DSI-Date Scene Investigation: The Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders

261 Pages·2006·1.28 MB·English

by  Ian Kerner

IAN KERNER, Ph.D.
For Owen
MAY YOU GROW UP TO BE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS
The names have been changed
to protect the brokenhearted.
:
CONTENTS
OUTLINE OF CASE STUDIES
INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
1 SHOULD HE STAY OR SHOULD HE GO?
The Case of the Cad Who Couldn’t Commit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3
DSI MOST WANTED FUGITIVE: Mick Sla gger
2 THE HONEYMOON IS OVER: The Case of the
Guy Who Got Comfy Too Quickly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27
CITIZEN’S ARREST: The Case of the Guy Who
Would Not Gro w Up
3 THE WELL-GROOMED MAN: The Case of the
Guy Who Might Be Gay . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45
DSI MOST WANTED FUGITIVE: Zachar y Thomson
4 THE PERMANENT MISTRESS: The Case of the
Fool Who Fell for a Married Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .67
RECENTLY DECLASSIFIED TESTIMONY: Common
ARSE Excuses for Avoiding Commitment
v CONTENTS: OUTLINE OF CASE STUDIES
5 COLD SHEET FILES: The Case of the Couple
Whose Sex Life Sucked (Cuz He Didn’t) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .89
DSI MOST WANTED FUGITIVE: Ivan Harrison
6 ON THE CLOCK: The Case of the
Relationship Ruined by Bad Timing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .111
CITIZEN’S ARREST: The Case of the Man Too
Chea p to Da te
7 CORPORATE PERKS: The Case of the
Office Fling Flop . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131
DSI MOST WANTED FUGITIVE:
Frederick Rupert Holmes, II
8 STICKY FINGERS: The Case of the Relationship
Torn by Porn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .155
RECENTLY DECLASSIFIED DSI TESTIMONY:
The DUPE Who Duped Herself
9 STUCK IN THE PAST: The Case of the Man
Still Hexed by His Ex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .187
DSI MOST WANTED FUGITIVE:
Prescott Horton Sutherland
10 GUESS WHO’S NOT COMING TO DINNER:
The Case of the Disappearing Boyfriends . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .211
CITIZEN’S ARREST: The Gang of Four
THE WELL-GROOMED MAN vi
DSI GLOSSARY OF FORENSIC TERMS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .239
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .247
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
OTHER BOOKS BY IAN KERNER, PH.D.
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ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
INTRODUCTION
Is your relationship an unsolved mystery?
Are you a victim of a crime of the heart?
Then it’s time to review the relationship rap sheet, and
analyze the Dating DNA!
Meet the DSI team, a rigorously trained clandestine unit within the FBI
(that’s the Federal Bureau of Intimacy), whose sole mission is to help
everyday folks in everyday relationships figure out if it’s time to dig in
their heels or run for the hills.
Our handbook, DSI—Date Scene Investigation: The Diagnostic Man-
ual of Dating Disorders, has been culled from years of top-secret inves-
tigative fieldwork and volumes of case studies that address some of
today’s most daunting dating dilemmas. Not for the faint of heart, this
book tells of boyfriends who might be gay, gamers who won’t step up to
the plate, and wimps who won’t go down for the count. You will see, first-
hand, relationships ruined by bad timing, office politics, smoking,
pornography, and marriage (to other people).
You will get to know heart-wrenching dating DUPEs (Desperately
Under Pressure to Evaluate) and their antagonistic ARSEs (Anti-
Relationship Suspect Examinees), and you will gain unprecedented ac-
cess to previously classified relationship rap sheets: detailed reports that
2 DSI: DATE SCENE INVESTIGATION
reveal interpersonal infractions, mating misdemeanors, and flirtatious
felonies. You will be presented with in-depth psychographic portraits,
which leave all laid bare.
Through the process of Relationship Reconnaissance, we will
painstakingly reconstruct key Date Scene Investigations, including piv-
otal encounters subjected to rigorous Evidentiary Analysis. You will
boldly go where no civilian has gone before as we apply the latest forensic
tools to decipher complex dating data: from testing for SPARK (Sexual
Potential And Romantic Kinship) to consulting with undercover agents
in the MBU (Missing Boyfriends Unit), we take you with us as we ven-
ture above the law and beneath the covers.
Down the next block or over in the next cubicle or upstairs in your
corner bedroom there lives Trouble: Someone you know is stuck in a
dead-end relationship. Perhaps, that someone is even you.
The clues are all there, as elementary as Sherlock Holmes and his
looking glass, just waiting to be detected. The fact that you’re reading
this suggests you’re ready to shine the light of truth, well aware that the
body you discover between the sheets may spell friend or end, groom or
doom, stud or dud.
It’s a tough job, but your courage will be well rewarded. Because in
the love life you save may be your own!
the end . . .