Emotionally focused couple therapy for dummies

367 Pages·2013·31.313 MB·English

by  Bradley, Brent, Furrow, James

Emotionally
Focused
Couple
Therapy

Emotionally
Focused
Couple
Therapy
by Brent Bradley, PhD,
and James Furrow, PhD
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies®
Published by:
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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Bradley, Brent A., author
Emotionally focused couple therapy for dummies / Brent Bradley, James Furrow.
(For dummies)
Includes index.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-118-51231-9 (pbk.)--ISBN 978-1-118-51233-3 (pdf).--ISBN 978-1-118-51240-1 (epub)
1. Couples therapy. 2. Emotion-focused therapy I. Furrow, James L., author II. Title. III. Series:
For dummies
RC 488.5.B73 2013 616.89'1562 CS2013-903235-5
CS2013-903236-3
ISBN 978-1-118-51231-9 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-118-51239-5 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-51233-3 (ebk);
ISBN 978-1-118-51240-1 (ebk)
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Contents at a Glance
Introduction ................................................................ 1
Part I: Essentials of Emotionally Focused Therapy .......... 5
Chapter 1: The Basics of Emotionally Focused Therapy ..............................................7
Chapter 2: Understanding the Power of Emotion in Relationships ...........................17
Chapter 3: Organizing Your Emotional World .............................................................39
Chapter 4: Identifying the Three Levels of Emotional Experience ............................59
Part II: Emotionally Focused Therapy in Action:
Moving from Problems to Patterns ............................... 73
Chapter 5: Finding Common Patterns of Conflict ........................................................75
Chapter 6: Finding Common Roles in Conflict ...........................................................101
Chapter 7: Working Toward Fighting Less and Feeling Better ................................121
Part III: Finding Intimacy in New Ways .................... 145
Chapter 8: Seeing through Withdrawing Eyes............................................................147
Chapter 9: Seeing through Pursuing Eyes ..................................................................159
Chapter 10: Facing Fears and Finding Each Other .....................................................171
Chapter 11: Overcoming Common Blocks ..................................................................185
Chapter 12: Dealing with Infidelity ..............................................................................207
Part IV: Moving Forward Together ............................. 229
Chapter 13: Finding New Solutions to Old Problems ................................................231
Chapter 14: Securing Your Future ...............................................................................255
Chapter 15: Working with a Couple Therapist ...........................................................271
Part V: The Part of Tens ........................................... 285
Chapter 16: Ten Questions to Ask a Therapist Before You Make an Appointment ....287
Chapter 17: Ten Rituals to Bring You Closer..............................................................293
Chapter 18: Ten Myths about Emotion and Relationships.......................................301
Chapter 19: Ten Myths about Sex ................................................................................309
Appendix: Resources ................................................ 317
Index ...................................................................... 321

Table of Contents
Introduction ................................................................. 1
About This Book ..............................................................................................2
Foolish Assumptions .......................................................................................3
Icons Used in This Book .................................................................................3
Beyond the Book .............................................................................................4
Where to Go from Here ...................................................................................4
Part I: Essentials of Emotionally Focused Therapy ........... 5
Chapter 1: The Basics of Emotionally Focused Therapy . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Understanding the Emotionally Focused Therapy Approach ...................8
Considering Your Own Arguing Cycle ..........................................................9
De-escalating Your Conflict Cycle ...............................................................11
Finding Each Other in New Ways ................................................................12
Caring About Each Other’s Needs ...............................................................12
Opening Up to Each Other ...........................................................................13
Facing the Future Together ..........................................................................14
Tackling Problematic Issues Together .......................................................15
Chapter 2: Understanding the Power of Emotion in Relationships . . . . 17
Trusting Emotion ...........................................................................................17
Defining the Role of Emotion in Relationships ..........................................20
Identifying the Differences between Positive and Negative Emotions ......23
Seeing What Science Has to Say about Emotion .......................................26
Recent brain research .........................................................................26
The brain’s way of keeping us connected ........................................27
How fear works in the brain ...............................................................29
Understanding Attachment Theory and the Emotional
World of Relationships ..............................................................................30
The foundation of felt security ...........................................................31
Staying in sync .....................................................................................33
Understanding reactive strategies of insecurity ..............................34
Chapter 3: Organizing Your Emotional World . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Unpacking Emotion, Up Close and Personal ..............................................39
Experiencing affect ..............................................................................41
Recognizing feelings ............................................................................42
Communicating emotion .....................................................................46
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Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies
Discovering the Process of Emotion ...........................................................49
Recognizing the trigger .......................................................................50
Acknowledging the feeling ..................................................................52
Naming the experience .......................................................................53
Moving to action ..................................................................................54
Putting it all together...........................................................................56
Chapter 4: Identifying the Three Levels of Emotional Experience . . . 59
Discovering the Importance of Primary Emotion ......................................60
What primary emotion says about you and your relationship ......61
How your own primary emotion impacts your partner ..................63
How to use your primary emotion.....................................................67
Secondary Emotion: What You Feel after Your Gut Reacts .....................68
Uncovering your own secondary emotional reactions ...................70
Identifying how secondary emotion pushes your partner away .....71
Instrumental Emotion: What You Show But Don’t Feel ............................71
Part II: Emotionally Focused Therapy in Action:
Moving from Problems to Patterns ............................... 73
Chapter 5: Finding Common Patterns of Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75
Remembering the Early Days of Your Relationship ..................................75
Thinking about when you first met ...................................................77
Considering your partner’s positives ................................................79
Revisiting why you fell in love ............................................................80
Understanding How Couples Argue in Predictable Ways ........................82
Seeing the impact of negative emotions ...........................................83
Repeating cycles of negative emotion ...............................................86
Discovering the Three Fighting Styles ........................................................88
Attack/attack ........................................................................................89
Attack/defend .......................................................................................90
Silent/silent ...........................................................................................90
Looking At What’s Going On Underneath ...................................................91
Acting defensive for a reason .............................................................92
Sounding the alarm ..............................................................................95
What we don’t talk about ....................................................................98
Chapter 6: Finding Common Roles in Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
Delving into Your Relationship Histories .................................................102
Looking at what your parents taught you about relationships .....102
Remembering who was there for you .............................................105
Talking about your histories ............................................................107