An Affair of The Heart

441 Pages·2017·3.44 MB·English

From Hafez:
The great religions are ships,
Poets are lifeboats,
Every sane person I know has jumped overboard.
From Ibn Arabi:
I profess the religion of Love,
Wherever its caravan turns along the way,
That is the belief, the faith I keep.
From Farid ud-Din Attar:
I know Nothing,
I understand Nothing,
I am unaware of Myself,
I am in Love,
But with whom I do not know.
From Rumi:
I do not know who I am.
I am in astounded, lucid confusion.
From Rumi:
Come, we know a way from the seen to the Unseen,
A path from the house you've lived in for so long,
To a garden that will take your breath away.
I've created this book for the few Friends who have asked for a hardcopy of
my poetry, who love the feel of a “real” book, with pages turned slowly by
hand. For as long as financial circumstance allows, this book will only be
offered as a Gift, and only to those who ask. If I fall on hard times, it will only
be offered at cost, for Love cannot be sold.
Within
Preface ...................................................................................................... 1
In the Way of Introduction ......................................................................... 9
A World of Joy and Sorrow ....................................................................... 15
My Childhood Dance with Christianity ..................................................... 21
The Youthful Observer ............................................................................. 28
Into the World ......................................................................................... 32
On Having Become Someone .................................................................. 41
A Preface on Teachers .............................................................................. 47
The First Teacher of Significance .............................................................. 52
The Journey to The Kingdom of Heaven .................................................... 61
The Inner Radiance .................................................................................. 85
A Vision .................................................................................................. 94
A Period of Divine Madness ..................................................................... 99
Mystical Experiences with My First Teacher ............................................ 102
The Onset of Existential Reality............................................................... 115
Disillusionment and Confusion ............................................................... 120
Wandering the Wilderness ..................................................................... 126
The Second Teacher of Significance ........................................................ 130
Tough Crowd ......................................................................................... 139
Baba...................................................................................................... 142
The Third Teacher of Significance ........................................................... 161
The Dam Bursts ..................................................................................... 172
I Can’t Feel Charles! ............................................................................... 176
Emptiness Deepens ................................................................................ 187
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An Affair of The Heart

Little Monkey .........................................................................................191
The Sorrows of the World Pour In ............................................................197
The Reason to Live .................................................................................201
Epilogue .................................................................................................208

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Preface
Oh God, not another woo-woo1 nutcake2.
This book reflects a simple man’s spiritual journey and ongoing experience.
Although much that’s described may sometimes sound lofty and exalted, I
dismiss the implied finality of notions such as “enlightenment” or “awakening”,
for my Experience has shown that it's unwise at best, and delusional at worst,
to ever plant a flag and declare the summit. While there have been profoundly
transmuting milestones along The Way, in my experience there is no finality,
here in manifest existence, to Endless Blossoming, Endless Deepening of
Maturation, Endless Enlightening.
For me, at a ripe old age, it has come to this; that the measure of a human
being is not in the commonly ascribed attributes of stature, worldly or spiritual,
but the extent to which the lesser self, moved by fear, desire, and an ever-
present sense of inner lack, has been subsumed by the Fullness, Completion,
and Bliss inherent in our Essence.
About the Author
I'm a Western man. And as in any enculturation, there are good things about
that, and bad. I consider myself rational and empirically-minded. But since
early childhood my Heart has ached about something, and for Something;
about the suffering inherent in manifest existence, and for… a mysterious
Something Wonderful for which I had no description.
My feelings regarding religion and spirituality have always been conflicted.
Some of us take refuge and find solace in belief and faith, others dismiss all

1 One who holds unconventional beliefs with little or no scientific basis, in this case relating to
spirituality and mysticism.
2 Someone seen as eccentric or mad.
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Preface An Affair of The Heart
that is not empirically verifiable, and others, still, are agnostic. Before 1981 I
considered myself an agnostic; my lack of direct experience giving rise to
skepticism, cynicism, and disbelief. After 1981, my stance would be better
called “Not Knowing, and Full of Wonder”. For in that year, skepticism,
cynicism, and disbelief, though continuing in regard to religion, were
vanquished regarding the Mystical Nature of reality.
The Heart
On the one hand my heart was broken at an early age by the cruelties of life,
both natural and human, and I sought desperately for an adjunct to that reality
that would somehow allow me to live within it and not die of a broken heart;
an adjunct that was not, unfortunately, apparent in the “ordinary” reality I
experienced. It was that desperation that moved me to investigate faith- and
belief-based religions, and philosophies. And fortunately, in spite of the
inevitable disillusionments experienced along the Way, irrepressible Longing
has proven to be an inherent and inextinguishable aspect of my Being. And if
you're reading this, I suspect it is so with you.
The Mind
On the other hand I've always been rational and empirically-minded; a
propensity that, in seeking to aid the heart in its quest, constrained it from
unbridled emotionalism and the unexamined acceptance of unverifiable
spiritual concepts, theories, and conjecture. This aspect of my Being had no
use for belief or faith. It became, at a certain point in this Journey, not simply
confused, disillusioned, and weary, but cynical and bitter regarding spirituality.
It could not deny the direct Experiences I'd had, but simply could not abide
wrapping them in interpretation, after the fact, or pouring them into the dogmas
of this or that existing theology, however much affinity I might have with
various aspects of a particular faith.
In the Balance
I have friends on both sides of this fence, from fierce empiricists, to those that
I, myself, consider to be woo-woo. Likewise, I have friends who reside in
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An Affair of The Heart Preface
various philosophical encampments, from nondualism to deism. The point of
this preface is to make clear that in this book I am writing to neither.
Regarding my empirically-minded friends, little of what they'll read here is
empirically verifiable – although one of the most outrageous experiences was,
in fact, empirically verified3. If I wrote with empiricists in mind, I would be
continually qualifying and apologizing for experiences they would likely
dismiss as delusional at the worst, or simply of no significance according to
their stance. I won't do that. I'll write of experiences as I experienced them,
from my subjective perspective, striving to refrain from interpretation and
theorizing, for which I have little use anymore. My empirical friends can make
of it what they will. And I'm certain some will, in the end, consider me just
another woo-woo nutcake.
Regarding my more spiritually-minded friends, I would ask them not to make
more of any of this – and especially of “me” – than should be made. For
however lofty and exalted some of these experiences may sound, I remain an
imperfect, wounded, and in some ways, perhaps, broken man; a simple man.
Time’s Running Out
I turned 72 the year of this writing, 2021. The average lifespan of men where I
live, these days, is 78. Anyone reading this has a sense of how long seven years
is; and it's not that long. Yes, yes, I know… I hear the chorus of voices saying,
“Oh, but you could live to 90.” And I certainly could. But the simple fact is
that from the mid-sixties on, it's anyone's guess. And in the last several years,
increasingly, I've heard of the passing away of so many among the cast of
characters that have played upon the stage of my life; actors, musicians, those
of varied notorieties, and closer to home, friends and acquaintances. However
I look at it, it's the Winter of my life, and I'm increasingly aware of that fact
throughout each day, not simply now and then, as was the case in my sixties.
But I only mention age here, in the context of this book, because standing

3 See the chapter, “A Vision”.
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Preface An Affair of The Heart
shoulder-to-shoulder with the increased awareness of my mortality has been a
voice that reminds me, gently but persistently, “If you don't write the book
soon, you may never do so.”
Write a Book? Why?
I'm writing because I want to offer hope that there is more to life than meets
the eye; that the Mystical is real, and not a fairy tale born of delusional
imagination or religious hysteria. I want to encourage consideration of the
possibility that your Essence is an Experience of Ecstasy beyond words to
express; the Kingdom of Heaven, within; the answer to every prayer ever
uttered in all of Creation. I want to suggest that the veils that obscure that
Essence can be thinned, allowing that Light, that Richness, that Fullness and
Warmth, that Causeless, Unconditional Love, to Shine into your manifest
experience, not simply in moments of transient “spiritual” experience, but as
an ever-present aspect of your ongoing, moment-to-moment Experience,
Shining at the Heart of your Being as the Heart of your Being. I want to blow
on the Ember in weary Hearts where it flickers tenuously.
Why Should You Believe What I’ve Written?
You shouldn't.
You should only trust what you Know in direct experience. All else is hearsay;
concept, theory, and conjecture; the interpretations, by others, of their
experiences, after the fact. This book is about none of that. I don't present an
interpretation of my past experiences or ongoing experience. I don't hold forth
a theology, cosmology, or notion of “Truth“. Any seeming assertions are
merely questions, cloaked in possibility. Whatever commonalities may exist in
our mutual experience, each of our Paths is unique. If I describe the Path I've
taken, it isn't to inform, instruct, or suggest that Path to you, but only to Evoke
Love and Longing, to ignite the Ember at the Heart of your Being.
As the saying goes, there are as many paths to God as there are souls on earth.
Whatever your path may be, this book is written for those who, while reading
the words written on these pages, experience a Touch, a Taste, the Fragrance
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