Armageddon 01 - Armageddon The Musical

300 Pages·2016·0.98 MB·English

by  Rankin Robert

Armageddon The Musical
Robert Rankin

VIEW WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW

Planet Earth rolled on in ever decreasing circles around the sun. As it had been
carrying on in this fashion for more years than anyone cared to remember, there
seemed no cause for immediate alarm. Not that things were exactly a bundle of
laughs down on old terra firma at the present time, oh dear me, no. Things had
never been quite the same since, in a moment of gay abandonment, outgoing US
president Wayne L. Wormwood had chosen to press the nuclear button just as
the New Year bells were gaily chiming in the arrival of the twenty-first century.

This generally unwelcome turn in events had caught many with their trousers
well and truly down and had definitely taken the edge off much of the auld lang
syning. But it did, at least, offer followers of the late great Nostradamus the
dubious satisfaction of spending their final four minutes saying 'I told you so' to
anyone who seemed inclined to listen.

The Nuclear Holocaust Event, as the media later dubbed it, was a somewhat
noisy and unsettling affair, and was considered by the naturally pessimistic to be
'the end of civilisation as we know it'. Of course it was nothing of the kind and a
surprising number of folk did come out of it relatively unscathed, if not
altogether uncomplaining. The governments of the day rose to the occasion with
such remarkable aplomb that one might have been forgiven for thinking that they
were expecting
it all along. Although the water was a bit iffy and lamb looked like being off the
menu for some time to come, the TV was back on within the week, which can't
be bad by any reckoning. And it was encouraging to note that not only had
unemployment been cut at a stroke, as had long been promised, but racial
intolerance ceased virtually overnight, mankind now being united beneath the
banner of a single colour. A rather unpleasant shade of mould green.

But, as someone almost said, you can't please all of the people all of the time.
And, even now, fifty years on, with the smoke beginning to clear, radiation on its
way down and that nebulous something, oft referred to as normal service,
restored, there were still no outward signs of euphoria evident upon the faces of
Mr and Mrs Joe Public. Not that anyone was actually heard to complain, and
Mr and Mrs Joe Public. Not that anyone was actually heard to complain, and
why should they? Today's nuclear family had very much to be grateful for. Three
square meals a week, unlimited cable television, a constant room temperature,
low overheads and free waste disposal. And leisure time had really come into its
own.

Of course, the prospect of spending your brief span banged up in a bomb-proof
bunker, watching TV and awaiting further developments, was not everyone's cup
of enzo-protein synthatea. But you did, at least, have the satisfaction of knowing
that, even here, you could play your part in the glorious rebuilding scheme.

Active Viewing was now the name of the game, down below. The console of the
TV terminal put everything that was left of the world at the finger stumps of the
bunker-bound. And there was a great deal to see. The re-education programmes,
the devotional exercises, the food operas, the game shows, not to mention the
public service broadcasts. It was all there, and the choice of what
you watched, and when, was all yours. A constitutional right. All the
government asked was that you did watch. So, as an incentive and to ensure just
reward, they had instituted a system which was, in its way, every bit as
fundamentally brilliant and divinely inspired as had been the wheel clamp in
twentieth-century London.

Every TV terminal now had an inbuilt Electronic Eye Scanning Point Indicator,
or EYESPI for short. This marvel of modern technology was capable of
recognising the viewer by the individual patterns of their irises, iris 'signatures'
having, of course, been registered at birth with the mother computer. Once
recognition had been established, this ingenious little doodad totted up the
number of weekly viewing hours being put in by the active viewer in question.
Once these were logged, food, medical supplies and rehousing credits then could
be allocated accordingly.

It was a wonderful system: unbiased, democratic, free for all to take advantage
of and with an obvious appeal to mankind's naturally competitive spirit. So
wonderful was it in fact, that the TV stations felt impelled to extol its virtues
every hour upon the hour. Its simple majesty being summed up, rather succinctly
(and not a little poignantly) in the famous hymn jingle, 'The more you view the
more you do, the more we vet the more you get.' (No. 4302, New World TV
Hymnal.)
But, as has previously been stated, pleasing all the people all of the time is an
incomplete science. And so this system, as near to perfect as any that can be
imagined, had its dissenters. Not that any of them actually came out into the
open to complain about it, of course. No chance of that. They were far too busy
glued to their TV screens in a desperate attempt to clock up sufficient rehousing
credits.

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There are only five great men and three of them are hamburgers. Don Van Vliet

Back in those carefree days of the 1980s it was very much the vogue amongst
the well-to-dos to seek out dilapidated character properties for conversion.
Medieval timber-framed barns, oast houses, clapped out windmills, all were
considered dead chic. And you really weren't anybody if you didn't possess, at
the very least, a Wesleyan chapel with all its bits and bobs intact, that you had
painstakingly tortured into a design studio, complete with en suite bathrooms,
fitted kitchen and solarium.

Few there were with sufficient foresight to consider what the twentieth century
itself might offer in the way of character property. In fact, it wasn't until well
into the 1990s that the potential of such derelict period pieces as supermarkets,
Habitat stores, fast breeder reactors and battery chicken houses was fully
exploited. By the year 2050, however, there was hardly a building standing
above ground that hadn't been commandeered and converted.

Rex Mundi occupied an apartment built high in the north-west corner of Odeon
Towers. The building was of the pre-NHE persuasion and had long ago been a
cinema.

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Rex shared his living room with a weighty section of mock Rococo ceiling
cornice and an enormous gilded cherub. This grinning monstrosity had once
bestowed its distant smile upon several generations of cinema-going heads. Now
it stared with equal cheer, if somewhat foreshortened vision, into the ragged
length of sacking which served Rex as carpet. But it was a small price to pay for
overground accommodation. Six floors beneath Mrs Maycroft shared her rooms
overground accommodation. Six floors beneath Mrs Maycroft shared her rooms
with several rows of cinema seats, and the young woman who lived in the
tobacco kiosk never complained. As for the old couple who had been allocated
the gents' toilet, well that didn't bear thinking about. All in all Rex had done
quite well for himself.

On this particular morning, Rex sat in his homemade armchair, facing the
flickering TV screen. His was the classic seated posture of the Active Viewer.
Relaxed yet attentive, right thumb and forefinger about the remote controller,
expression alert, eyes wide. But here all similarities ended. Rex Mundi was fast
asleep.

His old Uncle Tony had taught him the technique when he was but a leprous lad,
and there was no doubt that it did pay big dividends. It had already earned Rex
sufficient rehousing credits to get him overground and he actually possessed a
surplus of food and medico rations. His generosity with these made him quite
popular and respected locally. But the greatest benefit to Rex was that it left him
plenty of time to indulge in his own personal studies. These centred upon a book
his Uncle Tony had bequeathed to him, a curious volume entitled The Suburban
Book of the Dead. Uncle Tony had pressed-the crumbling tome upon Rex with
the simple statement, 'Knowledge is power'.

Shortly after this, he had spontaneously combusted

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while watching his favourite game show. The way he would have wanted to go,’
Aunty Norma put it.

Rex set to work to unravel the inner mysteries of the old book. But it was no
easy matter. The language was archaic, penned somewhere during the middle
years of the previous century, and much of it left Rex completely baffled. Yet he
felt that he owed it to the old boy, who had, after all, passed on to Rex a most
efficient method for beating the system, whilst leaving little else behind as a
testament to his existence but for a pair of smoking boots and a charred remote
controller.

Of Rex's rooms, there was little that could be argued in their favour. They were
above ground, dry for part of the year and sufficient to his needs. The bedroom
above ground, dry for part of the year and sufficient to his needs. The bedroom
housed a mouldy bunk, the living room an armchair and a TV terminal. But for
the gilded cherub, the only anomaly that would have drawn the visitor's eye,
should Rex have ever had a visitor, which he never did, was a mural which
occupied an entire wall of the living room. This was indeed the proverbial thing
of beauty, so real as to be virtually photographic. Beneath a sky of the deepest
blue, white crested waves broke upon a beach of golden sand, where tall palms
bent under the weight of ripening coconuts; upon the horizon a liner cruised, a
single plume of white smoke rising from a funnel.

Although Rex enjoyed looking at the mural, he didn't pretend to understand it.
He had never seen the sea and the liner puzzled him greatly. Why, he asked
himself, should anyone build a factory so far from the nearest subway terminus?

The masterpiece had been painted for him, in exchange for food, by a young
man who had taken up temporary lodgings on the sixth-floor landing. Rex never
knew the young man's name and once the painting had been
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completed, he had left without a word. The painting was an enigma, but it
touched some distant chord in Rex and brought a considerable brightness into
the otherwise gloomy surroundings.

As the day's first newscast began, a tiny doodad, concealed in the chair's back,
sang happy awakenings into Rex's cerebral cortex and drew the lad awake. Rex
yawned and thumbed the remote controller. The smiling face of the lady
newscaster diminished and was gone. Rex stumbled blindly towards the
bathroom, which, along with the kitchen, was too unspeakable to merit a
mention. Here he bathed his eyes and scratched at the stubble on his chin. As
sight slowly returned, he glimpsed his cloudy image in the shaving mirror.

'Damnably handsome,’ he assured himself.

And indeed Rex wasn't a bad-looking specimen by any account. A trifle grey-
green about the jowls, but nothing a quick spray of Healthiglo Pallorgone
couldn't deal with. And he did bear an uncanny resemblance to a certain
Harrison Ford of ancient days. This might just have been the product of happy
coincidence, but the fact that his mother had been allowed access to the state
coincidence, but the fact that his mother had been allowed access to the state
sperm banks, whose stocks had been cryogenically laid down in the 1990s,
probably played some part in it.

Rex attended to his daily toilet, picking off any flaky bits and doing what little
he could to make himself look presentable. From the three he possessed, he
chose the shirt which was the least crisp beneath the armpits and gave it a
dusting with Bugoff Personal Livestock Exterminator. Once clad in his most
dashing apparel, he opened a tin of synthafood and took breakfast. Un‐
fortunately, the label had come off and Rex was unable to identify the contents.
His morning repast completed,
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he fought off the feelings of nausea which inevitably followed mealtimes. Today
they were somewhat more acute than usual, Rex having just consumed a tin of
paint.

Rex belched mightily and zipped^himself into his radiation suit. Screwing on the
weatherdome, he stepped through the airlock, primed the anti-theft devices on
his front door and set off down the stairs to face the new day.

And it wasn't a bad one by any account. Although the clouds hung but a few
hundred feet above the rooftops and the crackles of the early electrical storm
offered uncertain illumination, at least it wasn't raining. Rex* switched on his
chestlights and pressed on through the murk towards the nearby subway
terminus. Today was to be the first day of his first-ever job and he had no wish
to be late.

'Morning Rex, phew what a scorcher, eh?' The voice on the open channel
belonged to Thaddeus Decor, who lived in the Coca Cola machine on the street
corner.

Rex offered him a cheery wave. 'Morning Thaddeus, how's the wife?'

'Her knee's a lot better, thanks to that gangrene jelly you let me have.'

'Glad to hear it.'
'Young Kevin is down with the mange again.'

Til drop you something in later.' Rex continued upon his way. Thaddeus grinned
toothlessly through his weatherdome.

'Thanks mate,’ said he. 'You're a real toff.'

The passage leading into the subway was brightly lit by the techniglow of a
hundred holographic advertising images. Rex plodded through the smiling
ghosts ignoring their jolly banter. Once through decontamination he removed his
weatherdome and queued for travel
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clearance. When his turn came, he pressed his face to the EYESPI. 'Destination?'
the automaton enquired.

'The Nemesis Bunker,’ Rex replied, proudly.

Circuits purred, information exchanged, the electrical voice said, 'Thank you, Mr
Mundi, you are cleared for travel. Have another day.'

The morning train lurched painfully into the station and shuddered to a halt. It
was not unduly crowded and Rex chose a vacant corner of the seatless carriage
to squat in. The journey took a little over an hour, but it did at least offer Rex the
opportunity to catch the morning newscast on the carriage TV, learn what was
considered right with the world and clock up a few legitimate food and medico
credits.

The newscast was much the same as ever. Things were looking up. The
economy had never been healthier. Production had reached a record level. There
had been several more authenticated sightings of blue sky. The road cones were
expected to come off the M25 at any time now. Rex raised his eyes to the last
one, but anything was possible.

The broadcast ended with a little bit of station propaganda, dressed in the guise
of human interest story and comical tailpiece. Today it concerned an old lady
who had clocked up an unprecedented number of credits, watching a rival
station. So many, in fact, that the station's controller saw fit to visit her in person
to offer his congratulations. Eliciting no response at her bunker door, his
associates had cut their way in. And there was the old dear propped up before the
screen, staring on oblivious. She had been dead for three weeks.

'Predictable,' muttered Rex, who was sure that he had heard the tale before.
Happily, his stop came just as the station songsters were launching into an
excruciating

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new ditty 'Every Mushroom Cloud has a Silver Lining'. The train rattled into
Nemesis Terminus, deftly sweeping aside any fallen objects. Today only two
antisocial types chose to make the morning leap to oblivion. The driver
considered this about average for the time of year and tuned the cab TV to his
favourite foodie.

When the closing credits of her favourite show had finally rolled off the screen,
the fashionable young woman behind the reception desk lowered the volume on
her terminal. With mock surprise, she stared at the young man who had been
standing there for the last twenty minutes, patiently flicking dandruff from the
interior of his weatherdome.

'What do you want?' she asked, without charm.

'Rex Mundi.' The lad smiled encouragingly towards the stone-faced harpy.

'So what?' There was something in the woman's tone that suggested to Rex that
casual sex was probably out of the question.

'I'm expected, or was anyway.'

'You're late.'

Rex opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of it. If the receptionist could
carry on in this fashion, it was more than likely that she held considerable sway
with some high muckamuck on the Nemesis board of directors, possibly even