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An Encyclopedia of Humor PDF

414 Pages·1998·10.462 MB·English
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An ENCYCLOPEDIA of HUMOR Lowell D. Streiker HENDEICKSON P U B L I S H E RS CONTENTS AN INTRODUCTION vii INTRODUCING LOWELL STREIKER viii 1. CHURCH LIFE 9 A martyr is someone who has to live with a saint 2. KIDS' THEOLOGY 63 You don't have to do homework in heaven (unless your teacher is there, too) 3. HEAVEN & HELL 77 We could've gotten here sooner if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran 4. MEN VS. WOMEN 93 I'm so miserable without you, it's like having you here 5. FAMILY & HOME 121 Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids 6. BLOOPERS, BUMPER SNICKERS, &ZINCERS 169 Save the whales; collect the whole set 7. SPORTS & LEISURE 197 Bacteria is the only culture some people have 8. ON THE JOB (BUT OUT TO LUNCH) 209 To err is human; to forgive is not company policy 9. 'PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!" 235 The doctor is very busy; please have your symptoms ready V 10. LAWYERS 245 Notice: Inalienable Rights Cancelled for Today 11. COPS & ROBBERS 275 Headline: "Thugs eat then rob proprietor" 12. GOVERNMENTS, MILITARY 285 If the Russian rulers were the Tsar and Tsarina, were their children Tsardines? 13. TOO MANY LIGHT BULB JOKES 315 Q: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? A: What's a light bulb? 14. AGING & HEALTH 325 You're only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely 15. YOU'RE ALL NOTHING BUT AN IMALSF 351 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? 16. THE REST OF THE WORLD 367 I try to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering TOPICAL INDEX 406 Jik lyf W #• m ^1 INTRODUCTION ^"MF Noted evangelist John Franklin was speaking at two V*9 different churches in a large city in the same week. l|C^J> A reporter was present at the first service. After the sermon the evangelist pleaded with the reporter not to publish in the local paper any of the jokes he had used that night since he was going to use the same stories the following night at the other church. The next morning the reporter published an excellent review of the evangelist's message and concluded with these words: "The Reverend Mr. Franklin also told many stories that cannot be published." What follows is a collection of stories that definitely can be published! Here are nearly three thousand of my all-time favorite anecdotes, jokes, and witty comments about virtually every topic under the sun. I trust that they will be of value to you as you meet and communicate with others—whatever your vocation may be. Laughter is a powerful force, and it is yours to use whether you are a minister, a public speaker, a teacher, a salesman, an office worker, a psychologist, or a plumber! The laughter encouraged by this collection is supportive of human dignity. It is life-affirming and life-giving. And it is, to borrow a word from religion, prophetic. It comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable. It ennobles our spirits and extends our love to others. And, above all, it's fun! So remember four simple words: Live. Love. Laugh. Bloom! —Reverend Lowell Vll INTRODUCING LOWELL STREIKER Lowell D. Streiker is an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ and holds a Ph.D. in religion from Princeton University. He has written, co-authored, edited, and con tributed to more than twenty books. He has co-produced and moderated the television series Counterpoint for CBS. He has appeared on numerous radio and television programs includ ing The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Merv Griffin Show, and CBS Morning News. Visit his website, Reverend Lowell's Electronic Congre gation, at http://www.revlowell.com. Your humor contributions and comments are always welcome. MEET LOWELL IN PERSON! Share Lowell's "good clean fun" words of inspiration with your business, church, or other audience. Lowell is available for speaking engagements, workshops, conferences, and preaching. During the past two years, he has spoken, sung, preached, and entertained in the United States, Norway, Germany, Holland, Finland, Russia, Poland, and Hungary. For more information, contact Lowell today at: 795 Reina del Mar Avenue Pacifka, California 94044-3153 Phone: (650) 359-7123 Fax: (650) 359-0850 E-mail: [email protected] Vlll 1 CHURCH LIFE Sacred cows make the best hamburger. —Mark Twain The new priest was trying to institute some liturgical reform in his very old-fashioned parish by teaching his parishioners the new responses. He said to them, "When I say, 'The Lord be with you,' you will reply all together, 'And with you also.' Then I will say, 'Let us pray.'" The day came for the introduction of the new liturgy. Something happened to the microphone, and the priest, trying to adjust it, said in a loud voice, "There is something wrong with this microphone." The congregation responded with one loud voice, "And with you also!" —King Duncan I was preaching in a small Methodist church in Georgia and asked the congregation, "How many of you folks here this morning are Methodists?" Everybody raised a hand, except one little old lady. After the service, when she and I were shaking hands, I said, "Ma'am, I noticed you didn't raise your hand. That means you're not a Methodist. Would you mind telling me what you are?" She said, "Well, I'm a Baptist." 9 10 • AN ENCYCLOPEDIA OF Hum©F® Some of the people standing around didn't seem to appre ciate her answer. So I asked her, "Ma'am, would you mind telling me why you're a Baptist?" She said, "I really don't know, except my mother was a Baptist, my father was a Baptist, my grandmother and my grandfather were Baptists." I said, "Ma'am, that's really not a good reason to be a Baptist. Suppose your mother and your father, and your grand mother and your grandfather had been morons, what would you have been?" Without batting an eye, she said, "I guess I'd have been a Methodist." Mls it a sin to have sexual relations before receiving Communion?" the young woman asked her pastor. "Only if you block the aisle," he replied. We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation. One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist church. It was a hot day, and the folks were nearly drowsing in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on, until all of a sudden he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation let out a gasp and came to immediate attention. The dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher added, "It was my mother." The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed away this trick in my memory, since it was such a great way to regain the congregation's attention. The next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. CHURCH LIFE • 11 Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remem ber her name!" —Pastor Roger Matthews Mrs. Hansen had been a member of First Baptist church for twenty-five years. After the service, as she walked toward the pastor who stood waiting at the sanctuary door, it was obvious that she had something on her mind. She complained, "Reverend, if God were alive today, He would be shocked at the changes in this church!" ^ /V A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any ^ _V longer. In the confessional he admitted that for u*MJKX years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his parish priest asked. "Enough to build my own home and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters. And our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber." Rev. Harold Watson, a Congregationalist minister, received a call from a woman who was quite distressed over the death of her pet cat, Samantha. She asked the minister to conduct a funeral service for her cat. The minister explained that it was contrary to Congregationalist policy to conduct funerals for 12 • AN ENCYCLOPEDIA OF Hum(3)F® animals and referred her to a friend, a Methodist pastor. Later, Watson learned that the Methodist minister had referred her to a Presbyterian minister, who had referred her to someone else. A day later, the grieving pet owner called Watson back, still upset. She said she was at her wit's end, couldn't find a minis ter to conduct Samantha's funeral, and didn't know what to do. She said she planned to donate ten thousand dollars to the church of the minister who performed this service for Samantha. Watson said to her, "Well, why didn't you tell me Samantha was a Congregationalist in the first place?" The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him. Father Kelly scolded playfully, "When are you going to for get that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?" Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied, "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly." A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key." Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime." A very dignified pastor was visiting a lady in a nursing home who was confined to a wheelchair. As he stood to leave, the lady asked him to have a word of prayer. He gently took her hand and prayed that God would be with her to bring her comfort, strength and healing. When he finished praying, her face began to glow. She said softly, "Pastor, would you help me to my feet?"

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