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BOUND TO BE FREE CHARLES MOSER, Ph.D., M.D. AND JJ MADESON BOUND TO BE FREE The SM Experience CONTINUUM .,. NEW YORK 2000 The Continuum Publishing Company 370 Lexington Avenue New York, NY 10017 Copyright IC> 1996 by Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D. and JJ Madeson All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of The Continuum Publishing Company. Printed in the United States of America Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Moser, Charles, Dr. Bound to be free : the SM experience / Charles Moser, JJ Madeson. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN.0-8264-1047-2 (pbk.l lalk. paper! 1. Sadomasochism-Case studies. 2. Sexual deviation-Case studies. 3. Sex IPsychology)-Case studies. I. Madeson, J. J. II. Title. HQ79.M67 1998 306.77'5-dc20 95-44572 CIP Acknowledgments will be found on page 211, which constitutes an extension of the copyright page. To Andy, for opening the door; To Gabe, for helping me through it; And to Bobby-always to Bobby- for making the past, the present and the future a Wonderful, Exciting, Love-Filled Adventure, And to the Bay Area SM Community: I hope we've "done you proud." And to Michael: I miss you. JJ Some ... may dress in leather; these and others may play with it. But leather is no affectation; it is an expression of the soul. Geoff Mains Urban Aboriginals Our sexual energy is literally our life force at its rawest-no shields, no disguises, no polite mistaking it for something else. This is especially true with SM. Sexuality is energy as tangible as that which turns the earth. SAMOI S Coming to Power Contents Preface 11 PART I ..,. THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS Introduction: Dr. Moser 19 1. Definition 21 2. What Do We Know about Sadomasochism? 34 3. The SM Individual: Who Are Those Guys Anyway 39 PART II ..,. BEYOND THE LOOKING GLASS Introduction: Tl's Story-Welcome to My World 47 4. Getting There: Down the Yellow Brick Road 55 5. Building Blocks: Trust and Consent 67 6. Why on Earth Do We Do This Stuff? 72 7. Roles: To Have or Be Had: That Is the Question 80 GRANT'S TALE 80 8. The Nuts and Bolts of Whips and Chains 115 9. Pain: An Exquisite Agony 145 10. Meeting Others: We're Not in Kansas Anymore. Toto! 158 11. SM, Politics, and the Law 1-86 12. The Downside of the Dark Side 194 Odds and Ends 204 Notes 206 Acknowledgments 211 Preface This book is written to explain and demystify the world of sadomasochism (SM). It is neither political statement nor scientific research. It is, rather, an intelligent, fully informed, fact-based discus sion of what SM is, what it means to its practitioners, how it is practiced and the structure of its subculture in contemporary American society. Serious books about SM in today's culture are rare, and it is no surprise that myths and misinformation abound. With few exceptions, previous works have presented only the viewpoints of outside observers such as psychologists or sociologists: in other words, outsiders looking in. Like all sexual behavior, however, SM is far more than it seems, encompassing an enormous spectrum of physiological and psychologi cal mechanisms. By its reliance only on observed behavior, the out sider's view has consistently led to misconceptions and patently false interpretations of SM behavior. This book moves beyond the superficial and the inherently mis leading, focusing on actual SM behavior by fully integrating the exter nal view of the academic with the internal view of the SM practitioner. JJ Madeson has been an active participant in the SM subculture for fifteen years, and a frequent lecturer on the subject before academic and nonacademic groups; Dr. Charles Moser is a physician, sexologist, licensed clinical social worker, and respected academic researcher specializing in the study of sadomasochism. By collaborating, we have attempted to provide a point of view that is uniquely accurate, sensitive, and fair in its depiction and interpretation of erotic sadomasochism. 12 "' PREFACE In candor and fairness to the reader, we state our belief that human sexuality is positive, and that a very wide spectrum of sexual tastes and desires is normal: Sex is okay. SM is okay. Despite the rampant myths and lurid press that surround sadomasochism, nothing in our collective research, clinical practice or personal experience has con vinced us that there is anything inherently wrong, immoral or un healthy about this mode of sexual expression. While we will briefly discuss the history behind the perception of SM as an illness or a "deviation," our view is that SM represents nothing more than one choice from the vast menu of sexual possibilities. It is, for the overwhelming majority of its practitioners, a loving sexual option. Done responsibly, it is as safe and as pleasurable as any other sexual activity. There are "breast men" and "leg men"; there are women who are turned on by men's buttocks, their hands or their eyes. Likewise, there are people who are turned on by SM. It is that simple. Our purpose is to guide the reader toward a clearer understanding of the realities of sadomasochism, because we believe there are natural curiosities about the topic, because fear of SM is unnecessary and because the only way to alleviate such fear is through education. To understand our subject matter, you will need t() suspend your preconceptions about SM-or be willing, at least, to question them. Even if you have seen SM behavior in movies, or read about it in books or magazines, be aware that these portrayals are often misleading; the physical activities taking place are only part of the experience. As important are the psychological and emotional components of SM sexuality that cannot be fully or accurately depicted on film or in literature, and virtually none has even attempted to do so. Rather, we ask the reader to look through the eyes of knowledgeable observers and participants to see the deeper love and tenderness inherent in SM play- because SM is about love, sex, tenderness, trust and respect. Everything within an SM exchange is done with the intent of pro ducing physical or emotional pleasure.1 We do not speak officially for the SM community, but we believe that the majority of that community will agree with the observations and perceptions we present here. In fact, the experiences and emotions described in the following pages are gathered from those in the SM community- acquaintances, clients, friends and lovers. While we have altered some details and deleted all names to preserve their privacy, the substance of their comments and views has not been changed. PREFACE "' 13 Part I of this book (Chapters 1-3) is the work of Dr. Charles Moser, based on his extensive research and clinical experience-plus the inval uable insight provided by JJ Madeson as an SM participant. In Part I, the term we refers to both the authors. Part II !Chapters 4-12) was authored by IT Madeson and expresses the views and experiences in her fifteen-year odyssey of discovery, expression and acceptance of her own erotic SM sexuality. As co author, Dr. Moser provided critical perspective and a scientist's disci pline to the work in this section. Part II thus represents JJ's intensely personal account, and the word "we" in the balance of this book refers to herself and to the members of the SM community who have sup ported and contributed to her effort. Throughout this book, indented text indicates that an outside source has been quoted. Quotes from published scholarly literature are attrib uted to the author in the text, and a full reference to the published work is provided at the end of the book. We have also provided extensive quotes from private writings and newsletters published by and for the SM community which are also fully attributed in the endnotes. When the qur ·~ed material is excerpted from interviews and conversations with S1A practitioners, however, we have not identified the source by name, gender or primary sexual orientation. As you will discover, men and women, heterosexuals, homosexuals and bisexuals, singles and couples, young and old, experience heartfelt feelings in relation to their dominant or submissive roles and the sadomasochistic lifestyle. We need to add one caveat before we begin: Although it is by no means our goal to proselytize, there may be some readers who find a personal attraction to the SM world or to some of the activities dis cussed. Please be careful: SM can be dangerous or abusive in the hands of novices or pathological personalities. We would urge you to contact an SM group in your area, or you may get in touch with us care of our publisher. We hope that by the time you, the reader, close this book, you will be far more knowledgeable about the real world of erotic SM. Whether or not you approve, you will have gained insight and expanded your horizons. In this, we commend you for your courage. LOVE LETTERS The following letters are reprinted with the perm1ss10n of Dun geonMaster magazine, a gay SM publication. These letters appeared in the January 1985 issue.