Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last (2007) PDF
Preview Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last (2007)
6th edition Building a Parenting Agreement That Works How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn’t Last By Mimi E. Lyster always up to date The law changes, but Nolo is on top of it! We offer several ways to make sure you and your Nolo products are up to date: 1 Nolo’s Legal Updater We’ll send you an email whenever a new edition of this book is published! Sign up at www.nolo.com/legalupdater. 2 Updates @ Nolo.com Check www.nolo.com/update to fi nd recent changes in the law that affect the current edition of your book. 3 Nolo Customer Service To make sure that this edition of the book is the most recent one, call us at 800-728-3555 and ask one of our friendly customer service representatives. Or fi nd out at www.nolo.com. please note We believe accurate, plain-English legal information should help you solve many of your own legal problems. But this text is not a substitute for personalized advice from a knowledgeable lawyer. If you want the help of a trained professional—and we’ll always point out situations in which we think that’s a good idea—consult an attorney licensed to practice in your state. 6th edition Building a Parenting Agreement That Works How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn’t Last By Mimi E. Lyster Sixth Edition SEptEmbEr 2007 Editor Emily doSkow book & Cover design SuSan putnEy proofreader paul tylEr index miChaEl fErrEira printing ConSolidatEd printErS, inC. lyster, mimi E. building a parenting agreement that works: how to put your kids first when your marriage doesn’t last / by mimi E. lyster -- 6th ed. p. cm. includes index. iSbn-13: 978-1-4133-0722-1 (pbk.) iSbn-10: 1-4133-0722-1 1. Custody of children--united States--popular works. 2. divorce settlements--united States--popular works--popular works. i. title. kf547.Z9l97 2007 346.7301'73--dc22 2007013006 Copyright © 1995, 1996, 1999, 2003, 2005, and 2007 by Vdr associates, inc. all riGhtS rESErVEd. printEd in thE uSa. no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without prior written permission. reproduction prohibitions do not apply to the forms c ontained in this product when reproduced for personal use. Quantity sales: for information on bulk purchases or corporate premium sales, please contact the Special Sales department. for academic sales or textbook adoptions, ask for academic Sales. Call 800-955-4775 or write to nolo, 950 parker Street, berkeley, Ca 94710. Dedication to the children who liven up my life and fill our home with joy, katelyn, ben, alysha, and nichelle. and to my husband, Steve, whose love and support has carried me so far. Acknowledgments i continue to owe thanks to: • Kevin Elkus, John Helie, and Steve Elias for helping me cling to the notion that our virtual team will yet pull a rabbit from some hat • the editing department at Nolo for helping to bring this edition into being, and • my mediation mentors, peers, and clients for helping me to learn with increasing clar- ity the power of facilitated dialogue decision making. i would also like to thank those that i have come to know and work with in California’s court system for their significant contributions to my understanding of this work and the evolving context within which families are helped to find satisfying and child-focused solu- tions to their parenting disputes. Table of Contents I Introduction Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible ..........................................................2 What If We Need Outside Help? ........................................................................................3 Balancing Parenting and Financial Issues.......................................................................3 Why This Book Is Unique .......................................................................................................4 A Word to Skeptics ....................................................................................................................5 What If You Just Want to Fight? .........................................................................................6 Part I: Getting Started 1 Taking Stock of Your Situation You Are Not Alone .................................................................................................................12 Keep Your Parenting Plan Focused on Your Children .........................................12 It Gets Easier Over Time ......................................................................................................13 Learn How to Negotiate ......................................................................................................15 If the Other Parent Is Absent ............................................................................................16 If There Is Violence or Abuse in the Family ...............................................................16 2 An Introduction to Parenting Agreements What Parenting Agreements Cover ..............................................................................20 Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Agreements ......................................................20 Goals of a Successful Parenting Agreement ..............................................................21 Parenting Agreements and Custody .............................................................................23 3 Getting Organized Organize and Review Documents ..................................................................................26 Completing the Worksheets .............................................................................................27 Sample Worksheets ................................................................................................................29 4 How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement Knowing What You Need and Want ............................................................................39 When Conflict Gets in the Way .....................................................................................40 Using Effective Negotiation and Problem-Solving Strategies ..........................46 Breaking Through Impasses ...............................................................................................51 Knowing Where to Get Help and Support ................................................................55 Part II: Your Parenting Agreement 5 Building Your Agreement Where to Begin .........................................................................................................................62 Cooperate! Cooperate! Cooperate! ................................................................................63 Get Outside Help.....................................................................................................................63 Keep Your Agreement Current ........................................................................................64 6 Basic Elements Issue 1: Where Our Children Will Live .........................................................................67 Issue 2: Medical, Dental, and Vision Care ...................................................................75 Issue 3: Negative Comments or Remarks ...................................................................77 Issue 4: Consistency in Raising Children......................................................................78 Issue 5: Holidays........................................................................................................................79 Issue 6: Education ....................................................................................................................81 Issue 7: Insurance .....................................................................................................................85 Issue 8: Making Decisions ....................................................................................................87 Issue 9: Resolving Disputes .................................................................................................90 Issue 10: Labeling the Custody Arrangement ..........................................................94 7 Finishing Touches Issue 11: Exchanging Information .................................................................................101 Issue 12: Child Care ...............................................................................................................103 Issue 13: Special Occasions and Family Events ......................................................106 Issue 14: Vacations ................................................................................................................107 Issue 15: Outside Activities ..............................................................................................108 Issue 16: Transportation Between Parents’ Homes .............................................109 Issue 17: Improving Transition Times .........................................................................111 Issue 18: Maintaining Contact ........................................................................................113
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