ERIC ED369000: The Mother-Daughter Bond.

13 Pages·1993·0.43 MB·English

by  ERIC

DOCUMENT RESUME
CG 025 289
ED 369 000
Firestone, Robert W.; And Others
AUTHOR
The Mother-Daughter Bond.
TITLE
Glendon Association, Los Angeles, CA.
INSTITUTION
PUB DATE
[93]
NOTE
13p.
Descriptive (141)
Reports
PUB TYPE
MF01/PC01 Plus Postage.
EDRS PRICE
*Coping; *Daughters; Emotional Problems; Individual
DESCRIPTORS
Development; Life Events; *Mothers; *Parent Child
Relationship; Parent Influence; S:o.f Actualization
ABSTRACT
Understanding the core issues of a woman's
relationship with her mother can be beneficial to women striving for
a more fulfilling life. Both men and women suffer some degree of
damage in their early relationships with one or both parents, and the
relationship which appears to have the strongest influence on a
woman's life is often her relationship with her mother. Some factors
accounting for the ongoing effects of this attachment are the
mother's traditional role as primary caretaker, a strong
identification between mother and daughter, and the woman's
traditional posture of passivity and dependence which tends to be
transmitted to her daughter. Despite the daughter's strong desire for
love, sexual fulfillment, and a separate identity, she experiences
intense feelings of guilt, separation anxiety, and fears of
retaliation as she undergoes the process of individuation, thus
moving away from her mother. Significant life events, such as
marriage, pregnancy, motherhood, and career success tend to manifest
regressive trends and anxiety in women which can interfere with their
further development. However, understanding the dynamics of maternal
ambivalence helps women to work through these developmental crises
and has an ameliorative effect on their families. (CC)
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U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
Office of Educational Research and Improvement
EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES INFORMATION
CENTER (ERIC?
C' This document has been reproduced as
received from the person or organizahon
originahng a
C Minor changes nave been made to omprove
reproduction qualey
Points of view or opinions stated m this docu .
ment do not necessarily represent official
OEM position or pohcy
-PERMISSION TO REPRODUCE THIS
MATERIAL HAS BEEN GRANTED BY
THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND
rsgc
s- 7? NE
by Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., Joyce Catlett, M.A.,
and Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
TO THE EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES
INFORMATION CENTER (ERIC).-
Los Angeles. California
Each step in a woman's development toward independence and sexual maturity is accompanied by
conflict. Despite her strong desire for love, sexual fulfillment, and a separate identity, she experiences
intense feelings of guilt, separation anxiety, and fears of retaliation as she moves away from her mother.
Anxiety and regressive trends are manifest in significant life events that lead to individuation, such as
marriage. pregnancy. motherhood. and career success.
Understandng the dynamics of maternal ambivalence, i.e., hostile as well a nurturing tendencies
toward offspring, enables women to work through these developmental crises and has an ameliorative
effect on the new family.
A woman may hring any number of assets to
parents. especially when the parents themselves have
been deprived or limited by their own upbringing.
marriagecompassion, wisdom, intelligence.
The paper draws attention to negative aspects of
skills, an imaginative spirit, delight-giving femi-
the relationship that appears to have the strongest
ninity. good humor, friendliness, pride in a job
influence on a woman's lifeher relationship with
well done
her mother. Several factors account for the ongoing
1 Put if she does not bring emancipation from
effects of this early attachment: ( I ) The mother's role
her mother, the assets may wither or may be
as primary caretaker still exists in our culture in spite
overbalanced hy the liability of the fear of being
of changes in the structure of contemporary nuclear
a woman
families: (2) A stronger identification exists between
Joseph C. Rheingold (1964)
mothers and daughters than between mothers and
rhe
sons: and (3) Until very recently, cultural prejudices
Fear of-Being a Woman.
have largely prevented women's full participation in
(p. 451)
social, economic, and political arenas. The traditional
In order to place this paper in perspective, it is
roles that women have been forced to accept have led
necessary to introduce the concepts herein with the
them to adopt a posture of dependency and passivity.
following statements. First, despite the apparently
which, in turn, they transmit to their daughters.
controversial subject matter regarding women's rela-
tionships with their mothers. the paper does not rep-
A HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE ON WOMEN
resent an anti-feminist viewpoint. To the contrary,
One major influence in the lives of women is
understanding the core issues in a woman's most
that for centuries they have been subjugated by a
significant relationship has been beneficial to women
patriarchal society. Historically, most women ac-
who are striving to fulfill themselves.
Second, the locus of the paper is not repre-
cepted the socially defined identity of being the "sec-
ond sex.- and as a result of discrimination felt inca-
sentative of a sexist point of view. To the contrary, the
pable of actively determining the course of their own
paper describes dynamics occurring in all relation-
lives. The lack of access to real power led them to
ships where individuals arc defended against close-
adopt indirect or passive methods in attempting to
ness and intitnacy.
Will their human potentiality. The tendency to util-
Both men and women suffer some degree ol
ize passive-aggressive techniques is transmitted in-
damage in their early relationships with one or both
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fact, these women are often very critical of their
tergenerationally through the process of identifica-
mother's inadequacies, negative characteristics, and
fion and imitation.
general style of relating. Indeed, the process of iden-
The imprinting of these behavior patterns c..1 the
daughter's personality through the mother's influ-
tifying with and of introjecting withholding patterns
is largely an unconscious phenomenon. Over a long
ence as a role model is an important dynamic operat-
period of time, the daughter's holding back of posi-
ing in the lives of most women. When women break
tive responses and pursuits becomes automatic and
out of this traditional pattern or stereotype and sur-
involuntary, and the pattern is repeated with her own
pass their mothers, either personally or vocationally,
children.
they tend to experience considerable guilt, anxiety.
Repercussions of the mother-daughter bond
and fear of retaliation. These emotional reactions. in
have a destructive effect on women's relationships
turn, interfere with their further development and
with the men in their lives and later on the children
often precipitate regressive behavior. Women's strug-
gles against thcse powerful internal forces have a
in the new family. However, it is most important to
emphasize the powerful limitation it imposes on each
more debilitating effect on them than the economic
woman's sense of self. Its stultifying impact on their
or social restrictions that still exist in our culture.
feelings of self-worth, achievement, and personal
power is far greater than most clinicians realize. In
THE CENTRAL ROLE OF THE MOTHER
is compounded because
this problem
addition,
In our culture, the function of the mother as the
women tend to feel guilty, depressed. and demoral-
primary caretaker of children is of the utmost signifi-
ized to the extent that the symbiotic tie with their
cance because it exerts a profound influence on the
mothers interferes with their most intimate relation-
psychological well-being of the family. Some degree
ships.
of frustration is inevitable in a child's early interac-
In exploring this controversial, emotion-laden
tions, because no parent can successfully anticipate
topic. we hope that the reader will look at the subject
the needs of another at all times. However, when this
objectively, with feelings of empathy for both men
frustration is compounded by immature or rejecting
and women. Clinical analysis of data. combined with
mothering. it leads to a combiliation of intense rage
compassion, will help to prevent the misuse or mis-
and emotional hunger in the child. These negative
understanding of our data in the direction of anti-fe-
feelings have no acceptable outlet and therefore
male. anti-mother bias. or defensive sexist attitudes
manifest themselves in self-hatred, the building of
on the part of both men and women. We feel strongly
defenses, passive aggression. and the withholding or
that sexist attitudes and stereotypes applied to either
holding back of positive, self-affirming responses.
sex are psychologically damaging and are responsi-
In the case of female offspring, where the iden-
ble for a great deal of human misery.
tification with the mother is strongest (Deutsch.
1944 ). the daughter's hurt or angry response is trans-
UNDERLYING DYNAMICS OF THE
fonned into a form of withholding that resembles the
MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND
mother's negative personality traits and defense pat-
terns. Unfortunately, the defensive incorporation of
In order to better understand the specific dynam-
ics of the destructive tie between mother and daugh-
maternal characteristics is heightened during times of
ter, it is important to describe the concept of the
stress and emotional pain. Therefore, in general. the
fantasy bond. The concept is a basic tenet of the
daughter tends to incorporate and compulsively act
out her mother's most negative characteristics, traits
author's theoretical approach and has been described
that were not necessarily representative of her
in a number of works (Firestone, 1984. 1985, 1987a,
mother's personality as a whole. Paradoxically. the
1988). The fantasy bond is defined as an imaginary
more the daughter resents the mother and suffers at
connection and symbiotic tie with an object that acts
as a compensation when there is a deficiency in
her hand. the more she tends to imitate her behavior
and attempts to fonn an Unaginary connection or
emotional warmth and caring. The original fantasy
bond with her.
bond is formed under stress in an attempt to cope with
the pain of emotional deprivation. separation, and
It is important to note that women who have been
deeply hurt in their relationships with withholding
rejection in early life. The most primitive aspect of
mothers do not
the bond is the infant's fantasy or internal image of
want to imitate them. In
consciously
The Glendon Association
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symbiosis. Grown women, we find we have ma-
being merged with the mother's body, most particu-
nipulated ourselves out of our own sexuality.
larly the breast (Firestone. 1984). This bond with the
mother is later extended to the father and to the family
Nancy Friday (1977)
at large. The fantasy process. combined with self-
(p. 83)
My Mother/ My Self,
nourishing habit patterns such as thumbsucking,
The process of individuation, whereby children
stroking and clinging to transitional objects, and mas-
differentiate themselves from their
increasingly
turbation, acts as a form of self-parenting to alleviate
mothers, occurs naturally throughout children's life-
emotional pain. It fosters a feeling of pseudo-inde-
times. Each step is generally accompanied by re-
pendence. This bond or self-parenting process exists
minders of existential aloneness and separateness.
to some degree in every individual. The extent to
The developmental task is characterized by feelings
which individuals come to rely on this fantasy proc-
of anxiety in children of both sexes. In the large
of
ess for gratification is proportional to the degree
majority of family constellations, the son, in differ-
deprivation.
entiating himself from the mother, gradually shifts
Other theorists have noted the prevalence of
his identification to the father. The daughter remains
destructive bonds in couple and family relationships.
finely tuned to the mother. For their part. mothers
HeIhnuth Kaiser. one of the first clinicians to write
generally tend to identify with their daughters more
about a "delusion of fusion." described it as the
than with their sons. Genevie and Margolies (1987)
universal symptom and delineated its manifestations
report. for example, that:
in therapy settings:
Our findings show that mothers form this pri-
As his adult intellect does not allow him to
mary relationship more readily with their daugh-
maintain an illusion of unity he I the patient I does
of
extensions
view
as
they
whom
ters
something which is a compromise between fu-
themselves: more dependent, more emotional,
sion and mature relationship: Namely. he be-
more bonded by the primary mother-child tie.
haves either submissively or domineeringly.
(p. 291)
(Cited in Fierman. 1965. p. xix)
Each step in a woman's development toward
Willi (1975/1982). Wexler and Steidl
Jurg
sexual maturity is filled with conflict. She is torn
11978), Mark Karpel (1976), R. D. Laing (1969/
between expressing her love and sexual desire in
1972). and Murray Bowen (1976) have pointed out
relation to a man, which she perceives as a separation
various dimensions of destructive bond formation in
from her mother, and holding back these responses,
their work. They contributed to our understanding of
which affirms the maternal connection. Furthermore.
anxious attachment and its implications for marriage
retali-
as she matures. the daughter may actually fear
and hunily life. The authors have learned to distin-
ation from the mother for seeking adult sexual fulfill-
guish between maternal responses that are genuinely
ment. In my own clinical work. I have found that both
loving and maternal reactions that are based on im-
separation anxiety and fear of the mother's envy or
maturity and emotional hunger toward children. The
vindictiveness are experienced by women at crucial
latter have a very destructive effect on children's ego
points in their sexual development. In his book.
The
development, capacity for rezlity testing. and emo-
Joseph C. Rheingold
Mother. Anxiety. and Death,
tional maturation.
(1967) has drawn attention to this aspect of the sepa-
ration-individuation process as it affects women:
ANXIETY AROUSED BY SEPARATING
FROM THE MATERNAL BOND
In the psychopathology of women one regu-
We offer men our bodies if they will marry us:
larly discovers an association of the masochistic
afterward. we arc mystified because we are less
or hostile dependent kind of relationship with the
What we
interested in sex now that he is "ours
mother and the fear of mutilation and annihilation
wanted all along wasn't sex. but closeness.
punishment for feminine self-fulfillmentin-
Mother most rewarded us with syngtotu. lore
deed, for just being a female. (p. 96)
when we denied our sexuality Ilta lies added I.
In an earlier work. Rheingold (1964) contended
Sex, even with its intimate pleasures. becomes
that most young girls are terrified of the mother's
merely a means to ail end: nothing is sweeter than
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wzgression. However, we do not deny the importance
feelings of hostility and jealousy, and. as a result, they
attempt to turn to the father for protection. However. of Rheingold's interpretation that fear of the mother's
retaliation is an important causative factor as well.
this move toward the father is similarly fraught with
Rheingold's interpretations of his fmdings are
danger because of the mother's envy, and the girl
consistent with the hypotheses my associates and I
retreats once again. In Between Women: Lowering the
have derived from clinical material. It has been our
Barriers. Paula Caplan (1981) describes how daugh-
experience that most women do indeed remain their
ters often adjust to their mother's envy:
"mother's daughter," bound to the mother not by
It is a heavy burden to feel envied by one's
natural affection, but by fears of aloneness or vindic-
mother. This is especially true because anger so
tive retaliation.
often accompanies envy.... How does a daughter
For other perspectives on maternal ambivalence.
deal with her mother's competitiveness with her
see Of Woman Born (Rich, 1976) and Mother Love:
or jealousy of her accomplishments? Often, she
Myth and Reality (Badinter. 1980/1981). Ms. Rich
does one of two things (or tries both at different
explores her ambivalent feelings about motherhood
times): she reduces her efforts to achieve (or at
and toward her children in a personal journal. Dr.
least begins to conceal them from her motheri.
Bldinter documents the varying forms of maternal
and she puts emotional or physical distance be-
indifference, cruelty. dissatisfaction, and affection
tween herself and her mother. (p. 120)
over the past four centuries of French history.
In describing adolescent girls who have already
Guilt about Separating from
begun to renounce their sexual identity in order to
the Maternal Bond
appease their mother's anger. Rheingold (19M)
wrote:
A self-denying mother arouses powerful feelings
We ohserve many more girls who exhibit the
of guilt in her children. By denying herself gratifica-
"mutilated- state that becomes so distinctive in
tion, fulfillment, or sexual pleasure a woman not only
adolescence and adult life. They wear a hurt. hurts herself, she also imposes subtle restrictions on
her daughter's life. Her daughter, out of a sense of
intimidated look, seem burdened with distrust
and guilt. and show not a trace of femininity or
guilt, will turn her back on her own development and
any other kind of self-affirmation. (p. 266)
retreat from an adult, womanly posture.
This guilt becomes more evident as young
As a clinician. Rheingold demonstrated an un-
women take tentative steps toward independence or
usual understanding of the conflict that prevails in
move away from emotional ties with the family. In
women throughout their lives. On the one hand.
the case of the adolescent girl. the guilt involved in
women desi 'exual fulfillment and independence:
breaking away or "leaving her mother behind" is
yet, at the same time. they are drawn hack to the
often intense and debilitating, especially when her
mother through fear of her retaliatory powers:
mother is depressed. self-hating, self-destructive, or
The girl has no choice hut to enter lino the
childlike in her orientation.
rivalry.... The threat of retaliation. however.
I event uall vj forces her to abandon her aspirations
Manifestations of the Daughter's Guilt
(to he a better wife than mother) and surrounds
in Her Adutt Life
all women-roles with danger. (p. 267)
As noted earlier, the children of mothers who
A woman begins fleeing her mother in early
withhold feelings of love suffer from unsatisfied
childhood and never ceases trying to deliver her-
longings, emotional hunger. and rage at being re-
.elf from the psychic bond to her.... The drives to
jected. Children. and later adults (of both sexes),
attain treedom never succeed.... She is always her
generally feel guilty about feelings of hostility to-
mother's daughter. (p. 272)
ward their parents and frequently turn their rage
The authors emphasize that women's retreat
against themselves.
rom mature sexuality is primarily affected by their
The daughter's guilt about the anger she feels
desire to hold onto a dependency bond or connection
toward her mother causes her to hate herself. When
she is forced to renounce the loving feelings she
with the mother rather than their lear of the mother's
The Glendon Association
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In early sessions. Carol. an unusually percep-
originally felt toward her mother (the most important
tive and intelligent person. rapidly gained emo-
person in her life), she becomes disoriented and re-
tional and intellectual insight into the dynamics
sentful. As a young girl, she learned by observation
of the relationship with her mother. Carol spoke
and imitation to he like her mother and feels strange
in her therapy group about her mother's rejection
or uncomfortable when she is different from her role
of her father and her need to control family
model.
members. hi addition, she noted her mother's
Guilt reactions cause women to turn their backs
sexualized involvement with dependent and in-
on important personal and vocational goals if these
gratiating women. Altogether. her insight was
pursuits differ from or threaten to surpass their moth-
clear, compassionate. and powerful.
ers' achievements. For example. a study by Jill Suitor
(1987) reported empirical data indicating guilt reac-
During this period. Carol gradually unfolded as
tions in women who surpassed their mothers' level of
a woman. Her previously drab. unfeminine ap-
education. Kim Chernin (1985). in The Hungry Self
pearance and quiet reserve were replaced by a
(a study of eating disorders). also commented on her
brightness. vitality, and lively sense of humor.
observations of guilty women:
Gradually she developed a stronger sense of
identity as a sexual woman, in stark contrast to
The contrast for most women between their life
her mother's asexual orientation. Carol moved
of possibility and their mother 's life of limitations
out of the family home into her own apartment
continues to haunt them through every stage of
and decided to pursue an advanced degree in
growth and development, making separation a
psychology. She lost weight. began to dress
perilous matter. for it involves inevitably this
stylishly, and for the first time became involved
problem of surpassing a woman who must. in her
in a sexual relationship with a man for whom she
lonely sense of failure at life, perceive the daugh-
cared a great deal.
ter's movement imo the world as a betrayal and
abandonment of thc identity they share.
At this point in her therapy. Carol appeared on
(pp. 57-58)
the threshold of changing deep character de-
fenses of submission and catering to her mother.
In our experience. we have found that women
attitudes she had extended to other women who
manifest intense guilt reactions when they achieve
served as symbolic substitutes for her mother.
success in areas where their mothers failed. and often
compensate by regrming in other areas. This is a
One day. Carol's mother visited her at her apart-
primary factor contributing to women sabotaging
ment, and the patient found herself excited by
their successes and achievements. The fol lowing case
discussing her career plans and some of the in-
history illustrates long-term regressions that can oc-
sights she had gained in the course of her therapy.
cur when women develop personally and vocation-
She was totally unprepared for her mother's an-
ally and symbolically leave the mother by leading
Stunned. Carol listened as her
gry reaction.
different or "better- lives.
mother unleashed an irrational diatribe against
her and her therapist for his "had" influence on
After a year of individual therapy. Carol B.. a
her. At first Carol attempted to defend her point
serious. reserved young woman of 24. began to
of view: however, the combination of her
question her mother's authority and challenge
mother's hysterical anger and tears effectively
her image as the "perfect" mother. Carol's mother
brought Carol "back Into line." The next day
was a highly respected chairperson of the history
Carol spent hours on the phone reassuring her
department at a nearby college. She had divorced
mother and reestablishing the bond with her.
the patient's father when Carol was 3 years old.
The mother moved in a large social circle ol
Already torn by guilt about achieving more
women associates and friends. Her current life
satisfaction in her personal life than her mother,
was completely devoid of male companionFlup
the patient was unable to recover her good feel-
and, according to the patient. her mother spoke
ings after the incident. She began to deny or
id men with derision and bitterness.
repress the insights she had gained in the:apy. She
"forgot" important perceptions she had about her
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Women's Guilt in Relation to
mother's controlling posture and destructive role
Symbolic Substitutes
in the family. She lost sight of her mother's
manipulation through weakness and negative
Female anxiety and guilt about ambitious striv-
power.
ings and the exercise of competence are so ubiq-
uitous that the "fear of success" syndrome has
It was disheartening for those who knew Carol
become a household word. (Lerner, 1988. p.195)
to see the rapid deterioration in her self-confi-
dence following the meeting with her mother.
Many women not only fear the loss of the mother
Several weeks later. Carol dropped out of her
but have the same reactions to symbolic substitutes
therapy group. Some time later. she terminated
in their present-day lives. We found that women take
individual therapy and gradually withdrew from
their cues from other women in their surroundings in
the relationship with the man whom she had
terms of their emotional state or their tendencies to
planned to marry.
be self-denying. Rather than compete with another
woman who is depressed or distant from the man in
In turning against her realistic perception of her
her life, a woman is more likely to withdraw and
mother's hostility and inadequacy, the patient
become self-denying herself. She is often too guilty
suffered a serious regression. Eight years later. a
to sepame herself from less fortunate women and
follow-up showed that Clrol had put on a great
maintain her own pursuit of sexual fulfillment or
deal of weight and had retreated from relation-
other personal goals. She tends to respond adversely
ships with men. She still lived alonephysically
to unconscious social pressure exerted by other
separate from her mother, yet emotionally tied to
women who have given up their active pursuit of
her.
goals. When the women in her interpersonal environ-
This case is not unusual. We have documented
ment act weak and defensive, it has a detrimental
numerous cases similar to the one just described.
effect on her personal life and goal-directed activities.
Guilt reactions precipitated by breaking "bom.s
Most women are afraid to be nonconformists,
often predispose serious
regressions (Firestone.
that is. to stand out from the "sisterhood.- For exam-
1987b). For exiunple. a patient who was progressing
ple. the stereotyped attitudes toward men expressed
well in therapy and changing her hostile. suspicious
by women in neighborhood meetings over coffee or
views of men received a phone call from her sister.
in office settings are rarely, if ever, challenged by
The sister. who was seriously disturbed psychologi-
women who disagree. Cynical and/or condescending
cally and cynical toward men, had played a signifi-
views about men are accepted as foregone conclu-
cant role in raising our ptient and meant a great deal
sions by many women, who use this forum to verbal-
to her. After the patient told her sister about her
ize attitudes that justify their withdrawal and with-
progress and her hopeful outlook, she asked her sister
holding. Moreover, there is increasing social pressure
how she was feeling. The sister's bitter reply was:
from the media and literature supporting a sexist.
"You really want to know? I'll tell you how I feel
prejudicial view of men that holds them accountable
feel like killing myself.- Her
I'm so depressed I
for women's dissatisfaction in marriage and life 'm
sister's response acted to turn this patient against
general. This distorted societal view, in turn, exerts a
herse I f.
strong pull on each woman to feel victimized or
Within a week of this unpleasant call, this pa-
exploited by men.
tient. tom by unbearable guilt feelings about her
sister's misery, suddenly left her boyfriend and re-
SIGNIFICANT EVENTS THAT AROUSE
sumed an isolated life-style. It was literally impossi-
ANXIETY AND GUILT IN WOMEN
ble for her to tolerate her guilt about the contrast
AND THEIR EFFECTS
between her own happiness and her sister's depres-
sion and hatred of men. She refused to break the bond
Marriage
with her sister, and instead sacrificed her own pur-
Just as the fate of personality development
suits. It is both shocking and disturbing how powerful
hangs largely on the effect of mother on child, so.
these contacts can be in leading to regressive behav-
I believe, the fate of a marriage hangs largely on
ior when a person has a fragile new identity.
the effect of wife on husband.... Overwhelmingly
The Glendon Association
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on their own point of view when the women in their
the flow of crt.cial influence is from the woman
lives are unresponsive. depressed. or self-hating, in
to the man, requiring adaptation or defense on his
order to maintain the bond.
part. (Rheingold. 1964. pp. 421-422)
Rheingold (1964) suggested that the degsee of
The concept of marriage has very different un-
maternal destructiveness that was present in a
conscious significance for men and women. For
woman's relationship with her mother is the single
women. movement toward sexual intimacy with a
most reliable predictor of the success of her marriage.
man threatens the mother-daughter bond and symbol-
He stresses the fact that marriage once again arouses
izes a step away from the mother and a loss of the
a woman's fear of her mother. a familiar sense of
hope of ever satisfying their longing for maternal
dread that she has lived with since infancy.
love. For men, marriage symbtilizes the fulfillment
Marriage is a crisis for the woman.... Next to
of their desire for close. affectionate contact with the
pregnancy and becoming a mother, marriage
mother that they have longed for since early child-
poses the gseatest threat because it represents two
hood. For this reason. men and women have a conflict
bold acts of self-assertion: assuming the status of
of interest and are unconsciously at odds with each
the married woman and entering into a publicly
other after the early stages of their relationship.
announced heterosexual relationship. (p. 437)
Rheingold's (1964) thesis supports the authors'
views of this basic difference and its impact on the
Most women sacrifice their sexuality in order to
couple's relationship: -This initiall level of compati-
hold on to the mother and relieve their unconscious
bility is not...long maintained because marriage at-
fears of punishment. In this sense. they are fearful of
tempts to integrate mutually alien worlds of being.
becoming mature women. When this happens,
that of the man and that of the woman- (p. 423).
women take on a sameness with the mother that
Both extensions of the bond with the mother are
makes them hate themselves. Their goals and per-
unhealthy. It is ironic that women are drawn to mar-
sonal relationships are contaminated by fedings of
riage as an imitation of their mother, yet at the same
unsatisfied emotional hunger. and their feeling for the
ume they lea this movement toward further indi-
men in their lives is distorted.
viduation and see their independent actions and ma-
Indeed. rather than cope with the separation
ture expressions of sexuality as replacing the mother.
anxiety and guilt inherent in moving away from the
Their attitudes toward marriage are necessarily am-
mother, many women find themselves experiencing
bivalent. Their defenses alienate them from men and
a renewed closeness with their mothers following the
predispose a destructive bond in place of genuine
wedding ceremony. Nancy Friday (1977) commented
intimacy.
on this "reunion- in My MotherIMy Self
This statement should not be construed as being
a denial ot the destructive effect that men can have
The truth is that in marriage we become the little
girl who once took down the cookie sheet and
on women and on the marriage. Men who have been
imitated mommy. We also become mommy....
damaged in their sexuality can develop a variety of
We do not mean to ally with her, but whose
personality disorders or dysfunctional styles of relat-
suindards are we living up to when we give up
ing. Many men, for extunple. become desperate. de-
our identity? Did he ask it of us? (p. 345)
pendent. and possessive of their mates. Others cut off
their feelings. becoming distant and uncommunica-
tive: still others develop compensatory feelings of
In her interviews with over 2(X) men and women,
Ms. Friday reported that the majority of the wives
vanity and demand a build-up from their partners.
imitated their mother's style of relating.
Men also tend to act out aspects of the bond with
their mother in their relationship with their mates.
Many women who profess goals of future mar-
exerting a negative impact on the marriage. They riage and family tend to be disturbed at the actual
prospect of becoming involved in a long-term rela-
interpret their partner's positive or negative sexual
responses as symbolic of the mothering they are
tionship with a man or the thought of having a child.
In our clinical experience, we are familiar with count-
unconsciously seeking. Many men behave in a child-
like manner in relation to their mates, seeking defini-
less cases where women reported having perverse or
angry responses to acknowledgments of love from
tion, and are either submissive or domineering. Often
they are emotionally hungry and willing to sell out
men whom they love.ln one instance, a woman was
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shocked at the sarcasm she expressed in reaction to
The production of a normal child is a major goal
her boyfriend's talking about his wish to make a
of most women. Yet most pregnant women have
serious commitment to the relationship. The couple
or
hidden fears that the infant may be abnormal
had just spent a romantic evening together when the
reveal some 4' their own secret inner weaknesses
man spoke sincerely of his growing desire to marry
[italics added I. (p. 42)
and start a family. As the couple talked about the
Dr. Berry Brazelton (1973). a well-known pedia-
possibility of having children, the woman suddenly
trician and child developmentalist, observed that:
you'll have to take care of
burst out angrily: "Well,
Prenatal interviews lin a psychoanalytic imer-
the kids. too: I'm not going to do it alone!"
Both people were startled by this uncharacteris-
view setting] with normal primiparas [first-time
mothers]....uncovered
anxiety often
tic response. In retrospect. they were painfully aware
which
that this "slip of the tongue" had been a portent of
seemed to be of pathological proportions.... The
things to come. After the couple married and had a
unconscious material was so loaded and so dis-
family, this woman became increasingly hostile to-
torted. so near the surface, that before delivery
ward her husband and progressively withheld feel-
one felt an ominous direction for making a pre-
diction about the women's capacity to adjust to
ings of affection. despite the fact that he was sensitive
to, and involved with, the children. Her angry out-
the role of mothering. (p. 260)
burst as well as her subsequent behavior represented
Rheingold (1957) observed similar phenomena
a direct imitation of her mother's point of view ihat
in well over 2.500 cases of pregnant women he
"taking care" of a husband and children was an
treated during a 10-year experimental study. He
overwhelming burden.
found that the mother's ambivalence usually contin-
ued unabated long after the child was born, although
Becoming a Mother
the more negative aspects were either completely
Having a child of one's own is in itself the
forgotten or partially repressed. He suggested that
ultimate fulfillment of womanhood. Nonetheless. it
even "normal" mothers transmit their basic cmilict
symholires a separation from or a release of onCs
about being a mother and their repressed hostility to
their infant, instilling in the child a deep sense of
own mother, which can arouse congiderahk anxiety.
Becoming a mother implies a permanent loss of one's
anxiety and insecurity.
mother. Starting a new family effectively signals the
Psychoanalyst Dorothy Bloch (1985) found that
end of childhood, causing many women to cling to
all children have a predisposition to fear infanticide
dependent, childlike patterns of behavior during the
and that these fears vary only in their intensity. In her
pregnancy and following the birth of the baby. Con-
(Bloch. 1978), she
book.
So the Witch Won't Eat Me
ventional views of women's helplessness and need
states: "Once I began to probe the function of chil-
lor protection dufing pregnancy generally support a
dren's fantasies. it became apparent that they were a
woman's return to dependency and self-indulgence
means of survival and defended the children against
during this critical period. Yet. soon after the baby is
their fear of infanticide" (p. 13).
born, there is a complete change in the emotiona
Postpartum Disturbances. Regression during
pregnancy generally continues until delivery, when
climate. Now the woman is expected to take care of
and nurture the baby. The abrupt change from being
there is either movement toward recovery or a more
taken care of to being a caretaker may foster a wide
pronounced regression. The dynamics of postpartum
range of regressive behaviors and is a significant
depression indicate intense emotional reactions to the
factor in postpartum depression.
sudden shift from a childlike mode to the reality and
Fear and Unconscious Hostility in Pregnant
responsibilities of being a parent. These depressive
Women. Klaus and Kennell (1976). well-known de-
reactions sometimes reach psychotic proportions.
In a case report. Rosberg and Karon (1959)
velopmental psychologists, have suggested that preg-
nant women have many fears that form the basis for
described in depth a classic example of postpartum
the wide vanat ion in the quality of the mother-infant
psychosis. A number of important factors in this case
relat ion.
relate to our own findings: ( I ) It became clear though
analysis that the woman's husband had, in many
ways, replaced her mother as the center of her cmo-
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My sister had a similar experience that was
tional life (the primary feeder). (2) Sexuality was
even more uncanny. When she had her first baby.
symbolic of oral gratification (vagina/mouth: pe-
my mother visited for a week to help her out. My
nis/breast: semen/milk). (Comparable use of oral
sister tried and tried to breast-feed her baby. but
symbolism has been described in the analysis of less
she couldn't. She had no milk and finally after
disturbed individuals. Silverberg (1952) and Klein
trying everything, she had to put her baby on a
(1948/1964) reporte(1 dreams and fantasies of neu-
formu la. The very day my mother left, my sister's
rotic patients indicating that many people represent
milk "came in- and she was able to breast-feed.
sexual functions in terms of oral symbolism.) (3)
It's interesting, because my mother couldn't
Pregnancy represented a symbolic solution to frustra-
breast-feed me. And I have brothers who are
tion on an oral level. The physical changes that were
much younger than I am. and so I remember
manifested signified oral gratification (stomach filled
watching her trying to hreast-feed them. One
with milk). (4) The actual childbirth represented a
scene I remember clearly was when I was 7 years
catastrophic loss of gratification and a premature
old, standing in the doorway. and my mother
demand to feed another. This series of hypotheses
holding my baby brother and trying to feed him.
casts light on some of the unexplained characteristics
Her milk would flow until the baby would start
of postpartum disorders.
to suck, and then it would stopthat's how with-
One further complication that often occurs at the
holding she was.
time immediately after the delivery, when mother and
child return home. is the appearance of the mother's
I remember my father being angry at her for
mother on the scene. This occurrence generally tend.s
what she was doing. He just couldn't help being
to precipitate regressive trends in the new mother.
angry. He saw it right in front of him, that she
Instead of relieving anxiety, it often causes additional
wouldn't feed the baby. I remember standing
tension.
I wanted to turn
I didn't want to see it.
there:
Early Feeding Experiences. Helene Deutsch
around and walk out of the room, hut my feet
4
(1945). in her classic work. The
Psychology
were fro/en. I couldn't move: I was just frozen
Women. tohone 2. has suggested that the nursing
standing there staring at that scene.
mother may regard her child as an enemy and his/her
oral needs as aggressions. More importantly, she may
OTHER ISSUES IN THE
also fear her own aggressive reactions to her infant
PSYCHOLOGY OF WOMEN
and may therefore fail in her attempt to breast-feed
him/her in order to escape the situation and protect
Sexual Components in the Early
the child against her aggression. We have interviewed
Maternal-Child Attachment
a number of mothers who reported that they resented
feeding their in !ants. Several mothers revealed that
In our work. we have observed that the majority
they had initially enjoyed breast-feeding. but soon
of women reported that they were physically and
found themselves giving up what had been a pleasur-
even sexually attracted to other women. This basic
able experience for them, often for no apparent rea-
attraction appeared to be based on the early need for
:;on.
affection and physical comfort from the mother. a
For exainple. a woman stopped breast-feeding
part of the child's earliest feelings. These feelings
her three-month-old infant daughter following her
represented a natural attraction and did not appear to
mother's visit. Later, in a parenting group, she re-
he a signal or sign of abnormality.
called that her mother was unable to hreast-feed her
Many clinicians have reported that inhibitions
or her younger brothers (Parr. 1987):
against a baby (laughter's expressions of affection
toward the mother are stronger than against the son's.
When in daughter was
months old and my
For this reason, the daughter's initial attraction to the
I was too embarrassed to
parents came to visit.
mother can be frustrated early in the relationship.
breast-I eed in I ron«if my mother. R ight after that.
"lWomen'sl feelings for their baby daughters may
tuarre reason to stop breast-feed-
I thought ot
frighten them if they label them sexual. This can lead
ing. that it would be better for her to be on a bottle.
mothers to limit their physical contacts with their
So I stopped breast-leeding without ever making
young daughters severely," (Caplan. 1981, p. 59).
the connection that it followed that visit.
[phone]
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