Celebrating Time Alone

192 Pages·2009·1.31 MB·English

by  Lionel Fisher

Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Acknowledgments
Preface
Introduction
Finding a Path with Heart: The New Hermits
Gone to Innisfree: Journey to the Undiscovered Country
It’s About Time: The Only Real Wealth
Through Loss, Sorrow, Denial: The Long Passage Home
The Unabashed Joys of Self-Indulgence
The Dragon at the Gate of Solitude: Loneliness
Alone Together: Making the Best of Both Worlds
The Tao of Now: Passion for Each Passing Moment
Sex and the Solitary Person: Life Without Physical Intimacy
A Logo for Those Alone: No Fear! And No More Regrets
Achieving Egolessness: Getting Out of Our Own Way
In Search of Validity: Truth, Authenticity, Self
The Way of the Curmudgeon: Better Living Through Eccentricity
Preparing for the Trip of a Lifetime
The Long, Courageous Journey to Ourselves
Bibliography
Other Books from Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.
BEYOND WORDS PUBLISHING, INC.
Back Cover Material
To new life, fresh hope:
For Sophie, born April 8, 2000
Acknowledgments
For a long time, I was the only one who believed in this book. Then, one
by one, these special people came to believe as well; to them I extend my
sincere appreciation, affection, and gratitude:
My agent, the wonderful Susan Travis of Burbank, California. What a
delightful phrase, “my agent,” as in “My agent says ... I couldn’t have done
it without my agent.... My agent is terrific!”
The patient, perceptive, perspicacious editors at Beyond Words
Publishing: Rosemary Wray, for whom the proposal “resonated,” and
whose firm, sensitive hand was later vital in shaping a leaner, stronger,
consistently honest book. The ever obliging, unfailingly helpful Julie
Steigerwaldt. The highly creative, thoroughly professional Laura Carlsmith.
Copyeditor David Abel, who did what he had to do while treating the
highly personal thoughts and feelings with integrity and respect. And at the
top where all decisions stop and start, the kind, open, gutsy Cindy Black.
I’m glad I don’t have to call a publisher if my house catches fire, but I can’t
imagine a more capable, inspiring crew to put out a book.
The Contessas of Portland: Carene, who encouraged me to approach
Beyond Words as the perfect publisher for this book—had she not, it might
have stayed in my head and heart forever; and Janet, whose huge
enthusiasm and participation have proven indispensable to its scope and
integrity.
Joleen Colombo, whose encouragement for me to record my odyssey to
the beach in Writers NW sowed the seeds for this book.
Jane, who has shared my life through all the years together and apart,
who knows me better and cares for me more than anyone save our children,
and for whom many of the unspoken apologies and acknowledged regrets
in this book are intended.
And all of the generous, unselfish men and women who shared with me
their thoughts, feelings, heartfelt emotions, and unflinching honesty.
Without their inspiring words and courageous stories, there would be no
book. You know who you are.
Preface
We write alone, but we do not
write in isolation. No matter how
fantastic a story line may be, it
still comes out of our response
to what is happening to us and
to the world in which we live.
—MADELEINE L’ ENGLE
This is a book of stories. The people in the stories are real; what they tell
of their lives is true.
Their truths may not be your truths. The choices they have made you
might shun. The paths they have traveled may stray far from your own.
Then again, some of their truths, some of their paths could become yours.
These courageous men and women have told their stories, revealed their
struggles, heartaches, failures, and successes—not for the judgment of
others, but for their own sake and for their own validation: to understand,
confirm, and celebrate the marvelous discovery of themselves.
It is because of them that this book does not contain the usual Greek
chorus of professional healers proclaiming yea or nay, this isn’t normal, this
isn’t right.
If part of their longing, pain, triumph, and redemption touches something
inside of you and helps you to find your own answers, your own paths, your
own fulfillment, then that is reason enough to share them.
Introduction
solitaire ... a precious stone,
esp. a diamond, set by itself.
It scares us more than anything except death.
Being alone.
Our fear of aloneness is so ingrained that given the choice of being by
ourselves or being with others we opt for safety in numbers, even at the
expense of lingering in painful, boring, or totally unredeeming company.
And yet more of us than ever are alone.
“Never before in American history has living alone been the predominant
lifestyle.”
In 1955, one in ten U.S. households consisted of one person. By 1999,
the proportion was one in three. Single men and women accounted for 38.9
million of the nation’s 110.5 million households. Sixty percent of them
were under the age of sixty-five; roughly 60 percent of them were women.
On the cusp of the new century, approximately 14.3 million American
women and 24.6 million American men over the age of twenty-five lived
alone, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
By 1999, single parents with children under the age of eighteen made up
27.3 percent of the nation’s 70.9 million family households. Among them
were 2.1 million father-child and 9.8 million mother-child families. Forty-
two percent of single-parent mothers had never wed.
Meanwhile, many more Americans are divorcing. In less than three
decades, reports the Census Bureau, the number of divorced men and
women has more than quadrupled—to a total of 18.3 million in 1996,
compared to 4.3 million in 1970.
And many more Americans are not marrying. The number of adult men
and women who have remained single has more than doubled in thirty years
—to 44.9 million in 1996 from 21.4 million in 1970.
“Never before in American history has living alone been the predominant
lifestyle,” observes demographic trends analyst Cheryl Russell, who
predicts that single-person households will become the most common
household type in the United States by the year 2005.
Nonetheless, we persist in the conviction that a solitary existence is the
harshest penalty life can mete out. We loathe being alone—anytime,
anywhere, for too long, for whatever reason.
From childhood we’re conditioned to accept that when alone we
instinctively ache for company, that loners are outsiders yearning to get in
rather than people who are content with their own company.
Alone, we squander life by rejecting its full potential and wasting its
remaining promises. Alone, we accept that experiences unshared are barely
worthwhile, that sunsets viewed singly are not as spectacular, that time
spent apart is fallow and pointless.
And so we grow old believing we are nothing by ourselves, steadfastly
shunning the opportunities for self-discovery and personal growth that
solitude could bring us.
We’ve even coined a word for those who prefer to be by themselves:
antisocial, as if they were enemies of society. They are viewed as
friendless, suspect in a world that goes around in twos or more and is wary
of solitary travelers.
People who need people are threatened by people who don’t. The idea of
seeking contentment alone is heretical, for society steadfastly decrees that
our completeness lies in others.
Instead, we cling to each other for solace, comfort, and safety, believing
that we are nothing alone—insignificant, unfulfilled, lost—accepting
solitude in the tiniest, most reluctant of slices, if at all, which is tragic, for it
rejects God’s precious gift of life.
Ironically, most of us crave more intimacy and companionship than we
can bear. We begrudge ourselves, our spouses, and our partners sufficient
physical and emotional breathing room, and then bemoan the suffocation of
our relationships.
To point out these facts is not to suggest we should abandon all our close
ties. Medical surveys show that the majority of elderly people who live
alone, yet maintain frequent contact with relatives and friends, rate their
physical and emotional well-being as “excellent.” Just as an apple a day
kept the doctor away when they were young, an active social calendar
appears to serve the same purpose now.
But we need to befriend and enjoy ourselves as well.
How does that old song go? “I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to
me....”
“We must relearn to be alone,” exhorts Anne Morrow Lindbergh in her
inspirational book, Gift from the Sea. “Instead of planting our solitude with
dream blossoms, we choke the space with continuous music, chatter, and
companionship to which we do not even listen. It is simply there to fill the
vacuum.”
“We can’t stand the silence,” said Agnes de Mille, “because silence
includes thinking. And if we thought, we would have to face ourselves.”
Let us learn, then, from those in search of what they have not been able
to find and hold in the press of humanity around them: peace of mind,
gentleness of heart, calmness of spirit, daily joy. Those who are mastering
the art of flying solo and soaring to their highest human potential.
Who have come to understand that to know and to love and to be of
value to others, they first must know and love and value themselves; that to
find their way in the world, they have to start by finding themselves.
“Before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves,” Thomas
Merton pointed out. “For no one can give up what he does not possess.”
They are the men and women who have found nobility in turning to
themselves first when facing life’s challenges—and not blaming anyone
else if they fail.
Who find silence eloquent rather than empty.
Who have discovered that being alone can impose a startling clarity in
their lives, achieved through the personal reflection we seem to allow
ourselves only in times of severe loss and intense grief.
Who trust their aloneness, using it to embrace and nurture their
individuality, to celebrate themselves in their own special ways.
Who have become boon companions to the best friends they’ll ever have.
Guess who?
Who are living alone well, even magnificently, in full affirmation of the
preciousness of life.
The premise of this book is timeless and simple: there are gifts we can
only give ourselves, lessons no one else can teach us, triumphs we must
achieve alone.
It affirms that it is all right to be alone, to want to be alone, to be alone
and not lonely—even to be lonely at times—because the rewards of
solitude are worth the deprivations.
It sings the triumphs of those who have found amazing grace alone.
Their inspirational stories and messages of hope are filled with the
resilience, courage, and strength of people who deal gracefully, even
heroically, with life—even if it isn’t the life they wanted—because not to do
so would be a repudiation of life itself.
They lead us in quest of our own undiscovered selves.
To follow them, we must be willing to do what frightens us most. Be
alone.