An Altar Boy with a Gun

14 Pages·2012·30.57 MB·English

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An Altar Boy with a Gun
Roul Diaz, prison reentry sociol worker,
Los Angeles
Raul Dtaz is crushing flowers underfoot as he runs. Though he
doesn't have the stamina of his teenage years of cross-country
and baseball, he's grateful that his legs can still take him up a hill
at thirty-four. He needs that perspective. He pauses at the top
of a slope in Elysian Park, puts his hands on his hips, and looks
out-his deep brown eyes surveyirg Los Angeles, the city that
has formed him in all of its beauty and violence. Giant palm trees
frame the scene-anxious traffic winds between houses painted
in che ery pastels, and beyond, tall gray buildings stand innocu-
ous, their edges blurred by the distance and smog. He can almost
make out the outlines of Boyle Heights, his courageous little
neighborhoodjust east of downtown L.A. and the Los Angeles
River, C6sar E. Ch 6vez Avenue rolling boldly through.
Up here, surrounded by deep green, his breath crackling in
his chest, Raul can get a break from life down there-the way
the boys drag their feet as they head back to their cells in Chino
when his visits with them are over, the sadly predictable swollen
bellies on teenage girls hanging out in the project playground in
the unforgiving afternoon heat, the incessant needs of his clients
(housing, jobs, work clothes, car insurance, food), unmet unless
he figures ou t a way to meet them.
He runs up here because it's a way to leave all that behind.
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DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A GUN
But even more, h" runs up here because he has never figured out Plus, Raul had Father Greg Boyle.
any other way of stavirg off the sadness. As Morgan Freeman's On Halloween night 1985, one of Raul's brothers was shot
character, Red, says in a movie that stuck in Raul's mincl, The and ended up in the emergency room. Guadalupe sat rocking
Shawshank Redernption, "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can ancl praying in the waiting room of County General Hospital, tiny
drive a man insane." Raul by her side, wishing he were older and could somehow make
it all right. A lanky white priest with a beard appeared, as if out
THE youNGEST oF ErGHT BROTHERS, Raul was raised by one of nowhere, and gave Guadalupe a huge hrg. They'd never met
firecracker mom, Guadalupe (Lupe to her friends) Loera, who before, but he calmly assured her, "Everything will be okay."
can cook up a chorizo storm and isn't afraid to take to the streets in
search of one of her sons. She fled an abusive husband, the father HoMEBoy INDUSTRIES, a center for at-risk and formerly gang-
of her six initial sons, in Texas (her family's home since crossing involved youth to get job placement, training, and education,
the border from Vlexico in r8gz). She relocated to the P,ico proj- is a modern, orange building-large and shiny among the land-
ects of Boyle Heights without a single friend in 1968. ("All roads scape of parking lots filled with school buses, beauty supply
lead to Boyle Heights" is a frequent saying, reflecting the long warehouses, and an elevated train that slinks into a station right
history of the neighborhood as a first stop for arriving immigrants.) on the edge of Chinatown. Inside, the waiting room is packed.
Guadalupe got a job at aprint shop, a place rvhere she would work Mostly guys, but a few young women, fill the twenty-five seats in
for minimum wage for fifteen years without complaint. the lobby, and about a dozen more mill about watchirg CNN on
In the early seventies, she met Raul's father-a Vietnam a large flat-screen television. Two security guards with earpieces
vet-who would end up shirking responsibility for his two kids. stand next to the check-in desk and survey the crowd, looking for
By the time Raul was five years old, his father was mostly absent, rival gang members eyeing one another up. A few younger guys
with the exception of a few random Saturdays when he would sit behind the desk, making sure that everyone who enters signs
pull into the parking lot of the projects and start drinking. On in, including me.
those days he might show one of the boys how to fix a car or give "Who you here for?" a guy with a prominent tattoo on his neck
them advice about girls, but Raul mostly stayed away. and a great smile asks.
"Why was that?" I ask, trying to picture Raul as a young, "Raul Dtaz," I answer.
undoubtedly chubby-cheeked kid, resisting the impulse to run "Oh, Rulies? He's upstairs, probably. Just sign in and you can
out and greet his dad. go up." His community has called him "Rulies" for so long that
"Don't get me wrong, Courtney," he says. "I wanted a dad, but Raul has forgotten how he got the nickname in the first place.
I also watched the way these two neighbor kids responded every Indeed, I find Raul in the upstairs hallwa!, talking to some
time their dad visited for the weekend. They wanted nothing to kids in blue and khaki vests (the uniform for Homeboy employ-
do with him. At first I was confused, but then I reahzed that not ees in trainirrg). He's wearing a black button-up shirt, dark jeans,
having a dad at all was sometimes better than having one that and black leather shoes; he prides himself on looking nice-
abused you." "business casual"-and setting an example for the boys.
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Raul gives me a warm hrg, even though we met for the first types of lobs: baking, catering, and service through the Homegirl
time only the d^y before, and we start the tour. Homeboy Indus- Caf6; retail and silk screeni^g through the on-site store, which
tries resembles any modern office environment-cubicles in the features T-shirts, coffee mugs, onesies, and Celeste Fremon's
center, small offices lining the outside , o groaning copy machine, exhaustively researched book about Father Greg Boyle , G-Dog
lots of metal file cabinets, even a lounge where a plate of cookies and the HoncehoVs; landscaping; clerical work (includirg basic
has been left for staff members. Raul introduces me to the head computer skills); and most recently, solar panel creation and
of development, who has a grandmotherly fierceness about her. installation. The youngest employees also take classes during
She gives me some press clips (Wall Street Journal, Los Ange- the dny in everything from parentirg skills to meditation. Most
les Tirnes, l{eu,sweel<) and an invitation to the upcoming fund- of those who come through the building have a gang tattoo or
raising dinner-hosted by Losf cocreator J. J. Abrams. two removed in the clinic on the first floor, staffed entirely by
Homeboy Industries has come a long way since its origins volunteer doctors.
in the Lord Mission Church twenty-plus years ago. Father Greg Raul has been part of this world, in one form or another, since
Boyle, now a celebrity of sorts, was just an unusually committed he was a child, so walking through the halls with him is punctu-
and daring Catholic priest back then, determined to show the ated by frequent pounds and hugs. The enticing smell of freshly
gangbangers of Boyle Heights that there was rnore to life than baked bread wafts up from the first-floor bakery. Everything is
turf wars and drugs. He tried to entice young guys like Raul into shiny and new-no tagging, no sagging. All the young people that
the church through youth groups and work opportunities. He mill about are in Homebody Industry T-shirts and clean, pressed
also helped catalyze "the neighborhood ladies," as Raul affection- pants. They aren't allowed to listen to their iPods or talk on their
ately calls them, to form a parents' organization called Comite cell phones, so instead they shoot the shit with one another.
por Paz en el Barrio (the Committee for Peace in the Barrio). There is a constant buzz of flirtation and inside jokes.
Raul's own mother, Guadalupe, was the president. As we curve around past the classro filled with young
Recognizing that many of the sons and daughters of Boyle people-and along a hallway lined with photo collages of clients
Heights fell into gangbanging because there were no viable al, past and current, we run into Alex. He's about five foot four and
ternatives, Father Boyle and the ladies started approaching local wears black-framed dark glasses, his head shaved, his Homeboy
businesses to see if they would hire the kids-attesting to their Industries T-shirt overs rzed. "Tell her your sto{/, Alex. She's a
innate goodness and lack of opportunities. Their grassroots effort writer," Raul instructs.
evolved into Homebny Industries' current incarnation. Alex launches in, starting with how many bullets are lodged
Today, Homeboy Industries is funded mostly by private do in his body (seven) and insisting that I feel the one that is just
nors and serves twelve thousand people a year-eight thousand under the surface of the skin on his neck-an immediate inti-
gang members and four thousand gang-impacted youth between macy that startles me. He's been blind for fourteen years, but
eighteen and twenty-five. (These figures don't include the count- still gangbanged for ten of them. "My homies would just put a
less people who are helped outside the building in countless little gun and a bag of drugs in my lap and I'd be good," he says. About
ways.) It provides young men and women with training in several halfway through his spoken-word poem-a cross between gang-
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DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A GUN
ster rap bravado and born-again inspiration-I realtze that Alex were running around Elysian Park near Dodger Stadium. "While
is used to performing his story for visiting journalists and donors everyone else was selling dope," Raul says, "l \A,as runni.g. Other
on cue. I feel a little gross, like the ex-gangster is tap dancing for guys in the neighborhood would see my brothers and I and make
his supper and I'm the one who is supposed to provide it. That fun of us-'Those fools are always running.' But I liked that kind
feeling is confirmed when he says, "l've got carcls downstairs if of recognition."
you want to drop by on your way out." It was an especially important distraction in the early nine-
Later, when I ask Raul about this-the danger of being so ties. Raul that the summer of 'gr, when he was fif-
l6members
identified with one particular way of telling your stor1r, and the teen, was i"extremely ugly-high-power assault rifles on every
lure of shocking white folks like me with it to get attention and corner, gang violence out of control, crack everywhere." Indeed,
money-he nods his head knowingly. "Courtney, to be honest, in r g9z there were zJr3 homicides (Bog of them gang-related) it
I've thought about that a lot. That's why I was wary when Duncan Los Angeles, the highest in its history. Pico Gardens and Aliso
first told me about your project, but I trust him and I said, 'ls Village, where Raul lived, combined to form the largest housing
she good people?' He said Yes,' and that's all I needed to hear." project west of the Mississippi. According to Celeste Fremon,
(Duncan is the mutual friend who introduced us.) within the square mile that made up the project's boundaries,
It's a quintessential response from Raul, whose worldview ffii;
* ff
;il: l'ff: iffiiltr
has been so largely shaped by the importance of loyalty. In Boyle ff",H111 - : iJ, fl
:
Heights, you are either with us or against uS, down or olrt, a enough to be defended to the death.
homie or a rival. The genius of Raul is that he has always man- Raul went to Roosevelt High School, where Bz percent of stu-
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aged to escape these black-and-white definitions. Through his dents are currently on free or reduced lunch and the graduation
spot-on intuition and his subtle creativity, h" has lived in manv rate hovers around percent. He knew he wanted to graduate,
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worlds-the gangster's, the athlete's, the prisoner's, the educa- in part because he'd once bfengiven a Brown University college
tor's, the community organizer's, the priest's-and yet belonged sweatshirt (h" can't remem|"r by whom). He wore it all the time.
to none of them. All at the same time. Friends would ask, "What's\Brown?" And he would answer, "A
This is not to say that Raul is without ego. He appears to have university in New York or sbme shit. I don't know." He loved
a sort of attraction to the dramatic and sees himself as uniquely tracing his finger over the letters and imaginirg what a college
equipped to be at the center of it. I don't know whether it's a filled with Mexicans ("brown") would be like.
natural result of living in a neighborhood filled with Shakespear- In truth, Raul didn't even learn how to read until eleventh
ean rivalries, tragedies, and death, or if it's a personality trart, grade, when a particularly enthusiastic English teacher named
but Raul seems almost perversely comfortable in the middle of Ms. Wells got the kids to perform Othello in class. "l started
absolute devastation. digging it real fast," he says. The themes of jealouS/, revenge,
and allegiances-forged and broken-seemed all too relevant.
BASEBALL wAS LIKE A RELIGTox in Raul's family. All the broth- Until that point he'd been shuffled between English as a second
ers played, and when they weren't hitting or playing catch, they language classes, though English was always his first langu z1e. ,
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DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A GUN
and special education. His intelligence was obviously underes- lreart hurts. My heart and my brain hurt. Help me get through
timated. this."
What's so evident from Raul's stories of growirg up in Boyle Raul's brain hurt because, in part, he was so busy navigating
Heights is that it was his mother (isn't it always?) and his rhe double binds of his young life. Be tough, but not too tough or
emotional intelligence-the capacity to identify and honor you might get challenged. Be cool with the hard-core guys, but
his emotions-that saved him. At sixteen, oS a rare counterex- rrot too cool or you Tight get jumped in the gang. Be aware, but
ample, h" remembers convincing his mom to let him go to a rrot too aware oryfrmight get caught up. "Caught up" is a perfect
party. It was the era of Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, and Raul had way to describe the lure of gang life in Boyle Heights. It iust sort
just tried gin and juice for the first time. He had a feeling in the o[ happens. For young people with little parental presence, the
pit of his stomach that he shouldn't go: "We were on our way l'amily support of a gang can feel like a no-brainer. E specially
there. I was in the back seat of the car, and suddenly I realize when gangs are so rampant; according to Fremon, there were
that I'm in a drive-by. One of the guys in the front seat pulls out sixty different gangs in the sixteen square miles of Boyle Heights
a gun and just starts shooting. I was in shock. when Raul was coming of age.
"l never spoke about it again, but I decided right there that I He belierres that it was his instincts that kept him from letting
would walk away from anything that didn't feel right the second t he tide take him along. "l sort of felt like an insider looking at the
it hit me," he says. outsiders looking at me, if that makes any sense," he explains. "l
Raul was incredibly lucky. According to Fremon, a teenager l<new all the street politics, but I wasn't involved, really. My guts
at a similar time in a similar circumstance (ro prior convictions, l<ept me away.l had one footin, but the rest of mybodywas out.
no weapon on him) was sentenced to thirty-five years to life l,et's put it this w3), Courtney: I was an altar boy with a gun."
in a Level 4 (the highest security level) adult prison as part of
the crackdown on gang violence that swept the nation in the nAUL sAys HE wANTS to take mq to lunch for some "real Mexican
early nineties. Misguided criminologists talked about the new lirocl." We sit across from one nt/oth*r in a booth sippirg on giant
"superpredators" haunting the nation's streets, filling average clrinks-Coke for him, horchat\for me-and talk about his cli-
Americans with fear and motivating politicians to campaign on cnts. There's something about th\ blaring Spanish music in this
tough-on-crime rhetoric that actually did nothing to prevent or Mexican mall, the chaos of all of the vendors selling cheap toys and
treat the epidemic of violence among urban youth. cowboy boots and knock-off bags that make it feel safe to speak
Some of Raul's older brothers were getti.g involved in drugs on such difficult subjects. The chaos surrounds us like insulation.
ancl violence, and he saw the way it tortured his mom. F{e knew "The guys have three minutes to eat sometimes, five minutes
she didn't need one more wayward son. Raul went to Wednes- to shower. They're not treated like human beings," Raul says,
dry night confirmation classes, where Father Boyle taught him t l-re anger visible on his face. He and two other case managers
to "love your neighbor and your enemies." He didn't go to Sun- irt Homebny Industries are currently nearing the end of a two-
dry Mass as often, but when he did, h" remembers it feelirg ycar grant from the Department of Juvenile Justice, the purpose
really good to talk to someone. He would say to God, "FIey, ffiy ,rf which is to help young people from the L.A. County area
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DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A G U N
between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five reenter the real Many of them will simply say ro, their eyes softened by the
world after incarceration. Raul's caseload of sixty is filled with mention of their mothers, the "gangster mentality," n, Raul refers
"hard-core" guys-murderers and drug offenders; the public de- to it, cracked. Some say yes : The ultirnate punishnoent is to parole
fender's office started referring the most difficult cases his way rne. I got nobody.
after realizing how successful he was at cracki^g their previously "That's where the relationship really starts," Raul reports.
impenetrable facades. "That's when I really gain their trust, because they know that I
Raul's job description is technically"case manager," but "rehu, see the truth about what they've done and I'm still going to care
manizer" sounds more appropriate. What he does with his clients about them."
goes far deeper than preparirg their "reentry plans"-fu6using, Thirty to ninety days prior to a client's release date, Raul
job training, mental health services, and so on. He meets with starts asking different kinds of questions-A re you ready to get
them frequently, gets to know them through a series of intui- owti Surprisingly, rnany aren't. They often feel as if they have no
tive questions about the relationships they've had-Where's your anchor on the outside. Some literally have no home until Raul
dad at? Usually in prison or missin g. WLLere's your rnoyn at? If no figures out a place for them to stay. What is your biggest fear about
mom-Hm,u was foster care? How was your social worl<er? Raul beingback? Number one: getting killed. Number two: having sex
will talk with them about baseball, the never-ending drama with for the first time. Raul says, "They'll admit it to me: 'l'm scared
the corrections officers (most of whom don't like Raul because to be with a woman, do g."'
he tries to circumvent the prison bureaucracies), their families Add sexual educator to Raul's list of roles; he's explained the
back in Boyle Heights, even their crimes. basics of intercourse and contraception more times than he'd like
Raul is all instincts. He describes an exercise that he made to remember. Many of his clients, after all, have been incarcer-
up and uses frequently with clients to get them to reflect on their ated in one form or another since they were twelve years old.
crimes: "l pretend to be the victim: I kissed my daughter this Sex has taken on a pernicious presence in many of their lives
morning. Hugged my wife before I left the house. Headed out to from a young age. If they are caught masturbating in prison-and
get a loaf of bread and some milk, and your punk ass came to the many are-th"y are charged with "sexual harassment" and three
bus stop and robbed me at four a.m. Do you know what it was months are added to their sentences. Many of them talk about
like to have a gun in my face? When you robbed ffie , you robbed "those fools playing sex games"-lsfsrring tcl the homosexual sex
my pride, lou took away my balls." that goes on within the prison walls-but none have admitted
At this point, some of his clients will still act hard about it, ar to being involved. Raul estimates that at least a quarter of his
which point Raul breaks out the mom card: "How would you feel current caseload have been sexually abused in the past. When I
if it was your mom standing at that bus stop at four a.m. and some ask about physical abuse, he scoffs and then says, "One hundred
hard-core guy came and put a gun in her face? You rob people percent, no question."
of their freedom when you do this shit, dog. You make them feel "lf you could change just one thing about the system, what
like they can't be safe in their own community. So you tell ffi€, would it be?" I ask, overwhelmed by how completely broken the
should you get parole yet?" whole thing seems.
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DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A G UN
"'fhe mental health services," Raul answers immediately. "live like dogs." She compared it to the living conditions in the
"Not just drug counseling, but actually gettirg these guys thera- concentration camps-quarters so close that people were natu-
pists who can listen to them talk about what they've been through rally drawn into fighting. At first he'd been offended. "Fuck you,"
and where they're going." he told her and stormed out of the classroom.
For now, Raul will play that role too. "Years later," he admits , "l realized what she was saying.
There was no room to breathe here before. It made people crazy."
RAUL TAKES ME TO BOvLE HtrIGr{T',S in his newToyota Coroll Of course, it's not that the violence has entirely stopped. Boyle
spotlessly clean inside and out. He wants me to see where he Heights is still considered gang infested and teeming with at'
grew up. risk kids-many of whom Raul has counseled at one point or
Instead, he shclws me what has replaced where he grew up. another.
Like so many urban neighborhoods considered high-crime areas, The first catalyst for his formal work with youth was the
Pico Gardens and Aliso Village were razed. and rebuilt to accom- summer of 'g4, when seven people, one of them only twelve
modate a more mixed-income population. The U.S. Department years old, were killed in Pico-Aliso. Raul, nineteen at the time,
of [{ousing and Urban Development granted $5o million to fund and his friend Carlos decided to start an after-school program
the rebuildirg in the mid-I99os. Today it looks more like a con- in response to what they called "the massacre of 'g4." The a-H
dominium complex for retirees-coral-colored, rosebushes every- organizatton, usually thought of as a rural program, was actu-
where, the occasional old woman hobbling by with arms full of ally looking to help out after hearing about the unprecedented
groceries. As we walk around, I tell Raul that I'm a little stunned. violence. They provided a small amount of funding for snacks,
"When I hear 'projects,' I think towering, drab high-rises," I sports equipment, and the equivalent of a janitor's salary for Raul
admit, picturirg the projects I've worked at in Harlem or the ones and Carlos.
up the street from my apartment in Brooklyn. There was an empty gym near the projects that the Catholic
"Well, it was never quite like that, L.A.-style, 1rou know. But Archdiocese of Los Angeles owned but hadn't yet figured out
still, this isn't anything like it used to be," Raul admits. I{e seems what to do with, so it rented the space to Raul for a dollar a year.
conflicted. On the one hand, he's hnppy that the neighborhood is He went to East Los Angeles Community College during the
cleaner. There's a community garden, playgrounds for the kids, day-studying political science-then he opened the doors of
even a basketball court and rec center that the city commis- the gym around z:oo p.m. and gave the kids activities to keep
sioned him to help plan. His mother still lives in the complex, an them busy, helped them with their homework, and talked to
American flug waving peacefully outside her window. them about their struggles. They held poetry nights, painted mu-
On the other hand, he does seem to miss the old vibe- rals over gang tags, and celebrated holidays together. "No one
loud music, a consistent buzz of adolescent energy, the con- was dealing with the wannabes at that time," Raul says. Only the
stant threat of violence that made the whole neighborhood feel hard-core gang members were gettirg the attention of authorities
electric. Raul tells me about one of his high school teachers, a or community intervention. Raul saw his role as that of preven-
Holocaust survivor, who once said that people in public housing tion-get the kids just before the gangs would recruit them.
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DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A G UN
Raul was known for his audaciousness. He would ask full- know better. You know better." One by one, the kids trickled out
fledged gangbangers to donate drug money for Easter egg hunts and took the paintbrush that Raul had set near the gang symbol,
and movie nights for the "little homies." If he caught wind that dipped it in white paint, and erased the false start. The celebra-
two of his students were beefing and rumor was escalating about tion was a success, at least temporarily-leading to friendships
an impending fight, he would take them into the empty parking and even romances cross-neighborhood.
lot, check them for weapons, and then encourage them to have it As Raul and I walk through Pico Gardens, he tells the story
out right there and then. "They were going to do it anyw ay ' Raul with pride, but also a lot of sadness. "Fifteen years later, I've lost
explains sheepishly. "I'm sure I could have gotten in a lot of trou- six of those kids who were sitting around that table eating pLZZa
ble for that, but at least that way I knew the violence wouldn't togeth er," he says. "They all killed each other."
escalate. Handle it old school, and then I can take someone to "How do you handle that?" I ask.
get medical care if they need it." Raul himself was known to show "Not very well sometimes." We stand in front of a mural
up at apartments of kids who came to the after-school program that he helped raise money for, a beautiful painting of the city-
with black eyes and bruises and give abusive fathers a taste of scape at night, and he tells me about Richard, his most painful
their own medicine. loss. Richard had been a regul ar at the after-school program, and
Perhaps Raul's most ballsy move took place during the vola- Raul would often pull him aside and mentor him. He'd known
tile winter of ryg5. He insisted that the kids from two differ- Richard since he was a baby. "I can still remember that little
ent turfs were going to celebrate Christmas together with a big homie breast-feeding!" Raul says. Richard didn't always steer
przza party. Many people from Pico-Aliso thought he was nuts completely clear of trouble, but for the most part he managed to
to bring teenagers from separate sides-kids with older brothers keep his nose clean.
and sisters deep in rival gangs (Cuatro Flats and TMC were the One celebr atory evening, Raul ended up at a graduation party
big ones)-into the same room and expect them not to rip one where Richard, all grown up at twenty-two years old, was also
another apart But Raul was insistent. hanging out. "lt was an emotional night," Raul says. "Carlos and
The negative energy was palpable. Within the first few min- I were drinking with the fools we used to bry snacks for. Leo,
utes, a kid reported to Raul that someone had tagged on the one of them, had just gotten back from a study abroad in South
bathroom wall. Thirteen-, fourteen-, and fifteen-year-old kids in America and was graduating from Chico State. Richard had grad-
oversized T-shirts and sagging pants stood posted up on opposite uated from high school a few years ago and was thinking about
sides of the room, staring one another down, imitating their older refocusing and getting into college." It dawned on Raul that all
siblings to a T. The ptzza steamed from the dozen boxes sitting the work they'd done those years ago to keep kids off the streets
on the front table. had paid off.
Raul announced, "No one is eating any ptzza until every sin- Richard and Raul were standing on a back patio, drinking
gle one of you goes into that bathroom and does your part to paint some beers and talking about a nice-looking girl nearby. "I think
over the tagging. Some people don't think you all are capable of she's staring at you," Raul teased Richard.
spendi^g time in one room. They think you all are animals. But I "Shut up, fool! She's grown up. That's alady," Richard said.
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DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A GUN
"Shut up, punk, she's just twenty-six," Raul responded, laugh- been shot in the back, but the bullet didn't go through. A little
irg at Richard's shyness. He wandered over to the prettygirl and bump on his chest marked where it was lodged. As Raul knelt
struck up a conversation. beside him, Richard looked up and asked his mentor for one last
But the mood shifted from light to dark in a matter of sec- favor: "Take care of me, Rulies."
onds. Richard tapped Raul on the shoulder and said, "This fool The experience absolutely shattered Raul. "I never wanted to
is trippirg with us." When Raul turned around, h" could feel the love a kid agatn," he reflects, rubbirg his shoe in the dirt. Richard
tension of a fight brewing. As a stranger approached, Raul said, died of internal bleeding. Raul himself had to get stitches and
"H"y man, be cool. We're just chillin' right here." But it was too four new teeth (the bottle to the head cracked his bottom teeth
late-tempers were flaring beyond reason. at the root), and he suffered a severe concussion. He quit work,
Raul doesn't remember what happened next. Some people shaved his head, and went down to Mexico for a while to stay
have told him that he took a swirg at the guy first, then knocked with some extended family and friends. But even in a little village
him over an ice chest nearby. Others have said that the guy initi- in Mexico, he couldn't escape: "l ended up staying across from
ated the fight, and then one of his friends came around the corner this school for a while. Same kids, different faces."
with a bottle and hit Raul over the head. In any case, Raul woke Referritg to Father Greg Boyle , Celeste Fremon writes:
up a few minutes later with half of his body in a Jacuzzi and his
head hot with spilled blood. "l could see people's legs running For Greg there is no distance, no film of protection. He cares
away from me in all directions." for the gang members as if they were literally his own chil-
A girl at the party helped Raul to his feet and walked him dren. Certainly it is Greg's offer of unconditional love that is
into the house, taking him to the bathrooffi, where she helped the source of magic. But what happens if you give your heart
him get out of his shirt and lean over the tub to wash the blood to ten dozen kids, many of whom will die violently and young,
off his head. As the cool water ran over his hot face, Raul heard the rest of whom are dying slow deaths of the spirit?
more commotion out front. He rushed out of the bathroom and "Burnout is the cost, I think," Greg says quietly.
out the front door. Richard was standing in the street, and when
he saw Raul he shouted, "Carlos is fighting with that fool over When Raul came back to L.A., he ran into Father Greg on
there! He has a gun!" the street and sought his wisdom. "l don't know what to do," Raul
Raul inched his way closer to get a better look, leaning on a told him. "I don't know if I can continue doing this work, but I
shiny black car. When he looked back, Richard was gone. "Damn, really want to, because it means a lot to me."
where did he go?" he remembers thinking. And then there were Father Greg gave him a knowing look and replied, "Some-
two distinct gunshots, and Raul heard Leo's disembodied voice times you have to go into a different field. Sometimes it's time to
from somewhere yelling for him: "Raul, they shot Richard! They get away, time to go somewhere else."
shot Rats!" Raul was crushed. "l took it like, 'Wow, h" says I can't take
Raul ran back to where he'd seen Richard just moments ago this type of work no more.' I felt like my mentor was telling me
and found him leaning back in Leo's arms, eyes half-mast. He'd to give up."
z8 29
DO IT ANYWAY AN ALTAR BOY WITH A GUN
In retrospect, Raul realizes that he's actually grateful for clon't like you. You've taken care of a lot of little homies, but you're
Father Greg's advice. "I have to thank him for telling me that, going backward. You're confused. You're not like us, Rulies."
because if it wasn't for that conversation, I probably would have That gangbanger would end up with a life sentence for mur-
come back and made my life even more miserable. I wouldn't cler. Raul would end up pulling himself out of his depression by
have been able to give the guys the attention they deserve." reconnecting with Father Boyle and getting back into the work
Instead, Raul tried a traditional job. One of his former stu- art Homeboy Industries.
dents said that her boyfriend would hire Raul as a semitruck dis- Raul and I walk by the old lot where they used to run the after'
patcher. He would make almost twice as much as he'd ever made school program, and he points out a tree looming high above the
counseling kids, but he had a hard time learning the code that fence and casting a shadow on the street below. "We planted
the truck drivers used, and he hated sittirg all day. He tried filing that tree!" he exclaims, for the moment pulled away from a dark
instead, but three months of that also grew monotonous. Raul place. "We planted a bunch of them, actually, but there's only a
was depressed, even suicidal. "l was crying in my girlfriend's arms ltew that survived."
every Saturday morning for two, three months," he says. "Then I "Do you believe in heaven and hell and all that?" I ask.
quit and basically became the grim reaper. I'd sleep all day and "l don't believe in hell." He pauses, looking down and taking a
then come out at night, looking for a fight. Everyone knew some- deep breath, then goes on: "Hell is what we're living in right now.
thing was up with me. I was drinking too much. Mad at the world. A place where fathers molest their young sons and daughters,
Friends would say, 'Dog, you're trippin'. you need help."' where kids I fed get killed by other kids I fed. Fuck, if this isn't
One duy, at the peak of desperation, Raul ran to the his- f'ucking hell, what is?"
toric Fourth Street Bridge, which stretches over the Los Angeles We walk a couple more blocks to the original Dolores Mis-
River. He looked up at the San Gabriel Mountains. He looked sion Church, where Raul used to hang out as a small child and
down at the river, flowing with a vengeance that duy. He thought where his mom still goes to services every Sunday at 6:oo p.m.
about jumping in and being free of his burden forever. "I was lt's a small church, stocky and humble in orange stucco. It's
thinking of Richard so much," he says. "l don't want to say that closed, but we peek through the windowS, and I imagine Raul
it was Richard's voice, you know, that said 'Rulies, go back and there as a little boy-sweepitg up, wiping the pews down with
finish what you were doing,' but I don't really have any other a rag, cleaning the votive holders with their stubborn wax-and
explanation. I just felt this shift where I knew I couldn'r die." l-ris community's whispered prayers.
Reluctantly, Raul admits ,"rtsound s craz)r, but I'm pretty sure
that he was there. Richard knew that I saved his life for a long nACK AT HoMEBoy TNDUSTRTES, we walkinto the cramped office
time, and he wanted to save mine." that Raul shares with the two other caseworkers. He introduces
Raul had a second, very unlikely, angel. one dny as he was me to Matt, a Jesuit volunteer who recently graduated from Bos-
climbing the stairs in a building known for beirg the home to ton College (a dead ringer for Ashton Kutcher, but bright blond),
many hard-core gang members, one of them stopped him, looked and Arturo, one of Raul's clients. "This is my sister from Mexico,"
deep into his eyes, and said, "You don't belong here. It's not that I Raul deadpans.
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