City Pages - 31 January 2018

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by  Star Tribune

JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018 | CITYPAGES.COM | FREE
2018
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SURVIVAL GUIDE
MULLEN The Eagles fans have landed p. 6 FOOD Eat, drink, play p. 19 MUSIC Where the locals go p. 35
Lyndale Lemonade
MIXOLOGY: 2 parts Jameson, 1 part triple sec, lemonade, splash of sour, twist
FIND BRYAN AT: 2549 Lyndale Avenue S, Minneapolis
DRINK OF CHOICE: High Life
HOBBIES: Playing guitar, hanging with family, cooking
BIGGEST PET PEEVE: People who put ranch on everything
FAVORITE MUSIC ARTIST OR GROUP: Jimi Hendrix
FIFA VSOOMRIETOEN MEN G AEVXEP EYROIUE $N5C0E0 OARN EDV YEONUT H: SAnDo TwOn aSmPEi ND IT ALL AT ONCE,
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ATTENTION: Tap their empty drink on the bar
WORST DATE YOU’VE EVER WITNESSED:
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2(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018
Editorial
EDITOR Pete Kotz
MANAGING EDITOR Hannah Sayle
January 31-February 6, 2018
WEB EDITOR Jay Boller
VOLUME 38 | NUMBER 1939 NEWS EDITOR Mike Mullen
MUSIC EDITOR Keith Harris
FOOD EDITOR Emily Cassel
ARTS EDITOR Jessica Armbruster
19 STAFF WRITER Susan Du
COPY CHIEF Bridgette Reinsmoen
PROOFREADER Bryan Miller
CLUBS EDITOR Erik Thompson
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS 
Jerard Fagerberg, Jay Gabler, Tony
Libera, Michael Madden, Erica Rivera,
Sheila Regan
CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS 
Galen Fletcher, Alma Guzman,
Lucy Hawthorne, E. Katie Holm,
Shelly Mosman, Tony Nelson,
Colin Michael Simmons
Art
ART DIRECTOR Emily Utne
LAYOUT EDITOR Holly Hilgenberg
Production
31
DESIGN MANAGER Dana Holmay
GRAPHIC DESIGNER Jackie Kilmer
Publisher
Mary Erickson
Advertising
SALES DIRECTOR Leah Parkinson
SENIOR ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Leah Carson,
Kevin Lenhart, Nick Rupar,
Brian Thunberg
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Jackson Dougherty,
Ashley Elumba, Luke Gildemeister,
Jacob Johnston
SENIOR MULTIMEDIA ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE
Mike Yanke
DIGITAL PRODUCT MANAGER Kibra Paulos
ACCOUNT MANAGERS
9 FEATURE Madeline Burke, Carly Dabroski
SUPER BOWL LII
CP Digital
CP DIGITAL DIRECTOR Anthony Englund
A tourist’s guide to local lingo, top non-stadium CP DIGITAL MANAGER Joey Ryan
destinations, and all the (pricey) big concerts
Marketing and Promotions
By CP staff MARKETING DIRECTOR Holly Hunt
MARKETING COORDINATOR Lacey Richgels
MARKETING INTERN Kendall Garvey
4 NEWS 29 FILM Business and Administration
FINANCE MANAGER Bernadette Botoshe
THE SHORTLIST THE INSULT STAFF ACCOUNTANT Du Nguyen Ho
Super Bowl A neighborly
economics squabble turns ugly
City Pages
BLOTTER 31 THEATER 80P0H 1OstN SEt . 6N1.2, .S3t7e5. 3.100015, M FinAnXe 6ap12o.l3is7, 2M.N37 5357401
Perks of being
THE WIZ E-MAIL [email protected]
rich and famous CITY PAGES ONLINE www.citypages.com
Penumbra and
OFFICE HOURS Monday-Friday
MULLEN Children’s Theatre 8:30 am to 5:30 pm
Eagles fans collaborate
descend
33 FASHION ISSN 0744-0456. City Pages is published weekly
by Star Tribune Media Company, LLC. City Pages
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Local spots that All Stars 3 premiere of the current issue may be purchased at the
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have fun on at the Saloon No person may, without prior written permis-
the menu sion of City Pages, take more than one copy of
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Minneapolis, MN 55401. Periodicals postage paid
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38 CLASSIFIEDS
cover credit SAVAGE LOVE
ILLUSTRATION BY:
CROSSWORD
Mink Coteaux
JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)3(cid:2)
THE SHORTLIST
Outfits for the
Jellybean Johnson might
just be too funky for
Super Bowl week
At citypages.com
BILLY BRIGGS
THE STAT SHEET
$3,132 5,800
Cheapest Super Bowl ticket selling on Number of
StubHub this week, down more than media representatives
$1,000 from the week before credentialed for the Super Bowl
$279,000 150,000
Most expensive seat on Total number of
StubHub this week expected visitors
“This is not Minnesota Nice.”
And for the
Reader Barb Ireland responds to “Ike’s debuts menu with $36 chips and guac,
gets roasted,” at citypages.com.
LIES & STATISTICS
POPULAR STORIES
WHEN CIVIC LEADERS originally pitched
AT CITYPAGES.COM the idea of a Minneapolis Super Bowl, they
bandied economic impact numbers in the
$500 million range. But like most corporate
We found the worst people
welfare schemes, the fine print is about to
on earth, and it’s these
taketh away.
EAGLES FANS [VIDEO]
The problem with these calculations is that
buy one get one
Here’s a big list of Minneapolis, St.
most of the money won’t stay in Minnesota.
25% off Paul, and Bloomington BARS OPEN Revenue for airfare, hotels, rental cars, etc.,
’TIL 4 A.M. Super Bowl weekend will boomerang back to distant corporate
FREE 2018 SUPER BOWL HQs as soon as the credit cards are swiped.
now through
CONCERTS: See complete lineup of Locally owned restaurants and bars should
February 14th Minneapolis shows on Nicollet Mall see a bonanza. But in a heavily concentrated
economy, most of the money will go to the
Can we save
same people it always does. Meaning: not you.
MARLA’S CARIBBEAN?
More scientific estimates put the impact
WORLD’S CLOWNS to closer to $125 million at best—and as little as
converge on Twin Cities for $30 million. Which means that, in the end,
the ‘Olympics’ of clowning we might not even make enough to cover
the welfare tab.
4(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018
BLOTTER
THE BENEFITS
OF BEING RICH
Life Time opens its arms to wealthy
Super Bowl visitors. And their abs.
The very rich are different from town during the week of the Super Bowl,” PAT
R
the rest of us. Namely: They the Business Journal reports. ICK
have more money. And they Thankfully, we can all now sleep bet- KE
N
get things for free. ter knowing that Jennifer Lopez and NE
D
There are a lot of Super Bowl-related the Florida Georgia Line guys will be Y, S
issues a Twin Cities resident could worry properly maintaining their abs. TAR
T
about: the displacement of the homeless, Life Time (formerly Life Time Fit- R
IB
the interruption of public services, or ness) made the offer to members of the UN
E
Eagles fans getting their tongues stuck Super Bowl Host Committee, a group
Life Time, the Twin Cities gym chain, has gallantly come to the rescue of
on frozen light poles. Ensuing that rich that includes UnitedHealth, Cargill, the health-conscious well-to-do who happen to have alligator arms.
people get their workouts in—free of Target, 3M, and U.S. Bank. According
charge—is likely not among them. to a spokesman, Life Time’s “personal
Nonetheless, Life Time, the Twin Cit- invitations to our partners, along with classes, spa treatments, meal services, On its website, Life Time encourages
ies gym chain, has gallantly come to the any of their special guests,” means if private basketball and volleyball courts, members: “Love your life in bold new
rescue of the health-conscious well-to-do Delta Air Lines or the Mall of America workspaces, and shuttle services.” ways.” And: “Laugh more. Do it all here.”
who happen to have alligator arms. The wants to enable a celebrity’s pilates habit, Depending on which service is being This may or may not now include your
corporation “is opening its Twin Cities all they have to do is ask. taken advantage of, Life Time reserves once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see
facilities free of charge to select VIPs in These offers include “private fitness the right to “request” this VIP pay a “fee.” Gwen Stefani on a treadmill. —MIKE MULLEN
JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)5(cid:2)
OPINION
Philly-osophy
What to expect when you’re expecting thousands of Eagles fans
T
ake cover, Twin Cities. The only statue, the Sid Hartman statue—and, come Super Bowl week, and when your hand
thing worse than watching the to think of it, Sid Hartman. comes to rest on something that feels wet,
Vikings getting picked apart but shouldn’t, wash it immediately.
by Philadelphia was realizing Airborne warfare
what that meant: The Eagles are going Eagles supporters rain down terror from Mind the horses
to the Super Bowl... and their fans are above. Anything throwable will do: snow- In successive weeks, two different Eagles Mike Mullen
coming to Minneapolis. balls, cheesesteaks, batteries, full beer cans, fans were arrested for punching police
Named for a majestic, soaring crea- commemorative items honoring the dead. horses. Minneapolis should protect its
ture, the Eagles franchise is followed Once, as an enraged Phillies fan was being equine servants by erecting a series of
by a lesser species, one that survives for ejected, he got back at his antagonist by dummy cop horses downtown. (A mid- Millie,” a reference to 99-year-old Vikes
months at a time on a diet of cheap beer tailgate Philly guy can’t tell if a horse is fan Millie Wall. The Twin Cities mustn’t
alone, hunting in packs, overwhelming its alive, a statue, or a blood relative.) Make let our weakest get separated from the
prey with a barrage of crude projectiles, the statues out of titanium. Arrest all the herd. Outfit the patients of Twin Cities
profanity, and spittle. Minnesota Nice bros walking around holding their busted children’s hospitals with bear mace. Teach
Four decades ago, Philadelphians knuckles. the nuns kung fu. Strap suicide bomb
booed and threw snowballs at Santa. Two will not get us vests to local dachshunds.
decades ago, a quickie-justice courtroom Auto fixation
and jail were built in the old Veterans through this. Not content to assault horses, the Eagles There will be fire
Stadium. Minnesotans who made the fan is equally bothered by modern forms The proud Philly fan has a bit of pyroma-
trip to Philly 10 days ago came back with of transportation. The Vikings team bus niac in him. Win, lose, or pregame, Eagles
stories that could get them membership was pelted with beer bottles and other people have been known to set flame to
in the VFW. induced-vomiting on the man—and his objects, and Philadelphians are prone trash, cars, and the jerseys of opposing
Locals must prepare in earnest for the 11-year-old daughter. We can limit toss- to flipping cars postgame, win or lose. or former players. The still-extant snow
arrival of the barbaric hordes. Minnesota able items, but cannot surgically remove It’s safest to avoid being in any sort of in Minneapolis will serve as a helpful
Nice will not get us through this. Thus, a their bile ducts. Plan on donning a helmet... organized mode of travel while they’re non-flammable boundary. Remember:
point-by-point survival guide for making and a coat you don’t care for. here, lest some band of them try to tip it Should a greased-up climber attempt
it to Monday. over. (Just how “light” is the light rail?) to set fire to a jersey he is holding—or,
Urine nation Instead, travel on foot and try to blend in. just as likely, still wearing—you must use
Grease everything You know those friends who taught their Stagger a little. If a pack of Eagles guys baking soda to extinguish it. Water will
Prior to the NFC Championship Game, kids it’s OK to pee anywhere, and now sets upon you, freeze in place. They will only feed the flame! For flaming Eagles
Philadelphia city workers were seen greas- everyone has to pretend there’s not a mistake you for a statue, and probably try fans who are not covered in grease, a
ing the city’s street light polls to make climb- 10-year-old urinating loudly five feet from climbing and/or peeing on you, but will dousing of water—or a series of accu-
ing them more difficult. No matter. Sloshed the grill? That parent is Philly, and that at least leave you upright. rate snowballs—will suffice. If neither
Eagles fans shimmied up anyway. They can kid is everyone there. In 2016, the city is available, try rolling the blazing man
have the poles, but let’s not let our monu- began painting building exteriors with No one is safe toward any nearby Eagles fans. Eventu-
ments be mounted. By Sunday morning, a special reflective coating, intended to Like a heat wave or the flu, Eagles fans ally, someone will put out the fire. By
the following shall be coated in Crisco: the bounce piss back onto the pisser. One specifically target the most vulnerable. peeing on him. ç
newly relit Grain Belt sign, First Avenue, visiting Minnesota fan told of having his One story told of a fan flipping off a
the Spoonbridge and Cherry, the St. Paul Vikings hat knocked off his head; as if on Vikings-hat wearing baby in a stroller.
Cathedral, the rest of Cathedral Hill, Split cue, another Eagles fan quickly peed on On video, two douchebags paraded in [email protected]
Rock Lighthouse, the Mary Tyler Moore the cap. Beware yellow snow throughout south Philly with a sign reading, “Fuck Follow Mike on Twitter: @mikemullen_
6(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018
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JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)7(cid:2)
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8(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018
UFF DA!
“Uff da, alla these fans’ll have 35 jammed
all the way to Hinckley!.”
The presence of Super Bowl tourists will
disrupt north-south traffic on a major
interstate highway.
“What kind of music do you like?”
THE SUPER BOWL TOURIST’S GUIDE Prince, say Prince, please say Prince,
Prince-or-Bob Dylan, Prince-or-Bob
TO SPEAKING MINNESOTAN
Dylan-or-the Replacements...
(cid:81)(cid:3)BY CITY PAGES STAFF (cid:81) “You’re a Patriots fan, huh? You know
Tom Brady used to visit family in Min-
nesota and milk cows on their farm?”
He owes his success to us. We are entitled
“ to one of his Super Bowl rings. How many
!
does one man need?
GEEZ!
“You’re an Eagles fan, huh? Oh, I heard so
much about the trips people took there
for the Vikings game.”
I am trying to dial 911 without removing
my phone from my pocket.
“Ope! I’m just gonna sneeeeeak past ya...”
?
You’re in my way, but mentioning that
might feel like a confrontation, so instead
I’ll just act like our uncomfortable prox-
... imity is somehow my fault.
SURE, “Do you like spicy food?”
I know a place with two kinds of salsa!

YOU “You’ve never had lutefisk?”
Go ahead. Ask me what it is. I just want
BETCHA to see your expression as you imagine
dried whitefish soaked in lye until it turns
OPE! translucent and gelatinous.
“Didja know Justin Timberlake’s wife
is from Ely?”
Our state is capable of producing beautiful
celebrities like Jessica Biel. Within the
next few minutes I will be awkwardly
wedging Josh Hartnett, Chris Pratt, Win-
ona Ryder, Vince Vaughn, and Lindsey
Vonn into the conversation.
WELCOME TO MINNESOTA, “The Vikes will be playing in this thing great!/I’m so sorry to hear that!/I think “Can youse guys borrow me a couple
FOOTBALL FANS! next year, dontcha know.” my nose is broken! bucks? $12 for Jucy Lucy and tots is
A symptom of the area’s pervasive delusion pretty spendy.”
That previous sentence is pretty much the regarding all matters football. Defenses “Sure, you betcha.” Would you lend me money? I did not
only straightforward, easily understood include gently patting subject on the head I’m not disputing your previous statement. anticipate paying this much for a ham-
thing you’ll hear from a Minnesotan dur- and saying, “There, there, everything will I may not agree with it. I have acknowl- burger filled with molten cheese and
ing your brief stay in our frigid land. In be all right.” edged that you said it. fried potato cylinders.
conversation, we tend to be stoic, mysteri-
ous, and non-confrontational to a fault. “That’s... interesting.” “I bet you expected everyone up here “Actually, I grew up in Wisconsin.”
City Pages has helpfully translated a You are talking like a weirdo. Please cease to sound like they’re from the movie I come from a long line of cheerful alco-
few common Minnesota-isms so out-of- and desist. Fargo!” holics, each of whom can still name every
towners have a better chance of under- I don’t sound like someone from Fargo, single person who has ever played for the
standing the local patois: “You can get a pop at the SA kitty-corner do I? Don’t tell me I sound like my frig- Green Bay Packers.
from the sub shop.” gin’ aunt.
“It’s actually not that bad out there.” Soft drinks are sold at the gas station “Well, nice talking to you, but we should
General assessment of the weather suit- located diagonally from that sandwich “You know what restaurant you should probably get goin’ here.”
able for any conditions warmer than -20. establishment. try?” Known as the Minnesota Goodbye. A
Usually arrived at by at equation of tem- I know a business that will bring you a phrase that will be repeated over the
perature + wind child = will not explode “Geez!” platter of food bigger than a toddler for next 15-90 minutes as my spouse and I
your face. Holy shit!/Unbelievable!/Brilliant!/That’s $4.99. slowly make our way to the door.
JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)9(cid:2)
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EL NUEVO RODEO
2709 E. LAKE STREET, MINNEAPOLIS, MN 55406
WWW.UPPERESHUHLON.COM
10(cid:2)CITYPAGES.COM(cid:2)JANUARY 31–FEBRUARY 6, 2018