Badass: Ultimate Deathmatch: Skull-Crushing True Stories of the Most Hardcore Duels, Showdowns, Fistfights, Last Stands, Suicide Charges, and Military Engagements of All Time

422 Pages·2013·7.65 MB·English

by  Ben Thompson

DEDICATION
Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though
checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor
suffer much because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor
defeat.
—TEDDY ROOSEVELT
CONTENTS
Before all else, be armed.
—MACHIAVELLI
Dedication
Author’s Note
Introduction: The Fundamentals of a Badass Battle
SECTION I: ANCIENT BATTLES
SPEARS, SWORDS, AND FIRE.
1. FEAR THE CAMEL (547 BC)
Cyrus the Great forges the mighty Persian Empire with warm blood,
cold steel, and a few thousand psychotic rampaging camels.
2. THE BATTLE OF SALAMIS (480 BC)
Old-school demolition-derby-style aquatic warfare as the Athenian
commander Themistocles leads the shattered remnants of his fleet in a
steel cage deathmatch against a vastly superior Persian armada.
3. THE SACRED BAND OF THEBES (371 BC)
Outnumbered two to one by angry drunken Spartans, the citizen-
soldiers of Thebes make a final desperate stand to defend their
homeland.
4. THE SECOND PUNIC WAR (218–201 BC)
The hardcore elephant cavalry of the invincible Carthaginian
Hannibal crosses the Alps, and ravages the Roman countryside, and
only one Roman commander is capable of rising to face the challenge.
5. THE TEUTOBERG FOREST (AD 9)
Three full-strength Roman legions march into a scary-as-hell German
forest looking to beat up on the native tribesmen and steal all their
toys. Nobody marches out.
6. BOUDICCA’S REVOLT (AD 61)
When the Romans looted the home of the Celtic tribal leader Boudicca
and plundered her lands, they didn’t realize they were crossing a
woman who would stop at nothing to rain bloody vengeance down
upon them.
7. RED CLIFF (AD 208)
The mightiest warlord in China attempts a full-scale invasion of the
southern kingdoms, seeking to crush all opposition to his rule with one
overwhelming blow. Hijinks ensue.
8. Ad DECIMUM (AD 533)
History’s most underappreciated general is ordered to conquer the
entire Vandal Empire with a couple thousand Byzantine warriors and a
left ball the size of Carthage. He does.
SECTION II: MEDIEVAL CARNAGE
BROADSWORDS, BATTLE AXES, AND HEAVY EFFIN’ CAVALRY.
9. THE LAST CALIPH (AD 763)
The rightful heir to the throne of Islam does battle with the
bloodthirsty caliph who murdered his family and usurped the crown.
10. THE GREAT HEATHEN ARMY (AD 865–873)
Axe-swinging Viking maniac Ivar the Boneless leads the largest Norse
armada in history across the pond in a berserker-laden invasion that
would permanently change the genetic makeup of the people of
Britain.
11. THE THIRD CRUSADE (1189–1192)
Two of the Middle Ages’ most hardcore warriors—Saladin and Richard
the Lionheart—square off in an epic war to determine the fate of the
Holy Land.
12. KONO MICHIARI (1281)
One superpissed samurai grabs his katana, jumps in a rowboat, and
takes on an entire Mongol invasion fleet by himself.
13. ALBA GU BRÀTH (1303–1314)
William Wallace and Robert the Bruce set out to prove that short kilts
and Longshanks don’t mix.
14. TRIAL BY COMBAT (1389)
One valiant knight attempts to avenge his wife’s honor in the only way
he deems appropriate—one-on-one judicial combat to the death
against the man accused of raping his beloved.
15. THE HUNDRED YEARS’ WAR (1337–1453)
A routine dispute over the succession of the French crown stirs up a
venomous hatred so intense that it takes a century of wanton
destruction to settle the score.
16. THE FALL OF CONSTANTINOPLE (1453)
An onslaught of fearless Turkish warriors hurl themselves defiantly at
the walls of Christendom’s greatest city in an effort to snuff out the last
vestiges of the Roman Empire once and for all.
SECTION III: GUNPOWDER-ERA DESTRUCTION
MUSKETS, SABERS, WOODEN SHIPS, AND A DOUBLE LOAD OF
CANISTER FIRE.
17. THE ARAUCANIAN WAR (1541–1724)
How the Mapuche warriors of modern-day Chile became the only
indigenous South American population to resist the domination of the
Spanish conquistadors (hint: it involves violence).
18. THE IMJIN WAR (1592–1598)
While Japanese armies cleave their way through the Korean peninsula
on a mission of conquest, one lone Korean admiral defiantly leads a
tiny fleet on a relentless campaign to cripple the invaders’ navy.
19. JAMES MACRAE (1720)
Off the coast of Africa, one British East India Company merchant
captain fights a desperate sea battle against two of the ocean’s most
merciless pirates.
20. THE RANI OF JHANSI (1857–1858)
Oppressed by British colonial forces and deprived of her rightful
crown, one Indian warrior princess rises in revolt, riding into combat
with a sword in each hand and her baby strapped to her back.
21. GETTYSBURG (1863)
The decisive battle of the American Civil War featured a bayonet
charge led by a Maine schoolteacher and one of the biggest all-out
suicide charges in the history of combat.
22. SAMURAI SHOWDOWN (1864)
Two dozen samurai warriors fight a decapitation-infused sword battle
through the blood-splattered halls of a small teahouse in a real-life
scene akin to something out of a Kurosawa movie.
23. VON BREDOW’S DEATH RIDE (1870)
At a critical turning point in the Franco-Prussian War, a fifty-six-year-
old Prussian hardass personally leads two regiments of cavalry
sabers-first into French infantry, artillery, and Gatling guns. It doesn’t
end the way you might think.
24. RORKE’S DRIFT (1879)
One hundred thirty-nine British engineers with single-shot rifles face
down nearly five thousand fearless Zulu warriors with nothing to lose.
In one day of fighting, more Victoria Crosses are awarded by the
British government than would be issued in the entirety of World War
I.
SECTION IV: INDUSTRIAL-AGE MAYHEM
FIGHTER PLANES, HEAVY MACHINE GUNS, AND BALL-
CRUSHING BATTLE TANKS.
25. GUNFIGHT AT THE O.K. CORRAL (1881)
Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday clean up the outlaw-infested streets of
Tombstone, Arizona, with a short, ultra-deadly burst of buckshot and
.45-caliber ammunition.
26. THE TWENTY-ONE SIKHS (1897)
Facing a massive onslaught of ten thousand Afghan tribal warriors,
the twenty-one Sikh defenders of a small mountain fortress vow to fight
to the last man, with the last bullet.
27. THE CHARGE OF THE AUSTRALIAN LIGHT HORSE (1917)
Eight hundred psycho Aussie horsemen attempt the last great cavalry
charge in history, rushing across an open plain toward trenches
packed with machine guns and artillery.
28. THEIR FINEST HOUR (1940)
The largest air battle in history rages in the skies above Britain as a
few brave Spitfire pilots attempt to thwart an imminent full-scale Nazi
invasion of England.
29. PAVLOV’S HOUSE (1942)
A lone Russian sergeant and his understrength platoon defend a
fortified Stalingrad apartment building against the entire German
Sixth Army.
30. LAST STAND OF THE TIN CAN SAILORS (1944)
With the American invasion of the Philippines depending on their
success, seven heroic destroyer captains hurl their tiny vessels against
the largest battleship fleet ever put to sea.
31. A BRIDGE TOO FAR (1944)
The Allies attempt to back-door their way into Germany with the
largest airborne operation ever attempted, only to learn they’ve just
dropped their paratroopers on top of two elite SS Panzer divisions.
32. THE FASTEST TOMMY GUN ON THE WESTERN FRONT
(1945)
Badly wounded and pinned down behind enemy lines, with a squad of
Germans quickly closing in, Staff Sergeant Edward A. Carter’s only
hope of survival is the Thompson submachine gun lying just beyond
his reach.
SECTION V: MODERN WARFARE
ASSAULT RIFLES, JET FIGHTERS, AND ARMORED ATTACK
HELICOPTERS.
33. THE CHOSIN FEW (1950)
Surrounded on all sides by the full might of the Chinese People’s Army,
a small cadre of exhausted American marines fight a desperate
running gun battle through the frozen wastes of North Korea.
34. TANGO MIKE-MIKE (1968)
One lone Green Beret’s attempt to single-handedly rescue a Special
Forces team pinned down deep behind enemy lines in Cambodia.
35. ZVIKA FORCE (1973)
When his homeland is attacked in a bloody ambush on the holiest day
of the Jewish calendar, one off-duty Israeli officer hitches a ride to the
battlefield and takes a tank out on a lone-wolf mission to slow the
advance of the entire Syrian army.
36. THE LION OF PANJSHIR (1979–1989)
One fearless Afghan tribal leader’s ten-year Red Dawn-style guerrilla
war against the Russians, taking bolt-action rifles and horses up
against Soviet tanks and armored attack helicopters.
37. WHO DARES WINS (1980)
With the lives of a dozen hostages hanging in the balance, the British
SAS assaults the Iranian Embassy in London in broad daylight, on
national television, hoping to take down a team of well-equipped
terrorists before they can kill again.
38. DESERT STORM (1991)
An American-led coalition reduces the third-largest military in the
world to rubble in one hundred hours in the greatest one-sided
asskicking in the history of warfare.
39. SHOOTOUT AT A MEXICAN HACIENDA (2010)
Sick of being jerked around by drug-pushing punks, a seventy-seven-
year-old man turns his ranch into a fortress and takes on dozens of
Mexican cartel gangsters by himself.
40. BISHNU SHRESTHA AND THE FORTY THIEVES (2010)
One off-duty Gurkha, armed only with his kukri knife, takes on forty
gun-toting train robbers. My money’s on the Gurkha.
Acknowledgments
Bibliography
Illustration Credits
About the Author
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