the best school. You’re going there.” to Hyde Park High School, which at I said, “But I haven't heard from them.” CS: I was about eleven. I got expelled that time was the premiere public She said, “You will.” And I did. I because the nun said that anybody high school in Chicago. There were found out later that the problem with who wasn’t Catholic was going to half a dozen black students. The over- my being accepted was that I would hell. Yeah, they said that in those whelming majority of the students have been—and I was—the fourth days. It was before we were all were Jewish. I did well in high school. black student. The quota was three. “friends” and “ecumenical” and all As a matter of fact, I was the out- Mrs. Presgill had connections, so they that. I raised my hand, not in defiance standing senior in my graduating let a fourth one in—with the expecta- but rather in innocence and said, “No, class that year. |w ent down to have tion that I’d wash out. But that didn’t that’s not so, because my family isn’t my picture taken at the Tribune, where happen. Fortunately, the Lord blessed going to hell.” She promptly took me they honored all the outstanding me with the ability to master the out of the class and sent me home. seniors from all the high schools. I material. If there is a hell, that’s what was feeling pretty proud! it was like —being that fourth student I remember walking home with fear that wasn’t supposed to be there. and trepidation because school was On my way to the picture taking, a very important in my life. It was bird pooped on my head. I was devas- Ex2: You began working after nursing important to my parents that I behave tated. In those days, we had to go school? in school and get good grades, and through a lot of processes with our that message had been brought home hair; some blacks still do. I mean, it CS: After I graduated from nursing to me a number of times. I had prob- was a big deal to get your hair look- school, I got a job working in a hospi- lems with talking in class and distract- ing like you wanted it to look, and tal. Then I worked in a pediatrician’s ing the other kids because I had fin- besides, it had cost my mother’s off—i wcoreked for the first black ished my work. The teacher said the scarce dollars to do it. I went up to the pediatrician in the city of Chicago. A other kids weren’t finishing their Tribune in tears. There was a reporter brilliant man, Dr. Edward Beesley, work. So I helped them, and then we there —a white woman— who knew who has long since passed on. | talked. She didn’t like that either. I about black hair. She took me in the learned a lot. learned sometimes you do what you’re washroom, cleaned it up, and got me told to do, not that it makes sense. all put together. It was a pretty nice Ex2: Somewhere in here you got picture, actually. married? But the doctrine of “we're not going to hell” was too much for the nuns. I Every time I feel as if I have accom- CS: I met my husband and got mar- just knew I was in deep trouble. plished something and as if I did it by ried on Valentine’s Day, 1960, hoping Strangely enough, when I got home myself, I think of that day. I don’t that he’d always remember it. By July continued on page 8 Spring 2003 7 Life is Good continued from page 7 I was pregnant. In December, I went decided to go back to school and get a really micro-manages your life.” I into labor and delivered premature degree so I could work in Public guess He doesn’t trust me to do it twin boys who were too young to sur- Health. I recall going back after work myself. That’s fine with me. Life is vive. They weren't expected to make to give Ardelia her supper before good. it out of the delivery room, but they going off to school. She’d cry and lived a couple of days. Today they’d wail, and I would leave their house in Ex2: Now you're working in state be saved without out any difficulty. tears myself. One day I forgot some- government? That was a sad time. In October 1962, thing and I went back. She was my daughter Ardelia was born, and dancing and singing and having a CS: Yes. After I got my degree, I she was just fine. My only daughter. great time. That taught me a valuable worked for the local health depart- (Well, the only daughter I gave birth lesson. Don’t think you’re essential. ment and then changed jobs to the to. |h ave some other “daughters” by Life goes on. Illinois Nurses Association. I was the what I call “mutual consent.”) first black professional to work for I was blessed to have those wonderful any state nurses association. There had been nurses employed at the By the beginning of the next year, the parents who helped me, and I had national organizational level, but marriage had failed. 1 would always wonderful friends who also helped the states had none. I mention that tell people I was widowed. I realized me. Life was expensive, but we because it’s a statement about the you get an entirely different reaction managed to stay one step ahead of the segregation and discrimination that if you tell them you're a widow. They sheriff. And the Lord provided. existed in the workforce at that time. say, “Oh, what happened?” I say, It was absolutely nothing for our “His departure was sudden and What I did I did because I had to, not society to be proud of. unexpected.” Which it was. But you because I wanted to. It would have get all kinds of sympathy. If you say been interesting, if I had had a choice, I went from that job to state govern- you're divorced, people look at you what I would have done. I admire ment. I’d gone to see the director of with a raised eyebrow. Whatever their those women who can afford to and the agency. He wanted a public health minds conjure up about divorced do stay home with their children. I nurse. He said, “My dear, let me just women they want to lay on you. mean, they don’t stay home and stare be candid. I want a public health at the kids twenty-four hours. They nurse because I think they’re smart. That’s also when I learned that live active lives. They contribute in The women are raising hell because women have a hard time without a many ways. They are creative. They we don’t have a woman on the staff. husband. I basically raised my often have some limited paid employ- The blacks are raising hell because we daughter. She saw her father periodi- ment, but they aren’t committed to don’t have a black on the staff. You cally, and he provided the support work for their sustenance. I remember are all three. If you would consider that was required by the court. Life when I went back to work at the doc- taking this job, I guarantee we'll have went on. That was the start of my tor’s office. | was crying. “Oh, I don’t fun.” Indeed, he kept his word. I angry years. I wasn’t going to take it. I want to be away from my baby... .” learned a lot, a lot from him. learned to fight back, effectively if not One of the doctors looked at me and kindly. I have repented. I continue to said, “Well, you gotta feed her.” And I I finally settled on health regulation, repent for all the harsh words I have said, “Oh,” and went on beyond that. where my job was to bring a inflicted upon people. consistent, fair survey inspection of I figure if the Lord wanted me or hospitals for the entire state, and we Ex2: You went back to work? needed me to be married, I’d be mar- did that. It was a done deal. ried. I’m not, and life is good. What CS: I was working when I was shocks me is the many women in the Ex2: Tell us how, in the midst of all pregnant with Ardelia. I believe in church who don’t know that-—that life this, you became a Mormon. working until you can see the whites is good in whatever state. You take of the baby’s eyes. Then I took off and what's dealt to you and you try to CS: In 1978, I got introduced to the hadn’t planned to go back to work. make the best hand you can. Have I church on an airplane to Hawaii. The Necessity prompted, and I had to. The always understood that? No, but pilot told us we should go see the two physicians I worked for were somehow I’ve been guided in my life Polynesian cultural center and the very kind. Grandma and Papa took to the extent that a person whom | temple since we wouldn’t have many care of the baby. After about a year, I respect and love told me, “the Lord opportunities to visit the temple in 8 Exponent Il our life. He told corny jokes the She cautioned me about going to whole way over. After I got to church on Sunday: “It is the South, know members of the Church, I and that is the Mormon Church. . .” knew from those corny jokes that So I go on down to the sacrament he had to have been a Mormon. ™ meeting, and she says, “Are you sure ~ you want to do this?” And I said, He made an allusion to some pow- “Hey, if they don’t do the right thing, erful change. It was June 10, 1978, I'll call them to repentance.” when I was on that airplane. When we got to the island, the news was I get down there and it’s high coun- all over the island about the revela- cil Sunday, and here’s this black high tion. I didn’t know what they were councilman and I see black couples talking about. I shrugged it off. I sitting around the chapel. I had told ~ > went to the Polynesian cultural Cathy with Linda's two so my friend and her family to pick me ns, Peter and Chase, in 1990 center. I saw the Joseph Smith story up and I'd go to the Methodist I call mine a “backdoor conversion.” and inquired about what they had church with them —a large congrega- I realized I didn’t disbelieve anything. done with the golden plates. Did not tion, maybe 3,000 people. There was feel I got an answer. nary another black person in the Ex2: So you were okay with angels place. I said, “Hey, what's the deal coming and all that... Ex2: What did they tell you? here? You're telling me not to go to the Mormon Church and I go to yours CS: Absolutely. Absolutely. I be- CS: They never really directly and I see absolutely nothing dark lieved in angels. I always wondered answered. | figured hey, they proba- except me?” I tell them they all need why God would leave us without bly have them hidden away some- to go down to the Mormon Church prophets. Somehow it just stopped place. Keep “em safe. I did sign that and learn how to do this thing. there? Is that all? Much of what they little slip, expecting that I’d get a mag- told me filled in some holes for me. azine and a request for a donation. I go wherever I| go in the Church with Instead I got these two lovely white Ex2: You're a single black woman the expectation that we share a com- boys in their suits and ties who came monality. I’m available to you and in the Mormon Church. You don’t to my house one evening in the fall. I you to me based on that commonality. exactly fit most people’s stereotype of asked them, “What in the hell are you a Mormon. I’m glad to see you, and I'll just be doing out here this time of night?” shocked if you’re not glad to see me. CS: Let’s stop for a minute to think They told me they were elders. And I Ex2: What is your current calling in about this whole question of “do I fit.” said, “Yeah, right.” But their inno- Whether or not I fit has never been an the ward. cence and the spirit about them was issue. That’s not a question that I ask such that I was comfortable to let CS: I work with the young women in myself. The issue is “Do I want to be them in. They were the first to open the Hyde Park First Ward in the here?” and how do I help these people the predominantly black area where I neighborhood of the University of “fit” with me? We all fit in the church; live. One thing that struck me was Chicago campus. We have some we just sometimes have to work with how frightened the one from Idaho young women who come whose par- folks to get them to understand how was. In 1978 and “79, it was very tense ents generally do not. My impression we fit. We belong here in this place between black men and white men, as together. The Lord has something for is that their parents know this is good it continues to be. The tension is for them and, even though they can’t us to do with one another —to learn, always between the men. You overlay see themselves free to live the good to serve, and to move ahead in our lives. that with the young militants, and life, they want it for their children. So you have two white boys—too young the young women come. | teach the I've been in some interesting places and too sweet to be cops, but that’s in the Church. I’ve been in many Laurels, but often we all meet what they look like. The thing that together. We have a varie—t fryo m wards here in the States and have saved them is that they were easily very sheltered, protected young ladies felt warmly welcomed. So far, I have identified as ministers. Ministers still to those who have been exposed to never been in an LDS area where | move with ease in most communities. more than they should have by this wasn’t welcomed. I was in North Ministers and nurses and EMTs. time in their young lives. The Carolina with one of my co-workers. continued on page 10 Spring 2003 9 Life is Good continued from page 9 challenge is to teach a lesson that that, and there’s no contention with me. CS: I love that if I have something everyone will understand and that It’s always hardest making sure these worthwhile to do and I need help, my will not alienate any of the girls. And young women understand what it is fellow saints are going to help me. I hopefully not embarrass any of the you're talking about. I'll tell them I don’t have to persuade them. I don’t girls. But if you’ve got to be embar- don’t believe there’s any girl around have to get a big stick. They come rassed to learn something, so be it. who comes to church who wants to willingly to work together for a good Better to be embarrassed than dumb. get pregnant out of wedlock. So cause. I love that we extend ourselves. what happens? Why do they get The girls are eager to learn. Our pregnant? Because they don’t know I love the emphasis on prayer and Young Women leaders are generally how it works. I don’t mean the biolog- scripture and personal revelation. I women with family history in the ical function. They don’t know how love standing for somethin—g t o Church. They bring a quality to our they get into that situation. It’s not borrow a phrase. I love the people of young women that is hard to something where you say, “I wanna the Church, even the ones who are a describ—ea quality of purity. They have sex.” No, that’s not it at all. It little grouchy, cause then I’m deter- come with an enthusiasm for wanting starts with the touching. You need to mined I’m going to bring ‘em around. to help these girls. Most are an- take the behaviors and hold them up guished that they don’t know how, against what you say you believe. I love even the hard parts about the but I believe that their interacting When you've been raised to accom- Church. The Church is an environ- with the girls blesses the girls’ lives modate and be kind and serve, some- ment that’s obligated to love me. Y‘all because the leaders are examples to times that’s incorrectly interpreted as are supposed to help me do this. them; their example says “You can doing whatever is asked of you. It’s Sometimes there’s that person that have this life.” It happens; it works. when it comes to the male/female grates on my last nerve, and I want to And they have marvelous talents. situation that this gets you into trou- stay away from her. But I don’t know ble. You have to understand that you what's in her heart. If I say a prayer of Ex2: The leaders? have the right to say no. That’s called gratitude for that person and I try and free agency. It’s even hard for adults. look at her in her life, it gets better. I CS: Yes, the leaders. The girls have It’s hard for the other person to hear find that I’m probably grating her as undiscovered talents, undiscovered to “No.” In these situations, you have much as she’s grating me. This call to themselves, but we’re working on that. the right and the obligation to say “No.” love one another is the task. Ex2: What challenges do you face in This is the other thing —if our kids I love that the programs are directed your work with the youth? can’t read, how are they going to toward helping you live a righteous study the scriptures, how are they life if that’s what you want to do. CS: Sometimes we want so much to going to study the Gospel, where are hold onto the kids that we don’t cor- they going to go in life? We need to I love the way the Church reaches out rect them. I am reminded of an uncle build confidence, help them with their to the world. Good works are done who taught Bible class who recently deficits, rejoice when they have an privately, and our Father in Heaven died. At his funeral, a woman got up accomplishme—n btut to pretend that rewards openly. Indeed, He has and said that in his class you had to illiteracy doesn’t exist? How can we rewarded us as a community of saints, pronounce every word correctly, to bring these children unto Christ when as individuals. The fact that we know enunciate it, to speak it clearly in stan- they’re locked in a detention camp God loves us is such a blessing. There dard English. Those people my uncle without walls? That’s what being illit- are people who don’t know that. had taught were no different than erate is. Here we sit in this Church these kids. It’s how you correct them. with all these literacy resources and Are there things in the Church we we're gonna keep these kids in our need to work on? Yeah, yeah. The Grandmothers enjoy a special place in midst three, four, fi—v howeeve r Church is the environment where the community. I can get away with many years —and not teach “em to we're supposed to work with each some things with the young men that read? I mean, what are we going to other and for each other and adult men would be afraid to say say to the Savior? help each other come unto Christ. because I’m a grandmother. And That's what it’s all about —coming when I say, “Son, take that do-rag off Ex2: Can you share what you love unto Christ. * your head and sit down,” they do about the Gospel or life in the Church? 10 Exponent Il

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PAa EOy Wyee " ey e-. EXPONEN I II VOLUME TWENTY SIX, NUMBER THREE SPRING 2003 Exponent II CONTENTS EDITORIAL STAFF F . c Editor Editorial Farmer-Baker-Cellist: A Look Nancy 'T: Dredge A Year Like This One 3 at Desire 22 Guat ditor Susan Hatch Susan Paxman Hatch Susan Paxman Hatch Associate Editors Kate Holbrook A Sense of Joy 4 Growth and Change an Heather Sundahl Alison Takenaka Charlotte Cannon Johnston Designer Nancy Dredge Interview with Cathy Stokes Ward Transit 27 ea Life Is Good 6 Ann Gardner Stone Linda Hoffman Kimball Linda Hoffman Kimball Stephanie Gordon ° ° ° Business Manager Poetry ena Neighborhoods, Barbara Streeper Taylor be ie Building Trust 28 First Recital 5 Beem Baltics Reporter u Rebecca Chandler Ann Stone Production Deborah Moreno ish Kimberly Burnett, Cheryl Davis DiVito, A pha House 29 Amy Peterson Gender Moments 12 Patti Thomas Hanks SCTE Susan Sessions Rugh President Book Review of Linda Hoffman Emily Curtis My Daddy’s Hands 14 Kimball's The Marketing of Sister B Secretary Becky Reid Linford A Loving Lampoon 30 Ne Wg . reasurer Debbie Blakely Barbara Streeper Taylor Sacrament Meeting Sampler Historian The Quest of a Curious Woman 18 Good Luck With That 31 ae Heather S. Cannon Marnie Leavitt Members Linda Andrews, Robin Zenger Baker, Kimberly Burnett, Emily Curtis, All the Time There Is 71 Cheryl Davis DiVito, Nancy Tate Dredge, Judy Rasmussen Dushku, Anne Nancy Harward Lantz Gavin, Karen Call Haglund, Kate Holbrook, Linda Ellison, Aimee Hickman, Stacey Ball Petrey, Carrel Helen Candland Stark Essay Contest HiltonE SRhel donS, EHeCat hSerE Sundahl, Whether you're a “long time reader, first other submissions will be passed on to our Expoidtbtt Gaon sae time writer” to Exponent II or a seasoned Readers Committee for consideration. We mans by ESuonenen SIE Z pro at putting your life in print, we invite have published many of these essays in past non-profit corporation with no official you to enter this year’s personal essay issues of Exponent II. connection with The Church of Jesus contest. This is your chance to tell Exponent Christ of Latter-day Saints. Articles readers about some aspect of your life or The deadline for submissions is February 1, Soe 2 some thoughts you have had that you 2004. Mail your entries by e-mail to Ee cee Exponent would like to express —and possibly to [email protected] or submit disks or or its editors and Sisters Speak articles win some money. First place will be hard copy entries to Essay Contest, are assumed intended for publication in awarded $300 and will be published in the — Exponent II, P.O. Box 128, Arlington, MA whole ease part ate hay ea newspaper. Any honorable mention essays —_ 02476. Please include your name, address, Seat eee will also be printed in the paper, and all and e-mail address on your entry. Copyienc® 2002 yeaa Incorporated. All rights reserved. Cover design of the South The purpose of Exponent II is to provide a forum for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an Manitou Lighthouse on atmosphere of trust and acceptance. This exchange allows us to better understand each other and shape the direction of our lives. Our common bond is our connection to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints South Manitou Island (off and our commitment to women. We publish this paper as a living history in celebration of the strength and the shore of Lake Michigan) diversity of women. by Lenoir Deans of Traverse City, Michigan. 2 UPB Exponent Il | Editorial | Peveamtike Ihis One by Susan Hatch I am surrounded by words. I own and live in another country or time. I thousands of books and hoard layers can stay in touch with distant friends of papers with valuable writing on via the magic of e-mail messages and I don’t remember ever having a year them: articles ripped from magazines know far more about the details of like this; it’s been a sad one. I’m and passages photocopied or jotted their lives than I did ten years ago middle-aged, no two ways about it. down from books; notes of ideas I’ve when we wrote by snail mail and I'm forty-six; even if I live till I’m had while driving; poems on all colors shared only an occasional phone call! ninety, I’m more than halfway there. of parchment; flyers and memos or catch-up visit. | can save words | Definitely old enough to see many a received about important things to love for return visits of “Aha!” or loved one’s saga unfold. Maybe being pay attention to in the near future; “That's just exactly what I feel.” Iam at the mid point has something to do bits and pieces that send me on mini- in awe of the power of arranging the with what's been happening in my quests for more information. I save alphabet into creative new ideas. life. This year things have been off words in overflowing manila Words abound. Words give meaning. kilter, skewed — mid-life filled with abrupt endings and final moves. God fold— Cereartivsit y, Rumi, Candles & Words enlighten. seemingly saying, “Checkmate. End of Candlelight, Memory, Ocean, Humor, Wildwood, Ritual, Trees, Interesting The words in this Midwest issue are game.” My smart, faithful cousin, Things People Say about God. I tape no different. When I was asked to be Steve Gray, 48; my funny, creative words to my computer monitor, stick the guest editor of this issue, I started nephew, David Thomas, 28; my kind, them on my fridge and bulletin board. thinking of people who could write to helpful cousin Craig Livingston, 47; my talented old uncle Paul Fillmore— As a human word processor, I’m enrich the lives of Exponent II readers, currently writing the forty-first vol- and what you see in the following all have died since last September. ume of my personal journal. Wordy pages shows the breadth of experi- In addition, some of my dearest papers pile on my desk in topplely, ence and talent here in the Heartland. friends have lost loved ones to precarious ways. Inside the computer, These wonderful women live from the suicide, SARS, and mental illness. I store e-mails and letters, essays and heart. They care passionately about talks, lists of books read and books to the work they do, the relationships Good and pleasant things have get around to reading, records of my they engage in, and the quality of the happened, too, of course— a wedding, a graduation, recitals, the kids’ activities, calendars of significant lives they lead. They are busy and family dates. Surely with so many sometimes overwhelmed, just like you return of sprin— gbu t not enough to offset the sad news that keeps pounding words available, words would never are. They have less time than they fail me. wish. They are thoughtful about their the shore. religion and their church. They I can dip into a book of poems to experience tragedy, loss, and pain, So, how do we stay afloat when the undertow seems strong? Love, family rescue a feeling I thought Id lost or but they’re also funny, creative, and identify an emotion I never even tried wise. Best of all, they are my friends. support, conversations with God, to put into language. Some of the I started by thinking of friends and laughter, favorite music, natural beauty — the basics. Friendship and words | like best are clustered into asking them to write, and the circle questions like “What if we had no expanded to include more and more. distracting entertainment. Music. limits?” or “What do you think?” or Faith. Good words, lovingly written, spoken, and shared. In the beginning “Are there as many ways to get May their carefully chosen words things right as there are to get them bring you comfort, distraction, tears was the Word, and the Word was wrong?” or “Why did I act like such a and laughs, and new ideas. Good with God, and the Word was God. blooming idiot?” I can read a novel words to get through life. * Call for Writers Future issues of Exponent II will include about their work and who have photo- about the church from an international articles on 1) women and how they deal graphs of their quilts, women who are perspective. If you are interested in with power and 2) single women in the involved in types of sports that are not writing on any of these subjects, please church. We are also interested in hearing those usually embraced by women, and contact us at [email protected] or at from quilters who would like to talk writers who have something to share our postal box address. Spring 2003 A Sense of Joy The following artucle ts adapted from a workshop given at the April 2002 Midwest Pilgrims Retreat by Alison Takenaka my interpretation of people and they really count?” “’Count’ with experience. My files are bulging proof whom?” I asked. But she couldn’t Joyful, joyful we adore thee, of the joy that surrounds me. Despite answer me. God of glory, Lord of love; the news of war, terrorism, political Hearts unfold like flowers before thee, assassinations, poverty, and domestic She did tell me that she had been atrocities, joy whispers from many guilt-ridden for years because she Opening to the sun above. quiet corners of the print universe. So never felt spiritually “uplifted” when — Henry van Dyke, “Hymn to Joy” when a Relief Society president asked she studied the scriptures the “right” me to design a filing system for my way. She wanted to be more like her Iam a novice at the game of life. The ward that presented provocative husband, who woke up each morning older I get, the more I realize that I thoughts on finding more joy, I sim- and did his daily half-hour, sequential don’t know anything about every- ply sifted through my mixed-up files scripture study before going off to thing, nor everything about anything. and inserted the best of what I found. work. He didn’t understand the spiri- Many things I once thought I knew tual funk she was in; his was the “correct” have faded into obscurity or shifted to The resulting J.O.Y. Book became a way to read. She thought that her key ambiguity. But my quest for joy is a balanced system for how to sense joy to joy was becoming more like him, passionate constant that hasn’t waned more clearly and more frequently and she never considered that her with time. through developing a greater love for dialogue with Christ was more likely When misery begins to overwhelm “Jesus,” “Others,” and “Yourself.” It’s to happen if she adopted her own, not my world view, I try to sharpen my a dynamic scrapbook of wisdom that her husband’s , study habits. has saved me from many of the spiri- sense of joy —to bring it to a concrete level—by asking myself these questions: tual, social, and emotional crises that I guess this makes me question loom over busy women in a demand- whether Jesus — who has a perfect 1) What does joy look, sound, feel, taste, ing world. It’s not fool-proof, but it sense of how different we are from or smell like? helps me stay loyal to what truths I’ve each oth— eexprect s us to approach 2) What gives me the most joy? found. It helps me remember to love him only through a handful of ways 3) What blocks joy for me? and feel loved. that others have “authorized.” Some- 4) If a friend asked me for a “Guide to a how I doubt it. I think that my on- Joyful Life,” how would I respond? I'll never forget the time when a girl- going conversation with deity is a friend stopped me after I had taught a personal matter and that I can be This exercise helps me to appreciate gospel doctrine class to invite me over wholly unconcerned with how others the little joys that often get lost in the for lunch so she could hear my advice commune with God. My friend’s mis- busyness of living —the sweet grip of on how to read the scriptures. I ery probably didn’t spring from her my toddler’s hand as we comb the beach, sunlight filtering through a remember her sitting perched at the desire to read the scriptures, and her edge of a plush armchair, scanning a love for Christ wasn’t lacking. But gold autumn canopy, glittering brainstormed list from my J.O.Y. gaining her husband's acceptance and snowflakes floating on the air of an binder called “Fifty Ways to Read the heeding the voices of convention took Advent evening. I’m forced to recog- Scriptures.” It included possibilities precedence over her own spiritual sense. nize the negativity that detracts and ranging from “make a list of all the distracts me from joy —fear, envy, gospel topics that interest you and I’ve seen too many women too often loneliness, panic. When I think about read the scriptures that relate to each put their love for others ahead of their giving advice to a beloved friend, I topic” to “buy a cheap version of the love for themselves— women who tap into wisdom I never knew I had. Often the presence or absence of joy in scriptures, tear out pages, tape them “lose themselves” in vortices of my life boils down to whether I am to the back of your cereal box, and demands — their husbands’, children’s, read them during breakfast.” | friends’, employers’. They are re- finely tuned to sense it or not. remember the laughter and shock on signed to their “calling” as a kind of An information junkie by nature, I her face, the raised eyebrows and the contemporary Christian martyr, extra-wide blue eyes. Finally she thinking that something in our gospel routinely scan printed material for looked up with disheartened concern commands them to serve as every- specks of truth that may improve and said, “These are great, but do one’s favorite whipping girl. Very 4 Exponent Il often when talking to my Mormon girlfriends, I get more concerned with letting instruction manual with neat the feeling that they don’t possess the joy that they my “rightness” be gauged by and tidy bullets. Nearly every deserve for being the kind, patient, hard-working, the insights I receive in medita- positive element of my life— charitable, faithful, funny people that they are. tion than with allowing cultur- however miniscule —could be a They’re so used to being taken for granted that al opinions to determine how I negative component of some- they’re blind to the best sides of themselves. should think, what I should one else’s. And the question say, and how I should act. I’m of what combination of parts I too am a Christian woman. | try to emulate Christ, convinced that God knows me will produce the maximum but I don’t feel called to be a martyr— drawn and better than anyone else, better amount of joy in any life is an quartered by somebody’s extraneous needs. I work than I even know myself. So impossible equation. toward becoming more “perfect” by becoming a my prime tasks are to connect whole person who responds to those who are truly with myself, tap into God's My sense of joy is fragile, like a in need, not by becoming a “perfect” lamb who’s omniscience, and then find the new motor skill that my body led calmly to the slaughter by self-centered people. courage to do what’s really best isn’t proficient in. Like my as I relate to myself and others. other senses, which could be My sense of Christ-like love is grounded in my debilitated in an instant, my belief that the goodness inside me is in harmony There is such an immense pres- sense of joy sometimes teeters with the goodness inside others. When I feel a reso- sure to “fit in,” to “be normal,” on the edge of forgetfulness nance, I can act quickly to aid another person who to “be cool,” or to “keep up just when I’m convinced that is sincerely in need of my help, and I can deftly with the Joneses.” On my bad it’s lodged in my memory avoid the frivolous needs of others who want to days, I know why I succumb to forever. My perception gets so lean on me out of habit, laziness, self-pity, irrespon- cultural prescriptions so often: warped by the misery of the sibility, or any number of mysterious reasons that I because ignoring trends and real-time rat race that I may never know. expectations exacts high social wouldn’t know joy if it costs (odd looks, silent rejec- grabbed me by the hair and tion, explicit criticism, subtle screamed, “HERE I AM!” alienation, suppression, isola- tion, covert ridicule). But is the One friend’s theory is that “joy price of marching to my own is acting out of love.” But drum worth the payoff in per- loving is a risk; every bond sonal peace and wild freedom? enables a break. The love that On my truth-telling days, I produces our greatest joys also think it’s at least a fair exchange, carries the greatest potential for and often I think that I reap an pain. The most remarkable Warning abundance of self-love that connections are often the ones When I am an old woman I shall wear purple spills over into the reservoir of that survive against all odds. With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me. energy and care that I can give But our handling of pain is the But maybe I ought to practise a little now? to my relationships with God catalyst that transforms the So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised and others. Besides, sometimes bitter risk of love to the sweet When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. when I high-step and thump security of joy. Something about Jenny Joseph’s poem has sunk my own savage beat, other deep into my bones. I am not numerically “old” at women drop their porcelain Joy. I can’t buy it, build it, con- present, but to me this poem has more to do with facades and join my parade. jure it, copy it, bake it, or fake hearing and obeying my truest Self —the person Then we’re more and merrier it. But |c an—and do—choose inside me that changes with the seasons, flows with with purple and red banners to increase my love .. . to brave the tides, dances with the sun, and runs with the madly waving side-by-side. the pain. . . to sense more joy. moon. This poem is about paying less attention to what my neighbors think and paying more respect I feel entitled to joy. It’s one of Ever singing, march we onward, to what I need for me. A wise friend recently my positive birthrights from Victors in the midst ofs trife, observed: “If you don’t take care of yourself, no one the Fall of humankind (see 2 Joyful music leads us sunward else will think to.” Nephi 2:23-25). But this In the triumph song ofl ife. * inheritance comes with some I want to become the best person I can be, regardless cautions. There is no well- of what is “proper” in anyone else’s judgment. I’m marked path to joy, no Spring 2003 LIFE IS GOOD An interview with Catherine Stokes by Linda Hoffman Kimball had a great aunt in Chicago who my hands. I looked around for a place had just gotten married who was to sit on the floor. I remember the feel too old to have any children. She of my great-aunt’s hand on my arm wanted someone to help her in her lifting me up and hearing her say very old age, so by virtue of birth order, tenderly, “We don’t do that anymore.” I got to go. That turned out to be a blessing for me. For example, I was Ex2: A new life for you. the only one of my siblings who got to go through school. CS: Exactly. It was a very interesting time for the country, being at the tail Ex2: Do you mean high school, col- end of the Depression. But in our area lege, elementary? in the South, the Depression came and went. Nobody knew because nothing CS: All of the above. They may changed. There was no television then have had one or two or three years. where you could see people jumping Schooling was not a priority in the out of windows in New York. We South then. There were no electric were thinking that everybody was lights, no running water, no pretty much like us. Except we knew flushing toilets. that the people who lived in the big Cathy Stokes is a woman of smarts and house, who owned all land (we would spirit. The first black nurse in the U.S. to Ex2: A little like Exponent retreats in have called it a plantation a few years hold an administrative position in a state New Hampshire. earlier), lived well. But we thought nurses association, Cathy is now a force that’s how things were supposed to be. to be reckoned with for infection control CS. Never been to one of those. in health care for the State oIfl linois People are always asking me to go Ex2: Other early memories? Department of Public Health. A world camping. I tell them I camped in my traveler, Cathy leaves her home in youth in that shack in Mississippi. My CS: Though my great-aunt was uned- Chicago for her work, for her assignments idea of camping is a hotel without ucated, she was wise in many ways. with Church Public Affairs, and for her room service twenty-four hours. Been She wanted me to know my sisters love of the many people around the globe there. Done that. No thanks. and brothers. Her husband, my who “by mutual consent” are her rela- “Papa” (Aaron Moore), would take tives. She has been to such exotic ports of Ex2: Tell us about heading North. me back to Mississippi during the call as Ghana, Fit, Japan, Ireland, Christmas break. What you got at Australia, New Zealand, and Monticello, CS. I remember very vividly that Christmastime was a couple of Utah. She is as well known for her night we left. I must have been about oranges, a peppermint stick, a few barbecued rib dinners as she is for her three or four. | remember the moon nuts, and some store-bought cheese. generosity of spirit, her commitment to casting shadows on the moss hanging We thought that was what Christmas the Gospel, and her sometimes saucy turn off the trees. I remember riding in a meant. You would go around to the of phrase. In the following interview, car. I don’t think I had been in a car relatives and neighbors. The women Cathy shares some thoughts on her child- before. We went to a place in would have baked for the week before hood, her education, her career, and her experience as a Mormon since 1979. Louisiana to visit some of my great- and put all these cakes and pies and uncle’s relatives, and we had supper tea cupcakes in the pie safe. And Ex2: Tell us about “Cathy Stokes: The there. They had fried fish and you'd go around and say, “Christmas Early Years.” spaghetti for supper. In Mississippi, give!” and they'd give you some of we were given our food on a tin pan the goodies. I think of that and realize and then we'd find a place on the that we were probably closer to the CS: Iam child of the rural South, born into severe poverty in 1936. I was the floor to sit and eat. That night in meaning of Christmas there in those youngest of six —five surviving— Louisiana I was given a real plate. I times than we are when people shop children of a sharecropper family. We remember the feel of this new thing in their eyeballs out. 6 Exponent Il EX2: Sounds like trick-or-treating. Papa looked at me and said, “It was look up because I don’t know if that time for you to leave that school any- bird is still lurking up there. I know CS. Yeah, it was like that. My brothers way.” There was a big sigh. That’s what it means to be humbled, and I and cousins would distract the ladies probably the first time I realized that prefer to humble myself. It’s interest- who cooked all that good stuff, and there is a God and He loves me. ing to me that this incident sticks with they’d go in and snitch a few. The me through all these years. It has ladies knew, they knew what the boys Ex2: What a relief. meaning. (Chuckling.) were doing. That was part of the Christmas ritual. CS: Yeah. I was so innocent. I always Ex2: The Lord moves in mysterious thought if anything was true, you ways His wonders to perform. So Ex2: You mentioned that education ought to say that and everybody after high school? was a major part of your life. Where would be happy. I still believe in say- did you go to school? ing what's true, but I know it doesn’t CS: I went to nursing school at always make people happy. You have Michael Reese Hospital School of CS: I had all my schooling here in to be careful how you say it. Nursing. I had applied to two other Chicago. I went to a Catholic grade schools and they had accepted me— school for a while until I got expelled. Ex2: Where did you go after you were offered me scholarships because I was expelled? a good student. My teacher, Mrs. Ex2: Expelled?! What did you do? Presgill, said, “Oh now, Michael Reese How old were you? CS: I went to a public school and then is the best school. You’re going there.” to Hyde Park High School, which at I said, “But I haven't heard from them.” CS: I was about eleven. I got expelled that time was the premiere public She said, “You will.” And I did. I because the nun said that anybody high school in Chicago. There were found out later that the problem with who wasn’t Catholic was going to half a dozen black students. The over- my being accepted was that I would hell. Yeah, they said that in those whelming majority of the students have been—and I was—the fourth days. It was before we were all were Jewish. I did well in high school. black student. The quota was three. “friends” and “ecumenical” and all As a matter of fact, I was the out- Mrs. Presgill had connections, so they that. I raised my hand, not in defiance standing senior in my graduating let a fourth one in—with the expecta- but rather in innocence and said, “No, class that year. |w ent down to have tion that I’d wash out. But that didn’t that’s not so, because my family isn’t my picture taken at the Tribune, where happen. Fortunately, the Lord blessed going to hell.” She promptly took me they honored all the outstanding me with the ability to master the out of the class and sent me home. seniors from all the high schools. I material. If there is a hell, that’s what was feeling pretty proud! it was like —being that fourth student I remember walking home with fear that wasn’t supposed to be there. and trepidation because school was On my way to the picture taking, a very important in my life. It was bird pooped on my head. I was devas- Ex2: You began working after nursing important to my parents that I behave tated. In those days, we had to go school? in school and get good grades, and through a lot of processes with our that message had been brought home hair; some blacks still do. I mean, it CS: After I graduated from nursing to me a number of times. I had prob- was a big deal to get your hair look- school, I got a job working in a hospi- lems with talking in class and distract- ing like you wanted it to look, and tal. Then I worked in a pediatrician’s ing the other kids because I had fin- besides, it had cost my mother’s off—i wcoreked for the first black ished my work. The teacher said the scarce dollars to do it. I went up to the pediatrician in the city of Chicago. A other kids weren’t finishing their Tribune in tears. There was a reporter brilliant man, Dr. Edward Beesley, work. So I helped them, and then we there —a white woman— who knew who has long since passed on. | talked. She didn’t like that either. I about black hair. She took me in the learned a lot. learned sometimes you do what you’re washroom, cleaned it up, and got me told to do, not that it makes sense. all put together. It was a pretty nice Ex2: Somewhere in here you got picture, actually. married? But the doctrine of “we're not going to hell” was too much for the nuns. I Every time I feel as if I have accom- CS: I met my husband and got mar- just knew I was in deep trouble. plished something and as if I did it by ried on Valentine’s Day, 1960, hoping Strangely enough, when I got home myself, I think of that day. I don’t that he’d always remember it. By July continued on page 8 Spring 2003 7 Life is Good continued from page 7 I was pregnant. In December, I went decided to go back to school and get a really micro-manages your life.” I into labor and delivered premature degree so I could work in Public guess He doesn’t trust me to do it twin boys who were too young to sur- Health. I recall going back after work myself. That’s fine with me. Life is vive. They weren't expected to make to give Ardelia her supper before good. it out of the delivery room, but they going off to school. She’d cry and lived a couple of days. Today they’d wail, and I would leave their house in Ex2: Now you're working in state be saved without out any difficulty. tears myself. One day I forgot some- government? That was a sad time. In October 1962, thing and I went back. She was my daughter Ardelia was born, and dancing and singing and having a CS: Yes. After I got my degree, I she was just fine. My only daughter. great time. That taught me a valuable worked for the local health depart- (Well, the only daughter I gave birth lesson. Don’t think you’re essential. ment and then changed jobs to the to. |h ave some other “daughters” by Life goes on. Illinois Nurses Association. I was the what I call “mutual consent.”) first black professional to work for I was blessed to have those wonderful any state nurses association. There had been nurses employed at the By the beginning of the next year, the parents who helped me, and I had national organizational level, but marriage had failed. 1 would always wonderful friends who also helped the states had none. I mention that tell people I was widowed. I realized me. Life was expensive, but we because it’s a statement about the you get an entirely different reaction managed to stay one step ahead of the segregation and discrimination that if you tell them you're a widow. They sheriff. And the Lord provided. existed in the workforce at that time. say, “Oh, what happened?” I say, It was absolutely nothing for our “His departure was sudden and What I did I did because I had to, not society to be proud of. unexpected.” Which it was. But you because I wanted to. It would have get all kinds of sympathy. If you say been interesting, if I had had a choice, I went from that job to state govern- you're divorced, people look at you what I would have done. I admire ment. I’d gone to see the director of with a raised eyebrow. Whatever their those women who can afford to and the agency. He wanted a public health minds conjure up about divorced do stay home with their children. I nurse. He said, “My dear, let me just women they want to lay on you. mean, they don’t stay home and stare be candid. I want a public health at the kids twenty-four hours. They nurse because I think they’re smart. That’s also when I learned that live active lives. They contribute in The women are raising hell because women have a hard time without a many ways. They are creative. They we don’t have a woman on the staff. husband. I basically raised my often have some limited paid employ- The blacks are raising hell because we daughter. She saw her father periodi- ment, but they aren’t committed to don’t have a black on the staff. You cally, and he provided the support work for their sustenance. I remember are all three. If you would consider that was required by the court. Life when I went back to work at the doc- taking this job, I guarantee we'll have went on. That was the start of my tor’s office. | was crying. “Oh, I don’t fun.” Indeed, he kept his word. I angry years. I wasn’t going to take it. I want to be away from my baby... .” learned a lot, a lot from him. learned to fight back, effectively if not One of the doctors looked at me and kindly. I have repented. I continue to said, “Well, you gotta feed her.” And I I finally settled on health regulation, repent for all the harsh words I have said, “Oh,” and went on beyond that. where my job was to bring a inflicted upon people. consistent, fair survey inspection of I figure if the Lord wanted me or hospitals for the entire state, and we Ex2: You went back to work? needed me to be married, I’d be mar- did that. It was a done deal. ried. I’m not, and life is good. What CS: I was working when I was shocks me is the many women in the Ex2: Tell us how, in the midst of all pregnant with Ardelia. I believe in church who don’t know that-—that life this, you became a Mormon. working until you can see the whites is good in whatever state. You take of the baby’s eyes. Then I took off and what's dealt to you and you try to CS: In 1978, I got introduced to the hadn’t planned to go back to work. make the best hand you can. Have I church on an airplane to Hawaii. The Necessity prompted, and I had to. The always understood that? No, but pilot told us we should go see the two physicians I worked for were somehow I’ve been guided in my life Polynesian cultural center and the very kind. Grandma and Papa took to the extent that a person whom | temple since we wouldn’t have many care of the baby. After about a year, I respect and love told me, “the Lord opportunities to visit the temple in 8 Exponent Il our life. He told corny jokes the She cautioned me about going to whole way over. After I got to church on Sunday: “It is the South, know members of the Church, I and that is the Mormon Church. . .” knew from those corny jokes that So I go on down to the sacrament he had to have been a Mormon. ™ meeting, and she says, “Are you sure ~ you want to do this?” And I said, He made an allusion to some pow- “Hey, if they don’t do the right thing, erful change. It was June 10, 1978, I'll call them to repentance.” when I was on that airplane. When we got to the island, the news was I get down there and it’s high coun- all over the island about the revela- cil Sunday, and here’s this black high tion. I didn’t know what they were councilman and I see black couples talking about. I shrugged it off. I sitting around the chapel. I had told ~ > went to the Polynesian cultural Cathy with Linda's two so my friend and her family to pick me ns, Peter and Chase, in 1990 center. I saw the Joseph Smith story up and I'd go to the Methodist I call mine a “backdoor conversion.” and inquired about what they had church with them —a large congrega- I realized I didn’t disbelieve anything. done with the golden plates. Did not tion, maybe 3,000 people. There was feel I got an answer. nary another black person in the Ex2: So you were okay with angels place. I said, “Hey, what's the deal coming and all that... Ex2: What did they tell you? here? You're telling me not to go to the Mormon Church and I go to yours CS: Absolutely. Absolutely. I be- CS: They never really directly and I see absolutely nothing dark lieved in angels. I always wondered answered. | figured hey, they proba- except me?” I tell them they all need why God would leave us without bly have them hidden away some- to go down to the Mormon Church prophets. Somehow it just stopped place. Keep “em safe. I did sign that and learn how to do this thing. there? Is that all? Much of what they little slip, expecting that I’d get a mag- told me filled in some holes for me. azine and a request for a donation. I go wherever I| go in the Church with Instead I got these two lovely white Ex2: You're a single black woman the expectation that we share a com- boys in their suits and ties who came monality. I’m available to you and in the Mormon Church. You don’t to my house one evening in the fall. I you to me based on that commonality. exactly fit most people’s stereotype of asked them, “What in the hell are you a Mormon. I’m glad to see you, and I'll just be doing out here this time of night?” shocked if you’re not glad to see me. CS: Let’s stop for a minute to think They told me they were elders. And I Ex2: What is your current calling in about this whole question of “do I fit.” said, “Yeah, right.” But their inno- Whether or not I fit has never been an the ward. cence and the spirit about them was issue. That’s not a question that I ask such that I was comfortable to let CS: I work with the young women in myself. The issue is “Do I want to be them in. They were the first to open the Hyde Park First Ward in the here?” and how do I help these people the predominantly black area where I neighborhood of the University of “fit” with me? We all fit in the church; live. One thing that struck me was Chicago campus. We have some we just sometimes have to work with how frightened the one from Idaho young women who come whose par- folks to get them to understand how was. In 1978 and “79, it was very tense ents generally do not. My impression we fit. We belong here in this place between black men and white men, as together. The Lord has something for is that their parents know this is good it continues to be. The tension is for them and, even though they can’t us to do with one another —to learn, always between the men. You overlay see themselves free to live the good to serve, and to move ahead in our lives. that with the young militants, and life, they want it for their children. So you have two white boys—too young the young women come. | teach the I've been in some interesting places and too sweet to be cops, but that’s in the Church. I’ve been in many Laurels, but often we all meet what they look like. The thing that together. We have a varie—t fryo m wards here in the States and have saved them is that they were easily very sheltered, protected young ladies felt warmly welcomed. So far, I have identified as ministers. Ministers still to those who have been exposed to never been in an LDS area where | move with ease in most communities. more than they should have by this wasn’t welcomed. I was in North Ministers and nurses and EMTs. time in their young lives. The Carolina with one of my co-workers. continued on page 10 Spring 2003 9 Life is Good continued from page 9 challenge is to teach a lesson that that, and there’s no contention with me. CS: I love that if I have something everyone will understand and that It’s always hardest making sure these worthwhile to do and I need help, my will not alienate any of the girls. And young women understand what it is fellow saints are going to help me. I hopefully not embarrass any of the you're talking about. I'll tell them I don’t have to persuade them. I don’t girls. But if you’ve got to be embar- don’t believe there’s any girl around have to get a big stick. They come rassed to learn something, so be it. who comes to church who wants to willingly to work together for a good Better to be embarrassed than dumb. get pregnant out of wedlock. So cause. I love that we extend ourselves. what happens? Why do they get The girls are eager to learn. Our pregnant? Because they don’t know I love the emphasis on prayer and Young Women leaders are generally how it works. I don’t mean the biolog- scripture and personal revelation. I women with family history in the ical function. They don’t know how love standing for somethin—g t o Church. They bring a quality to our they get into that situation. It’s not borrow a phrase. I love the people of young women that is hard to something where you say, “I wanna the Church, even the ones who are a describ—ea quality of purity. They have sex.” No, that’s not it at all. It little grouchy, cause then I’m deter- come with an enthusiasm for wanting starts with the touching. You need to mined I’m going to bring ‘em around. to help these girls. Most are an- take the behaviors and hold them up guished that they don’t know how, against what you say you believe. I love even the hard parts about the but I believe that their interacting When you've been raised to accom- Church. The Church is an environ- with the girls blesses the girls’ lives modate and be kind and serve, some- ment that’s obligated to love me. Y‘all because the leaders are examples to times that’s incorrectly interpreted as are supposed to help me do this. them; their example says “You can doing whatever is asked of you. It’s Sometimes there’s that person that have this life.” It happens; it works. when it comes to the male/female grates on my last nerve, and I want to And they have marvelous talents. situation that this gets you into trou- stay away from her. But I don’t know ble. You have to understand that you what's in her heart. If I say a prayer of Ex2: The leaders? have the right to say no. That’s called gratitude for that person and I try and free agency. It’s even hard for adults. look at her in her life, it gets better. I CS: Yes, the leaders. The girls have It’s hard for the other person to hear find that I’m probably grating her as undiscovered talents, undiscovered to “No.” In these situations, you have much as she’s grating me. This call to themselves, but we’re working on that. the right and the obligation to say “No.” love one another is the task. Ex2: What challenges do you face in This is the other thing —if our kids I love that the programs are directed your work with the youth? can’t read, how are they going to toward helping you live a righteous study the scriptures, how are they life if that’s what you want to do. CS: Sometimes we want so much to going to study the Gospel, where are hold onto the kids that we don’t cor- they going to go in life? We need to I love the way the Church reaches out rect them. I am reminded of an uncle build confidence, help them with their to the world. Good works are done who taught Bible class who recently deficits, rejoice when they have an privately, and our Father in Heaven died. At his funeral, a woman got up accomplishme—n btut to pretend that rewards openly. Indeed, He has and said that in his class you had to illiteracy doesn’t exist? How can we rewarded us as a community of saints, pronounce every word correctly, to bring these children unto Christ when as individuals. The fact that we know enunciate it, to speak it clearly in stan- they’re locked in a detention camp God loves us is such a blessing. There dard English. Those people my uncle without walls? That’s what being illit- are people who don’t know that. had taught were no different than erate is. Here we sit in this Church these kids. It’s how you correct them. with all these literacy resources and Are there things in the Church we we're gonna keep these kids in our need to work on? Yeah, yeah. The Grandmothers enjoy a special place in midst three, four, fi—v howeeve r Church is the environment where the community. I can get away with many years —and not teach “em to we're supposed to work with each some things with the young men that read? I mean, what are we going to other and for each other and adult men would be afraid to say say to the Savior? help each other come unto Christ. because I’m a grandmother. And That's what it’s all about —coming when I say, “Son, take that do-rag off Ex2: Can you share what you love unto Christ. * your head and sit down,” they do about the Gospel or life in the Church? 10 Exponent Il

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