Divorced Fathers and Their Families: Legal, Economic, and Emotional Dilemmas

257 Pages·2013·1.067 MB·English

by  Florence W. Kaslow (auth.)

Divorced Fathers and Their Families

Florence W. Kaslow
Divorced Fathers
and Their Families
Legal, Economic, and Emotional Dilemmas
Florence W. Kaslow, Ph.D.
Kaslow Associates
Palm Beach Gardens, FL , USA
ISBN 978-1-4614-5534-9 ISBN 978-1-4614-5535-6 (eBook)
DOI 10.1007/978-1-4614-5535-6
Springer New York Heidelberg Dordrecht London
Library of Congress Control Number: 2012950588
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With much love this book is dedicated to
my three wonderful grandchildren,
Rachel Loren, Ethan Isaiah, and Naomi
Rebecca Kaslow, and to my beloved son,
their D evoted, A ttentive, and D edicated Dad,
Howard Kaslow.
Grandmamma and Dr. Mom
Florence W. Kaslow, Ph.D.

Foreword I
Dr. Florence Kaslow is on to something. She has brought a lifetime of diligent work
as a therapist, plus a researcher’s keen sensibilities, and a great deal of heart into a
project aimed at reconsidering our world view of divorced fathers. This is a book
about dads who have gone through divorce, yes, but it is also a meaningful book for
the rest of us, male and female.
In my career as a journalist, I write a column about life transitions for The Wall
Street Journal. I have frequently covered men’s family issues, their rights as fathers,
and their often-ignored emotional struggles. I have seen the pain men go through,
silently, on a great many fronts, including the sadness that often accompanies
divorce and child-custody matters. Divorce is one of the most searingly dif fi cult life
transitions for many men, even if their interactions with their ex-wives are not
contentious.
Too often, divorced dads are demonized or discounted. As a culture, we do not
focus enough on the valuable contributions they are kept from making to their chil-
dren’s lives. Dr. Kaslow’s work in this book is a terri fi c step in correcting miscon-
ceptions, and in allowing divorced fathers to have a voice. The revelations in this
book will surprise and enlighten you, and will lead to a better understanding of the
divorced fathers in your family or social circles. In the end, children also will be
bene fi ciaries of the work Dr. Kaslow has done in these pages.
This book offers stories, re fl ections, history, and fresh analysis of issues we
would be smart to pay close attention to. It is a coincidence that Dr. Kaslow and I
have similar names. It is no coincidence that we have similar views on the vital
needs and yearnings of divorced fathers. I salute her for undertaking this project.
– Jeffrey Zaslow (deceased, February 2012). Co-author of T he Last Lecture and
of Gabby: A Story of Courage and Hope. Columnist for the Wall Street Journal.
vii

Foreword II
It is with great honor and pleasure that I have the privilege of writing a Foreword for
Fathers and Divorce, Dr. Florence Kaslow’s latest tome. I am proud to have had the
opportunity to be a contributor to a few of her previous books, and I recognize the
passion, dedication, and careful research she invests in each of her volumes.
Dr. Kaslow’s incredible professional career includes her having developed
acknowledged expertise in many clinical domains such as individual, marital, fam-
ily, divorce, and sex therapies as well as treatment of military families, in consulta-
tion to family businesses and professional practices; and executive, life transition,
and relationship coaching. Additionally, she is an inspiring teacher, speaker, and
proli fi c writer often forging new frontiers as is evident in the topic of this new
book.
After a fascinating opening chapter on the history of thinking about child cus-
tody in the United States, and the changing views of women and men’s roles and
competencies as parents, the book portrays 13 illustrative and heart-wrenching case
studies of divorced men. Also included are four chapters that elaborate and analyze
many of the issues depicted in the case studies that should prove informative to
professionals as well as divorcing/divorced moms and dads. The focus of this book
is a unique and often neglected view of divorce. The dads who are “good dads” who
suffer deep hurt and loss due to the process of their divorces and the ensuing grief
over the diminished and sometimes truncated relationship with their children have
all too often been relegated to the status of not very important people and their needs
and value to the children disregarded or downplayed. This book valiantly attempts
to redress this disparity in the law, the judicial system and in the conceptualization
and treatment by some therapists, as well as the interventions of some mediators and
others involved in the divorce process.
As Dr. Kaslow so clearly highlights, there is a large body of work on the plight
of the divorced moms with a scathing literature on the “deadbeat dads,” abusive
dads, or dads that abandon their families. Yet, there is a dearth of literature on the
good husbands and dedicated dads. These men may not have precipitated the
divorces. Or, they may have been in such destructive relationships that their survival
was contingent on “getting out” of their unhealthy relationships when their wife
ix
x Foreword II
suggested a divorce. Many men who chose to leave unhappy relationships seem not
to have been really aware of the losses and consequences of their decisions until
after they had experienced the fracture of the family.
Chapter 1 5 summarizes the material culled about the 13 respondents and illumi-
nated by the wisdom Dr. Kaslow has accrued during her study of and career in the
fi elds of marital, individual, and divorce therapy as well as divorce mediation. Even
though the subject pool contains men of diverse religious and ethnic backgrounds,
the majority of the men are well educated and “successful” in their careers. Included
in Chapter 15 is an excellent Typology of Divorced Dads which Dr. Kaslow has
expanded from the extant literature by adding a number of neglected types who are
frequently encountered in the divorce arena. This chapter also proffers an expansion
of the concepts Eric Berne delineated of the emotional games people play. She has
adapted this concept to games divorcing or divorced couples may play which sadly
impact tremendously on each other and on the children. These games often cause
alienation, loyalty con fl icts, and brainwashing of the children and may entail out
and out blackmail and manipulation by spouses.
Chapter 1 6 encompasses the potential value of various kinds of professional help
which, if utilized, could lead to far healthier outcomes in divorce. These include
Divorce Therapy, Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. A perspective on
choosing the kind of lawyer who is more inclined to facilitate a cooperative, fair,
and equitable divorce settlement is provided by Benson, a matrimonial lawyer. A
comprehensive review of the value of Family Evaluations, in divorce in aiding the
family, the judges, and other individuals involved in the process, written by
Benjamin, provides a detailed explanation of the process of Family Evaluations, the
value of the procedure and its potential for minimizing unbridled litigation, and
future visits to the courts. In her commentary section, Carter discusses the role of
the Parenting Coordinator in helping families fi nd more productive and healing
ways to deal with co-parenting, residential issues, and the ongoing challenges of
fractured families. The fi nal part of this chapter is written by Schwartz, who focuses
on the role of the Child Advocate. Professionals in each of these roles can play a
critical part in the facilitation of a more manageable and kinder process during an
extremely painful, often contentious time in a family’s life, for all those involved:
the divorcing couple, the children, and the extended family and friends.
Chapter 1 7 is noteworthy in its focus on the impact of the described personality
disorders of some of the women on their spouses and children. Individuals with
personality disorders generally have an exacerbation of their symptomology during
stressful periods. The chapter highlights the characteristics that initially enticed
these men but then often became the very ones that tore the men and children to
pieces as the marriage and subsequent divorce proceeded.
The fi nal chapter (Chapter 1 8 ) is a treasure trove of advice to those in each profes-
sion and the numerous individuals who become involved in the divorce process.
These include divorce therapists, divorce mediators, child custody and family evaluators,
ex-wives and ex-husbands, children of divorce, matrimonial attorneys, and family
court judges. It also challenges legislators and courts to review the biases and