Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, From Anger to Intimacy Revell Books, a division of Baker ...

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Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised_From Anger to Intimacy-1.indd 3 7/18/14 10:19 AM
© 2009 by Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com
Revell paperback edition published 2015
ISBN 978-0-8007-2658-4
Previously published by Regal Books
Printed in the United States of America
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without
the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed
reviews.
The Library of Congress has cataloged the original edition as follows:
Smalley, Gary.
From anger to intimacy : understanding anger and the freedom of forgiveness /
Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-8307-4676-7 (hard cover)
1. Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Anger—Religious aspects—Christianity.
3. Forgiveness—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Cunningham, Ted. II. Title.
BV835.S5525 2009
248.4—dc22 2008017147
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New
International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permis-
sion of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Scripture quotations labeled CEV are from the Contemporary English Version © 1991, 1992, 1995
by American Bible Society. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations labeled KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.
Scripture quotations labeled The Message are from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, copyright
© 1993, 1994, 1995, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All
rights reserved.
Scripture quotations labeled NAB are from the New American Bible with Revised New Testament
and Revised Psalms © 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC,
and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved. No part of the New
American Bible may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the copyright
owner.
Scripture quotations labeled NCV are from the New Century Version®. Copyright © 1987, 1988, 1991
by Word Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations labeled NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright
© 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House
Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations labeled as TLB are from The Living Bible, copyright © 1971. Used by
permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
Note: The names of those mentioned throughout this book as well as some of the details of the
stories have been changed to protect the identities of the individuals mentioned.
15 16 17 18 19 20 21 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
_SmalleyCunningham_AngerIntimacyRev.indd 4 3/6/15 2:11 PM
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 5
I(Gary)wanttodedicatethisbooktomydaughter,
Kari,andmydaughters-in-law,AmySmalleyandErinSmalley,
whocontinuallyprovideawonderfulexampleofhowan
extendedfamilylives,playsandworshipstogetherincomplete
forgivenessandlovetowardeachother.
I(Ted)wanttodedicatethisbooktotwogreatchurches:
WoodlandHillsCommunityChurchandTheRiver.
Bothhavecontributedtomylifeinbigways.
Iwillforeverbeindebtedtothem.
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 6
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 7
Contents
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
Chapter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
YouDon’tHavetoLivethatWayAnymore
Chapter 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Recognize:IdentifyingWhereAngerAppears
Chapter 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
Halt:BreakingtheCycleofAnger
Chapter 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81
Own:TakingResponsibility
Chapter 5 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
Nurture:CaringforYourEmotions
Chapter 6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
Liberate:EmbracingtheSpiritofForgiveness
Chapter 7 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157
Deliver: CraftingthePerfectApology
Chapter 8 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179
Relent:OverturningRoadblockstoForgiveness
Chapter 9 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199
Commit:ForgivingaDifficultSpouse
Chapter 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 221
Renew:RecoveringfromanAffairorSexualAddiction
Chapter 11 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 245
Remain:MaintainingForgivenessinaMarriage
Chapter 12 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265
AnswerstotheBiggies
Meditations for Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 279
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 8
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 9
Acknowledgments
We would like to thank Roger Gibson for dreaming with
usandmakingFromAngertoIntimacyareality.Heservesas
more than our literary agent; he is also a great friend.
Margaret Feinberg is much more than just a writer.
She is a great collaborator with a journalistic style that
draws the best out of us. Margaret is a servant and an in-
credible wordsmith.
A big thank you to Alex Field and Kim Bangs for lead-
ing this book from start to finish at Regal. They have been
soencouragingandareapuredelighttoworkwith.
Thank you, Regal and Gospel Light! Bill Greig III, you
leadyourteamwithexcellence.Also,abigthanksgoestothe
team, including Deena Davis, Bill Denzel, Bruce Barbour,
Mark Weising, Aly Hawkins and the marketing and sales
teamsatRegalBooks!
We also want to say thank you to all of the staff at the
SmalleyRelationshipCenter.Dayinanddayout,youserve
marriages around the world. Your hard work does not go
unnoticed.Thankyou.
Thankyou,NormaSmalley,TerryBrown,RonCunning-
ham,BonnieCunningham,SueParksandRogerGibsonfor
readingthemanuscriptandofferinggreatinsight.
ThestaffatWoodlandHillsCommunityChurchplayeda
bigpartinthisbook.TedBurdenismycolleagueandtrusted
friend. Bernard Bourque offered many valuable teaching in-
sights.PamStrayertranscribed,andDeniseBevinshandledso
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunning9ham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 10
FromAngertoIntimacy
many details of my life during the process. Richard Williams
andJimBrawnerhelpedwiththecreativeprocess.Thankyou!
Thankyou!Thankyou!
To all of our family and friends, many of whom have
storiesthatfillthesepages,weloveyouandoweyouadebt
ofgratitudeforthepatienceinthisprocess.
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted C1u0nningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 11
1
You Don’t Have to Live
that Way Anymore
It was a storybook wedding. The bride wore an elegant
whitedress.Thegroomdonnedatraditionalblacktuxedo.
The bridesmaids strolled gracefully down the aisle. The
flower girl and ring bearer were wide-eyed and earned coos
and giggles from the crowd. The flowers were beautiful.
The music played harmoniously. The candles added just
the righthuestothebackdropoftheceremony.
The joy, elation and excitement of the day left Sabrina
with an unmistakable glow. Within a few moments, she
and Johnny had made the commitment to love, honor,
cherishandrespecteachotherinsicknessandinhealth,for
richer or for poorer, until death did them part.
Butlessthan36monthslater,bothJohnnyandSabrina
werereadytobreaktheircovenantofmarriageandfilefor
divorce. How did something that began so perfectly grow
into an unhealthy, hurtful relationship?
The transformation began shortly after the honeymoon.
Whentheyoungcouplewalkedintomyofficeforcounseling,
I (Ted) remember sensing the pain, hurt and disappoint-
ment intheireyesastheybeganrecountingtheirstoriesand
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunnin1g1ham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.
From Anger to Intimacy Revised:From Anger to Intimacy 12/18/08 2:25 PM Page 12
FromAngertoIntimacy
interactions. Sabrina remembered one evening shortly after
theyweremarried:
“I’m going out tonight, honey,” Johnny announced on
his way out the door. “I’m hanging with the boys. I’ll be
homearoundmidnight.”
“Whatdoyoumeanyouaregoingouttonight?”Sabrina
protested.“Ihadaspecialmealplanned.”
“Don’t you remember last week, when I told you that
Craig is hosting a Texas hold ’em tournament tonight?”
Johnny answered.
“Yes,Irememberyoumentioningit,butIdon’tremem-
berusmakinganydecisionsaboutit.”
“What...areyoumymother?”Johnnysnapped.
“No, but I thought it would be cool if we hung out
tonight, because we’re out every other night this week with
work,churchandmyparents’get-together.”
“Baby, I can’t let the guys down. They’re expecting me.
I’lltrytogethomealittleearlier,ifthatwillmakeyouhappy.”
“Fine,I’llseeyouinthemorning.”
“Nowyou’remad?”Johnnyasked.
“Go!”
Withthat,Johnnyleftthehouse.Sixmonthslater,the
marriage was deteriorating on multiple levels. Sabrina’s
small annoying habits were growing too big for Johnny
to overlook. Meanwhile, Johnny’s lack of attention to de-
tailorcareforhygienewerebecomingmorethanSabrina
could handle. Instead of talking to her husband, Sabrina
spent long hours on the phone each night criticizing
him. She picked on the way Johnny ate and belittled him
Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted C1u2nningham, From Anger to Intimacy
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2009. Used by permission.