An Encyclopedia of Humor

414 Pages·1998·10.462 MB·English

by  Lowell D. Streiker and Scott Pinzon

An
ENCYCLOPEDIA
of
HUMOR
Lowell D. Streiker
HENDEICKSON
P U B L I S H E RS
CONTENTS
AN INTRODUCTION vii
INTRODUCING LOWELL STREIKER viii
1. CHURCH LIFE 9
A martyr is someone who has to live with a saint
2. KIDS' THEOLOGY 63
You don't have to do homework in heaven
(unless your teacher is there, too)
3. HEAVEN & HELL 77
We could've gotten here sooner if we hadn't eaten
all that oat bran
4. MEN VS. WOMEN 93
I'm so miserable without you, it's like having you here
5. FAMILY & HOME 121
Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids
6. BLOOPERS, BUMPER SNICKERS, &ZINCERS 169
Save the whales; collect the whole set
7. SPORTS & LEISURE 197
Bacteria is the only culture some people have
8. ON THE JOB (BUT OUT TO LUNCH) 209
To err is human; to forgive is not company policy
9. 'PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!" 235
The doctor is very busy; please have your
symptoms ready
V
10. LAWYERS 245
Notice: Inalienable Rights Cancelled for Today
11. COPS & ROBBERS 275
Headline: "Thugs eat then rob proprietor"
12. GOVERNMENTS, MILITARY 285
If the Russian rulers were the Tsar and Tsarina,
were their children Tsardines?
13. TOO MANY LIGHT BULB JOKES 315
Q: How many Amish does it take to change
a light bulb? A: What's a light bulb?
14. AGING & HEALTH 325
You're only young once, but you can stay
immature indefinitely
15. YOU'RE ALL NOTHING BUT AN IMALSF 351
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
16. THE REST OF THE WORLD 367
I try to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering
TOPICAL INDEX 406
Jik lyf
W #• m ^1
INTRODUCTION
^"MF Noted evangelist John Franklin was speaking at two
V*9 different churches in a large city in the same week.
l|C^J> A reporter was present at the first service. After the
sermon the evangelist pleaded with the reporter not to publish
in the local paper any of the jokes he had used that night since
he was going to use the same stories the following night at the
other church. The next morning the reporter published an
excellent review of the evangelist's message and concluded
with these words: "The Reverend Mr. Franklin also told many
stories that cannot be published."
What follows is a collection of stories that definitely can be
published! Here are nearly three thousand of my all-time
favorite anecdotes, jokes, and witty comments about virtually
every topic under the sun. I trust that they will be of value to
you as you meet and communicate with others—whatever your
vocation may be. Laughter is a powerful force, and it is yours
to use whether you are a minister, a public speaker, a teacher,
a salesman, an office worker, a psychologist, or a plumber!
The laughter encouraged by this collection is supportive of
human dignity. It is life-affirming and life-giving. And it is, to
borrow a word from religion, prophetic. It comforts the afflicted
and afflicts the comfortable. It ennobles our spirits and extends
our love to others.
And, above all, it's fun!
So remember four simple words:
Live. Love. Laugh. Bloom!
—Reverend Lowell
Vll
INTRODUCING LOWELL STREIKER
Lowell D. Streiker is an ordained minister in the United
Church of Christ and holds a Ph.D. in religion from Princeton
University. He has written, co-authored, edited, and con
tributed to more than twenty books. He has co-produced and
moderated the television series Counterpoint for CBS. He has
appeared on numerous radio and television programs includ
ing The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Merv Griffin Show, and CBS
Morning News.
Visit his website, Reverend Lowell's Electronic Congre
gation, at http://www.revlowell.com. Your humor contributions
and comments are always welcome.
MEET LOWELL IN PERSON!
Share Lowell's "good clean fun" words of inspiration with
your business, church, or other audience. Lowell is available
for speaking engagements, workshops, conferences, and
preaching. During the past two years, he has spoken, sung,
preached, and entertained in the United States, Norway,
Germany, Holland, Finland, Russia, Poland, and Hungary. For
more information, contact Lowell today at:
795 Reina del Mar Avenue
Pacifka, California 94044-3153
Phone: [phone]
Fax: (650) 359-0850
E-mail: [email protected]
Vlll
1
CHURCH LIFE
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. —Mark Twain
The new priest was trying to institute some liturgical reform in
his very old-fashioned parish by teaching his parishioners the
new responses. He said to them, "When I say, 'The Lord be
with you,' you will reply all together, 'And with you also.' Then
I will say, 'Let us pray.'"
The day came for the introduction of the new liturgy.
Something happened to the microphone, and the priest, trying
to adjust it, said in a loud voice, "There is something wrong
with this microphone."
The congregation responded with one loud voice, "And
with you also!" —King Duncan
I was preaching in a small Methodist church in Georgia and
asked the congregation, "How many of you folks here this
morning are Methodists?"
Everybody raised a hand, except one little old lady.
After the service, when she and I were shaking hands, I said,
"Ma'am, I noticed you didn't raise your hand. That means you're
not a Methodist. Would you mind telling me what you are?"
She said, "Well, I'm a Baptist."
9
10 • AN ENCYCLOPEDIA OF Hum©F®
Some of the people standing around didn't seem to appre
ciate her answer. So I asked her, "Ma'am, would you mind
telling me why you're a Baptist?"
She said, "I really don't know, except my mother was a
Baptist, my father was a Baptist, my grandmother and my
grandfather were Baptists."
I said, "Ma'am, that's really not a good reason to be a
Baptist. Suppose your mother and your father, and your grand
mother and your grandfather had been morons, what would
you have been?"
Without batting an eye, she said, "I guess I'd have been a
Methodist."
Mls it a sin to have sexual relations before receiving Communion?"
the young woman asked her pastor.
"Only if you block the aisle," he replied.
We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and,
like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were
on vacation.
One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist
church. It was a hot day, and the folks were nearly drowsing in
the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on, until all of a
sudden he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in
the arms of another man's wife."
The congregation let out a gasp and came to immediate
attention. The dozing deacon in the back row dropped his
hymnbook.
Then the preacher added, "It was my mother."
The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow
along as the sermon concluded.
I filed away this trick in my memory, since it was such a
great way to regain the congregation's attention. The next
summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were
buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower
in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them.
CHURCH LIFE • 11
Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains,
and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have
been spent in the arms of another man's wife."
Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in
the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the
pew in front of him. I had them.
But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I
could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remem
ber her name!" —Pastor Roger Matthews
Mrs. Hansen had been a member of First Baptist church for
twenty-five years. After the service, as she walked toward the
pastor who stood waiting at the sanctuary door, it was obvious
that she had something on her mind. She complained,
"Reverend, if God were alive today, He would be shocked at the
changes in this church!"
^ /V A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any
^ _V longer. In the confessional he admitted that for
u*MJKX years he had been stealing building supplies from
the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his parish priest asked.
"Enough to build my own home and enough for my son's
house. And houses for our two daughters. And our cottage at
the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think
of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get
the plans, I can get the lumber."
Rev. Harold Watson, a Congregationalist minister, received a
call from a woman who was quite distressed over the death of
her pet cat, Samantha. She asked the minister to conduct a
funeral service for her cat. The minister explained that it was
contrary to Congregationalist policy to conduct funerals for
12 • AN ENCYCLOPEDIA OF Hum(3)F®
animals and referred her to a friend, a Methodist pastor. Later,
Watson learned that the Methodist minister had referred her
to a Presbyterian minister, who had referred her to someone else.
A day later, the grieving pet owner called Watson back, still
upset. She said she was at her wit's end, couldn't find a minis
ter to conduct Samantha's funeral, and didn't know what to
do. She said she planned to donate ten thousand dollars to the
church of the minister who performed this service for Samantha.
Watson said to her, "Well, why didn't you tell me Samantha
was a Congregationalist in the first place?"
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with
glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head
when the platter was passed to him.
Father Kelly scolded playfully, "When are you going to for
get that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied, "At your
wedding reception, Father Kelly."
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles
from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the
Sunday worship service at a small rural church.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father
complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The
sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."
Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good
for a dime."
A very dignified pastor was visiting a lady in a nursing home
who was confined to a wheelchair. As he stood to leave, the lady
asked him to have a word of prayer. He gently took her hand
and prayed that God would be with her to bring her comfort,
strength and healing.
When he finished praying, her face began to glow. She said
softly, "Pastor, would you help me to my feet?"