Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Xander Years - Volume 01

156 Pages·2016·0.72 MB·English

by  Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“PERFECT. YOU HAD TO MAKE THIS HARDER, DIDN’T
YOU?”
Cordy sounded annoyed, of all things.
“Okay,” Xander said slowly. “Clearly the fact that I please you visually has
got us off on the wrong foot here.”
“Xander—” she started.
He handed her the gift box.
Cordelia took the box and opened it. “Xander, thank you.” She took out the
necklace. “It’s beautiful.” Then she lowered the chain into the box and said, “I
want to break up.”
Xander somehow managed not to scream. “Okay, not quite the reaction I was
looking for.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” Cordy said, and for once in her life, she sounded sincere.
“It’s just—who are we kidding? We don’t fit.”
A small part of Xander saw this coming. A lifetime of rejection had prepared
him for this moment.
But not tonight. Of all nights, not tonight.
“Yeah, okay,” he said, trying and failing to keep his temper. “You know
what’s a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine’s
Day! I mean, what, were you just running low on dramatic irony?”
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A novelization by Keith R.A. DeCandido Based on the hit TV series
created by Joss Whedon Based on the teleplays “Teacher’s Pet” by
David Greenwalt, “Inca Mummy Girl” by Matt Kiene & Joe
Reinkemeyer, and “Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered” by Marti
Noxon
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
TONIGHT, PART 1
TEACHER’S PET
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
TONIGHT, PART 2
INCA MUMMY GIRL
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
TONIGHT, PART 3
BEWITCHED, BOTHERED, AND BEWILDERED
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
TONIGHT, PART 4
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
This book is dedicated to Alexander LaVelle Harris, a hero to all us high-school
geeks, and also to Joss Whedon, who gave him life, and to Nicholas Brendon,
who gave him form and substance.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Primary thanks have to go to Buffy creator/executive producer Joss Whedon,
whose fault this all is, as well as David Greenwalt and Bruce Seth Green (who
wrote and directed “Teacher’s Pet”), Matt Kiene and Joe Reinkemeyer and Ellen
S. Pressman (“Inca Mummy Girl”), and Marti Noxon and James A. Contner
(“Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered”; my one regret in this book is that I
could not do justice in prose to the magnificent “Got the Love” scene in this
episode, for which I most heartily commend Ms. Noxon and Mr. Conter).
Huge thanks of course go to my editor, the magnificent Lisa Clancy, and her
assistant, the equally magnificent Elizabeth Shiflett, for the opportunity to work
on the book and for answering all my stupid and annoying questions. Huge
thanks also to Christopher Golden and Nancy Holder, for opening several doors,
and to Laura Anne Gilman, for being both best editor and best friend.
Not-so-huge (but still pretty big) thanks go to the following: John C. Bunnell,
Livia DeCandido, John S. Drew, Brandy Hauman, Orenthal V. Hawkins,
Alexandra Elizabeth Honigsberg, David M. Honigsberg, Dori Koogler, Julianne
Lee, Andrea K. Lipinski, Peter Liverakos, Dave Logsdon, James Macdonald,
Ashley McConnell, Sue Phillips, Kimberley Rector, the gang on Buffy-
TONIGHT, PART 1
The argument started when Cordelia saw what Xander was wearing.
He had only just walked into the Bronze when Cordy started in on him. “My
God, what is that outfit?”
“It’s called ‘clothes.’ ”
“No, I’m wearing clothes. You are wearing rags. Xander, do you even know
what it means to accessorize?”
Shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the same time, Xander replied, “Yeah.
To accessorize. A verb deriving from the noun accessory. Loosely defined as,
‘Caring way more about what you’re wearing than is necessary for simple
human interpersonal contact.’ ”
Gesturing as if she were pleading with Xander to not jump off a high ledge,
Cordelia said, “Xander, clothes are what define who you are to the world. They
put out a message that says, ‘I’m cool’ or ‘I’m a jock’ or ‘I’m a computer geek’
or, in your case, ‘I’m a loser with no redeeming social value.’ ”
It went downhill from there, at least up to the part where they made up by
necking near the restrooms.
Xander returned home and fell more than sat on his bed, not even bothering to
clear a space for himself—he just collapsed onto the dirty laundry festooned on
the sheets and stared at the ceiling. All in all, it had been a typical date: arguing
for an hour, necking for an hour. Not exactly how I pictured dating, he thought.
Certainly not how all those fantasy dates with Buffy went in my head.
He turned toward the bedside table to stare at the photograph next to his clock
radio. Willow’s mom had taken that picture of Buffy, Willow, and Xander
sophomore year. Buffy’s hair was longer then—so, if it came to that, was
Xander’s.
Things were simpler then, he thought. She was the Slayer, we were the
Slayerettes. She killed vampires and demons, and we helped out. Angel was just
the mysterious guy who showed up to give cryptic info and disappear, Cordelia
was just her usual irritating self, there was no Kendra, no Oz, no Ms. Calendar,
no Spike and Drusilla. Just the three of us and Giles against the bad guys. Those