Death of a Parent: Transition to a New Adult Identity

264 Pages·2003·2.09 MB·English

by  Debra Umberson

Death of a Parent
In the midst of the busiest years of our lives and careers, just as
manyofusarebeginningtoconfrontourownaging,wearelikely
toloseaparent–andascommonplace,evenexpected,assuchan
eventmaybe,therepercussionscanbedramatic.Thisbookisthe
firsttosetoutinclearandcomprehensivetermswhatthedeathofa
parentmeanstomostadults–howitinfactfunctionsasaturning
point in our emotional, social, and personal lives. Drawing on
her own groundbreaking research, in-depth interviews, and data
collectednationwide,Dr.DebraUmbersonexploresthesocialand
psychologicalfactorsthatdeterminehowthisimportantlosswill
affectus–asapersonalcrisisoranopportunityforhealthychange.
Herbookshowshowadults,farfromthe“finished”beingsweare
oftenassumedtobe,canbeprofoundlytransformedbythedeath
ofaparent–inbeliefs,behavior,goals,senseofself–transformed
inwaysthatwillcontinuetoaffectus,forbetterorworse,forthe
restofourlives.
Debra Umberson is Professor and Chair of Sociology at the
University of Texas at Austin. Her research for Death of a Parent
wassupportedbyaFIRSTAwardfromtheNationalInstituteon
Aging.Asaformersocialworker,Dr.Umbersonhasworkedwith
terminally ill patients and their families. She is the author of
thirty-sixarticlesandchaptersonfamilyrelationshipsandhealth,
andshelecturesonissuesofdeathanddyingattheUniversityof
Texas.
Thisbookisdedicatedtoallofmyparents:
BillandWilmaUmberson,
DavidandJudySteiker,
and
Grannie
Death of a Parent
Transition to a New Adult Identity
Debra Umberson
UniversityofTexas
  
Cambridge, New York, Melbourne, Madrid, Cape Town, Singapore, São Paulo
Cambridge University Press
The Edinburgh Building, Cambridge  , United Kingdom
Published in the United States of America by Cambridge University Press, New York
www.cambridge.org
Information on this title: www.cambridge.org/9780521813389
© Debra Umberson 2003
This book is in copyright. Subject to statutory exception and to the provision of
relevant collective licensing agreements, no reproduction of any part may take place
without the written permission of Cambridge University Press.
First published in print format 2003
- 
isbn-13 978-0-511-06475-3 eBook (NetLibrary)
- 
isbn-10 0-511-06475-6 eBook (NetLibrary)
- 
isbn-13 978-0-521-81338-9 hardback
- 
isbn-10 0-521-81338-7 hardback
Cambridge University Press has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of
s for external or third-party internet websites referred to in this book, and does not
guarantee that any content on such websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.
Contents
Acknowledgments pagevi
1 Ordinary Loss, Extraordinary Change 5
2 Unexpected Crisis 15
3 Symbolic Loss 49
4 Turning Point in Adulthood 79
5 Intimate Relationships 105
6 The Next Generation 131
7 The Parent Left Behind 151
8 My Brother's Keeper 171
9 Rite of Passage 194
Appendix: Data and Methods 221
Notes 237
Index 249
v
Acknowledgments
Many bereaved adults shared their thoughts and feelings to help
meunderstandtheexperienceoflosingaparent.Iammostgrateful
toallofthemenandwomenwhodonatedtheirtimeandopened
uptheirlivestoprovidethematerialIneededtowritethisbook.
Colleaguesfromaroundthecountryfacilitatedthisprojectin
various ways. My Texas colleague, Christine Williams, provided
advice about qualitative methods and the handling of in-depth
interviews. She also provided helpful comments on the first and
last drafts of this book. Thanks to her for lighting matches to
setsociologyonfire.ThankstoKristiWilliams,oftheOhioState
University,forherenergy,enthusiasm,distraction,andgreatideas
onnumerousprojectsoverthepastseveralyears.Iamparticularly
indebtedtoJamesS.HouseoftheUniversityofMichiganforhis
mentorship,forincludingmeontheAmericans’ChangingLives
(ACL) project, and for providing access to the ACL data. The
ACL data collection was supported by the National Institute on
Aging(JamesS.House,PrincipalInvestigator,NIAAGO5562).
MeichuD.Chencarriedoutthequantitativeanalysesreported
inthisbook.Shewasalwayssensitivetothesubstantiveissuesas
wellaskeenlyattentivetothetechnicaldetails.
Severalgraduatestudentsplayedacriticalroleonthisproject.
ToniTerling,EllenSlaten,andPattiGuiffrebecamefullyinvolved
vi
Acknowledgments
intheinterviewsandprovidedinsightsintothebereavementex-
perience.AnnaCampbellandSinikkaElliottworkedtirelesslyto
ironoutallthedetails.
Julia Hough of Cambridge University Press believes that the
deathofaparenttrulyisaturningpointinadultdevelopmentand
Ithankherforgivingmetheopportunitytoexplainhowandwhy
thatturningpointoccurs.ThanksalsotoKristenWainwrightand
HeatherMoehnoftheBostonLiteraryGroupfortheiradviceand
supportandforintroducingmetothewonderfulSharonHogan.
I gratefully acknowledge the institutional support of the
University of Texas for a research leave devoted to writing this
book and to the National Institute on Aging for a five-year First
IndependentResearchSupportandTransitionAwardtostudythe
effectsofaparent’sdeathonadultchildren(NIAR29AGO8554).
Thanks to Cecilia Dean and the Population Research Center
at the University of Texas for administering and nurturing this
projectovertheyears.
Some of the ideas and findings reported in this book were
first developed and published in academic journals. I appreciate
the comments and scholarly advice from the editors and anony-
mousreviewersattheAmericanSociologicalReview,theJournalof
Marriage and the Family, and the Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships. Some of the findings on relationships with surviv-
ing parents were first presented in The Parental Experience in
Midlife, edited by Carol Ryff and Mildred Seltzer (1996) of the
UniversityofWisconsin.
IthankSydneyandMiriamMossofthePhiladelphiaGeriatric
Center for their warmth and for providing the first public forum
for my findings on the effects of parent loss in their session at
the Gerontological Society of America almost a decade ago. I
am indebted to and inspired by my Austin circle of friends and,
vii
Acknowledgments
especially,mybookgroup,fornurturingmymultipleprojectsdur-
ingthewritingofthisbook.
SpecialthankstoEliza,Aaron,Jordan,andRubyforteaching
methatthereismoretofamilythanwritingaboutitandtoJordan
forallthetalkingaboutwriting.
As I wrote this book, I always thought of Eliza and Aaron. It
ismygreatesthopethatIamgivingthemthelove,strength,and
confidencethattheywillneedinordertoparentthemselvesafter
Iamgone.Except,ofcourse,thatIwillneverbetrulygone–part
of me will live on within my children, always there when they
needme.
viii
Ginger describes her father as a gregarious man, a man full
of life. She was always close to him and recalls a childhood
filledwithhappinessandlove.Asanadult,Gingerremained
closely involved with her parents and was especially likely to
turn to her father for advice. When Ginger's father died of a
heartattackelevenmonthsbeforeourinterview,shefeltemo-
tionallyundone. Shemissedhim profoundlyandwas worried
about her seventy-two-year-old mother, who was devastated
by the loss of her husband. In the midst of grief, Ginger was
in a car accident and broke her back. At the same time, she
was struggling in a marriage that left her feeling emotionally
isolated.
While the situation appeared bleak, Ginger was slowly
undergoing a personal transformation that would turn her
lifearound.Thistransformationwasinspiredbythedeathof
her father, by the kind of person her father was, and by her
pastrelationshipwithhim.Gingerdidalotofthinkingasshe
lay flat on her back in a hospital bed:
My father was always very enthusiastic. He did so much.
Hewasalwaysinvolved.Healwaysfeltthatyoucanjustsit
aroundandwatchotherpeoplehaveagoodtimeoryoucan
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