Enduring desire: your guide for lasting intimacy

246 Pages·2010·3.341 MB·English

by  McCarthy, Barry W.;Metz, Michael

Enduring
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Enduring
Your Guide to Lifelong Intimacy
(cid:16)(cid:528)(cid:597)(cid:552)(cid:593)(cid:528)
Michael E. Metz
Barry W. McCarthy
New York London
Routledge Routledge
Taylor & Francis Group Taylor & Francis Group
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Metz, Michael E.
Enduring desire : your guide to lifelong intimacy / Michael E. Metz & Barry W.
McCarthy. -- 1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p. ).
ISBN 978-0-415-87830-2 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal relations. I. McCarthy, Barry W.,
1943- II. Title.
BF575.I5M48 2010
306.77--dc22 2010021217
ISBN 0-203-84039-9 Master e-book ISBN
Visit the Taylor & Francis Web site at
http://www.taylorandfrancis.com
and the Routledge Web site at
http://www.routledgementalhealth.com
To my spouse, Hildy Bowbeer, for her
strong and enduring support.
To all the women and men, clergy, healthcare,
media, and teaching professionals who are
promoting positive, healthy, “good enough” couple
sexuality as a strong energy in their real lives.
Michael Metz
To my grandsons Torren Michael McCarthy and
Liam Karl McCarthy, and my granddaughter
Daphne Jeannette McCarthy, with the hope
that they grow up in a world that celebrates
healthy male, female, and couple sexuality.
Barry McCarthy

Contents
Acknowledgments xiii
Introduction xv
Chapter 1 Real Sex for Couples: The New Way of Thinking 1
Build on What You Already Have for
Lifelong Sexual Satisfaction 3
Healthy Thinking About Sex 3
Seeking Quality Couple Sex 4
Good-Enough Sex? You’ve Got To Be Kidding! 5
Keep Perspective 6
Is GES Right for You? 7
We Offer You Realistic Confidence 8
What You Need to Know to Develop and
Maintain Quality Couple Sex 9
Basic Ingredients of Sexual Satisfaction 9
Enduring Desire 1 1
The GES Approach: Cognitive, Behavioral,
Emotional, and Couple Features 1 1
Your Thoughts Are Important for Satisfaction 1 2
Choose What Is Right for You and Your
Relationship 1 3
Crucial Points for Satisfying Sex 1 4
Acceptance for Sexual Satisfaction 1 5
Summary 1 6
vii
viii • Contents
Chapter 2 Your Growth Goals for Quality Sex 17
Healthy Sex Has Joys at Every Age 1 7
Your Unique Relationship 1 8
Quality Couple Sexuality Changes and Grows 1 8
Your Lifelong Sexual Growth Goals 1 9
Ten Features of Lifelong Satisfying Sex 20
Overview of the Principles for Real Sex for
Healthy Couples 2 2
Summary 2 7
Chapter 3 Your Expectations and Sexual Satisfaction 29
Appreciate that Hype and Commercialism
Mislead You 29
Every Couple Has Sex Difficulties 3 0
How You Think and What You Do 3 0
Smart Thinking Fundamentals 3 3
The Cognitive/Behavioral/Emotional
(CBE) Model 3 4
Cognitions or Thoughts 3 4
Behaviors or Actions 3 6
Emotions or Feelings 36
Your Relationship 3 6
Thoughts “Rule”: The Five Kinds of
Cognitions 37
Brandon and Melissa 38
Satisfied Couples Have Realistic Sexual
“Scripts” 41
Realistic, Constructive Cognitions 4 2
Problems Are Opportunities 4 3
Summary 4 3
Chapter 4 The Best Sex Is Relationship Sex 45
Sexual Health and Relationship Satisfaction 4 5
Your Relationship as an Intimate Team 4 6
Twelve Paths to Relationship Intimacy 46
Principles for Strong Relationship Satisfaction 4 9
Features of Relationship Sexuality 5 1
Generous Giving and Receiving of Pleasure 5 1
Emotional and Sexual Balance 5 1
Multiple Roles and Meanings of
Relationship Sex 5 3
Roberto and Jill 5 4
Summary 57
Contents • ix
Chapter 5 Creating Your Couple Sexual Style 59
The Elements of a Couple Sexual Style 6 0
Intimacy 6 0
Eroticism 6 1
Strengths of Each Couple Sexual Style 62
Your Couple Sexual Style: Avoiding Traps
and Ensuring Growth 63
Play to Your Strengths 7 0
Developing Your Couple Sexual Style 71
Quality Couple Sexuality: Valuing Both
Intimacy and Eroticism 7 3
Summary 7 5
Chapter 6 Intimate Teamwork: The Environment for GES 77
Relationship Skills 78
Connecting the Dots: Relationship
Features and Your Sexual Interactions 7 9
Enhancing Relationship Identity 7 9
Quality Sex Is Based on Relationship
Cooperation 81
Protect Your Bedroom with Cooperation 8 2
The Role of Conflict in Relationship and
Sexual Satisfaction 8 3
Beware of Poisonous Patterns 8 4
Why Negative Communication Patterns
Are Anti-Sexual 8 6
Tracy and Mark 87
Conflict Presents Opportunities for
Deeper Intimacy 8 9
Work Out Your Disagreements: Bridge-
Blend-Bond 9 0
The Premier Relationship Skill: Empathy 9 1
The Paraphrasing Tool for Empathy 92
Making Empathy Tangible 9 4
Your Environment for Eroticism 9 5
Summary 9 6
Chapter 7 Celebrating Your Sexual Being: Confident Sex 9 7
Valuing Sex as Inherently Good 9 8
Mind and Body 9 9
Body Image and Sexual Confidence 100
Our Sexual Bodies 101