Angry White Pyjamas

158 Pages·1997·30.87 MB·English

by  Robert Twigger

ROBERT TWIGGER

2

IN w yV
A SCRAWNY OXFORD POET TAKES

LESSONS FROM THE TOKYO RIOT POLICE
ROBERT TWIGGER

Angry White Pyjamas

A Scrawny Oxford Poet Takes
Lessons from the Tokyo Riot Police
‘Thisbook was firs polish a apaprbck npn in Gres esi in

nde

{ANGRY WuTE PASS, Copyriahs B 1987 by Rober vag Al
Sees of Ameri. Noro

‘xcept in dhe case rel quotatios en
pero

eh zscod, Printed nthe Uns

book amy

Publishers ne, 10 Eat Sad Sze, New Yrk, NY

asperColine banks maybe puss fs
set promo Pvmton e eit Ss Maih

York NY

‘man thinks mesny of himself for aoe having
tren a soldier.”

Dr Jobncon

“And dangerous tol” He'd once diven off cli in jeep
bis pet Labrador ted by alah othe dashboard. He, of coy
vrs unbeked. var thrown cea. Dog wat killed. Proves seg
Tels ae no bloody good”

‘Aer India and then Maly, Colonel H. lived ia x
_mazsion dep ia the Oxfordshire couneside. On the ain
there was a huge Japanese shell filed with Naga seas. A
hid sting my grander Used co till mye hy fig
the uma hair tha decorated the pear andl

“When Coloue 1. bad worbache he pulled ou dhe
isl with pi of ry pli

In bs forse could still do handiprings om the lawn,
though be drink half « bore of whishy and smcked
sSquerera dy

in his eighties, mow a nonsmoking tetra, he ge
ising down ~ ‘Organs ar all in che wrong place’ ~ and
threw oul ik cate we pcr this sor eos of thane

In one of hit dipla cbines wae an slminiam cigucete
‘pven to him by fend and fellow army offer who
Survived four years in Changi Gaol curing the war, It
sully fashioned fom an aluminium mes tn, wih + sew
slip mae from a penn.

Tome, beans Inver relly ke ir, Calenel H.
ined previous er, the tough age when ines meant
deh of + mirtios over, wre pan was ignored, ap
laughed all doctors aug of ws quacks all
considered aud. It wat an age when people fered snd
‘complain, Now thy took Peas and sll complained. L
‘exempt. I tok wo Pavacetmol the moment I got the
Irealache, Chris prefered Ibuprofen, The Colonel would
sneered mighty

2

Beginner's Mind

proyhady wane £0 go Heaven, but nobody want 0 get
dd”

“crewface, nthe Seren Seagal movi Marked for Daich
dp the judgement of the elders, 2 Samura's obschacy
hock be excessive
From the seventeenh-cenury Samurai manval Hegre

“Ye bezn ake,’ Chris announcd, Yor being bald” He bad
Jie een from his mon cave pare ob caching a
Foe ngs shoo! ron ence by Jopeate women in
Bt iis had dane the ob fo a few aces bur busines
Bad or bon ax good a he bos waned. Chis ied wo puta
Brave fice on ut | could el he was annoyed even hut ince
hed een ging on 20 wel wih some of th aden. The box
had decided thatthe nly way co increase revenue was t hte
fome fish and say Enh teachers to anna the hucatne
calle and oficelady mater Chris, being, bald. wa she
feng.

“The depury bos suggest 1 got + wig. “Even Sean Connery
Festa wig” she rold me 1 aponded by tying hai they paid
Fors wig wari They themes oul may thy Bed

iit needed chsrng up. We got out Ener dhe Dragon on
1 was one ofhisfivouie films, though I'd managed to

I by without warching it before, As we watched, Chris role
in quoting the Famous Brice Ie lines just befoce Lee
alee Bur ie wasn’t the words that stuck in my mind, it
© opening heicoprer shor of Hian's land, where we see

23
Contents

How Does Man Prove Hine inthe Age of
‘ince!

Begone’: Mind

‘Canna Take

Foaming ac the Mouth

Police Academy

Zen and the Art of Being Really, Rally, Angry

Challenge

Good Cop, Bad Cop

“The House Summer Since 1963

Purp aca Funerd

“The Bad Guys Have Hales

How e Come the Perfect Murder

Surat

Nasr Nass

‘The Moune Fu Ter.

Breaking the Mirror

‘An Honourable Est

Unie Bodyguard

Glonay

SER

SE88
How Does a Man Prove Himself
in the Age of Nintendot

‘tn seer ous & 4 citation ib which the very word
{poser evokes hose sire”

George Orwell
‘is beter 10 have some ntappiess whan one ist
young for fs person doesnot experience some caress
evil scie dow.
From the seveeeert-cetry Smurmanual gare

Time walking 1 work when I noticed a shin ball easng in the
gutter, I was 2 pachinko ball, used in a kind of Japanese slot
Frachive x pit. Ac the end of pachinko scion you cath in
fe sel bal, which cn number thousands fora facpot, for
ine of cher hoschold goods or money. Ural he ball wy
fn he pach pairs, s0 Iwas suprised ro ee another, and a
le way of another, and then another. Following this weasuse
tall I picked them up, ded them of sang 0 myrelfin the
tam suruhise. The sun lintel off the sel and I hiked them
tog ike smal bo picking up pebbles ona beach.

‘The walled upto the main road, which I neded to cro to
frch the «nin sation, war bending down 10 pickup ye
other ball when I heard dhe ech of tes siding and swe
timber spill on to the road from the back of stall cruck. A red
Manda sporw car faced the truck as other cars went into the
epee lane to avoid the indent. T want sre what bad
Jeppeed but T sopped ro wach cnkng the patio ball
‘pti my hand.

The truck driver wat a young man with « ‘punch pert

a
hairstyle, dhe syle prefered by Japanese men with chugs
tendencies, eaking it inspiration for the hairdos of che yuku,
‘npanzed crime, mainly involved in gambling rackets. He picked
Gp a pice of allen timber from he back of his tuck an
wooped on the driver of the spor cat. In gutural, macho
Japanese he yelled: What're you doing? Who do you think you
fae’, incesspersed with repeated these of, ‘Tm gonna kil you
The ar diver, I could swe, was very fghtened. He was allo
young man and wore «suit. The tuck driver banged his 23
flew of wood down on the car windscreen, making as ify.
mash the glas. The diver shielded his face in automa
anticipation. This show of fear made things worse. The earaged
tuck driver banged the glass a few more times and the Mi
river repeatedly apologined: ‘Semin. Gomen nasa Gomen
jen mast’ Then the trick diver reached in and grabbed
rman inthe Mauda by bis i, This i it, 1 though, violence
T ought wo intervene ~ bur how? There seemed no pase,
thoughiful gap allowing me co interject & worthy comment,
restraining arm. I wa fozen, immobile, arf

Asie tothe side ofthe road. Then the mice man hit she Mi
fon the hub cape and the diver, who wae sill apologizing.
four. He bowel to die uuck diver, 90 degra bow, a
spology. The tuck driver ranted some more, bellowing.
row (Vm gonna kil you’, and beat the bumper and hub,
to emphasize his dissatisfaction

‘Then it happened. Something so srange and out of place
modern Tale T caulé never have predic it. As cars wit
‘st on the highway, the trick driver pushed the Mazda
down on to his knee on the gras verge, The beste sl
looked pathetic Kneling on the gras infront of che en
teuck diver and his big piece of wood. | choughe perkaps
might cry. Instead, the profesional executed fll eiperoe
sums oussuetched, proscating himself fce-fst into the 6

10

sor ed edie oe pe
ee ganar Uhl ont ard ly egg
2 eon heard
eh ene is ced
Be rac ktiy ec val ees oe
ae en fn ep bd ea
it a kn be pCa ten i
SL EP yan Fe cod a
BES aig dpe my ay be Toes
ela olag ah roel hy reasons
Fr ae dig clued oo enn hel
Be pein nc fetine nval hsparvoerl
“areelaraetoni

Violence war not my ching. Thac’s why living ia Tokyo suited
Ine ~ i was probably the sees capil cig inthe would. Bus,
Increasingly, T asked myseif what 1 would do iF T got mugged,
srccked, picked on, targeted by bladewieding mutants in a
dark, an aller; the dark, dank ale thc reeks of piss and old
burger vappers, the urban sofe's nightmare last stand ~ alone,
defences, crouched ina fetal ball proteeting his privates with
4 sogey newspaper. Frankly it made me uneasy. I became
@ovinced that the uneasiness, which would not go say, was
‘onnected to my general lack of fness. Deceptude was aecping
up on me and I was only thy. Some kind of innate healthinest
‘nd kepe me going doughout my twenties, but dhe minute 1
fumed thiny I went int 2 major dedi. I began to suspect 1
4d ME or some other mysterious and. dtiliating ines. This
cline vas adminedly not helped by smoking. drinking lot of
Goffe and living off bol-in-thebag aire tice, My coom-mates
(Rfleed with me. Chis developed aene on his back. Fat Frank,
iain. was et hy permanent ad ere wind

ight we sor, lump, tld and bree. Bena his
Impresive shining dome was a bain of immense power and

lesiy. tn a former age he might have been a general, 3

a
univeniy profesor, an adiser to ous and kings. In Thatcher’
Brita he bad been + tax consultant Chais's masive ming
invemed tac avoidance schemes of such invicacy chat 3D,
diagrams on conference table sired pieces of paper were

for their description. Chris was the orginal whic, burnt out
ac twentpseen after earning hundreds of shousands tli rc
people how « save money, As « casualty of the money
‘ghtes he had rurned his back on conventional life ia order 9
putiue hi many interes, Bue, most importantly, he always put
lis fiends ist, helping chem even when ie put himself at ik
He had gone fom being tax guru to « multi-purpose guru, and
‘whenever [had a problem my fine sop was often tase Chis
his opinion, He krew everything, had been everywhere,
alinant doae it alls and if he hada’, his near photographic
memory spewed out reading list of absoluely eens

on che subject in question.

‘Asa falleime guru and a par-tine English eacher,
conmidera che modern. word to be unheathily obsessed
‘leanne. He liked the disbloth to be aicly grimy so tha
woulda'e be cheated of a dilly dose of microsopic fi
neces for keeping our immune systems in dp-top. wok
ttder, Rather han terminate the help bacteria ia
‘odorous shirts be prefered co douse chem wich 2
smelling mal perfume called Mandom, which was conven
‘lable a all apanese 7-Flevers eweny-four hours a day.

‘Chui had reamed up with the genial Far Frank in a il
‘per venture in Dubai. They had come co Tapan to try and

‘Before coming to Jspan Far Frark had been, variously
fmateat ltanlan weesder, a professoral belly dancer and
medical student. He wat Iranian, though educated in the

and he loved to constrict arcane and pointless sentences just

2

new word ‘Be dha as ie may,’ was one of is favourite
practise

Palin ily ad il hi ace We
eee en do tetera
Seed
Sagan pire operon
—aleeptpteeet tr siecerphnes
tener aroma
Regent eigen
epee element
noe ae epee’
ee rr
Ror
Behe ae in
ar ken ee
Se
fe ealerccncsrcms ape
ee
iret
ee ar ree
EE eer reirelons
ee ecient tre
Bicawigh nage oicaren rae
SE epi
Te coy wilted bad eee
eek See iette riers
ee ee
ae ft adc ee
eee lee bent petei
Hlodks on cther side. There were two rooms each ren fove by
mitra a
Bs abn mene mnie Jo hm
— by rw metres long, Most rooms are laid our with
me a a ii Se ne

B
(One of our rooms had six ofthe ami ats and the he
had scufled lino. Compared eo Tesh,» nineeen
Samra poct {admired we were teh. He only owned hal
tas one fr tnediadoo, one far gues and one for hs wi
and hinsel

“The tata 100m was the sleping room and the Doak orgs
room, We had nenly « houand books sacked up agains he
vel in cat pies by Chris, who was 2 compulive
purchase, Fa Frank prefered to borrow ot id! his backs, All
Of ws consicred reading se necenry a ing: Frank spent
{wes deal of cme doing bot, 20 che ies jt go highes and
Higher. We had tobe caefl when we Went o bed in as
toppled down on tous Hach nigh we unoled fons and
onthe for. Fach morning we told them up and sored
in the comer.

‘The cter room wat a kchen and dining rom. The
‘orange pire baticom war acssed fom the kitchen. So
the rmpermntal latory. We had a Jo af oaroie
sncer, which Ft Frank calc from abe: prope’ wage
Japan, the atbage pickings ae very good bease pepe
ave enough space to sor od bis and TVs when hey
them, So dey af rw way hings tha sll wot Fat
tated wo ace good consumer usable gong 0 wae 5
Bronghe them home ard stored hem in his pare ofthe
Afr few days of orgs, geny secimating ut to 2
‘eduction in space he would sles thm for general te
Tad ow Gx nchines, buh alighly damage, ene Sr
and one for reciving Two vide eoorders~ one i 4
fase forward, the other delete fr revere. Tw9 of
asset players Two computer. Two answering aching
drew the line at geting » mciowave. Chis fk ft would
encourage to et even mote pane junk food on
‘odie, fiend inant goat (pulsed pasvia) and
Tend sobiori(cicen on a sew) fom the mute
mas whote shop wat only or Bock ay.

1“

ed at physical exercze was shooting the slow-

eo) es tind Fl He i
ee Te te
tae kad ore teal
Sa ois

He ol of my He was lpping sway. chat 1 was fading
fa ezonng seh lar wth an exients au apeoah
fa Heyes wor eee enough theft hat Ts
seg going mer and Unig wih wo oer guy who
sy ay and gong nowhere "The fc that fda ave
TSE ob. 4 sendy eelicnd, ot even avery steady hand what
Sabra the eafcine and siotine coursing through my veins
The fcr thar someone had recendy sien the ie off our washing
Fehon, whch, beng ooors, was pariclry vlerble 0
Gime, A wahing machine which ran OF cold water and Sled
fo ge ny shir cll clu, forcing mew elt that fo a di
Tense ation the Japanese manufette very poor wating
Irachnes forthe home marker

“The only posible iesyle in sch cramped conditions was
‘emmunal. We ste rogecr, we ep in the sme roam, we went
fot wopticr. 1 on the rare ocenion when it happened
fomcon's glfend came round, we had to arranger be ‘out
40 that 2 ew hoa ofpivcy could be had. fn the nd we knew
26h others though, ned ach ethers seen and ead
Sch others mail It was ai the cramped condone had ord

ig For w cme ene holy eof

selFiposal safering was logical. Farly i was because
{hth ih oof lrg in Tokyo and ary tas bce Fat
Frank was unemployable, There fad been backlash gaint
fan in agen and ic was imposible, with hit dodgy vse
$80 for him = find wore. Previously, « generous vin ae
Ran, asad allowed Joan tbe sed with ver =
8 Tian. They were needed tally to do lows

Rial je. Now dhere were mo many Tanans ard the Japanese
‘rideed fe waa eee

them a. problem, There were. peieic

5