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ERIC ED369000: The Mother-Daughter Bond. PDF

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DOCUMENT RESUME CG 025 289 ED 369 000 Firestone, Robert W.; And Others AUTHOR The Mother-Daughter Bond. TITLE Glendon Association, Los Angeles, CA. INSTITUTION PUB DATE [93] NOTE 13p. Descriptive (141) Reports PUB TYPE MF01/PC01 Plus Postage. EDRS PRICE *Coping; *Daughters; Emotional Problems; Individual DESCRIPTORS Development; Life Events; *Mothers; *Parent Child Relationship; Parent Influence; S:o.f Actualization ABSTRACT Understanding the core issues of a woman's relationship with her mother can be beneficial to women striving for a more fulfilling life. Both men and women suffer some degree of damage in their early relationships with one or both parents, and the relationship which appears to have the strongest influence on a woman's life is often her relationship with her mother. Some factors accounting for the ongoing effects of this attachment are the mother's traditional role as primary caretaker, a strong identification between mother and daughter, and the woman's traditional posture of passivity and dependence which tends to be transmitted to her daughter. Despite the daughter's strong desire for love, sexual fulfillment, and a separate identity, she experiences intense feelings of guilt, separation anxiety, and fears of retaliation as she undergoes the process of individuation, thus moving away from her mother. Significant life events, such as marriage, pregnancy, motherhood, and career success tend to manifest regressive trends and anxiety in women which can interfere with their further development. However, understanding the dynamics of maternal ambivalence helps women to work through these developmental crises and has an ameliorative effect on their families. (CC) *********************************************************************** Reproductions supplied by EDRS are the best that can be made from the original document. *************k********************************************************* U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION Office of Educational Research and Improvement EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES INFORMATION CENTER (ERIC? C' This document has been reproduced as received from the person or organizahon originahng a C Minor changes nave been made to omprove reproduction qualey Points of view or opinions stated m this docu . ment do not necessarily represent official OEM position or pohcy -PERMISSION TO REPRODUCE THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN GRANTED BY THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND rsgc s- 7? NE by Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., Joyce Catlett, M.A., and Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. TO THE EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES INFORMATION CENTER (ERIC).- Los Angeles. California Each step in a woman's development toward independence and sexual maturity is accompanied by conflict. Despite her strong desire for love, sexual fulfillment, and a separate identity, she experiences intense feelings of guilt, separation anxiety, and fears of retaliation as she moves away from her mother. Anxiety and regressive trends are manifest in significant life events that lead to individuation, such as marriage. pregnancy. motherhood. and career success. Understandng the dynamics of maternal ambivalence, i.e., hostile as well a nurturing tendencies toward offspring, enables women to work through these developmental crises and has an ameliorative effect on the new family. A woman may hring any number of assets to parents. especially when the parents themselves have been deprived or limited by their own upbringing. marriagecompassion, wisdom, intelligence. The paper draws attention to negative aspects of skills, an imaginative spirit, delight-giving femi- the relationship that appears to have the strongest ninity. good humor, friendliness, pride in a job influence on a woman's lifeher relationship with well done her mother. Several factors account for the ongoing 1 Put if she does not bring emancipation from effects of this early attachment: ( I ) The mother's role her mother, the assets may wither or may be as primary caretaker still exists in our culture in spite overbalanced hy the liability of the fear of being of changes in the structure of contemporary nuclear a woman families: (2) A stronger identification exists between Joseph C. Rheingold (1964) mothers and daughters than between mothers and rhe sons: and (3) Until very recently, cultural prejudices Fear of-Being a Woman. have largely prevented women's full participation in (p. 451) social, economic, and political arenas. The traditional In order to place this paper in perspective, it is roles that women have been forced to accept have led necessary to introduce the concepts herein with the them to adopt a posture of dependency and passivity. following statements. First, despite the apparently which, in turn, they transmit to their daughters. controversial subject matter regarding women's rela- tionships with their mothers. the paper does not rep- A HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE ON WOMEN resent an anti-feminist viewpoint. To the contrary, One major influence in the lives of women is understanding the core issues in a woman's most that for centuries they have been subjugated by a significant relationship has been beneficial to women patriarchal society. Historically, most women ac- who are striving to fulfill themselves. Second, the locus of the paper is not repre- cepted the socially defined identity of being the "sec- ond sex.- and as a result of discrimination felt inca- sentative of a sexist point of view. To the contrary, the pable of actively determining the course of their own paper describes dynamics occurring in all relation- lives. The lack of access to real power led them to ships where individuals arc defended against close- adopt indirect or passive methods in attempting to ness and intitnacy. Will their human potentiality. The tendency to util- Both men and women suffer some degree ol ize passive-aggressive techniques is transmitted in- damage in their early relationships with one or both r,01; flak -rpm! 2 It he a F1i . )41 40 al 41010 F fact, these women are often very critical of their tergenerationally through the process of identifica- mother's inadequacies, negative characteristics, and fion and imitation. general style of relating. Indeed, the process of iden- The imprinting of these behavior patterns c..1 the daughter's personality through the mother's influ- tifying with and of introjecting withholding patterns is largely an unconscious phenomenon. Over a long ence as a role model is an important dynamic operat- period of time, the daughter's holding back of posi- ing in the lives of most women. When women break tive responses and pursuits becomes automatic and out of this traditional pattern or stereotype and sur- involuntary, and the pattern is repeated with her own pass their mothers, either personally or vocationally, children. they tend to experience considerable guilt, anxiety. Repercussions of the mother-daughter bond and fear of retaliation. These emotional reactions. in have a destructive effect on women's relationships turn, interfere with their further development and with the men in their lives and later on the children often precipitate regressive behavior. Women's strug- gles against thcse powerful internal forces have a in the new family. However, it is most important to emphasize the powerful limitation it imposes on each more debilitating effect on them than the economic woman's sense of self. Its stultifying impact on their or social restrictions that still exist in our culture. feelings of self-worth, achievement, and personal power is far greater than most clinicians realize. In THE CENTRAL ROLE OF THE MOTHER is compounded because this problem addition, In our culture, the function of the mother as the women tend to feel guilty, depressed. and demoral- primary caretaker of children is of the utmost signifi- ized to the extent that the symbiotic tie with their cance because it exerts a profound influence on the mothers interferes with their most intimate relation- psychological well-being of the family. Some degree ships. of frustration is inevitable in a child's early interac- In exploring this controversial, emotion-laden tions, because no parent can successfully anticipate topic. we hope that the reader will look at the subject the needs of another at all times. However, when this objectively, with feelings of empathy for both men frustration is compounded by immature or rejecting and women. Clinical analysis of data. combined with mothering. it leads to a combiliation of intense rage compassion, will help to prevent the misuse or mis- and emotional hunger in the child. These negative understanding of our data in the direction of anti-fe- feelings have no acceptable outlet and therefore male. anti-mother bias. or defensive sexist attitudes manifest themselves in self-hatred, the building of on the part of both men and women. We feel strongly defenses, passive aggression. and the withholding or that sexist attitudes and stereotypes applied to either holding back of positive, self-affirming responses. sex are psychologically damaging and are responsi- In the case of female offspring, where the iden- ble for a great deal of human misery. tification with the mother is strongest (Deutsch. 1944 ). the daughter's hurt or angry response is trans- UNDERLYING DYNAMICS OF THE fonned into a form of withholding that resembles the MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND mother's negative personality traits and defense pat- terns. Unfortunately, the defensive incorporation of In order to better understand the specific dynam- ics of the destructive tie between mother and daugh- maternal characteristics is heightened during times of ter, it is important to describe the concept of the stress and emotional pain. Therefore, in general. the fantasy bond. The concept is a basic tenet of the daughter tends to incorporate and compulsively act out her mother's most negative characteristics, traits author's theoretical approach and has been described that were not necessarily representative of her in a number of works (Firestone, 1984. 1985, 1987a, mother's personality as a whole. Paradoxically. the 1988). The fantasy bond is defined as an imaginary more the daughter resents the mother and suffers at connection and symbiotic tie with an object that acts as a compensation when there is a deficiency in her hand. the more she tends to imitate her behavior and attempts to fonn an Unaginary connection or emotional warmth and caring. The original fantasy bond with her. bond is formed under stress in an attempt to cope with the pain of emotional deprivation. separation, and It is important to note that women who have been deeply hurt in their relationships with withholding rejection in early life. The most primitive aspect of mothers do not the bond is the infant's fantasy or internal image of want to imitate them. In consciously The Glendon Association (310) 552-0431 2 3 symbiosis. Grown women, we find we have ma- being merged with the mother's body, most particu- nipulated ourselves out of our own sexuality. larly the breast (Firestone. 1984). This bond with the mother is later extended to the father and to the family Nancy Friday (1977) at large. The fantasy process. combined with self- (p. 83) My Mother/ My Self, nourishing habit patterns such as thumbsucking, The process of individuation, whereby children stroking and clinging to transitional objects, and mas- differentiate themselves from their increasingly turbation, acts as a form of self-parenting to alleviate mothers, occurs naturally throughout children's life- emotional pain. It fosters a feeling of pseudo-inde- times. Each step is generally accompanied by re- pendence. This bond or self-parenting process exists minders of existential aloneness and separateness. to some degree in every individual. The extent to The developmental task is characterized by feelings which individuals come to rely on this fantasy proc- of anxiety in children of both sexes. In the large of ess for gratification is proportional to the degree majority of family constellations, the son, in differ- deprivation. entiating himself from the mother, gradually shifts Other theorists have noted the prevalence of his identification to the father. The daughter remains destructive bonds in couple and family relationships. finely tuned to the mother. For their part. mothers HeIhnuth Kaiser. one of the first clinicians to write generally tend to identify with their daughters more about a "delusion of fusion." described it as the than with their sons. Genevie and Margolies (1987) universal symptom and delineated its manifestations report. for example, that: in therapy settings: Our findings show that mothers form this pri- As his adult intellect does not allow him to mary relationship more readily with their daugh- maintain an illusion of unity he I the patient I does of extensions view as they whom ters something which is a compromise between fu- themselves: more dependent, more emotional, sion and mature relationship: Namely. he be- more bonded by the primary mother-child tie. haves either submissively or domineeringly. (p. 291) (Cited in Fierman. 1965. p. xix) Each step in a woman's development toward Willi (1975/1982). Wexler and Steidl Jurg sexual maturity is filled with conflict. She is torn 11978), Mark Karpel (1976), R. D. Laing (1969/ between expressing her love and sexual desire in 1972). and Murray Bowen (1976) have pointed out relation to a man, which she perceives as a separation various dimensions of destructive bond formation in from her mother, and holding back these responses, their work. They contributed to our understanding of which affirms the maternal connection. Furthermore. anxious attachment and its implications for marriage retali- as she matures. the daughter may actually fear and hunily life. The authors have learned to distin- ation from the mother for seeking adult sexual fulfill- guish between maternal responses that are genuinely ment. In my own clinical work. I have found that both loving and maternal reactions that are based on im- separation anxiety and fear of the mother's envy or maturity and emotional hunger toward children. The vindictiveness are experienced by women at crucial latter have a very destructive effect on children's ego points in their sexual development. In his book. The development, capacity for rezlity testing. and emo- Joseph C. Rheingold Mother. Anxiety. and Death, tional maturation. (1967) has drawn attention to this aspect of the sepa- ration-individuation process as it affects women: ANXIETY AROUSED BY SEPARATING FROM THE MATERNAL BOND In the psychopathology of women one regu- We offer men our bodies if they will marry us: larly discovers an association of the masochistic afterward. we arc mystified because we are less or hostile dependent kind of relationship with the What we interested in sex now that he is "ours mother and the fear of mutilation and annihilation wanted all along wasn't sex. but closeness. punishment for feminine self-fulfillmentin- Mother most rewarded us with syngtotu. lore deed, for just being a female. (p. 96) when we denied our sexuality Ilta lies added I. In an earlier work. Rheingold (1964) contended Sex, even with its intimate pleasures. becomes that most young girls are terrified of the mother's merely a means to ail end: nothing is sweeter than (310) 552-0431 3 The Glendon Association wzgression. However, we do not deny the importance feelings of hostility and jealousy, and. as a result, they attempt to turn to the father for protection. However. of Rheingold's interpretation that fear of the mother's retaliation is an important causative factor as well. this move toward the father is similarly fraught with Rheingold's interpretations of his fmdings are danger because of the mother's envy, and the girl consistent with the hypotheses my associates and I retreats once again. In Between Women: Lowering the have derived from clinical material. It has been our Barriers. Paula Caplan (1981) describes how daugh- experience that most women do indeed remain their ters often adjust to their mother's envy: "mother's daughter," bound to the mother not by It is a heavy burden to feel envied by one's natural affection, but by fears of aloneness or vindic- mother. This is especially true because anger so tive retaliation. often accompanies envy.... How does a daughter For other perspectives on maternal ambivalence. deal with her mother's competitiveness with her see Of Woman Born (Rich, 1976) and Mother Love: or jealousy of her accomplishments? Often, she Myth and Reality (Badinter. 1980/1981). Ms. Rich does one of two things (or tries both at different explores her ambivalent feelings about motherhood times): she reduces her efforts to achieve (or at and toward her children in a personal journal. Dr. least begins to conceal them from her motheri. Bldinter documents the varying forms of maternal and she puts emotional or physical distance be- indifference, cruelty. dissatisfaction, and affection tween herself and her mother. (p. 120) over the past four centuries of French history. In describing adolescent girls who have already Guilt about Separating from begun to renounce their sexual identity in order to the Maternal Bond appease their mother's anger. Rheingold (19M) wrote: A self-denying mother arouses powerful feelings We ohserve many more girls who exhibit the of guilt in her children. By denying herself gratifica- "mutilated- state that becomes so distinctive in tion, fulfillment, or sexual pleasure a woman not only adolescence and adult life. They wear a hurt. hurts herself, she also imposes subtle restrictions on her daughter's life. Her daughter, out of a sense of intimidated look, seem burdened with distrust and guilt. and show not a trace of femininity or guilt, will turn her back on her own development and any other kind of self-affirmation. (p. 266) retreat from an adult, womanly posture. This guilt becomes more evident as young As a clinician. Rheingold demonstrated an un- women take tentative steps toward independence or usual understanding of the conflict that prevails in move away from emotional ties with the family. In women throughout their lives. On the one hand. the case of the adolescent girl. the guilt involved in women desi 'exual fulfillment and independence: breaking away or "leaving her mother behind" is yet, at the same time. they are drawn hack to the often intense and debilitating, especially when her mother through fear of her retaliatory powers: mother is depressed. self-hating, self-destructive, or The girl has no choice hut to enter lino the childlike in her orientation. rivalry.... The threat of retaliation. however. I event uall vj forces her to abandon her aspirations Manifestations of the Daughter's Guilt (to he a better wife than mother) and surrounds in Her Adutt Life all women-roles with danger. (p. 267) As noted earlier, the children of mothers who A woman begins fleeing her mother in early withhold feelings of love suffer from unsatisfied childhood and never ceases trying to deliver her- longings, emotional hunger. and rage at being re- .elf from the psychic bond to her.... The drives to jected. Children. and later adults (of both sexes), attain treedom never succeed.... She is always her generally feel guilty about feelings of hostility to- mother's daughter. (p. 272) ward their parents and frequently turn their rage The authors emphasize that women's retreat against themselves. rom mature sexuality is primarily affected by their The daughter's guilt about the anger she feels desire to hold onto a dependency bond or connection toward her mother causes her to hate herself. When she is forced to renounce the loving feelings she with the mother rather than their lear of the mother's The Glendon Association (310) 552-0431 4 In early sessions. Carol. an unusually percep- originally felt toward her mother (the most important tive and intelligent person. rapidly gained emo- person in her life), she becomes disoriented and re- tional and intellectual insight into the dynamics sentful. As a young girl, she learned by observation of the relationship with her mother. Carol spoke and imitation to he like her mother and feels strange in her therapy group about her mother's rejection or uncomfortable when she is different from her role of her father and her need to control family model. members. hi addition, she noted her mother's Guilt reactions cause women to turn their backs sexualized involvement with dependent and in- on important personal and vocational goals if these gratiating women. Altogether. her insight was pursuits differ from or threaten to surpass their moth- clear, compassionate. and powerful. ers' achievements. For example. a study by Jill Suitor (1987) reported empirical data indicating guilt reac- During this period. Carol gradually unfolded as tions in women who surpassed their mothers' level of a woman. Her previously drab. unfeminine ap- education. Kim Chernin (1985). in The Hungry Self pearance and quiet reserve were replaced by a (a study of eating disorders). also commented on her brightness. vitality, and lively sense of humor. observations of guilty women: Gradually she developed a stronger sense of identity as a sexual woman, in stark contrast to The contrast for most women between their life her mother's asexual orientation. Carol moved of possibility and their mother 's life of limitations out of the family home into her own apartment continues to haunt them through every stage of and decided to pursue an advanced degree in growth and development, making separation a psychology. She lost weight. began to dress perilous matter. for it involves inevitably this stylishly, and for the first time became involved problem of surpassing a woman who must. in her in a sexual relationship with a man for whom she lonely sense of failure at life, perceive the daugh- cared a great deal. ter's movement imo the world as a betrayal and abandonment of thc identity they share. At this point in her therapy. Carol appeared on (pp. 57-58) the threshold of changing deep character de- fenses of submission and catering to her mother. In our experience. we have found that women attitudes she had extended to other women who manifest intense guilt reactions when they achieve served as symbolic substitutes for her mother. success in areas where their mothers failed. and often compensate by regrming in other areas. This is a One day. Carol's mother visited her at her apart- primary factor contributing to women sabotaging ment, and the patient found herself excited by their successes and achievements. The fol lowing case discussing her career plans and some of the in- history illustrates long-term regressions that can oc- sights she had gained in the course of her therapy. cur when women develop personally and vocation- She was totally unprepared for her mother's an- ally and symbolically leave the mother by leading Stunned. Carol listened as her gry reaction. different or "better- lives. mother unleashed an irrational diatribe against her and her therapist for his "had" influence on After a year of individual therapy. Carol B.. a her. At first Carol attempted to defend her point serious. reserved young woman of 24. began to of view: however, the combination of her question her mother's authority and challenge mother's hysterical anger and tears effectively her image as the "perfect" mother. Carol's mother brought Carol "back Into line." The next day was a highly respected chairperson of the history Carol spent hours on the phone reassuring her department at a nearby college. She had divorced mother and reestablishing the bond with her. the patient's father when Carol was 3 years old. The mother moved in a large social circle ol Already torn by guilt about achieving more women associates and friends. Her current life satisfaction in her personal life than her mother, was completely devoid of male companionFlup the patient was unable to recover her good feel- and, according to the patient. her mother spoke ings after the incident. She began to deny or id men with derision and bitterness. repress the insights she had gained in the:apy. She "forgot" important perceptions she had about her (310) 552-0431 The Glendon Association 5 Women's Guilt in Relation to mother's controlling posture and destructive role Symbolic Substitutes in the family. She lost sight of her mother's manipulation through weakness and negative Female anxiety and guilt about ambitious striv- power. ings and the exercise of competence are so ubiq- uitous that the "fear of success" syndrome has It was disheartening for those who knew Carol become a household word. (Lerner, 1988. p.195) to see the rapid deterioration in her self-confi- dence following the meeting with her mother. Many women not only fear the loss of the mother Several weeks later. Carol dropped out of her but have the same reactions to symbolic substitutes therapy group. Some time later. she terminated in their present-day lives. We found that women take individual therapy and gradually withdrew from their cues from other women in their surroundings in the relationship with the man whom she had terms of their emotional state or their tendencies to planned to marry. be self-denying. Rather than compete with another woman who is depressed or distant from the man in In turning against her realistic perception of her her life, a woman is more likely to withdraw and mother's hostility and inadequacy, the patient become self-denying herself. She is often too guilty suffered a serious regression. Eight years later. a to sepame herself from less fortunate women and follow-up showed that Clrol had put on a great maintain her own pursuit of sexual fulfillment or deal of weight and had retreated from relation- other personal goals. She tends to respond adversely ships with men. She still lived alonephysically to unconscious social pressure exerted by other separate from her mother, yet emotionally tied to women who have given up their active pursuit of her. goals. When the women in her interpersonal environ- This case is not unusual. We have documented ment act weak and defensive, it has a detrimental numerous cases similar to the one just described. effect on her personal life and goal-directed activities. Guilt reactions precipitated by breaking "bom.s Most women are afraid to be nonconformists, often predispose serious regressions (Firestone. that is. to stand out from the "sisterhood.- For exam- 1987b). For exiunple. a patient who was progressing ple. the stereotyped attitudes toward men expressed well in therapy and changing her hostile. suspicious by women in neighborhood meetings over coffee or views of men received a phone call from her sister. in office settings are rarely, if ever, challenged by The sister. who was seriously disturbed psychologi- women who disagree. Cynical and/or condescending cally and cynical toward men, had played a signifi- views about men are accepted as foregone conclu- cant role in raising our ptient and meant a great deal sions by many women, who use this forum to verbal- to her. After the patient told her sister about her ize attitudes that justify their withdrawal and with- progress and her hopeful outlook, she asked her sister holding. Moreover, there is increasing social pressure how she was feeling. The sister's bitter reply was: from the media and literature supporting a sexist. "You really want to know? I'll tell you how I feel prejudicial view of men that holds them accountable feel like killing myself.- Her I'm so depressed I for women's dissatisfaction in marriage and life 'm sister's response acted to turn this patient against general. This distorted societal view, in turn, exerts a herse I f. strong pull on each woman to feel victimized or Within a week of this unpleasant call, this pa- exploited by men. tient. tom by unbearable guilt feelings about her sister's misery, suddenly left her boyfriend and re- SIGNIFICANT EVENTS THAT AROUSE sumed an isolated life-style. It was literally impossi- ANXIETY AND GUILT IN WOMEN ble for her to tolerate her guilt about the contrast AND THEIR EFFECTS between her own happiness and her sister's depres- sion and hatred of men. She refused to break the bond Marriage with her sister, and instead sacrificed her own pur- Just as the fate of personality development suits. It is both shocking and disturbing how powerful hangs largely on the effect of mother on child, so. these contacts can be in leading to regressive behav- I believe, the fate of a marriage hangs largely on ior when a person has a fragile new identity. the effect of wife on husband.... Overwhelmingly The Glendon Association (310) 552-0431 6 on their own point of view when the women in their the flow of crt.cial influence is from the woman lives are unresponsive. depressed. or self-hating, in to the man, requiring adaptation or defense on his order to maintain the bond. part. (Rheingold. 1964. pp. 421-422) Rheingold (1964) suggested that the degsee of The concept of marriage has very different un- maternal destructiveness that was present in a conscious significance for men and women. For woman's relationship with her mother is the single women. movement toward sexual intimacy with a most reliable predictor of the success of her marriage. man threatens the mother-daughter bond and symbol- He stresses the fact that marriage once again arouses izes a step away from the mother and a loss of the a woman's fear of her mother. a familiar sense of hope of ever satisfying their longing for maternal dread that she has lived with since infancy. love. For men, marriage symbtilizes the fulfillment Marriage is a crisis for the woman.... Next to of their desire for close. affectionate contact with the pregnancy and becoming a mother, marriage mother that they have longed for since early child- poses the gseatest threat because it represents two hood. For this reason. men and women have a conflict bold acts of self-assertion: assuming the status of of interest and are unconsciously at odds with each the married woman and entering into a publicly other after the early stages of their relationship. announced heterosexual relationship. (p. 437) Rheingold's (1964) thesis supports the authors' views of this basic difference and its impact on the Most women sacrifice their sexuality in order to couple's relationship: -This initiall level of compati- hold on to the mother and relieve their unconscious bility is not...long maintained because marriage at- fears of punishment. In this sense. they are fearful of tempts to integrate mutually alien worlds of being. becoming mature women. When this happens, that of the man and that of the woman- (p. 423). women take on a sameness with the mother that Both extensions of the bond with the mother are makes them hate themselves. Their goals and per- unhealthy. It is ironic that women are drawn to mar- sonal relationships are contaminated by fedings of riage as an imitation of their mother, yet at the same unsatisfied emotional hunger. and their feeling for the ume they lea this movement toward further indi- men in their lives is distorted. viduation and see their independent actions and ma- Indeed. rather than cope with the separation ture expressions of sexuality as replacing the mother. anxiety and guilt inherent in moving away from the Their attitudes toward marriage are necessarily am- mother, many women find themselves experiencing bivalent. Their defenses alienate them from men and a renewed closeness with their mothers following the predispose a destructive bond in place of genuine wedding ceremony. Nancy Friday (1977) commented intimacy. on this "reunion- in My MotherIMy Self This statement should not be construed as being a denial ot the destructive effect that men can have The truth is that in marriage we become the little girl who once took down the cookie sheet and on women and on the marriage. Men who have been imitated mommy. We also become mommy.... damaged in their sexuality can develop a variety of We do not mean to ally with her, but whose personality disorders or dysfunctional styles of relat- suindards are we living up to when we give up ing. Many men, for extunple. become desperate. de- our identity? Did he ask it of us? (p. 345) pendent. and possessive of their mates. Others cut off their feelings. becoming distant and uncommunica- tive: still others develop compensatory feelings of In her interviews with over 2(X) men and women, Ms. Friday reported that the majority of the wives vanity and demand a build-up from their partners. imitated their mother's style of relating. Men also tend to act out aspects of the bond with their mother in their relationship with their mates. Many women who profess goals of future mar- exerting a negative impact on the marriage. They riage and family tend to be disturbed at the actual prospect of becoming involved in a long-term rela- interpret their partner's positive or negative sexual responses as symbolic of the mothering they are tionship with a man or the thought of having a child. In our clinical experience, we are familiar with count- unconsciously seeking. Many men behave in a child- like manner in relation to their mates, seeking defini- less cases where women reported having perverse or angry responses to acknowledgments of love from tion, and are either submissive or domineering. Often they are emotionally hungry and willing to sell out men whom they love.ln one instance, a woman was The Glendon Assoclatlon (310) 552-0431 7 shocked at the sarcasm she expressed in reaction to The production of a normal child is a major goal her boyfriend's talking about his wish to make a of most women. Yet most pregnant women have serious commitment to the relationship. The couple or hidden fears that the infant may be abnormal had just spent a romantic evening together when the reveal some 4' their own secret inner weaknesses man spoke sincerely of his growing desire to marry [italics added I. (p. 42) and start a family. As the couple talked about the Dr. Berry Brazelton (1973). a well-known pedia- possibility of having children, the woman suddenly trician and child developmentalist, observed that: you'll have to take care of burst out angrily: "Well, Prenatal interviews lin a psychoanalytic imer- the kids. too: I'm not going to do it alone!" Both people were startled by this uncharacteris- view setting] with normal primiparas [first-time mothers]....uncovered anxiety often tic response. In retrospect. they were painfully aware which that this "slip of the tongue" had been a portent of seemed to be of pathological proportions.... The things to come. After the couple married and had a unconscious material was so loaded and so dis- family, this woman became increasingly hostile to- torted. so near the surface, that before delivery ward her husband and progressively withheld feel- one felt an ominous direction for making a pre- diction about the women's capacity to adjust to ings of affection. despite the fact that he was sensitive to, and involved with, the children. Her angry out- the role of mothering. (p. 260) burst as well as her subsequent behavior represented Rheingold (1957) observed similar phenomena a direct imitation of her mother's point of view ihat in well over 2.500 cases of pregnant women he "taking care" of a husband and children was an treated during a 10-year experimental study. He overwhelming burden. found that the mother's ambivalence usually contin- ued unabated long after the child was born, although Becoming a Mother the more negative aspects were either completely Having a child of one's own is in itself the forgotten or partially repressed. He suggested that ultimate fulfillment of womanhood. Nonetheless. it even "normal" mothers transmit their basic cmilict symholires a separation from or a release of onCs about being a mother and their repressed hostility to their infant, instilling in the child a deep sense of own mother, which can arouse congiderahk anxiety. Becoming a mother implies a permanent loss of one's anxiety and insecurity. mother. Starting a new family effectively signals the Psychoanalyst Dorothy Bloch (1985) found that end of childhood, causing many women to cling to all children have a predisposition to fear infanticide dependent, childlike patterns of behavior during the and that these fears vary only in their intensity. In her pregnancy and following the birth of the baby. Con- (Bloch. 1978), she book. So the Witch Won't Eat Me ventional views of women's helplessness and need states: "Once I began to probe the function of chil- lor protection dufing pregnancy generally support a dren's fantasies. it became apparent that they were a woman's return to dependency and self-indulgence means of survival and defended the children against during this critical period. Yet. soon after the baby is their fear of infanticide" (p. 13). born, there is a complete change in the emotiona Postpartum Disturbances. Regression during pregnancy generally continues until delivery, when climate. Now the woman is expected to take care of and nurture the baby. The abrupt change from being there is either movement toward recovery or a more taken care of to being a caretaker may foster a wide pronounced regression. The dynamics of postpartum range of regressive behaviors and is a significant depression indicate intense emotional reactions to the factor in postpartum depression. sudden shift from a childlike mode to the reality and Fear and Unconscious Hostility in Pregnant responsibilities of being a parent. These depressive Women. Klaus and Kennell (1976). well-known de- reactions sometimes reach psychotic proportions. In a case report. Rosberg and Karon (1959) velopmental psychologists, have suggested that preg- nant women have many fears that form the basis for described in depth a classic example of postpartum the wide vanat ion in the quality of the mother-infant psychosis. A number of important factors in this case relat ion. relate to our own findings: ( I ) It became clear though analysis that the woman's husband had, in many ways, replaced her mother as the center of her cmo- The Glendon Association (310) 552-0431 8 My sister had a similar experience that was tional life (the primary feeder). (2) Sexuality was even more uncanny. When she had her first baby. symbolic of oral gratification (vagina/mouth: pe- my mother visited for a week to help her out. My nis/breast: semen/milk). (Comparable use of oral sister tried and tried to breast-feed her baby. but symbolism has been described in the analysis of less she couldn't. She had no milk and finally after disturbed individuals. Silverberg (1952) and Klein trying everything, she had to put her baby on a (1948/1964) reporte(1 dreams and fantasies of neu- formu la. The very day my mother left, my sister's rotic patients indicating that many people represent milk "came in- and she was able to breast-feed. sexual functions in terms of oral symbolism.) (3) It's interesting, because my mother couldn't Pregnancy represented a symbolic solution to frustra- breast-feed me. And I have brothers who are tion on an oral level. The physical changes that were much younger than I am. and so I remember manifested signified oral gratification (stomach filled watching her trying to hreast-feed them. One with milk). (4) The actual childbirth represented a scene I remember clearly was when I was 7 years catastrophic loss of gratification and a premature old, standing in the doorway. and my mother demand to feed another. This series of hypotheses holding my baby brother and trying to feed him. casts light on some of the unexplained characteristics Her milk would flow until the baby would start of postpartum disorders. to suck, and then it would stopthat's how with- One further complication that often occurs at the holding she was. time immediately after the delivery, when mother and child return home. is the appearance of the mother's I remember my father being angry at her for mother on the scene. This occurrence generally tend.s what she was doing. He just couldn't help being to precipitate regressive trends in the new mother. angry. He saw it right in front of him, that she Instead of relieving anxiety, it often causes additional wouldn't feed the baby. I remember standing tension. I wanted to turn I didn't want to see it. there: Early Feeding Experiences. Helene Deutsch around and walk out of the room, hut my feet 4 (1945). in her classic work. The Psychology were fro/en. I couldn't move: I was just frozen Women. tohone 2. has suggested that the nursing standing there staring at that scene. mother may regard her child as an enemy and his/her oral needs as aggressions. More importantly, she may OTHER ISSUES IN THE also fear her own aggressive reactions to her infant PSYCHOLOGY OF WOMEN and may therefore fail in her attempt to breast-feed him/her in order to escape the situation and protect Sexual Components in the Early the child against her aggression. We have interviewed Maternal-Child Attachment a number of mothers who reported that they resented feeding their in !ants. Several mothers revealed that In our work. we have observed that the majority they had initially enjoyed breast-feeding. but soon of women reported that they were physically and found themselves giving up what had been a pleasur- even sexually attracted to other women. This basic able experience for them, often for no apparent rea- attraction appeared to be based on the early need for :;on. affection and physical comfort from the mother. a For exainple. a woman stopped breast-feeding part of the child's earliest feelings. These feelings her three-month-old infant daughter following her represented a natural attraction and did not appear to mother's visit. Later, in a parenting group, she re- he a signal or sign of abnormality. called that her mother was unable to hreast-feed her Many clinicians have reported that inhibitions or her younger brothers (Parr. 1987): against a baby (laughter's expressions of affection toward the mother are stronger than against the son's. When in daughter was months old and my For this reason, the daughter's initial attraction to the I was too embarrassed to parents came to visit. mother can be frustrated early in the relationship. breast-I eed in I ron«if my mother. R ight after that. "lWomen'sl feelings for their baby daughters may tuarre reason to stop breast-feed- I thought ot frighten them if they label them sexual. This can lead ing. that it would be better for her to be on a bottle. mothers to limit their physical contacts with their So I stopped breast-leeding without ever making young daughters severely," (Caplan. 1981, p. 59). the connection that it followed that visit. (310) 552-0431 The Glendon Association 9 1 0

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