ERIC ED381294: Stepfamily Realities: How To Overcome Difficulties and Have a Happy Family.

257 Pages·1994·5.9 MB·English

by  ERIC

DOCUMENT RESUME
PS 023 317
ED 381 294
Lewman, Margaret
AUTHOR
Stepfamily Realities: How To Overcome Difficulties
TITLE
and Have a Happy Family.
ISBN-1-879237-69-5
REPORT NO
PUB DATE
94
NOTE
257p.
New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 5674 Shattuck
AVAILABLE FROM
Avenue, Oakland, CA 94609 (Hardcover:
ISBN-879237-70-9; paperback: ISBN-879237-69-5, U.S.:
$13.95; Canada: $20.95).
Non-Classroom Use (055)
Guides
PUB TYPE
Books (010)
MF01/PC11 Plus Postage.
EDRS PRICE
Birth Order; Childhood Attitudes; Divorce; *Family
DESCRIPTORS
(Sociological Unit); Family Characteristics; Family
Environment; *Family Life; Jealousy; Marital
Instability; Marital Satisfaction; *Parent Child
Relationship; Personal Space; Sexual Abuse;
Sexuality; Siblings; *Stepfamily
ABSTRACT
Noting that the failure rate of second (and
subsequent) marriages is higher than that for first-time marriages,
this book addresses the major issues confronting members of
stepfamilies. Drawing on case studies and experiences with a broad
range of stepfamily situations, the book provides valuable insights
and practical advice to help stepfamilies overcome inherent
difficulties and blend successfully. The 19 chapters address the
(1) an overview of stepfamily realities;
following topics:
(2)
(3) individual
beginning to understand how stepfamilies work;
(4) the force of
differences and the force of togetherness;
(5) boundaries
separateness in stepfamilies and the search for self;
(6) individual habits, attitudes,
and personal space in stepfamilies;
(7) emotions in
values and rituals that come into stepfamilies;
(8) spoken, unspoken, and hidden contracts; family
stepfamilies;
(10) birth-order characteristics
(9) jealousy in stepfamilies;
rules;
(11) discipline in stepfamilies;
and sibling displacement;
(12)
balancing acts in stepfamilies; (13) the changed nature of
relationships in stepfamilies; (14) the biological child in the
(16) money issues in
(15) sexuality in stepfamilies;
stepfamily;
stepfamilies: (17) assertive communication skills (parts 1 and 2);
and (18) the reality that stepfamily life can match your dreams. A
short resource list is included.
(HTH)
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Reproductions supplied by EDRS are the best that can be made
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U.S DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
Deice of Educational Rematch and linorovompnt
EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES INFORMATION
CCNTER (ERIC)
NAThis document has been reproduced as
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MATERIAL HAS BEEN GRANTED BY
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TO THE EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES
INFORMATION CENTER (ERIC"
Now to overcome difficulties
and have a happy family
2
kt,
flow to overcome difficulties
and have a happy family
Margaret Newman
New harbinger Publications
j
Publisher's Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard
to this subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not
engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If ex-
pert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should
be sought.
Distributed in the U.S.A. primarily by Publishers Group West; in Canada by Raincoast
Books; in Great Britain by Airlift Book Company, Ltd.; in South Africa by Real Books,
Ltd.; in Australia by Boobook; and in New Zealand by Tandem Press.
Copyright
1994 by Margaret Newman
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 93-086800
ISBN 1-879237-69-5 Paperback
ISBN 1-879237-70-9 Hardcover
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the
publisher.
Originally published by Doubleday in Australia and New Zealand, 1992.
Printed in the United States of America.
Jacket design by Jim Patton
Jacket illustration by Matt Foster Design
Text design by Gayle Zanca
Fiat New I larbinger printing, 19,1 -t, 5,000 copies
Second Nev Harbinger printing, 1994, 1,000 copic'
4
Dedicated to the children of stepfamilies and their parents,
stepparents and relatives.
it
Contents
ix
Acknowledgments
xii
Introduction
1
This isn't what I expected
1
An overview of stepfamily realities
9
It seems so complicated
2
Beginning to understand how stepfamilies work
19
Let's be one happy family
3
Individual differences and the force of
togetherness
33
Let me be me
4
The force of separateness in stepfamilies and the
search for self
49
Leave me alone
5
Boundaries and personal space in stepfamilies
65
It's how I've always done it
6
Individual habits, attitudes, values and rituals
that come into stepfamilies
79
It's all one big mess
7
Emotions in stepfamilies
95
I thought when we married ...
8
Spoken, unspoken and hidden contracts; family
rules
viii
Stepfamily Realities
He's my father not yours
9
111
Jealousy in stepfamilies
I'm not the oldest anymore
10
123
Birth-order characteristics and sibling
displacement
You're not my father
11
133
Discipline in stepfamilies
I'm walking a tightrope
12
153
Balancing acts in stepfamilies
Why don't I see Granny now?
13
173
The changed nature of relationships in
stepfamilies
Now we have one of our own
14
183
The biological child in the stepfamily
Mom, can't you leave him alone?
15
193
Sexuality in stepfamilies
Why do we fight over money?
16
205
Money issues in stepfamilies
I'll be honest with you
17
215
Assertive communication skills (Part 1)
Let's talk
18
227
Assertive communication skills (Part 2)
We get along well with each other now
19
243
The reality that stepfamily life can match your
dreams
Further reading
251
Index
253
7
Acknowledgments
theoreti-
First, I wish to acknowledge the contribution of the following
psychology,
cians, practitioners, authors and professionals to the field of
whose wis-
and in particular to marriage and family theory and therapy,
for his work
dom I have drawn upon in writing this book: Murray Bowen
his contribution to social psychology;
on the family; Alfred Adler for
Frederick
Gregory White and Paul Mullen for their research into jealousy;
interpersonal
Ford and Joan Herrick on family rules; Timothy Leary on
Miller, Elam
styles; Clifford Sager and associates on contracts and Sherod
the Minnesota
Nunnally and Daniel Wackman for the development of
Couples Communication program.
friend,
Second, I want to thank David Jansen, my husband, best
extra
business partner and stepfather to my children, who worked many
directors, to
hours at the Jansen Newman Institute of which we are both
I also gratefully ac-
compensate for my absence while writing this book.
development.
knowledge David's powerful influence on my professional
the manuscript
I extend my thanks to Joanna Walker, who produced
who provided
for presentation to the publisher; David and Denise Evans,
and Tony and
inspiration; my friends and colleagues Millicent Jones
writings and
Christine Irimingham, who took the time to read my initial
give valuable comment.
Marriage parti-
Over the years my clients, students and School of
about marriage, family
cipants have taught me so much of what I know
and stepfamily life. To them I also say thank you.
and Pamela,
Thank you, too, to my children Claire, Alison, Barbara
and continue, with
who, with me, have journeyed into stepfamily life
stepfamily.
David and me, to work on the process of blending our
Finch and Julie
Last, my thanks go the editor Liz Halley and Rex
and encouragement
Stanton of Transworld Publishers for their support
from beginning to end.
Introduction
this book on stepfamilies. As a
I was delighted to be asked to write
well as a member of
psychologist and marriage and family therapist, as
stepfamilies struggle with difficult and
a stepfamily, I know that many
members of stepfamilies
unique problems. The thought of speaking to
challenging and exciting.
through the pages of a book was very
contemplating leaving a first-
I have written this book for people
subsequent ones, and for the children
time marriage, those in second or
for extended family members.
that are thrust into these families, as well as
marriages is higher than
The failure rate of second (and subsequent)
indication that the road to hap-
that for first-time marriages. This is an
Stepparents seeking fulfillment
piness for a stepfamily is not an easy one.
disillusionment instead. Their
and joy in their new union often find
often experience difficul-
children and other family members, too, all too
life.
ties and unhappiness in stepfamily
professional life that infor-
Over the years I have discovered in my
which you will read about in this
mation I have shared with clients (and
about many of the issues and
book) has helped them gain understanding
understanding, when com-
difficulties that arise in their stepfamilies. This
frequently helped them get
bined with the learning of new skills, has
stepfamily life on track.
has its roots in concepts
Some of this information and understanding
by experienced family therapists,
and principles that have been developed
Research on the family over
psychologists and other such professionals.
for much of the material in this
the last 40 years has provided a basis
and practitioners who have
book. I am indebted tc many researchers
working with families and unravel-
given so unstintingly of their lives by
interaction.
ing some of the complexities of human
phenomena in all
There are instinctual forces and psychological
stepfamilies there are added
families that determine how they function. In
chaos, confusion and conflict.
complexities which often contribute to
xii
Stepfamily Realities
There are many questions that stepfamily
members ask and mostly these
go unanswered. Some of the most common
ones are:
Why does stepfamily life
so often fail to live up to the hopes
and dreams of the couple who initiate
it?
What happens in some stepfamilies
to make stepfamily life an
unhappy experience for
some, or all, of the members?
What is happening, on the other hand,
to make stepfamily life
a happy experience for others?
What do couples need to know to increase
their chances of creat-
ing a successful stepfamily?
Stepfamily Realities gives
a new perspective on why stepfamilies
"curdle" rather than "blend." You will discover
many hidden causes of
discomfort, gain an understanding of
unconscious forces that operate in
yourself and your family and learn how
to constructively change the way
your stepfamily functions. At times you might feel discouraged
and that
it's all too daunting. This is what it
means to face the realities of stepfamily
life!
In presenting these realities,
my sincere hope and intention is that
you will, however, believe that your stepfamily (and
you) can reap the
rewards of your learning. I hope that
you will be encouraged to keep on
going when it all seems too difficult. Many
people tell me they wonder
if it's worth staying in their second
or subsequent marriage. These are
the times when the going is tough and
there seems to be no hope for the
realization of earlier dreams.
To illustrate the various issues discussed
in this book, I have drawn
from the many experiences shared with
me by clients at the Jansen New-
man Institute (formerly the Relationship Developement
Centre). While all
the names used are fictitious and
some situations are rearranged for
reasons of privacy, all the stories are true experiences of stepfamily
life.
Stepfamily Realities encourages
you to believe that stepfamily life can
be a most rewarding experience. Many
people do find the joy they seek
but this usually does not happen by chance.
10