Emotional Safety: Viewing Couples Through the Lens of Affect

302 Pages·2006·3.21 MB·English

by  Don R. Catherall

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Catherall, Donald Roy, 1946-
Emotional safety : viewing couples through the lens of affect / Don R.
Catherall.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-415-95451-7 (hc : alk. paper)
1. Marital psychotherapy. 2. Family psychotherapy. I. Title.
[DNLM: 1. Couples Therapy--methods. 2. Affect. WM 430.5.M3 C363e 2006]
RC488.5.C38 2006
616.89’1562--dc22 2006011585
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For Kim,
who knows all my buttons,
and generally refrains from pushing them.

Contents
Foreword by Donald L. Nathanson, M.D. ix
Preface xi
Acknowledgments xvii
Part I: h eory and Foundation
1 h e Problem 3
2 h e Language of Af ect 13
3 Realms of Af ect: Attachment and Esteem 23
4 Realms of Emotion: Views of Self and Other 39
5 Mapping the Terrain of the Emotional Relationship 47
6 Why Partners Matter: h e Power of
Af ective Resonance 55
7 Why Esteem Matters: h e Power of Shame and Pride 65
8 How Emotions Operate: Scripts of Self and Other 79
Part II: Clinical Applications
9 h e Core Components of Relationship Problems 93
10 Patterns of Maladaptive Responses 111
11 Identifying the Problem 125
12 Establishing Safety 137
13 Maintaining Esteem 147
14 Repairing Damaged Esteem 171
15 Maintaining Attachment Security 199
16 Healing Attachment Injuries 213
17 h e Emotional Safety Model of Treatment 227
Notes 241
References 261
Index 269
vii

Foreword
Every once in a while you meet a psychotherapist who works equally well and
equally comfortably with both individuals and couples. Professional thera-
pists dif er greatly in their willingness and ability to tolerate the intense emo-
tion generated by couples whose discomfort had been so great that they agreed
to accept the interpersonal exposure inherent to therapy. Most therapists set
up strict rules to protect themselves as well as those who seek their aid: “Fight-
ing not allowed.” “Bring the conl icts, not the rage.” “You guys are going to
have to respect the therapy process enough to handle yourselves dif erently in
here.” Even those few couples who are able to accept such tepid commands see
them as paradoxical and of little personal benei t. Supervisors, trainers, and
mentors of couple therapists are ot en heard to say that success in their i eld is
due far less to training than individual talent or quirks of personality.
Not so, says Don Catherall in this credible and eminently sensible book.
Most beginning couple therapists are told that therapy will be approachable
and simple if you can get the participants to leave their af ect at home. But
Dr. Catherall echoes the spirit of Diane Keaton’s character in the i lm Sleeper
when Woody Allen, displaced two centuries into the future, showed terror as
she handed her lunch guests tiny pellets of cholesterol. She laughed at his fear:
“You guys were throwing out the best part.” To a more recent generation, “It’s
the af ect, stupid!”
Let Catherall teach you how to recognize the full range of af ect—the
ancient, intrinsically pleasant and unpleasant subcortical mechanisms that
have evolved into spotlights that focus attention on whatever requires our
best neocortical equipment. Listen as he explains interpersonal attachment
and the af ective experiences that foster or interfere with it. Focus on what he
means by emotional safety, learn how to provide it for your clients, and teach
them how to make it work at home. Study transcripts of sessions in which
he demonstrates exactly what he means by every theory described. Imagine
yourself working with each of his patients. Remember clients of your own who
get derisive every time a spouse asks for help or looks like he or she is going to
cry. Even better, test-drive some of his ideas about emotional safety next time
your own spouse/partner complains that you are “really mean,” that you are
“impossible,” or that you “don’t care” about his or her needs. Name calling is
about shame, and the more you know about your own experience of shame,
the better will you be able to make therapy both understandable and a process
so positive that your patients will look forward to their sessions. At er all, we
are just people too, and one of the reasons we know a lot about those who visit
ix