Dating makes you want to die : [but you have to do it anyway]

228 Pages·2008·1.08 MB·English

by  Daniel Holloway

Dating Makes You Want to Die
(But You Have to Do It Anyway)
Daniel Holloway and Dorothy Robinson
Collins
An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
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Die
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MAKES YOU
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● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●( ●B ● ●u ●t ● ●Y ● ●o ●u ● ● H● ● ●a ●v ●e ● ●t ●o ● ●D ● ●o ● ●I ●t ● ●A ● ●n ●y ● ●w ● a● ●y ●) ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●D ● a● ●n ●i e● ●l ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●H ● ●o ●l ●lo ● w● ●a ● y● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● &● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●D ● ●o ●r ●o ●t ●h ●y ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●R ●o ●b ● i●n ● s● o● n● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
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Introduction 1
A Fortress unto Itself: The Single 7
ONE:
First Contact with an Alien Gender 29
TWO:
The First Date 59
THREE:
The Third Date 83
FOUR:
We Are in Love (Maybe) 103
FIVE:
Meeting the Parents: It’s Go Time! 127
SIX:
The Breakup Option: “It’s Not Me, It’s You—
SEVEN:
and Your Erectile Dysfunction” 151
The Death of Romance (or How I Learned
EIGHT:
to Stop Worrying and Love Paying Half
As Much Rent) 169
Going to the Chapel . . . 191
NINE:
Epilogue 213
Acknowledgments 217
About the Authors
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
Dating Makes You Want to Die
(But You Have to Do It Anyway)
Daniel Holloway and Dorothy Robinson
Collins
An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
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INTRODUCTION
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n the ancient times—before Al Gore in-
I
vented the Internet—finding a forever mate
was simple. Two postpubescent youngsters
would get together if their parents and com-
munity thought it was appropriate. A boy
would come over to “call,” and he and his
young lady of choice would sit on the front
porch, holding hands. He would wear over-
alls and have dreams of seeing the big city. She
would wear a bow in her hair and be fertile
but chaste. If she had all her teeth and good
birthing hips, the boy would ask the girl’s fa-
ther for her hand. As long as she didn’t die of
consumption and he didn’t run off to join the
merchant marine, the two would live happily
ever after and die at forty.
1
But happily ever after isn’t so easy anymore. Courting is now
called “dating,” and this unfortunate yet necessary social endeav-
or now induces panic attacks and therapist visits. The ritual of
courtship has been replaced by the ritual of obsessively updating
your online profile. That dainty young miss on the front porch?
She’s now a bitchy dragon woman in middle management who
would rather build a spreadsheet than track down a boyfriend.
The earnest little guy? He’s evolved into a hair-plugged meatface
who desperately tries to bang spring breakers in Panama City
Beach.
That Which Needs Doing
eHarmony commercials and poorly written sitcoms might make
it seem like dating is a perfectly fine thing to get involved in. Don’t
be fooled. The fact is most people don’t want to date. If given the
choice between a night watching CSI: Miami or going to “meet
for coffee” with a complete stranger, most people would much
prefer to gaze upon the pockmarked visage of David Caruso for
an hour. You, like us, have probably gone on dates that make you
hate humanity (and your parents) for bringing you into this soul-
less world where someone would actually contemplate going out
with a human being who has the social graces of a wolf-child.
But as our subtitle says, you have to do it anyway, which begs
the question: when you can’t avoid a horrific experience (like, say,
middle-school gym class), how do you survive it?
Well, you don’t. You die. We die. Even George Clooney will
die someday (though not until he’s reached the age of 491, brought
peace to the Eastern world, and discovered the lost city of Atlan-
tis). But the point is, you don’t have to die alone.
2 ● ● ● ● ● ● ● DATING MAKES YOU WANT TO DIE
What’s that? You’re only in your twenties? You’re too busy try-
ing to score a big bag of powdered drugs and decipher the key plot
points of Lost to worry about dying? Well, you’re a liar. We know
you. You came of age in a time of terrorism, a time of nuclear pro-
liferation, a time of Bill O’Reilly. You’re more worried about dy-
ing alone than your grandma in the home is—and she is alone.
You need to date. Truth be told—and we will always tell you
the truth, like it or not—dating is hard but not complicated. Every
step of a relationship is like that part in Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade where Indy can step only on the letters that spell the Lat-
in name of God, or else be consumed by the bottomless cavern.
Bottomless caverns are no fun, as anyone who’s ever made love
to Perez Hilton can attest to. But lest you, like Indy, forget your
dead-language training and make a near-fatal misstep, pay atten-
tion. This book will guide you step-by-step through the chasm of
romance to the holy grail of partnerhood. You will learn how to
meet an attractive and reasonably intelligent member of the op-
posite sex, how to woo that person, how to keep it up even after
you’ve lost your will to woo, and how to hold on to the object of
your affection as he faces the wandering-eye temptation of short
skirts and she’s dazzled by six-pack abs and you face the tempta-
tion of letting your gym membership lapse.
But why this book? Why not just borrow your divorcée mom’s
dog-eared copy of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus or your
younger sister’s copy of He’s Just Not That Into You?
Because those books suck. They will create a pit of despair in
your stomach that will hurt worse than any rejection you’ve ever
suffered at the hands of the opposite sex. Most dating books are
a mixed drink made with equal parts hubris and phoniness. Any-
one who thinks their graduate degree or tour of duty as a cable
TV writer earns them the right to be treated like St. John the
INTRODUCTION ● ● ● ● ● ● ● 3
Revelator with regard to their dating life is feeding you a line of
crap—and anyone who pretends to care about whether you suc-
ceed or fail at the game of love is feeding you an even bigger line
of crap. Us? We prefer our mixed drinks made with gin and more
gin. We will be straight with you. Our job isn’t to tell you what
you want to hear and then talk a lot of smack about you behind
your back. That’s the job of the last person you went out with.
Given that, are you really so keen on waiting to catch a pearl
of wisdom as it drops from Dr. Phil’s mustachioed lips? If so, dig
out your receipt and take this book back to Barnes & Noble. Plen-
ty of other titles that are perfect for you are clogging the shelves
there. You won’t feel entirely comfortable reading them in front
of other people, but, hey, clearly you don’t want to learn how to
meet your own special version of a life partner. You’d rather listen
to Love Smart on your iPod and reenact the speed-dating scene
from The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
Incredible Drinking Buddies
See, Dating Makes You Want to Die is like an affable hipster alco-
holic with good common sense and a killer music collection who
is still establishment enough to occasionally shop at Gap. Simply
put, this is an antidating book but still a dating book. It’s an anti-
relationship book that will show you what being in a relationship
is all about. How clever, no?
We dish our love tough and our advice as take it or leave it.
And you will leave some of it. The infuriating thing about people
is that they’re all different. Some prefer MADtv to Saturday Night
Live. Some prefer Cracked to Mad magazine. And some would
rather read The Mad Bathroom Companion than Mad About the ’90s.
4 ● ● ● ● ● ● ● DATING MAKES YOU WANT TO DIE