Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

393 Pages·2001·1.21 MB·English

by  John Gray

CHILDREN
A R E
F R O M
H E A V E N
Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative,
Confident, and Compassionate Children
fl
OHN GRAY, Ph.D.
This book is dedicated with greatest love and affection to
my wife, Bonnie Gray. I could not have written this book
without her wisdom and insight. Her love, joy, and light
have not only graced my life, but our children’s as well.
Contents
Acknowledgments xi
Introduction xiii
1 Children Are from Heaven 1
Every Child Has His or Her
Own Unique Problems 2
The Five Messages of Positive Parenting 6
A Vision of Possibilities 18
2 What Makes the Five Messages Work 21
The Pressure of Parenting 22
Reinventing Parenting 23
A Short History of Parenting 25
Violence in, Violence out 27
Why Children Become Unruly and Disruptive 31
A Global Shift in Consciousness 34
3 New Skills to Create Cooperation 38
Ask, but Don’t Order or Demand 38
Use “Would You” And Not “Could You” 39
Give up Rhetorical Questions 43
Be Direct 45
Give up Explanations 46
Give up Giving Lectures 48
Don’t Use Feelings to Manipulate 49
iii
iv Contents
The Magic Word to Create Cooperation 51
A Short Review and Practice 52
What to Do When Children Resist 54
4 New Skills to Minimize Resistance 55
Four Skills to Minimize Resistance 56
The Four Temperaments 57
Sensitive Children Need
Listening and Understanding 58
Active Children Need
Preparation and Structure 61
Responsive Children Need
Distraction and Direction 66
The Gift of Singing 68
Making Chores Fun 69
The Gift of Reading 71
Using Distraction to Redirect 72
Receptive Children Need Ritual and Rhythm 75
Loving Rituals 78
Practical Rituals 81
Giving Our Children What They Need 82
5 New Skills for Improving Communication 83
Why Children Resist 84
Taking Time to Listen 86
The Two Conditions 88
Hard-Love Parenting 90
Soft-Love Parenting 94
Learning to Delay Gratification 98
Meeting Your Children’s Needs 100
6 New Skills for Increasing Motivation 102
A Short Update on Punishment 103
Contents v
Why and When Punishment Worked 104
The Positive Side of Punishment 106
The Simple Proof 108
The Alternative to Punishment Is Reward 110
The Two Reasons a Child Misbehaves 112
Why Giving Rewards Works 112
Negative Acknowledgments 114
Catching Your Child Being Good
or Doing the Right Thing 117
The Magic of Rewards 119
Why Children Resist Our Direction 120
Understanding Rewards 122
Rewards According to Temperaments 125
Sample Rewards 126
Always Have Something up Your Sleeve 127
A List of Rewards 129
Recurring Patterns 131
Rewarding Teenagers 132
Dealing with a Demanding Child in Public 133
Rewards Are Like Dessert 134
Learning from Natural Consequences 135
The Fear of Rewards 138
7 New Skills for Asserting Leadership 140
Learning How to Command 141
Don’t Use Emotions to Command 142
It’s Okay to Make Mistakes 143
When Emotions Are not Helpful 144
Yelling Doesn’t Work 145
Make Your Commands Positive 146
Command but Don’t Explain 149
Commanding Teenagers 151
Reasons and Resistance 153
vi Contents
A Better Way of Commanding 155
Increasing Cooperation 156
Choosing Your Battles 157
8 New Skills for Maintaining Control 159
The Need for Time Out 160
How Negative Feelings Get Released 163
The Ideal Time Out 164
Explaining Time Outs 165
Four Common Mistakes 167
Too Much Time Out 167
Not Enough Time Out 168
Expecting Your Child to Sit Quietly 170
Using Time Out as Punishment 171
Hugging Dad 172
Adjusting Your Will Versus Caving In 173
When to Give Time Out 174
Three Strikes and You Are Out 175
When Time Out Doesn’t Work 176
What Makes the Five Skills Work 177
9 It’s Okay to Be Different 180
Gender Differences 182
Different Needs for Trust and Caring 183
Continuing to Trust and Care 185
Boys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus 188
Mr. Fix-It 190
Mrs. Home Improvement 192
When Advice Is Good 194
Boys Forget and Girls Remember 195
Different Generations 197
The Culture of Violence 198
Different Temperaments 200
Contents vii
How Temperaments Transform 201
Afternoon Activities 203
Different Body Types 204
Different Intelligence 206
Academic Intelligence 207
Emotional Intelligence 207
Physical Intelligence 208
Creative Intelligence 208
Artistic Intelligence 209
Common Sense Intelligence 210
Intuitive Intelligence 210
Gifted Intelligence 211
Different Speeds of Learning 213
Good Here but Not Good There 214
Comparing Children 215
10 It’s Okay to Make Mistakes 217
From Innocence to Responsibility 218
Whose Fault Is it Anyway? 223
Learning Responsibility 224
Hardwired to Self-Correct 226
Your Child’s Learning Curve 226
Understanding Repetition 228
Learning from Mistakes 229
Learning to Make Amends 231
Don’t Punish, Make Adjustments 234
How to React When Children Make a Mistake 236
Doing Your Best Is Good Enough 243
When it Is Not Okay to Make Mistakes 246
Hiding Mistakes and Not Telling the Truth 247
Children of Divorced Parents 249
Not Setting High Standards or Taking Risks 250
Justifying Mistakes or Blaming Others 252
viii Contents
Teens at Risk 254
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Punishment 256
Making it Okay to Make Mistakes 259
11 It’s Okay to Express Negative Emotions 261
The Importance of Managing Feelings 262
Learning to Manage Feelings 264
Coping with Loss 266
Why Expressing Emotion Helps 267
The Power of Empathy 269
The Five Second Pause 271
When Children Resist Empathy 274
When Parents Express Negative Emotions 275
The Mistake of Sharing Feelings 278
Asking Children How They Feel 280
What You Suppress, Your Children Will Express 281
The Black Sheep of the Family 284
Making Negative Emotions Okay 285
12 It’s Okay to Want More 286
The Fears About Desire 287
The Virtues of Gratitude 289
Permission to Negotiate 291
Learning to Say No 292
Ten Ways to Say No 294
Asking for More 295
Modeling How to Ask 296
The Power of Asking 297
Giving Too Much 299
Children Will Always Want More 300
Children of Divorced Parents 301
The Longing of the Human Spirit 303