Almost Perfect

206 Pages·2016·0.79 MB·English

by  Goss James

TORCHWOOD
ALMOST
PERFECT
James Goss
Contents
Cover
Title
Copyright
Torchwood series from BBC Books
Five Rare Times That Ianto Jones Swears
Rhys is Sunday shopping with the missus
1. Status Updates
Emma Webster is…
Emma Webster has a Plan for a Brand New Me
Gwen is Late for Work
Emma is Having her Last Bad Day at Work
Ianto is More Important Than Static Cling
Captain Jack is Feeling Buoyant
Dorice is her Usual Red
Gwen is Wearing Corpse
Patrick Matthews is Not Dead
Emma Webster is Attending Speed-Dating in the Bay
Tombola’s is the Ideal Venue for Your Next Party
Bren is Very Precise
Gwen is Awake First
Ianto is Staying in Bed
Emma Webster is Plotting Revenge
Ianto Tries Beige
Emma Webster is Having It Medium
Jack is Puzzled
Emma Webster is on a Date
Joe Sterling is Listed As Being in a Relationship With Emma Webster
Gwen and Ianto Get a Shopping Montage
Captain Jack is Available for Children’s Parties
Emma Webster is With her Perfect Man
Rhys Williams is Cooking Up a Storm
Joe Sterling is Dumped
Sergeant Pepper is a Lonely Heart’s Club Band
Emma Webster is Selecting her Next Victim
Gwen is Losing the Argument
Helena Carter is Making Money from the Misery of Others
Patrick Matthews is Very Much Still Alive
Gwen has Had Better Nights
Emma Webster is a Marked Woman
Emma Webster is About to Be Off the Market Again
Rhys Williams is a Changed Man
Ianto Misses Pockets
Gwen is the Green-Eyed Monster
Emma Webster is Determined
Owen Harper is Still Dead
Ianto Can Ride a Horse Across a Beach Without Fear Or Shame
2. Lucky Debbie’s Duty-Free Pursuit of Love
Ianto is Having a Flashback
Jack is Making a Breakthrough
The Strange Alien Device is Plotting to take Over from Jeremy Kyle After
this
Ross Kielty is Mistaken in Happiness
Rhys is in So Much Trouble
Jack is Softly, Softly Catchee Monkey
Ianto is Explaining How Coffee is Like Life
Gwen is Nowhere, and It’s for Bloody Ever
Captain Jack, Captain Jack, Get Off Your Back, go into Town, Don’t Let us
Down. Oh No, No.
Mozart is Sponsored By Cholestria
Yvonne is Now Living in a Fish Restaurant
The Perfection are Ruthless, Tireless and have a High Thread Count
3. Damaged Gods
God is Dead (Bored)
Jack is Remembering An Agreement
Captain Jack has Killed the Wabbit, Killed the Wabbit
The Perfection Dances in Mysterious Ways
Jack is in for a Treat When He Checks the Cctv
Captain Jack Goes to the Wall
Ianto Knows the True Value of a Nugget
Eric Doesn’t Feel Like Dancing, No Sir, No Dancing Today
Gwen Welcomes Careful Drivers
Cardiff is a One-Way City
Bouncer Ben is Wondering Why His Nose Got Broken
Ianto is Just Murder on the Dance Floor
Captain Jack is Bargaining
Rudyard is Sadly All Mouth
Ianto Jones Could Teach You, But He’d have to Charge
Ianto is Civilisation. End Of.
Emma Webster is Starting Afresh
Madonna is a Gay Icon for Beginners
Epilogue: What the Strange Alien Device actually said to Captain Jack
Acknowledgements
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Version 1.0
Epub ISBN 9781409072980
www.randomhouse.co.uk
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Published in 2008 by BBC Books, an imprint of Ebury Publishing
A Random House Group company
© James Goss, 2008
James Goss has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in
accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.
Torchwood is a BBC Wales production for BBC Two Executive Producers:
Russell T Davies and Julie Gardner
Original series created by Russell T Davies and broadcast on BBC Television
‘Torchwood’ and the Torchwood logo are trademarks of the British
Broadcasting Corporation and are used under licence.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission
of the copyright owner.
The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009.
Addresses for companies within the Random House Group can be found at
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ISBN 978 1 846 07573 5
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Commissioning Editor: Albert DePetrillo
Series Editor: Steve Tribe
Production Controller: Phil Spencer
Cover design by Lee Binding @ Tea Lady © BBC 2008
Typeset in Albertina and Century Gothic
Printed and bound in Germany by GGP Media GmbH
The Torchwood series from BBC Books:
1. ANOTHER LIFE
Peter Anghelides
2. BORDER PRINCES
Dan Abnett
3. SLOW DECAY
Andy Lane
4. SOMETHING IN THE WATER
Trevor Baxendale
5. TRACE MEMORY
David Llewellyn
6. THE TWILIGHT STREETS
Gary Russell
7. PACK ANIMALS
Peter Anghelides
8. SKYPOINT
Phil Ford
9. ALMOST PERFECT
James Goss
FIVE RARE TIMES THAT IANTO
JONES SWEARS*
1. The woman is looking at her burning hands. And she’s screaming. And
Ianto sees what she sees.
2. It’s like being inside a giant washing machine. The back of the ferry is
wide open and water is pouring in. And the water’s cold and filthy and the
loading bay is turning, and Ianto is suddenly looking at a lorry. One of them
is upside down. And then suddenly, it doesn’t matter.
3. The man is sat at a table in the restaurant. It’s got a lovely view of
Cardiff Bay. The food is laid out before him. The champagne is fizzing in
the glass. He sits there, immaculately dressed. He is a skeleton.
4. Ianto thought he wouldn’t see anything more disturbing at the club. But
then – who paints their walls the colour of blood? And then he leans against
it and realises the wall is breathing.
5. It’s Monday morning. The alarm goes off. Ianto wanders into the
bathroom, switches on the light and…
* in no particular order