Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide For Separation, Inspiration & Liberation

135 Pages·2018·0.8 MB·English

by  Karen C.L. Anderson

Copyright © 2018 Karen C.L. Anderson.
Published by Mango Publishing Group, a division of Mango Media Inc.
Cover and Layout Design: Elina Diaz
Mango is an active supporter of authors’ rights to free speech and artistic expression in their books. The
purpose of copyright is to encourage authors to produce exceptional works that enrich our culture and
our open society.
Uploading or distributing photos, scans or any content from this book without prior permission is theft
of the author’s intellectual property. Please honor the author’s work as you would your own. Thank you
in advance for respecting our author’s rights.
For permission requests, please contact the publisher at:
Mango Publishing Group
2850 Douglas Road, 3rd Floor
Coral Gables, FL 33134 USA
[email protected]
For special orders, quantity sales, course adoptions and corporate sales, please email the publisher at
[email protected]. For trade and wholesale sales, please contact Ingram Publisher Services at
[email protected] or +1.800.509.4887.
Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
Library of Congress Cataloging
ISBN: (print) 978-1-63353-717-0, (ebook) 978-1-63353-716-3
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017959858
BISAC category code: BISAC category code FAM033000 FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS Parenting Parent
& Adult Child, BISAC category code OCC019000n BODY, MIND & SPIRIT / Inspiration & Personal
Growth

Printed in the United States of America

Disclaimer
No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical
or electronic, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,
or transmitted by email without permission in writing from the author.
Neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary
interpretations of the subject matter herein. Any perceived slight of any individual or organization is
purely unintentional.
The author is not a licensed professional. This book details the author’s personal experience and
opinions. Among other things, it includes the author’s reactions and memories. The author
acknowledges that others may remember certain situations that she recounts in this book differently
than she does. She is aware that others may have experienced some of the situations in the book in a way
that is significantly different from the way she portrays them.
This book is dedicated to mothers and daughters and to painful generational
patterns that want to be healed.
It is dedicated to all the women who have come before us, who sacrificed their
spirits and their dreams because the world was not yet ready for them and not
yet ready to value women as they are and as they wish to be.
It is dedicated to the fierce, wild, liberated women who will come after us.
“A practical and uplifting guide for the scores of women whose relationship with their
mothers is less than optimal!”
—Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD, author of the New York Times bestsellers
Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Wellbeing,
Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause
“An empowering book that offers clarity and validation, as well as strategies for
freeing yourself from the control of an unhealthy mother relationship.”
—Susan Forward, PhD, author of Toxic Parents and Mothers Who Can’t Love
“Congratulations to Karen C.L. Anderson who has approached, embraced, and
translated, in the most compassionate and engaging way, the most essential of
subjects: the relationships between mothers and daughters. With grace, courage, and
articulate brilliance, Anderson tells her own story with unhesitating integrity and
complicated respect, thereby inviting the rest of us to do the same. For that, and for
her clear, uncompromising prose, I would suggest that every woman who has
struggled with her relationship to motherhood—from any perspective—reach for
Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters.”
—Dr. Gina Barreca, Professor of English and Feminist Theory at the
University of Connecticut, Syndicated Columnist, and author of If You Lean In,
Will Men Just Look Down Your Blouse?
“Whether you can still call your mother, or not, this book will inspire healthy, life-
changing patterns in what is so often the most fraught terrain of our lives. It models
and inspires grace, acceptance, forgiveness, and thriving. I can still call mine, and
Karen Anderson’s high dose of rational, and yes, magical thinking…has made all the
difference.”
—Laura Munson, New York Times and international bestselling author of
This Is Not the Story You Think It Is, and founder of the acclaimed Haven
Writing Retreats “The work that Karen C.L. Anderson is doing with daughters in
regards to their mothers is some of the most important work on the planet today.
When we understand how influenced our minds are by what happened when we
were growing up, we can then decide to let it go. In this book, Karen gives us the steps
to do just that. I know from experience that this work is not easy, but it is by far the
most important work I have ever done. Let Karen show you the way.”
—Brooke Castillo, Master Coach Instructor & Founder of The Life Coach
School
“A valuable read for anyone who has or had ‘mother problems.’ And there’s a bonus:
the strategies she suggests could be helpful in any close relationship in your life.
—Marsha Hudnall, MS, RDN, CD, President & Co-Owner, Green Mountain
at Fox Run “Karen C.L. Anderson brings daughters from suffering a difficult
mother/motherhood relationship to surviving and thriving with her honesty, humor,
and pragmatic guidance.”
—Ann Imig, Founder of LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER and author of Listen to
Your Mother: What She Said Then, What We’re Saying Now “Here’s the truth:
Karen C.L. Anderson’s moving book is not just for the relationship you have with your
mother—it will help you thrive in all your intimate relationships through moving
stories, helpful tools, and brilliant ideas. This is a must-read for anyone who finds
themselves accepting bad behavior from others over and over again, and are finally
ready to make a change. It only takes one person to change a dynamic between two.”
—Dr. Nancy Muirhead , Clinical Psychologist “There’s surprising wisdom for
leaders in the pages of Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters. Through the mother-
daughter lens, the writer's unique perspective and transparency challenge the ways
we engage with difficult people and make healthy choices. Undeniably, how we were
parented impacts how we lead and follow; from the boardroom or living room; from
positions of formal authority or informal influence. This book compels readers and
leaders, to think deeply about relationship strategies, and take the author's sage and
sensible advice.”
—Dr. Brenda Wilkins, President SoulPowered & BMG Management
The Matriarch Mare
The Matriarch Mare is calm because her boundaries are impeccable. Because she
knows who she is—with clarity and equanimity—the other horses respect her. She
does not let herself be influenced by another horse’s fears or anxieties or aggression.
She knows the right thing to do, based on her own internal signals, and she does it.
She doesn’t need approval or permission. She lives and breathes from a place of
integrity and certainty, because of her strong and appropriate boundaries. As a result,
she is relaxed and at peace. She belongs to herself. She has an undefended heart.
—With thanks to Martha Beck and Elizabeth Gilbert.
Katherine Woodward Thomas’ contribution to the field of personal
growth is deep and wide. Her work has influenced many of the
thought leaders who have influenced me. I am grateful for and
honored by her endorsement of my own work. Even more so, I am
profoundly thankful for the groundbreaking work she has done in
the world. Thank you, Katherine, from the bottom of my bottomless
heart. ~ Karen C.L. Anderson
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Foreword
Chapter 1 Lineage
Chapter 2 A Note to Daughters…and Their Mothers
Chapter 3 Why I Do This, Plus FAQs and an Invitation
Chapter 4 Living in Either/Or Land
Chapter 5 Awakening
Chapter 6 “So, Tell Me about Your Relationship with Your Mother.”
Chapter 7 What’s Your Story?
Chapter 8 You Are a Courageous, Conscious Creator
Chapter 9 But What About the Anger/Sadness/Grief/Bitterness/Guilt I Still Feel?
Chapter 10 Triggers and Buttons and Thorns, Oh My!
Chapter 11 Deactivate Your Triggers, Unbutton Your Buttons, and Pluck Out Those Thorns
Chapter 12 A Quick Note about Our Little-Girl Brains
Chapter 13 Do No Harm, but Take No Bull: How to Establish, Articulate and Maintain Impeccable
Boundaries
Chapter 14 Boundaries with Myse-helf
Chapter 15 “But She Manipulates Me into Not Having—or Ignoring—My Boundaries”
Chapter 16 Guilt, Anxiety, and Fear Are Not Inevitable When It Comes to Setting Boundaries
Chapter 17 But Mothers Aren’t Supposed to…
Chapter 18 The Myth of the Unloved Daughter
Chapter 19 Taking Yourself onto Your Own Lap (a.k.a Re-Mothering)
Chapter 20 Re-Mothering in the Face of Big Emotions (Like Shame)
Chapter 21 A Radical Way to Banish Shame from Your Life
Chapter 22 When You Decide to Change
Chapter 23 Choosing Unconditional Love
Chapter 24 What’s on the Other Side of the Struggle?
Chapter 25 Dear Mothers of Women Who Are Reading This Book
Chapter 26 Q&A With Karen
Chapter 27 How Does This Book End?
Recommended Resources
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Thank You