Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: Cupid Poisoned Arrow - Karezza Method - From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships - Reuniting : Healing With Sexual Relationships.

420 Pages·2009·19.063 MB·English

by  Marnia Robinson

CUPID'S
OIRONI E D
ARROW
FROM i8 raeb i [ to MiG rat y
IN > Peale ea f ups
MARNIA ROBINSON

CUPID'S
POISONED
ARROW

CEPTS
POISONED
ARROW
ou Habit oH armony
INS ie: fR elationships
MARNIA ROBINSON
DOUGLAS WILE, PhD
0
North Atlantic Books
Berkeley, California
Copyright © 2009 by Marnia Robinson. Illustrations copyright © 2009 by Patricia Somers.
All rights reserved. No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the written permission of
the publisher. For information contact North Atlantic Books.
Published by
North Atlantic Books
P.O. Box 12327
Berkeley, California 94712
Cover and book design © Ayelet Maida; cover source image © ImageDJ
Printed in the United States of America
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships is sponsored by
the Society for the Study of Native Arts and Sciences, a nonprofit educational corpora-
tion whose goals are to develop an educational and cross-cultural perspective linking
various scientific, social, and artistic fields; to nurture a holistic view of arts, sciences,
humanities, and healing; and to publish and distribute literature on the relationship of
mind, body, and nature.
North Atlantic Books publications are available through most bookstores. For further
information, visit our website at www.northatlanticbooks.com or call 800-733-3000.
Although anyone may find the suggestions in this book useful and beneficial, they are
not intended as a diagnosis, prescription, recommended treatment, or cure for any spe-
cific problem, whether medical, emotional, psychological, social, or spiritual. This book
was written for educational purposes only and not designed to replace therapy or con-
sultation with a qualified professional.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Robinson, Marnia, 1954—
Cupid’s poisoned arrow : from habit to harmony in sexual relationships /
Marnia Robinson.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 978-1-55643-809-7
1. Sex. 2.Man-woman relationships. 3. Intimacy (Psychology) I. Title.
HQ21 .R7513
306.7—dc22
2008041425
34567UN8ITE9D 116 150 14 13 12
Op
This book is lovingly dedicated to
Gary Bruce Wilson,
whose courage, insight, and open heart
brought it to life.
IN GRATITUDE
his book could not have been compiled or published without the
generous and dedicated efforts of many people over a fifteen-year
period. For some reason, most of them prefer to remain anonymous.
Nevertheless, there are a few bold people I would like to thank by name.
Mary Sharpe has contributed countless insights, bits of relevant research,
and practical suggestions for many years. She even returned to university
to obtain a second advanced degree, in theology, at Cambridge in order to
study and write about sexuality and the sacred. Her work led to many
intriguing discoveries, some of which are in this book. Steve Coffin and Jay
Moller have both shared hours of their precious time critiquing the text
and asking shrewd, and sometimes awkward, questions, which strength-
ened it a great deal. Mari Petersen’s loyal encouragement and insights about
attachment were invaluable. Augustin Masquilier voluntarily spent hours
recreating, and teaching me how to manage, my Web site, which opened
portals for some amazing bloggers. Their willingness to experiment with
the concepts in this book and offer their own stories were precious gifts—
and an enjoyable experiment in oneness.
I have also been blessed with some wonderful male and female men-
tors in the form of professors, bosses, and close relatives. Their strong cen-
ters of gravity, healthy boundaries, and shrewd grasp of human nature have
supported and sustained me when the path seemed steep. Finally, my hus-
band, Gary Wilson, contributed the hours of careful study and related
insights that made this material’s key concepts accessible for the science-
drenched West. He also supplied the loving yang energy that fueled the
writing.
I am deeply indebted to this chain of enthusiasts, loved ones, and
guardians, which stretches around the globe, with special links in Australia,
Belgium, Chile, England, Germany, Italy, Sweden, Taiwan, and the United
States.
CONTENTS
FOREWORD Xill
PREFACE XV
“Who’s in Charge?” XVI
Onward XVIII
CHAPTER ONE: BIOLOGY HAS PLANS FOR YOUR LOVE LIFE
1
The Coolidge Effect 4
How Did That Work Out? 7
Mating and Bonding, the Two Pedals 10
Why Now? 11
Why Me? 13
WISDOM OF THE AGES: TAOISM 17
CHAPTER TWO: ELEPHANTS IN THE LIVING ROOM 21
“Be Careful What You Ask For ... You May Get It” 22
Dofia Quixote Sets Out 25
A Subtle Sense of Lack 27
“Objects in Mirror May Be Closer than They Appear” 30
“But I Feel Great after Orgasm!” 34
Rowing in the Same Leaky Boat 37
Telltale Signs? 38
The Pitfalls of Self-Sufficiency 39
WISDOM OF THE AGES: CHRISTIANITY 43
CHAPTER THREE: A WHALE’S TAIL 49
“But What about Happy Marriages?” 51
The Bermuda Triangle of Relationships 53
“You Just Have to Find the Right Person” 55
More Awkward Questions 56
Wakeup Call 58
The Glamour Hook 58
Beyond Resentment 60
Mating versus Bonding 62
Teaming Up 63
A Tough Lesson 66
Where Had We Erred? 66
WISDOM OF THE AGES: HINDUISM 69
CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE HEART OF THE SEPARATION VIRUS 73
Planned Obsolescence 75
Meet Your Mammalian Brain 76
Ruthless Eugenics—Our Mating Program 79
More on the Monogamy Challenge 82
Faithful but Irritable 84
Questioning Commitment 86
The Link between Body and Mind 86
Urges Are Signals 89
Your Inner Compass 92
Dopamine—The Sharpest Arrow in Cupid’s Quiver 92
Enter Cupid 93
WISDOM OF THE AGES: CORTEZIA 97
CHAPTER FIVE: THE PASSION CYCLE 101
The Anti-Love Potion 102
What Goes Up Must Come Down 105
Dopamine—The Lynchpin 108
Addiction—Quest for More Misery 111
Balance and Bonding 112
Scientific Evidence of Lingering Changes after Orgasm 113
Prolactin 114
Testosterone and Friends 119
What about Men? 120
The Perception Game 122
Tainting Love with Fear 125
WISDOM OF THE AGES: MALE CONTINENCE 129
CHAPTER SIX: THE ROAD TO EXCESS 133
Yesterday's Genes 134
Memories That Pack a Punch 136
“Where’s My Tribe?” 137
The Agony of Excess 139
Saccharin and the Shakes 140
Porn’s Surprising Lesson 143
“Too Much of a Good Thing ... Is Even Better!” 145
Cross-Tolerances 147
The Plastic Brain 148
InaRut 150
Deceptive Cues 153
Dopamine and Distorted Perception 154
Jacking Up Dopamine 155
Reward Circuitry Overload 159
Brain Training 160
How Does It Feel to Be a Guinea Pig? 165