Ant Farm - And Other Desperate Situations

113 Pages·2007·0.5 MB·English

by  Rich Simon

For my mom
contents
I
the ride back to beersheba
a conversation at the grown-ups’ table as imagined at the kids’ table
second grade realization
a day at headquarters as i imagined it in third grade
UNICEF
i still remember the day i got my first calculator
playing nice
our thoughts are with you
math problems
II
:(
if life were like middle school
pen pal
a fantasy i had in seventh grade
inside the cartridge
rebellion
what goes through my mind when i’m home alone (from my mom’s
perspective)
i can only think of two scenarios where high school math would come in
handy
slumber party
role playing
sex ed
ouija board
my mom’s all-time top five greatest boyfriends
my friend’s new girlfriend
III
invisible
crayola co.
“may or may not contain peanuts”
medieval england
patron of the arts
baseball’s hardest worker
orel hershiser
if life were like hockey
colombiatourism.com
ant farm
IV
love coupons
stadium proposal
sultan of brunei
endangered species
mating throughout history
when the “guess your weight” guy from the carnival got married
my roommate is really hard to get along with
homework
when small talk goes wrong
V
jesus
karma
repent
a conversation between god and the man in a football helmet and a
speedo who’s always shouting things next to the a & p
the odds
where are all the time travelers?
desert island
the dog x-files
animal cruelty
lost puppy!
glorious battles of the american revolution
a day in the life of the swiss army
how i imagine life in the u.s. army (based on the commercials i’ve seen)
how did all those fun army chants get started?
how college kids imagine the u.s. government
war
acknowledgments
I
Then Abraham tied Isaac up and laid him on the altar over the wood. And Abraham took
the knife and lifted it up to kill his son as a sacrifice to the LORD. At that moment the
angel of the LORD shouted to him from heaven, “Abraham! Lay down the knife.” …
Then they returned to Beersheba.
—GENESIS 22