Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light: A Memoir of Cutting, Healing, and Hope

238 Pages·2007·3.082 MB·English

by  Vanessa Vega

Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light iii
COMES THE DARKNESS,
COMES THE LIGHT
http://avaxhome.ws/blogs/ChrisRedfield
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Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light iii
COMES THE DARKNESS,
COMES THE LIGHT
A Memoir of Cutting,
Healing, and Hope
Vanessa Vega
AMACOM
NewYork
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SpecialdiscountsonbulkquantitiesofAMACOMbooksare
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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Vega,Vanessa,1971–
Comesthedarkness,comesthelight:amemoirofcutting,healing,andhope/
VanessaVega.
p. cm.
ISBN-10:0-8144-7423-3(pbk.)
ISBN-13:978-0-8144-7423-5(pbk.)
1. Vega,Vanessa,1971—Health. 2. Self-mutilation—Patients—Biography.
3. Self-injuriousbehavior—Patients—Biography. 4. Psychotherapy. I. Title.
RC569.5.S48V44 2007
616.85(cid:2)820092—dc22
[B]
2006036161
(cid:2)2007VanessaVega
Allrightsreserved.
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica.
Thispublicationmaynotbereproduced,
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ortransmittedinwholeorinpart,
inanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,
mechanical,photocopying,recording,orotherwise,
withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofAMACOM,
adivisionofAmericanManagementAssociation,
1601Broadway,NewYork,NY10019.
Printingnumber
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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‘‘Youmustcarrythechaoswithinyouinordertogivebirth
tothedancingstar.’’—FRIEDRICHNIETZSCHE
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A c k n o w l e d g m e n t s
First,IgivethankstomyHeavenlyFatherforshowingmeunequivo-
callythatsomethingpositive cancomefrom allthings.
To all the health professionals who guided me on my journey.
Today Istandtallerbecauseofthetruths youhelpedmetodiscover.
To Dana Davis, my friend andmentor. You were the first to read
thesewordsandembracethem.Yourhonestfeedbackallowedmeto
searchevendeeperwithinmyselfforatruthIwasafraiddidnotexist.
To my cohorts at the DFW Writer’s Workshop, I say thank you.
Your words of encouragement gave me the confidence I needed to
seethisdreamthroughtotheend.
To LP, I say thank you for proving beyond a shadow of a doubt
that time and distance do not always mean the end of a friendship.
After eighteen years apart, you welcomed me back into your life,
learned more about the woman I’d become, and took this deep and
personal part of me carefully in your hands without hesitation. Your
kind words and reassurance gave me the confidence I needed to dig
deeper into my past to reveal more of myself than I had originally
intended. This book is stronger because of the questions you dared
toask.Blessyou.
To my family and friends who have walked this long journey
with me. Words cannot express how grateful I am for your presence
in my life. No matter how many times I tried to pull away, each of
you in turn reached out to me through phone calls, e-mails, and let-
tersto letmeknow youwerethere forme nomatterwhat. Somany
times I couldn’t say thank you or express the love I have for you in
my heart. I am so grateful to each of you for standing with me
through some of the darkest days of my life. I am who I am, in part,
becauseofyourloveandsupport.
ToJos´e,Isaythankyouforsomeofthemostwonderfulyearsof
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viii Acknowledgments
my life. Life has taken us in different directions, but I know that you
standwithmeincelebrationofthisendeavor.Iwishyouallthebest,
nowandforever.
And finally, words cannot express the gratitude I have for my
agent, Maryann Karinch, and my editor, Christina Parisi. For your
unwaveringsupportandendlesspatience,Iamindebted.Eachofyou
challengedmeinwaysIwouldhaveneveranticipatedandIambetter
forit.Thankyou.
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DearReader,
Ofall thethings Icould havewritten about,this issuewas byfar
themostpersonalandprivate.Ihavechosentosharemyexperiences
with the hope that it will help you, the reader, to realize something
greateraboutyourself.
What you hold in your hands is a culmination of more than
fifteen years of therapy by many individuals at several locations.
Someofthistreatmentwasvoluntary;someofitwasnot.Regardless,
forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwastaskedwithtakingresponsibilityfor
myownbehavior.Toassistmeinthisprocess,Itookantidepressants
at various times of my life that offered me a small reprieve from
feelings I found too overwhelming to deal with effectively. And in
the end, I learned that therapy was about me and my desire for a
healthierlife.Period.Itwasnotaboutmyfamily,myhusband(whom
I divorced after twelve years of marriage), or impressing others. The
falseimage Ihad createdfor theworld crumbledas soonas Iwalked
inthedoor.Andaspainfulasthatwas,Iamalivebecauseofit.
When I entered therapy, seriously, of my own volition, and with
a desire to get to the heart of the reasons for my self-injury, it was
because I was cutting four times a day. I had tried, unsuccessfully, to
breakmyownarmsandfemurs,althoughIhadsucceededinbreaking
fingersandtoes,andmostrecently,inrupturingtheprotectivecasing
around my ulna and radius bones in my right arm. Repeated blunt
traumatomyrightwristandforearmleftmewithtemporarynumb-
nessinmyfingers.
At the height of my disorder, in an effort to justify the endor-
phinsIwasgettingfromcutting,Isubjectedmyselftomedicalexperi-
mentsatthelocalmedicalschool.IrationalizedthatifIwasn’tdoing
the cutting, and it benefited society, then it wasn’t really self-injury. I
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