Anthony, Piers - Xanth 18 - Geis of the Gargoyle (2)

234 Pages·2016·0.82 MB·English

by  Anthony Piers

ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.cobm y Piers Anthony www.ABBYY.com
Xanth Book 18
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.com www.ABBYY.com
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.coCm hapter 1. GARY GAR | Chapter 2. GOOD MAGICIAN | Chapter 3. IRIS | Chapter 4. HIATUS | www.ABBYY.com
Chapter 5. MADNESS | Chapter 6. RUINS | Chapter 7. ANIMATION | Chapter 8. HINGE |
Chapter 9. KEYSTONE | Chapter 10. INTERFACE | Chapter 11. DISCOVERY | Chapter 12. FUTURE
| Chapter 13. LOVE | Chapter 14. DREAM | Chapter 15. HARNESS | Chapter 16. RETURN
Chapter 1. GARY GAR
The demoness formed into smoke, and then into an insidiously lovely (if you like that type) human style
woman. Her face was unutterably fair, her hair flowed like honey, her bosom was so full and well-
formed that it was probably sinful just to look at it, and the rest of her was more so. But there was
something odd about her apparel.
She eyed the creature sitting in the dry riverbed, who was about as opposite from her as it was possible
to be.
"My, you're an ugly customer," she remarked.
"Thank you," the thing replied gruffly.
"You can speak!" she said, surprised.
"Only when I make the effort."
She walked around it. Her dainty delicate feet did not quite touch the ground, but the ground here was so
scabbed and messy that this was just as well. She peered closely at every detail. "You have a face like a
cross between a lion and an ape, with the worst features of each, and with an extremely big mouth
formed into a perpetual 0. You have a grotesque compact body with an inane tail and four big clumsy
feet. And you have a pair of really ugly stumpy leathery wings. Overall I can't imagine a worse-looking
creature."
"Thank you. You, in contrast, are unconscionably aesthetic."
"I'm what?" she asked, frowning.
"Disgustingly pretty."
"Oh. Thank you."
"My statement was not a compliment."
"Well, neither was mine! I have just three questions to ask of you, monster."
"Then will you go away?"
She shook a fine firm finger. "Answer mine, then I'll answer yours, you refugee from a horror house.
What are you?"
"I am a gargoyle."
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.co"mWho are you?" www.ABBYY.com
"Gary Gar."
"And what are you doing, Gary Gargoyle?"
"I am performing according to my geis."
"What's a gaysh?"
"Forget it, demoness! You promised to answer mine after three of yours."
She frowned prettily. "Very well, Gary Garble. Ask your stupid question." A large mug appeared in her
hand.
"Would you like a drink from Ein Stein first?"
"What's tha-" he started to ask, but caught himself almost barely in time. She was trying to trick him into
wasting his stupid question. "No. I don't know what that is, so I won't risk it."
"Too bad," she said. "One drink from this would have made you Xanth's smartest creature, capable of
concluding that Eeee equals Emcee squared." The mug disappeared.
"I can live without that Conclusion," he said. "Who are you?"
She fidgeted, beginning to lose definition. "That's awkward to answer."
"Well, make the effort, smokeface."
Her features reformed, lovelier than before. "I'm D. Mentia, but that's only a half-truth."
"What's the other half of the truth?"
"I'm the alter ego of the Demoness Metria. She did something disgusting, so I'm sailing out on my own."
"What did she do?"
"She got married, got half a soul, and fell in love, in that order. Now she's so nice I can't stand her."
"Do demons marry?"
"Forget it, gargle. I answered three already. Now it's my turn again. What's a gaysh?"
"A misspelling of geis."
"How can you tell it's misspelled when I'm speaking it?"
"I am long familiar with the word. You're pronouncing it as it sounds."
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.coSm he grimaced. "Sorry about that. So what is it?" www.ABBYY.com
"An obligation of honor."
"What does an ugly character like you know about a fair concept like honor?"
"That's your fourth question. Mine first: Why are you wearing a skirt upside and a blouse downside?"
Mentia glanced down at herself. The clothing faded out, leaving a body so barely luscious that any
ordinary man who spied it would freak out in half a moment. "That's hard to explain."
"Make another effort, bareface," Gary said, looking slightly bored though her face was the least of her
bareness.
"Well, my better nature-that is, D. Metria-has a certain problem with words. For example she would say
you really don't look properly volant, and you would say-"
"Properly what?"
"And she would say feathers, uplift, flapping, sky, winging-"
"Flightworthy?"
"And she would say 'Whatever', crossly."
"That's what volant means?"
"Uh-uh, Garfield. I answered three. What's this about honor?"
Gary sighed. It was a good effort, because his stone body was mostly hollow. "From time vaguely
memorial on, my family of gargoyles has been in charge of this river, the Swan Knee, which flows from
drear Mundania into Xanth, as you can see." He gestured with a wing. Sure enough, to the north the dry
channel wound unhappily through truly dreary terrain. The line where the magic of Xanth took effect
was marked by increasingly magical vegetation, such as shoetrees, lady slippers, and acorn trees. The
Mundane equivalents were sadly deficient.
"Normally the water flows south, and it has been our geis to guarantee its purity, so that Xanth is not
stained by Mundanian contaminants. Normally the water was mostly clean, so this was no problem, but
in recent decades it has become sullied, until it was virtually sludge. It was awful, cleaning it up! But
now there's a drought, and there's no water at all, which is worse yet. I hope that when the rains return,
and the flow resumes, that it will be cleaner, so that it doesn't leave such a foul taste in my mouth. But
regardless, I will do it, because my line is honor bound to guarantee the quality of this water. No wading
swans will get their knees dirty in this river."
"Now that's interesting," Mentia said, looking about as bored as he had been when she had lost her
clothing. "But why are you wasting your time here, when you could get the job done without all that
fuss?"
Now the gargoyle began to show some feeling. "What do you mean, wasting my time? This is my job,
demoness.
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.co"mSo it's your job. But why not do it the easy way?" www.ABBYY.com
"Because it's the only way I know." He paused, counting. "That's three questions I've answered. My
turn. What's this easy way?"
"How should I know, spoutface?"
"You don't know how?"
"That's right, gamishee."
Gary paused, realizing that two of his questions were already gone, by her slightly crazy rules. He had
already failed to learn why her clothing had been confused, and he didn't want to fail to learn how to do
his job the easy way. So he phrased his question carefully. "What gives you the idea that there is an easy
way to do my job?"
Mentia shrugged, making ripples all across her front and down her arms. "There has to be, because if
you went to ask the Good Magician about it, he would have the answer."
The Good Magician! He had never thought of that. But he realized that this was not a wise course for
him. "I couldn't go to ask him, because the moment it rains, the river will resume its flow, and I shall
have to be here to clarify it. Anyway, I understand he's extremely grumpy. And I don't know the way
there."
"Why don't you make a dam, so the water can't pass until you return to process it? And what's so bad
about grumpiness, if it frees you from a lifetime's geis? And why not ask me to show you the way
there?"
Three more questions. Gary pondered, then answered them. "I could make such a dam. A few minutes of
grumpiness seem a bargain, when I think of it that way. And I won't ask you to show me the way there
because you're a demoness who surely has mischief in mind."
She considered that. "It's your turn for questions. Why don't you ask me if I mean to lead you astray?"
He became interested. "Do you?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I have a defect of demonly character: I'm slightly crazy. That's why my clothing was mixed
up." Her blouse and skirt reappeared, correctly placed. "I share this with my better half: I like to be
entertained, and you promise to be entertaining. I don't care about you personally, of course, but I hate
being bored."
That seemed to be a fair answer. So Gary gambled and asked the expected question: "Will you guide me
safely to the Good Magician's castle?"
"Yes."
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.co"mVery well. I shall make the dam." www.ABBYY.com
He got to work. There were some wallflowers not far distant, and he was able to transplant several to the
river bed. But there was a problem: they needed water in order to flower, and he had none.
"Well, find some water lilies or water melons or water cress," Mentia suggested impatiently. Her body
was aimed away from him, but this didn't matter because her head was now on backwards; she had
gotten confused again.
"There aren't any in sight," he pointed out. "I know only the plants that are in sight, because I have been
bound to my post in the river for the past century or so."
"Oh for illness sake!" she exclaimed. "I'll find some." Her lower section fuzzed and formed into a
peculiar wheeled vehicle.
"What's that?" Gary asked, surprised.
"Haven't you seen a snit before?" Then a dirty noise pooped out of the thing's tailpipe, its wheels spun,
and it zoomed away at magical speed. She was departing in a snit.
Then it zoomed backward, just as rapidly, coming to park just under his nose. "Just be thankful it isn't a
snot," the demoness said, and was gone again.
Gary was duly thankful. He had not had a lot of experience with demons, but this one seemed tolerable
despite being rather too pretty for his taste.
Soon she was back, bearing a boxlike object. "That doesn't look like a water plant," Gary said dubiously.
"Naturally not," she agreed, setting it in the riverbed beside some of the rocklike pillows there. "It's a
closet."
"What good is a closet? We need water."
"A water closet," she clarified. She opened the door, and a flood of bright blue liquid poured out.
"That's polluted!" Gary cried. He jumped down and placed himself in the path of the flow. He sucked up
the water, then spouted it out. "Oh-it's water color."
"Whatever," she agreed. "It will do, won't it?"
He considered, tasting more of the water as it changed to red and then to green. Already some of it was
sinking into the ground around the wallflowers, and they were growing. "Yes, as long as it doesn't flow
away from here."
"So make another little damn."
"A what?"
"To divert the curse."
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.coImn a short moment he figured it out. A dam to divert the course of the flow. Mentia might be her self's www.ABBYY.com
worse half, but she did seem to suffer from a bit of her better half's problem with vocabulary. He hastily
scraped dirt and rocks across the path of the stream, causing it to puddle. That left it nowhere to flow but
into the ground around the flowers. These responded by developing blue, red, green and other colored
walls, depending on the color of the water. The walls walled off the main riverbed. The job was done.
"Let's be off," the demoness said, floating up. She had resumed her full human form, and was correctly
garbed.
But Gary hesitated. "I'm not sure this is appropriate."
She floated over him, becoming even more lovely in her moderate pique. "Why not, garlic?"
"Because my powers of flight are limited. I weigh considerable, being lithic."
"Being what?"
"Being made mostly of stone, so I can fly only when aided by a steep slope or a gale-force breeze. I shall
have to proceed along the ground."
"So why not proceed, garnet? That doesn't mean I have to be landbound."
"I think it does."
"Why, garland?"
"Because from down here I think I can see your panties."
She exploded into roiling smoke. Flames licked around the roils. Her voice emerged, tinged with soot.
"You aren't supposed to look, garget!"
"I didn't look. But I suspect that if I did-"
"Oh." The cloud sank to the ground, coalescing into her luscious human form-this time in red jeans.
"Point made, garden. I'll walk when you do. Thanks for not looking."
"Thanks for getting my name straight."
She paused, fuzzing briefly before firming again. "Got it, Gary Gar." She glanced speculatively at him.
"It occurs to me you're not quite as stupid as you look."
"I don't look stupid, I look properly grotesque. It occurs to me that you're not quite as careless as you
seem."
"You know, if you were less ugly, I could almost be tempted to think about possibly starting to get to
like you."
"If you were less pretty, I might be tempted not to dislike you."
Once more she fuzzed. "You like ugly!" she exclaimed.
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.co"mHow fining!" www.ABBYY.com
"I'm a gargoyle. We're the ugliest creatures in Xanth, and righteously proud of it."
"What about the ogres?"
Gary pondered. "I suppose you could call them ugly, if you dislike that type," he concluded grudgingly.
"Maybe we'll encounter some along the way, and see."
Then she thought of something else. "You're no more human than I am. Why should you care about
panties?"
"I don't. But you evidently do."
"Well, when I emulate the human form there are codes of conduct to be observed, or the emulation is
imperfect.
But that does give me a notion." She fuzzed, and reappeared as a female gargoyle, horrendously ugly.
"How do you like me now, Gary?"
He studied her. "I wish you were real. I'd be glad to spout water with you."
"Ha! You mean I can tempt you in this form, and endlessly frustrate you? This promises to be
entertaining after all."
"Let's be on our way," he said shortly.
"On down the riverbed," she said. "It will take us south to the gulf."
"But I can't swim," he protested. "I would sink right to the bottom."
"Then we won't enter the water. We'll proceed along the shore. Except-" She broke off, evidently
waiting for his query.
"Except what?" he dutifully inquired.
"Except for the whatever. You'll have trouble navigating that." Then she brightened. "But maybe I can
figure out a way. Onward!"
"Onward," he agreed, determined not to oblige her by asking again.
They set off down the riverbed, bound by bound, using their little wings to steer the bounds and keep
them within bounds. It was the gargoyle way.
Before long the dry riverbanks changed color, turning yellow. Gary paused. "What's the matter with the
ground?"
Mentia looked. "Nothing. It's just doing its thing."
ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0 ABBYY PClDicFk hTerrae tno sbfouyrmer2.0
www.ABBYY.co"mBut it's all sickly yellow!" www.ABBYY.com
"No it isn't." She raked a claw across the dirt. Golden coins rolled down into the channel. "This bank is
pay dirt. And there's a mint." She pointed to a plant with odd oblong greenbacked leaves and round
golden flowers with serrated edges. "This is the bank where the money comes from, is all."
"Money? What good is it?"
"No good that I know of. But I understand they love it in Mundania."
"They do?"
"They say that the love of money is the root of all evil."
She looked at the mint's roots, which did look bad, if not actually evil.
"But doesn't that mean that they think it's bad?"
"No, Mundania is such an awful place that they must love evil."
Gary nodded. "That does make sense."
"Pennies and cents," she agreed.
They bounded on. They came to a sign:
WHEN PASSING THIS BOG BEWARE OF THE DOG
"I don't see any bog," Gary said.
"I don't see any dog either. But maybe it doesn't matter; that's just doggerel."
A new kind of tree appeared along the bank. There was the sound of barking. "Dogwoods," Mentia
explained.
"They're harmless if you don't try to rub against their bark, which is worse than their bite."
But then real dogs appeared. "I thought Xanth had no dogs," Gary said.
"This is close to the border; a pack must have crossed over, and the dogs haven't yet had time to turn
magic. It happens."
The dogs converged, growling. "They don't seem to be friendly," Gary remarked.
"Who cares? They can't hurt us. I'm a demoness and you're mostly mythic."
"Lithic."
"Whatever." So they bounded on, ignoring the dogs.