Boston Marriages: Romantic but Asexual Relationships Among Contemporary Lesbians PDF
Preview Boston Marriages: Romantic but Asexual Relationships Among Contemporary Lesbians
Boston Marriages : Romantic but Asexual title: Relationships Among Contemporary Lesbians author: Rothblum, Esther D. publisher: University of Massachusetts Press isbn10 | asin: 0870238752 print isbn13: 9780870238758 ebook isbn13: 9780585260792 language: English Lesbian couples--United States, Platonic subject love. publication date: 1993 lcc: HQ75.6.U5B62 1993eb ddc: 306.84 Lesbian couples--United States, Platonic subject: love. Page i Boston Marriages Page iii Boston Marriages Romantic But Asexual Relationships Among Contemporary Lesbians Edited by Esther D. Rothblum and Kathleen A. Brehony The University of Massachusetts Press Amherst Page iv Copyright © 1993 by The University of Massachusetts Press All rights reserved Printed in the United States of America LC 93-4281 ISBN 0-87023-875-2 (cloth); 876-0 (pbk.) Designed by Susan Bishop Set in Janson Text by Keystone Typesetting, Inc. Printed and bound by Thomson-Shore, Inc. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Boston marriages: romantic but asexual relationships among contemporary lesbians / edited by Esther D. Rothblum, Kathleen A. Brehony. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 0-87023-875-2 (alk. paper).ISBN 0-87023-876- 0 (pbk.: alk. paper) 1. Lesbian couplesUnited States. 2. Platonic love. I. Rothblum, Esther D. II. Brehony, Kathleen A. III. Title: Asexual relationships among contemporary lesbians. HQ75.6.U5B62 1993 306.84dc20 93-4281 British Library Cataloguing in Publication data are available. Page v CONTENTS Introduction: Why focus on romantic but asexual 3 relationships among lesbians? Esther D. Rothblum And Kathleen A. Brehony Early Memories, Current Realities 14 Esther D. Rothblum Coming to consciousness: Some reflections on the Boston 19 marriage Kathleen A. Brehony Theoretical Articles Nineteenth-century Boston marriage as a possible lesson 29 for today Lillian Faderman "Why limit me to ecstasy?" Toward a positive model of 43 genital incidentalism among friends and other lovers Marny Hall Celibacy 62 JoAnn Loulan Lesbian courtship scripts 70 Suzanna Rose, Debra Zand, And Marie A. Cini The Boston marriage in the therapy office 86 Laura S. Brown Personal Stories What's sex got to do with it? 99 Leslie Raymer When we were whatever we were: Whatever it was that 109 we had Laura Moxie She will never have the access to the total person that I 124 have Elizabeth Page vi We've had a lot of history under our belts 132 Part I: Angie Part II: Cedar 138 Cast of Characters 141 Pat "I think it has to do with the fact that I love her" 148 Janet and Marty We have bliss 157 Ruth and Iris A Boston engagement 164 Sarah Television and books and just people talking make it seem 174 that there is more sex going on than there really is! Maria Briani and Kathleen O'Reilly Discussants Is sex a natural function? Implications for sex therapy 187 Ellen Cole A matter of language 194 Marcia Hill So what is a "Boston marriage" anyway? 202 Oliva M. Espin Notes on contributors 209 Page 3 INTRODUCTION: WHY FOCUS ON ROMANTIC BUT ASEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS AMONG LESBIANS? Esther D. Rothblum and Kathleen A. Brehony If you live long enough, the culture will find the truth of your eccentricity and embrace it. Clarissa Pinkham Estes The idea for this book germinated when one of us (Esther) received a letter from Charles Silverstein, author of the book The Joy of Gay Sex, and so the first pages of this account will be in her words. Silverstein was planning an edited book for lesbian and gay male psychotherapists that would be a compilation of case studies. In his letter, he stressed the fact that gay and lesbian therapists had extensive knowledge of issues facing gays and lesbians in U.S. society today, but that these issues were rarely published. As an example, he listed the topic of "compulsive sex" among gay men. When I read the letter, it was this example that caught my attention. It reminded me of an anecdote I had heard at a lesbian psychology conference. The lesbian speaker told us she and a gay male friend had shared their sexual fantasies. Hers was being seduced by an unknown woman and murmuring, "I love you." Her gay friend said his fantasy was being in a room filled with floating penises. What could be further from the reality of most lesbians I knew than engaging in frequent and often anonymous sexual activity? When my lesbian friends and acquaintances discussed sex, it was indirect, in the context of the relationship. We discussed whether to enter, stay in, or leave partnered relationships. I listened to lesbians recount flirtations, declarations of love, arguments with partners, advice from ex-lovers. Page 4 These stories were full of detail, and we analyzed, empathized, gave advice. What we never did was talk about sex. We assumed that couples were sexual. Most of my friends celebrated the anniversary of their relationship on the date they first had sex. Many women broke up with their lovers when they or their lovers had sex with someone else. So sex was mentioned, but it was definitional. In contrast to the enormous amount of information I had about my friends' relationships, I knew next to nothing about their sexual activity. A major survey conducted in the early 1980s found lesbian couples to report having sex less frequently than did married heterosexual, cohabiting heterosexual, or gay male couples. The survey's authors, Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz, studied the relationships of over 12,000 people and published their results in 1983 in the book American Couples. In 1988, JoAnn Loulan published the results of her interviews with over 1,500 lesbians and found a significant percentage78%to have been celibate for some period of time. Although the majority had been celibate for under one year, 35% were celibate from one to five years, and 8% had been celibate for six years or more. As Marilyn Frye (1990) has said: "Whatever it is that lesbians do that (for a lack of a better word) might be called 'sex' we apparently do damned little of it" (p. 305). These data, particularly the first survey which was widely publicized in the media, caused great anger and disbelief among lesbians. Lesbians in my community indicated that they and their friends did have sex, and frequently. They challenged the researchers' definitions of "sex." Added to their arguments was the concern that any negative findings about lesbians would further stigmatize an already oppressed group. Unlike my friends, I believed the findings of these surveys. But I also believed that lesbians were tremendously involved in relationships
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