Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better PDF
Preview Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better
HOW LOSING A PARENT CAN CHANGE AN ADULT’S LIFE—FOR THE BETTER D e a t h B e n e f i t s “Astrategyforgettingapaybackfromyourpain.Safertellshowamidlifeorphancansort throughmemories,salvagingwhatheals,packingawayguiltandresentment,perhapseven unearthingalegacyoflove.” —O, THE OPRAH MAGAZINE Jeanne Safer, Ph. D. 0465018574-text_Layout 1 10/22/09 4:42 PM Page a Praise for Jeanne Safer’s Death Benefits “Safer offers . . . helpful exercises for adult children to begin to heal from emotional wounds inflicted by their parents. . . . [Those] seeking to free themselves from ties that have bound too tightly will welcome Safer’s message: there’s no need to feel guilty about a sense of freedom and finding one’s true self after a parent’s death.” —Publishers Weekly “This is an extraordinarily helpful book, exploring a long-neglected aspect of parent-child relationships.” —Dr. Arthur Caliandro, Senior Minister, Marble Collegiate Church “Safer has brought off the hard task of casting a cold eye on the feelings of relief that so often follow upon losing a parent in one’s own adult- hood, acknowledging that the death of a parent—any parent—can set us free and offering practical suggestions for acting on that insight.” —Commentary “In the months and years that followed her mother’s death [Safer] began to confront in herself, and to recall from the accounts of many patients, something unexpected, a ‘shocking—almost acrilegious’ truth: The death of your parents can be the best thing that ever happens to you.” —Los Angeles Times “Safer is forging a new frontier . . . and shatters a long-standing social taboo.” —Maclean’s 0465018574-text_Layout 1 10/22/09 5:00 PM Page b 0465072118-Safer:Layout 1 2/19/08 1:20 PM Page i Death Benefits 0465072118-Safer:Layout 1 2/19/08 1:20 PM Page ii Other Books by Jeanne Safer The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling Forgiving and Not Forgiving: Why Sometimes It’s Better Not to Forgive Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life without Children 0465072118-Safer:Layout 1 2/19/08 1:20 PM Page iii Death Benefits How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult’s Life— For the Better (cid:2)(cid:3)(cid:4) Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. A Member of the Perseus Books Group New York 0465018574-text_Layout 1 10/22/09 4:42 PM Page iv Copyright © 2008 by Jeanne Safer Hardcover edition first published in 2008 by Basic Books, A Member of the Perseus Books Group Paperback edition first published in 2010 by Basic Books All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, address Basic Books, 387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016-8810. Books published by Basic Books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 255-1514, or e- mail [email protected]. Designed by Timm Bryson Set in 11 point Adobe Caslon Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Safer, Jeanne. Death benefits : how losing a parent can change an adult’s life—for the better / Jeanne Safer. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-465-07211-8 1. Death—Social aspects. 2. Parents—Death—Psychological aspects. 3. Adult children— Psychology. I. Title. HQ1073.S24 2008 155.9’37—dc22 2007046573 Paperback ISBN: 978-0-465-01857-4 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0465072118-Safer:Layout 1 2/19/08 1:20 PM Page v For Linda Marshall 0465072118-Safer:Layout 1 2/19/08 1:20 PM Page vi Perhaps nobody is completely grown-up until both his parents are dead. —Auberon Waugh, Will This Do? (1991) 0465072118-Safer:Layout 1 2/19/08 1:20 PM Page vii Contents Author’s Note ix Introduction: Life After Death 1 PART I Death Changes Everything CHAPTER 1 My Death Benefit (Autobiography) 11 CHAPTER 2 Death Benefits: The Last Taboo 49 CHAPTER 3 Going Through the Stuff: Choosing a Legacy 63 PART II Life Benefits: Body, Mind, and Spirit CHAPTER 4 Using the Good China: Deserving a Life at Last 81 CHAPTER 5 My Body, Myself: Health and Beauty Benefits 91 CHAPTER 6 Till Death Do Us Part: Marriage and Divorce 103 vii
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