Before I Had the Words: On Being a Transgender Young Adult

252 Pages·2017·1.22 MB·English

by  Skylar Kergil

Copyright © 2017 by Skylar Kergil All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.
Cover design by Jenny Zemanek
Cover art by Skylar Kergil and Levin Mayerhofer Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2306-1
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-51072308-5
Printed in the United States of America
Contents
Acknowledgments
Disclaimer
Speaking
“You Can Call Me Mike!”
Not Twins, but Close
Cross Country Doesn’t Feel Super Far (When You’re Six)
Cool Bike, Yo
Talent Shows in 1999
Tomboy
A/S/L?
Cancer
Blending In
JT
Peter Pan
Sneaking to Youth Pride in Boston
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Ice Cracks, Hearts Break
Unitarian Universalism
The Word: Transgender
Thinking, Thinking, Crying, Thinking, Hoping
Dissection and the Construct of Gender
Questioning While Certain
What Is a Name?
Coming Out
Transitioning Seems Expensive
Sixteen
A Circle, a Bird
Listen Up?
Gender Therapy
Gym Class
Parental Involvement
On Birds and Bodies
Full Speed Ahead
2008
Have You Hugged Your Kid Today?
Bathroom Bouncer
Getting Accepted into College: A Casual Miracle
“I’m an Obama Baby!”
Day One—January 21st
YouTube and Community
As Our Lives Change, Come Whatever
Stealth
Skylar Tucker Kergil: Legalized
Top Surgery
Coming Out Is a Lifelong Process
Scars
Sophomore Slump
Some Days It Feels Like
Kissing Is Just Like Falling Right on Someone’s Face
Period
A Primary Care Physician, an Ultrasound Technician, and a Surgical Assistant
Bellybutton
Will I Die?
Daughters
Day of Silence
Why I Out Myself
Then Love Lets You Let Go
Re-Humanizing the Transmasculine Community
Inspiring Toward Wholeness
Moms
When People Aren’t Kind
That Time I Almost Fist-Bumped Joe Biden
Tell Me a Story
Camping
“For a Moment, I Didn’t Feel the Pain”
Conversation with Mom
Conversation with Dad
Conversation with JT
Resources & Inspiration
Acknowledgments
TO MY GRANDFATHER, SPURGEON STRUVEN, who taught me it’s okay to have
ice cream every night and who loved me even when he didn’t understand.
To my mother, Stephanie Tyler, who protected me from a cruel world while
also letting me create my own scars.
To my father, John Kergil, who gave me his X chromosome and, as I grew up,
told me I was a good man.
To my brother, JT, who showed me that change can happen.
To Dr. Spack, my endocrinologist, who allowed me a chance at my true life.
To my best friends, Amy and Winnie, who were and are always there for the
biggest moments I have gone through, delighting in the joys and facing the
challenges as we navigate this complex world.
To Katie and Arin, whose honesty and stories help generations of LGBTQ
youth.
To ABRHS, the high school that found space for me to evolve.
To Hank, Paul, Anna, Zane, and N—your love reached my bones.
To Barack and Michelle Obama, two compassionate leaders and personal role
models, who served in office from when I began hormones until when I
completed this work. Thank you for your endless hope.
To Janet Mock, Tiq Milan, and Chandler Wilson, for everything you have
shared and continue to inspire others to share.
And to my community, my friends, family, followers, fans, and goofballs
bopping their heads up and down at my shows: Thank you for encouraging me to
write my truth and thank you for embracing me while I face my fears—you have
held me together.
Disclaimer
WHEN I AM INVITED TO share my story, I spend about five minutes listing
disclaimers. I wanted to write this memoir; no one forced me into it. No
ghostwriters up in here. So let me list my usual disclaimers:
1. There is no one way to be transgender. There is not one path, one journey,
set of guidelines or steps to get there. It is an individual path, full of choices
based on feelings and experiences. There are options to physically transition,
but not everyone has access to these options, even if they wanted them.
Some people are transgender but don’t ever “transition.” It is pretty amazing
how diverse the transgender community is. I can only offer one story, so I
highly encourage you to explore the countless stories of transgender lives
available online, in books, or other media. I’ve included links to resource and
inspiration sections at the back of this book.
2. I am open about my experiences coming out, taking hormones, choosing
surgeries, and much of what came along with my transition. However, had I
been asked to write this book five or six years ago—a few years into my
transition—there are a million things that would not be included that I feel
comfortable enough to share now. Had someone inquired what my “birth
name” was years ago, I would have been offended and given them an earful.
These days, I explain why it is inappropriate to ask such a question and I
caution them against asking it of anyone. However, I will also share my birth
name, as it is something I am comfortable with after having been separated
from it for so long.
When I answer a question or offer intimate information, it is not an
invitation to expect answers from other transgender persons. I can stomach a
blaring “So do you have a penis or vagina?” now because I have educated
myself, learned along the way how to best answer these offensive inquiries,
and gotten thicker skin. When I was coming out and beginning my transition,
these questions made me feel awful, as they should. They made me feel
depressed—even suicidal—to be reduced to my genitalia during a time when
I was simply fighting to be seen as a sentient human being.
Hormones and surgery are personal discussions. They are not required for
transitioning; they are options to help ease gender dysphoria,1 but not every
treatment is applicable to all cases. Even though I identify as transgender, I
do not hold a free pass to ask any transgender person invasive questions. If
there is something I want to know, I’ll usually preface it with a “Is it okay
for me to ask you about your transition?”
3. My experience transitioning lands me within the binary. Although I will
always question what it means to be a man, I am comfortable being seen as a
man and being referred to with he/him pronouns. When I see a form that just
says “male” or “female,” I can select “male” without feeling any sort of
discomfort. It is important to appreciate and celebrate and remind others that
many transgender people do not experience a binary transition that is female-
to-male (FTM) or male-to-female (MTF). Gender exists on a spectrum and
non-binary identities are valid. Gender also doesn’t really exist, as it is a
social construct. One of my most talented friends identifies as agender. They
do not experience gender. They do not feel strongly as anything existing on,
within, or around the binary genders “man” and “woman.” They use
they/them pronouns as that is what they are comfortable with. I love them.
4. My truth is solely mine. I write from memory and memory is not a perfect
record, but I have tried my best to be as truthful as possible. I may forget
some important moments, but they still existed. Furthermore, there are things
I remember that I cannot disclose, mainly to keep friends, family, and others
safe. Most names have been changed for this reason as well.
5. I started writing this book for my younger self. When I was fifteen, coming
out as transgender felt like a death sentence. I had not met or seen a living,
breathing transgender person that was over the age of eighteen. I doubted
that I could graduate from high school, go to college, get a job, find love. I
doubted that I could live a … not normal, because screw whatever “normal”
is … I doubted that I could live a life. Any life, let alone my own transgender
one.
This memoir is not meant to be a guide. It is a reflection of my
experiences that I wish I could have shown my younger self back then. To
inspire hope instead of fear. To expand rather than withdraw.
I finished writing this book for the transgender youth who have contacted
me over the years. They inspired me to complete this project and send it out
to the world. I have learned so much by listening to the youth of today and I